Living Converted

Well hi there!

I know it's been an unusually long time since last I posted. I have been buys falling in love and dreaming of a wedding, etc. Pretty crazy stuff.

I wanted to post something about my awful week. Last week was the most emotionally challenging week I've had since David Ridley (that crazy awful therapist I had who lost his license over the type of "therapy" he provided me and about 2 dozen other women) and before that, since my ex husband moved his girlfriend into our apartment. It was a hard week. I keep thinking of all these adverbs I could use to explain the pain of this week, but they all fall drastically short. As I later lamented to a dear friend the details of what had happened, and how I felt like I lost my boyfriend/fiance and my family all in the same weekend, she remarked, "you're like Job." I certainly am not like Job, but the feeling of loss did feel significant. But, I did still have the love of my darling children.

Sunday is when it started. I was crying much of the afternoon and I decided to attend a local mid-singles fireside. Actually, a few weeks ago, I had made a promise to my ward's singles representative that I would be there, otherwise, I would have skipped it. I'll have to thank her for asking me to promise to attend.

The speaker was an area authority, and he spoke of the Atonement. I was in tears of sorrow before the introduction was completed. I was just so sad. I sat alone because I was so emotional, and I would have been mighty embarrassed if someone witnessed my tears. I had made some poor choices one family relationship, in response to some of their poor choices, and I wanted to repair, but I felt my efforts would be insufficient or rejected. As I wept over my loved one, both of sorrow for myself and for them, I listened to the speaker talk about how the Atonement is an enabling force, how it enables us to do good. And I wondered if I could use the Atonement to help me with my family. I took the following notes:

The Atonement enables me to do good. It gives me strength to do good things, the good things for others, for my children, for myself. My strength is not sufficient!! His is!! Ask Him. Seek His strength. I was given weakness. I'm not created to handle it on my own. It's impossible to handle it on my own. I wasn't meant to do it on my own. I can use His strength, His love, His forgiveness, His creativity, His perseverance, His energy, His chastity, His charity.

After the fireside, I called my boyfriend to tell him about it, and to tell him about what had happened with my family member, and he offered comfort and wisdom. I decided I would do what I could to fix it.

The next day, Monday, I sought reconciliation, but in doing so, gained unintentional access to some extremely hurtful information which made me feel misunderstood, unappreciated, somewhat hated, and like I completely didn't matter to not only one member of my family, but to most. In the moment of discovery, indeed it felt like my whole family hated me. I had no idea they saw me that way.

Also that Monday, though the details I will keep to myself at this point, my relationship with my boyfriend was abruptly and completely severed, at least temporarily (like, maybe a few months, or maybe a few years, I have no idea- this would make sense if I could explain the reasoning, but I'm not able to at this time).

Everyone. I felt to have lost everyone I loved the most, all at once, except, again, my kids.

Monday, I cried basically all the day. I buried myself in my bedroom and let the kids fend for themselves, which they did.
Tuesday, I cried basically all the day. I spent some time out of my bedroom, but not much.
Wednesday, I cried much of the day. The pain of my situation was also physical. I could feel it in my gut, twisting it up, implanting a thousand tiny acid-laced, double-edged swords into my innards. It hurt.

But something reminded me about the talk I'd heard Sunday night. I could borrow the strength of the Savior, and His forgiveness. I wasn't going to be okay with sobbing in my bedroom every night! No! I am a mother, and an employee, and I am needed. I thought I needed to call my therapist and see if she had any openings this week so she could help me hash this out. But, Soni, my therapist, is super popular because she's super good, and she's all the time booked for like two weeks out. I called anyway. I also knew she is off Fridays, and because of my work and life schedule, the only time I would be able to see her last week would have been Thursday at 3. So I asked the office manager, "Is there any chance Soni has an opening tomorrow at 3?" and she said it wasn't likely, knowing how Soni is all the time booked, and I said I know. She checked anyway and confirmed that there was, in fact, nothing open this week at all. Or next week. So I said, "if you happen to get a cancellation for tomorrow at 3, will you call me?" and she said, doubtingly, that she would.

