I do. I wonder it every day, these days. Because every day, my life is wildly uncomfortable. I'm in a place which I don't remotely enjoy (my work shift that keeps me from my kids). I want out. Bad.
How bad? I don't know if I want out bad enough to actually do something about it. But, I am becoming increasingly suspicious that perhaps God is intending to use this situation to push me into something greater for my family-- for my happiness.
I don't know. I'm confused about all this. But, when I really think of it, standing idly by and waiting for God to teach me what I'm supposed to learn from all this doesn't sound as much of a good idea as actually working for it. I want out! I think Heavenly Father, who knows me well, knew I would be going stark, raving mad by this shift. And maybe His purpose in this is something far different than I primarily imagined. Maybe He's pushing me to get myself (with His help) out, rather than waiting for it to end.
I gotta get out. I want out. Bad. I feel imprisoned - stuck - and utterly useless. My children need me, and that became as evident as it ever will be tonight. I can't just idly sit and let this trial happen. I will if I must, but I think and I hope that I mustn't.
I'm reminded of one of my Uncle Steve's favorite analogies. He would repeat it often to me. The author is Hugh B Brown, and he talks about a current bush.
He starts off by saying-- well, I'll let him tell you. I found this delightful rendition on YouTube. Take a listen:
"I'm the gardener, here." Okay, Lord. Let me be satisfied with Your will. Cut me down the way that will make me the most glorious and useful to You.
