The Lies that Sustain Her

As my addict, Marsha needs fuel, food, something that keeps her alive. I discovered what her food is: LIES. In order for Marsha to thrive, I need to believe the lies she feeds me. When I accept those lies, she gains nourishment, and therefore power.

I made this discovery last week when I was on the computer and I was attacked, without provocation, with a thought to type something specific into my search window just to see if it would yield questionable images. Immediately, the rationalizations swiftly flowed in: "It's no big deal; your filter will catch anything inappropriate." "Nothing bad will happen." "Even if you do find an inappropriate image, it's not like you're going to continue searching stuff like this." "Just one look won't hurt."

I felt myself begin to mentally nod in agreement, as I have in the past. Yep. All that's true. I won't get caught up if I just take one look. And if I do, I won't go too far. Yep.

But, abruptly and mercifully, I recognized what I was doing. No, no, no! These are lies! Every one of them is a lie! It is a big deal. Something bad was likely to happen. I would have been likely to continue questionable searches. Just one look could have been the difference between abstinence and an ecclesiastical confession.

It's interesting because I get ideas like this- to look up something in the search window- probably daily, as I explained here. But, instead of challenging the rationalizations, I have simply ignored them in the past, which works for awhile. But the other day, I recognized, acknowledged, and defined the lies. The moment I did so, the lies became powerless against me. I could not, even for a moment, suspend disbelief in order to give credence to those lies, and therefore, I could not proceed to feed Marsha. How could I? How could I begin a questionable search while openly acknowledging to myself that it would lead to a slip, which would lead to misery, and a prolonged wait for the reinstatement of my temple attendance privileges? Indeed, I could not.

Additionally, the desire disappeared. Not only did acknowledging the lie render Marsha's goals powerless, it also added power to me. I didn't want to do what the addict in me wanted me to do. Seeing the lie of it made the behavior appear pointless.

Looking back, I now see how many lies I had to believe in order to sustain my addiction. For every single slip, for each relapse, I had to believe some or many of the following (not an all-inclusive list):

It wouldn't hurt
But if it did, I deserved to hurt anyway
I don't matter
I wasn't hurting anyone but myself
I'll never recover
This is my destiny
I'm worthless
I'm beyond the Atonement's power to save
I'm worse than everyone else
Even without this, I have too many faults to ever make it back to God
I'm already a bad mom
I have to recover myself, by my own power
I don't deserve peace
This is my nature
This isn't remotely my fault
This is completely my fault
I'm a freak of nature
This addiction is necessary to keep me humble (seriously?!)
I'm too broken to ever function or cope healthily
This is who I am

If I were to take each of these lies and tell the truth about them, and believe the truth about them, I know that I would gain power while denying Marsha that power. These lies, these excuses, sustain her. These lies are why she reigns. When I see each lie as such, and believe the Truth, she dies a little each time. I intend to destroy her with Truth.

New self-conversations might happen something like this:
"I don't matter."
"That's a lie. Yes I do. I matter."
Oh, well there goes that excuse.

"I'm worse than everyone else."
"That's a lie. No, I'm not. What a selfish way to think. I'm not worse. In fact, I'm doing pretty well."
Oh. Well there goes that excuse.

"This is my destiny."
"That's a lie. No, it's not. My destiny is immortality and eternal life."
Oh. Right. There goes that excuse.

Do you see how the lies that we believe are the power we give to our addictions? The lies we believe are the power we give to the natural (wo)man that is in us. Believing and embracing these lies gives our Ultimate Enemy power over us.

And, so, you see, in a very real and personal way, it is the Truth that will make me free.

John 8:32-

And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

The truth freed me the other night when I was tempted. This verse has a new and beautiful meaning to me. I can see so clearly that truth = freedom.