For reals, I offered this prayer: "Heavenly Father, please bless that Soni's 3:00 will cancel tomorrow. I'm serious about that. Thy will be done, of course."

Wouldn't you know it, not an hour later, the office manager called me. "You won't believe what just happened." and I said, "Did Soni's 3:00 cancel? God loves me, is that what you're telling me?" and she said, "yep."

I was soaring. What an incredible tender mercy of the Lord! I got home and decided to immerse myself in the Word of God, for I was most certainly in need of comfort. And comfort is exactly what I found. Comfort from God comes with bonuses, like clarity of mind, strength of heart, and priceless perspective. That night, I made dinner, did some laundry, and washed the dishes, and that had been the most I'd been able to muster up energy for all week, besides work.

Thursday was similar to Wednesday night. I felt amazing! I understood that my worth did not come from my family. I understood that I love them anyway. Soni helped me with objectivity and perspective, and helped me understand the differences between dysfunctional and functional communication, and gave me comfort and wisdom. My family doesn't hate me. They just suck at communication, and none of us are perfect, aye? The whole day, I felt light and powerful, like I could conquer the world if I was so required. I could feel the Atonement of my Jesus enlightening me. I could feel His power empowering me. I knew the Source of my Strength, and I could not deny it. I was happy and hopeful.

I am still happy and hopeful. I am at the foot of an enormous mountain of a trial, and it's going to be a long climb. But it will end. And, because of this week, I know, without a smidgen of doubt, that my God will help me through it.

Another significant trial this whole last week was that Marsha, my addict, had been doing cartwheels. Oh, what emotional triggers roused her! Every day was a struggle of extreme temptation. I didn't know how much more temptation I could withstand. I wasn't doing anything to invite the temptation other than having a crappy week, and it was so unfair! But, I was remembering to pray, and getting reminders to pray, and I was praying very specifically that I wouldn't "enter into temptation." The temptation was dancing before me, holding all these doors wide open, but I didn't enter. I haven't experienced that much wild, demanding need for my addictions in months, if not years. I'm grateful and somewhat surprised to say that I made it through safe.

In other but spiritually related news, today I was sustained as Beehive Advisor in my ward. I'm very excited about this calling, and feel humbled by it as well. I haven't ever served in the YW before, but I'm feeling up to the challenge. I intend to put my whole heart in it.

I felt like this calling came at an excellent time in my life. I need the distraction from missing my boyfriend. Also, I have been growing spiritually over the months, and it feels like I'm almost ready, now more than ever, to be a leader to impressionable and wonderful young women. I am taking this as an enormous responsibility, one that I will take seriously, and one that I feel ready to take seriously because of my recent spiritual growth. I know that I will learn so much more being their teacher, and I'm excited about that! In my blessing when I was set apart, I was told that this calling came at the right time.

And here's the thing. God's timing is everything. This whole mess with my boyfriend is about God's timing. Perhaps this whole mess with my family is about God's timing. This calling is about God's timing. I am impatient and impulsive, and my Father has been working hard to teach me to trust His timing, and I'm finally paying attention. He gets it right. Every. Time. His timing is perfect, every time! And it's not even just that His timing is the righteous timing so I should wait and obey, but it's also that by trusting His timing, my life turns out way better than I ever imagined it could. I mean, I get all these blessings, all these treats and tender mercies, dotting the path of my feet constantly when I trust and adhere to His timing, His will.

I feel like I am finally starting to really live like I'm converted to the Gospel of Christ. I feel like I'm finally starting to understand that He really does have a plan for my life, and that His plan for my life is spectacular. Ima trust it, y'all.

A Losing Battle

I guess there are things I must get used to as an addict. I guess I simply must give up hope for elimination of the stigma. It seems that men with a pornography addiction are branded by many people, without exception, as evil/monsters/hopeless/adulterers/vengeful, etc., and that women with a pornography addiction are scarcely even on the radar, and when we are, we are still branded by many as freaks of nature and not at all feminine. I thought I could change the stigma by being open. It's laughable, really, the power I thought I had. I thought I could show people that "addict" is not synonymous with "monster." I have attended PASG meetings with dozens of amazing, humble, righteous, strong LDS men, men who are addicted to pornography, yet men who are striving for continual improvement and for the survival of their marriages and for maintained temple worthiness more than most other men I know. I have attended PASG meetings with LDS women, women who are addicted to pornography, who are just like all other women, just as feminine, just as tender, and who are striving for healing and righteousness more than many other women I know. They are humble and willing to work, and beautiful. I thought that by being open, I could help others understand that addicts aren't crappy human beings, and if they are, it's not because they're addicted, but they are our brothers and sisters who need help and light and support, and who can give help and light and support. I actually thought, I think, that little ol' me had the power to change the general non-addict's perception of addicts among us. I have worked to bring it out of obscurity as a women's addiction, and I have worked to show that it's a human struggle, and that the struggle is as heavy and burdensome and maddening as any.

I stand corrected. I slump discouraged. I now see that the task I have volunteered for is a task far too great for one person. I now see that perceptions of others are, apart from being none of my business, impossible for me to influence by a few honest words, or a few blog posts. And I have to be okay with that, because I have made crappy choices. If I'm going to be open with this, then I have to accept the consequences of people around me never hearing my message. And, not because they don't like me, and not always even because they judge me, but many times it's because their real, personal experiences do not match up with what I'm saying about the addicts I know. And that's what we all go by, right? Our experience.

While I now have a better understanding that many (most, probably) LDS members' hardwired harsh and negative perception of sexual addictions will not be easily changed, I will still fight my own battle. I will still march to and through recovery. I will even still speak my truths, my perceptions, and the experiences I have with the wonderful, inspiring recovering addicts I know, love, and deeply admire. Perhaps I am seen as intentionally donning a red S, but I speak for more people than only myself, and I will wear that scarlet letter for myself and for them, and I will wear it so others who are seeking to be free from their own addictions, especially women, will see someone who is doing it, and do you know why? Because it was years before I even ever considered that I might not be the only one, and as long as isolation and fear were my companions, recovery was impossible.

That isolation, that feeling of being all alone in a damning, joy-killing addiction, is hell. I can't imagine Hell being much worse, actually.

In Harper Lee's book To Kill a Mockingbird, Atticus Finch says, "Real courage is when you know you're licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through." Maybe I didn't understand that I was licked before I began. I understand it now. I'm definitely licked. I'm fighting an increasingly bloody, losing battle. But, I intend to see it through.

Questions to ask After a Slip

In his most recent blog post entitled "Question to Ask Yourself After a Relapse," Ben Luthi suggests some . . . well . . . questions to ask yourself after a relapse. I thought it seemed like a good idea, so I'm going to answer the questions here, now. Only, I'll answer them based on a slip, not a relapse.

What thoughts did I have that led up to the relapse? I was tired. I thought I was just going to go to bed. I mean, that was my plan. Other than that, I felt frustrated and angry at myself for basically not being perfect. I was exhausted from a very challenging several months, particularly the most recent 4 weeks. 

How did it happen? Just like it always does. There was a something online that piqued my curiosity. It had been born of some innocent post. I went on to search for "innocent" terms till I "accidentally" came upon some inappropriate images. I also discovered that my filter on my phone doesn't work over wifi, which confuses me a great deal. But, that left an entire world at my fingertips. I could access anything.

Did I want it? Yes.

How do I feel now? I went through various stages of grief, if you will. I'm just sad now. So, so, so sad. At first, I was angry. And I tried hard to shut out everything. I slept late and stayed in bed till noon. I avoided conversations. I avoided talking to God. I was going to go to the temple today. I'm so, so sad.

What have I learned? I don't even know! I feel like it's the same thing every time- I didn't surrender. I didn't let go and let God. I clung to my absurd and harmful need for control and insisted on doing things my way. It cost me, as it always does, in the same way it always does.

What am I going to do different this time? I purchased and downloaded an accountability app called Ever Accountable. I've only ever used filters before. With Ever Accountable, all of my internet activity will be logged and then emailed to 3 people of my choice every week. I chose people I trust, as well as people I never want to know what I'm doing online when I'm up to no good. One of them is my brother. I will die if he ever knows what sites I slowly end up on during my climb to sin. It's equally important to make sure the other two never receive reports of me accessing inappropriate material. I hope it helps. I think it will because I can't think of anything worth the embarrassment of these people knowing what I've looked up and looked at. 

How long has this been going on? (Negative emotions, filling up the lust balloon, etc.) Like, 3 months.

What negative emotions have I been feeling? (Resentment, stress, anger, sadness, self-pity, apathy, etc.) Stress, tiredness, fear, anger, self-pity, anxiety

Am I  taking care of myself spiritually, emotionally and physically? Not well enough. I try to include God in everything, all the time. But I can see that my focus on scripture study has weakened. I haven't been getting enough sleep. I haven't been paying any attention to what I'm eating.

Am I praying to know what my part in Heavenly Father’s plan is? Uh, no, not that specifically. 

Have I submitted my will to Him in all things? No! I'm trying to get Him to submit to my will. This is where it's the same thing every time. Every time it comes down to my failure to surrender to Him. How is it that I haven't learned this yet?!

What’s going on in my life outside my addiction? A lot of really hard, stressful, exhausting things. 

Am I getting enough sleep? no.

Am I doing my dailies? I guess this is Step 10? In which case, no.

Am I working my recovery program? See above!

Am I attending meetings regularly? Yes!

Am I reaching out to others who are in recovery? Yes! But, not the day of my last slip.

Who am I doing this for? I'm assuming "doing" means "recovering," and that is for me, for my children, for my posterity, for my future spouse, and for my God and my Jesus.

Am I being fully honest with myself? I would guess not. I'm actually in recent denial over being an addict. I so deeply want to not be an addict that I convince myself sometimes that addiction is no longer a problem. Oh, but it is, it is! Every dang day. Sometimes I'm so arrogant. 

Am I being fully honest with my spouse? I wish this was applicable!

Do I have hope? If not, what do I need to regain the hope I need to press forward? Oh, yes. I have so much hope. 

Why do I want recovery? Because I want freedom and peace.

What things in my routine do I need to change to be more successful? I need to have a set time for spiritual study, and stick to it fully and honestly and sincerely. Real intent. I need more Real Intent. I need to set a time of night after which I am simply not allowed to access the internet. Maybe I'll see if I can shut it off after a certain time through my router. I need to get to sleep on time.

What things do I need to stop trying to do on my own and give up to God? Basically everything. I mean, that's the truth.

How do I cope with the shame and guilt I am feeling in a healthy way? Well, there is nothing healthy about shame, so there's no healthy way to cope with it. But, I'm trying to use this burning, heavy guilt and sorrow to propel me to make immediate changes, and to re-ignite my focus. I am taking to God my shame (I definitely feel shame about this, though I know it's counterproductive and dangerous), and letting Him fill up my heart with His grace and love, which He is doing. Oh, how He loves us! I always feel Him the moment I turn back to Him.

In Your Face, Marsha!

As you may recall, I named my "addict" Marsha. She came over to play today.

I want to document this victory for my own self. I actually sort of doubt it will be very helpful to anyone else, but just in case, I share.

I've been single nearly 8 years. I dated a fellow about 3 years ago for about 3 weeks, but other than that, nothing remotely serious has happened since my divorce. Needless to say, I get very lonely sometimes. I long for the companionship of a worthy, kind man. Sometimes the longing is unbearable.

I've made some very risky, very bad choices with men since my divorce. I've kissed more men after my marriage than before. I have been unable to resist when a kiss becomes an option.

It always feels like kissing will mean I'm loved. It always feels like being sexually desired by someone will mean I'm important.

Only, today I know better.

Knowing better is hard. Knowing better bears with it an annoying responsibility. Knowing better is ultimately freedom.

The security guard at work thinks I'm cute. "I see you come in," he said the other day, "and I think you're so cute. I'm . . . I'm not very good at this. I hope I'm not being creepy. But I'd like to get to know you better. So . . . here's my number, and you can text me. If you want."

It made my day. Me? Cute? HECK YES! YES YES YES! A MAN THINKS I'M CUTE!

Naturally, I texted him a few hours later, on my first break.

We chatted a little about relatively normal stuff. We discovered we have a 7 year age difference; he being younger. He thought I was 25! YES YES YES! I'll be 34 next month, so, that was fun. He said he would like to still get to know me. Okay.

Eventually, today, he invited me to see a movie at his house. He said something about "snuggling" and getting to know me better.

Marsha exploded into 40 Marshas doing cartwheels in my head and chest, shouting for joy and glory. The Marshas painted this wonderful picture of cuddling and making out and . . . the game. I was planning a game before I consciously realized it. I would lead him on. I would let him think I was as into him as he seemed to be me, and I would have a manfriend who would hold me and kiss me. Just for a while! Just till I was tired. I knew I could get him to kiss me. I could probably have someone to kiss this very weekend. Easily. I was planning. Plotting. Conniving.

Justifying. Rationalizing. Salivating. I wanted it. So much. I wanted to lean against him while watching a movie. I wanted to stop watching the movie. I imagined what it would be like. I imagined some of the innocent-but-not-really things we might do. So delightful! So nice!

It would be alright. I haven't even kissed a man in over a year. It's high time! It's not like I'm going to sleep with him.

Marsha was thrilled. Finally! Another kiss! For me! I'm important!

Oh, dear. I am so broken. I am so broken because it really does truly really feel like being in the arms of a man, and being kissed by a man, is the same thing as having worth. But, as I said, I know better. So when the Marshas kept on screaming at me that this was the best choice- to plan and conspire and lead Security Guard along till I was ready to discard him, or at least just for one night enjoy his physical presence- I actually heard their lies as lies. I was actually able to envision the truth. If I go to his house and watch a movie, I will kiss him. And, instead of that being incredibly exciting, it's dangerous. I know me! I know I will get carried away at the first opportunity! I know I will shut off my mind and throw my judgment out the car window on the way to his place. I know I will not be able to think right. I know I will make choices that I will deeply regret in the future.

[This future thinking stuff is so foreign. It feels amazing and terrifying.]

Then I thought about my children. I thought about my temple recommend. I even thought about my reputation! I thought about him and his worth, and I thought he deserved respect. I remembered that my body is a masterpiece. I thought about my Jesus.

I considered my options, friends! This is something rational people do! I considered the amazing moments I could share with the security guard. I considered how I greatly miss physical affection. I considered how I greatly long to be important to a man, and here was a chance to feel that. I considered everything I have learned over the course of recovery. I considered that what I really want is something he can't provide me, and that what I really want can't be found in superficial affection.

It became apparent that I would make the right choice, and I had a period of grieving. It's not fair. It's not! It's not fair that I have to steel my lips and hands and heart till someone who will honor them comes along, when that someone may never ever come along. It's not fair that if I honor myself, I must respect myself and others, and not use my body as a plaything. It's not fair that I have to be single and alone and lonely. It's hard to say no- it is so hard to say no- but I understand that I must say no because I know better.

And so, I told him I'm on a journey of no sexual contact, not even kissing, for the foreseeable future, but that I hoped we could still be friends. He said sure, and asked why would I do such a journey?

I will show you what I told him.

And, dude. I'm so proud of myself. I feel powerful, like I can do anything I need to do. And, the love that I feel like I need from men when I behave recklessly, I gave it to myself. And it actually filled some of the holes that making out with men never fills.

This is a huge mark of progress. It's a huge indicator of the healing that I have done. I'm so thankful to my Savior for healing me. Look! Look at this! I stopped a disaster before it happened! I saved myself from profound regret, which is never worth the pleasure! I chose to keep my temple recommend, and to be worthy of the Sacrament on Sunday! I chose my kids, I chose my heart, I chose my God.

I'm Almost Certain I Won't Slip Again

I'm a little scared to write this post. The reason I decided to is because my favorite posts to re-read are the ones in which I'm totally honest, holding nothing back. I get annoyed with myself when I re-read a post and I know I was holding back what I really felt. I think, why didn't I just lay it all out there? and I realize that it would have been a more helpful post if I had been totally forthcoming.

And so, I write you this confession. I confess that, in this moment, I feel quite sure I will never slip again. Considering my last slip was 9 days ago, I realize I may be delusional. For example, let me tell you about my experience when I'm eating chips out of a bag. After I've had a few, this happens:

This is my last chip. Okay, well, after this next little handful, I won't have anymore. I'm sorta sick of the chips, anyway. I've had enough. Oh, now that I finished that little handful, I suddenly want more, so I think I'll just have another one. This is the last one for sure. No more, I've had enough. Hmm, now that I've finished that one, I may as well have another one- what's the difference between one more and two more?"

I figure that as long as I have a salty, delicious chip in my mouth, I can fathom not having another one. But as soon as I swallow it, I feel like I want another one! My point is, with my last slip being so recent (relatively), perhaps it's like a chip is still in my mouth.

Or, perhaps, it's something more.

Really, I don't know if I'll slip again. I don't know what I'll choose tomorrow, or next week, or next month, so it's impossible to predict. And I get that.

But, today, for right now, I feel like I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the life that Marsha -- Addiction -- offers. I'm sick of the excuses I have to make and the lies I have to believe (or pretend to believe) in order to keep her alive. For today, it feels like addiction and lust and hopelessness are utterly incompatible with my current life. Additionally, I know just how not to slip. I know all the things I need to do to avoid that pitfall. And I believe I will do them. I believe I will continually do them, and do them better than I do them now. I believe I will do more and learn more as I follow the Spirit and keep the commandments. I know that if I continue on the right and righteous path that the scriptures point me to, that I cannot fall into the grasp of Satan long enough to slip.

Also, as I look back on my last slip, it feels different. It feels like it was more out of rebellion and apathy than compulsion. I'm not saying that's a good thing, not remotely. In fact, I think it makes it worse. However, if I'm right, it means that I am not imprisoned anymore by addiction.

There is only one way out of hell, and that's Jesus. There is only one way to Salvation and Eternal Life, and that's Jesus. I was in Hell, and He has carried me out. I was alone and scared in a dark, cold forest, surrounded by beasts of terror who wished to devour me, and Jesus came after me and I finally decided to follow Him out. I'm following Him out. With Him, I am safe. With Him, I can withstand all of life's trials. He will take my arrows of unfair circumstances and my bullets of personal weakness. He will stay the beasts that come to attack me and destroy me. All I have to do is stay by His side, and walk with Him.

If I do that, and as long as I'm doing that, I won't ever slip again. Not in this addiction. I will continue to make mistakes, daily! I will continue to succumb to other weaknesses. But not this one. This one, I can be free of every day that I chose to be free of it.

And . . . I believe I will so choose, which means, I will never slip again.

We'll see, I guess! I hope this isn't arrogant, because if I am arrogant, I'm prideful, and pride is a breeding grounds for temptation. But if I trust my Jesus, that is not arrogance.

Regardless of my journey ahead, I know that I am of great worth to my Father and my Savior. Regardless, I know that They will continue to hold out their open arms to me, ready to fight my battles and guide me to happiness.

I'm hate addiction! I hate pornography! I love freedom and serenity. I can have freedom if I choose it, and serenity if I want it.

When Serenity is Scary

Most addicts in recovery are well-acquainted with the oft-quoted adage above, known as the Serenity Prayer. Google's definition of Serenity is "a state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled." Oh, sweet serenity! Serenity is trust in God, a trust that because He is God, everything will be alright.

My last slip happened on my 123rd day. It happened on a day after I'd enjoyed many consecutive days of abstinence, as well as straight-up peace; serenity. I had been so happy. On Christmas Eve, I posted the following on Facebook:

"All month my heart has been soaring with happiness. I don't know why, really, but I'm not gonna overthink it. I'm just so happy and so grateful and so covered in love. Even with the stress and busyness of the prison program prep, my ex calling CPS on me and having them in my house, the stress of Anna's birthday party, of her choir program that I accompanied, of worrying about sufficient income for mortgage and bills and gifts- even with all the unpleasant goings-on- I just feel I have been blessed beyond my ability to begin to capture in a FB post. I feel a beautiful calm in my heart, a peace, a serenity, a reassurance to the point beyond doubt that everything will be okay always.
I'm just happy."

And it was true. I had experienced an insane amount of continuous peace. My trust in my Savior was carrying me insomuch that I felt like I was floating.

But, I began to fear the peace. Peace is something I'm still not so familiar with. I'm much more familiar with continuous torment. I am much more intimately acquainted with fear and self-loathing, with the uneasiness of the sin-afflicted soul. I'm familiar with feeling like life is crap with moments of joy, rather than life is joy with moments of crap. I look back and see so clearly that the consequence to sin is misery! I was miserable- I drank misery because it's all that was available, as far as I could see, and it was abundant in a steady stream. Serenity came sometimes! Serenity was dear and fleeting, like a first backyard butterfly of the summer. And, because Addiction was my lifestyle, serenity rushed away quickly- every time.

I had taught myself that serenity was fleeting. But, it wasn't serenity; it was my own repentance that fled so readily. My own obedience.

Even so, I think my last slip, on my 123rd day the other week, was in some way a self-sabotage. This long-time serenity became bewildering, and even suffocating in my untrained heart. I couldn't handle the peace of trust, because it suddenly began to feel foreign. I withdrew trust, and, not so surprisingly, surrendered my sobriety. I had no such intention! Truly, I didn't. I regret it wholeheartedly.

But, I'm lying right now. Sort of. I mean, serenity isn't foreign. Serenity feels like home. It's secure and warm and safe. It feels like a hug from a loving, accepting, fully-invested parent. It feels like a memory- a memory of pre-mortal eternities. Nothing feels more right than serenity. What's foreign is my acceptance of it, my desire for it, my commitment to it. The truth is, I became overwhelmed by being too far away from my old friend Marsha. I became frustrated that serenity and Marsha are utterly incompatible. There is no and! There is only or! Sin or serenity. (Incidentally, I recommend the movie Into the Woods,) Serenity is infinitely better but sin is easier. 

So, I guess if I'm being honest with myself, serenity isn't scary at all, ever. What's scary, when I withdraw my trust in Jesus, is the idea that choosing serenity means choosing a lifestyle of repentance, and of giving up forever the lusts (sexual and otherwise) of the flesh. 

I chose momentary pleasure and escape over serenity and good favor with God. That's it. That's what I did. I am so grateful that I understand the Atonement well enough to know that my choices are not sure damnation as long as I turn back to Him and walk His path. I am grateful to understand that my worth remains unaltered by this slip! I am grateful that I am now wise enough to stand up quickly and dust myself off, rather than rolling in the mud for a few days like I used to do. I'm deeply grateful for a Savior, who has covered me for even this, again. I'm so sorry He had to.

I'm also grateful serenity isn't a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I'm grateful that I can choose it now. And I am choosing it now. 

From Weakness to Strength

**this is a quite informal post as it began as a Facebook post.**

The scriptures, both Bible and Book of Mormon, contain promises that God can/will turn our weaknesses into strengths if we turn to Him in humility and faith.

I decided to test God. I figured this was okay, since in Malachi chapter 3 He basically says "Try me and see...."

As my friends and family and anyone who has ever been in my presence know, I have a larger-than-life weakness of disorganization. I hate it. My brain is not organized and therefore my life is not organized. I have ADD as well as a sorta-phobia of schedules and lists (like the idea of them makes me almost hyperventilate), and organization is just not my BFF. It's basically my worst enemy. I have tried MANY things to combat this weakness on my own. I have tried lists and schedules- both electronic and paper, reminders in my phones, self reward systems, therapy, medication, etc. Nothing helped, ever. I figured I will always be this way, and my life will always be extremely difficult because of it. But, as I said, I recently decided to test God on His promise.

I approached Him in faith and willingness to accept His will. If He wants me to suffer this weakness till I die, fine. I will. I went to Him with my weakness and basically said, "Father, this disorganization weakness is a real life-detractor. I disappoint people by forgetting. My house is a mess. I lose things all the time. It affects my parenting because my weakness prevents me from being consistent. You promised to turn weaknesses into strengths if we come to You in faith. Here I am. Please help me. If it's Thy will, turn this weakness into a strength." And I have been so praying for the past few months.

And, well, over the past few months, I have NOT become organized. But I can testify that I AM *becoming* organized. And it is blowing my mind, my friends, it is blowing my mind. I have made charts and calendars and goals. I fail them daily but I succeed daily also.

The biggest, hugest, most remarkable change is that charts and schedules and lists don't scare me anymore. As I write that, I become a little weepy because it's a HUGE change! Our good Father, who is a God of miracles and a God of consistency who keeps His word, has shown me, little by little, that I have the ability to create and maintain structure. He has shown me, little by little, that I can try and fail and try again, and every time I try again, I get a little closer to my ultimate goal of organization. Things that seemed so impossible and terrifying before, now actually seem doable to me. I feel like I can. I can become an organized person. I would have never said that 3 months ago, but I can say it now because I truly, deeply believe it. I can become organized, because God can turn this weakness into a strength. And I think He will, because I know He is.

I am not organized. Compared to mankind's normal capacity for organization, I am not even close. But compared to 3 months ago, I'm basically Martha Stewart! God is giving me the motivation I need to maintain the schedules and ideas He is helping me create and begin. This is such an enormous miracle. Maybe it's one that only I can understand and appreciate, because at this point, my new-found organization skills are not really visible to anyone but myself. However, keep watching, friends. Keep watching, and you will see me become organized. And you will be amazed.

What does this have to do with addiction, you may ask? Well, what doesn't it have to do with addiction? Is not addiction weakness? I know we may have some of our weaknesses till we die. Elder Jorg Klebingat said “Acknowledge and face your weaknesses, but don't be immobilized by them, because some of them will be your companions until you depart this earth life.” But that doesn't mean that God won't help us with even those. I don't know if I'm going to be an addict for the rest of my life, I really don't. I wish I could say that I know God will heal me of this weakness. And-- I really do know that He will-- eventually. In this life? Maybe. But if I am not healed of addiction before I die, I am promised, as are you, that we will be provided a way to make it through. Jesus bore already the weight of our burdens, and when we let Him carry it, when we yoke with Him, we can make it through anything.

Some of my favorite verses of scripture are found in Mosiah 24:

 13 And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

 14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

 15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens
with ease,and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

I love it because it's a dose of reality. It's like, hey, you know what, you may still have these rotten circumstances to live in (the people referred to in the above verses are essentially slaves), but as a result of your gratitude and faith, I'll make your circumstances feel less burdensome. They're still there, and it's still rough, but I'll make it so easy you can bear up your burdens with ease. Trust me. I don't always take the circumstance away, but I will always reward your faith and prayers. 

And so I go. I go forward knowing that if I'm an addict till I die, God will help me as carry the weight of addiction as long as I trust Him. I go forward knowing that if it's His will for me to become organized (and I feel that it is), then, according to my faith and work, I will become organized. 

It's a beautiful thing to have so much access to so much Truth.

(you guys, I don't know how this font changed color and size, and I don't know how to fix it.)