Rock Bottom

What is that, anyway, really?

Over the past 18 months of attending ARP meetings, I have heard several stories of "rock bottoms." They are always dramatic. They are always a huge life event. One man shares his rock bottom story of how one day he woke in a pile of his own vomit over a decade ago when the ambulance arrived. He had his life flash before his eyes, and his family, and he knew he could no longer tarry in his alcoholism lifestyle.

And he's never had a drink since.

That's the part that gets me. The end of the story that every rock bottom seems to have. The "Never used since," "never acted out since," "NEVER DID IT AGAIN." Well, crap, where is my rock bottom? I want a rock bottom so I never do this again. I want a dramatic experience that will whip me into shape. I want Alma's angel. I don't care if I have be "racked with eternal torment . . . with the pains of a damned soul" for three days straight-- as long as it changes my brain enough to surrender my addictions for the rest of my life, that sounds like a heck of a deal!

There are stories of rock bottoms all around me. Some addiction experts say one must experience a rock bottom in order to recover. Well, what if there isn't one?

At one of my meetings, one fellow sex addict said "our rock bottom can be wherever we decide it is."

But that is not the norm of rock bottoms. A rock bottom includes some external event, some situation that the addict has encountered as a consequence of his choices-- not as an actual choice he/she made himself.

But, hold on a minute. Every "rock bottom" scenario ends with a choice. Every time someone "never drinks again" is a result of a choice, and another choice, and a series of daily choices. Rock Bottom isn't a magic button. Rock Bottom is that point in someone's life when they finally choose to walk a new path, when they finally choose to wholly depend on Jesus. What was stopping that alcoholic from continuing his addictive behavior? Nothing but choices! Nothing. Lying in vomit doesn't force one to stop drinking. He could have just as easily-- nay, more easily-- chosen to say "screw it. This is my life now. I'm pathetic and I'm a loser and this is who I am. I can't change."

So, maybe my sex addict friend was right. Maybe "rock bottom" is what/where we decide it is. Maybe it's not the event, but the choices following the event.

Right now, I fear God's wrath. I think that I am at the beginning of a very long and very complicated trial, and I think it's a result of my continued rebellion. I think this could be a rock bottom if I let it. I have refused to turn around on my own until this point, and God is letting the consequences follow. The way things are going, I'm going to have to depend on Him for everything, not just for healing of the mutilation I've done to my spirit with my choices. Suddenly, I may have health issues. Suddenly, I have severe financial issues. Suddenly, my children need special attention. Suddenly, I could lose my house.

Because I wouldn't humble myself, I fear that God is now compelling me to be humble. He's taking my health, my children's happiness, my money, and maybe my home. This is going to all but force me to depend on Him. I see what He's doing. He's angry that He has to do it. I now feel His wrath. I never have before.

But it's a beautiful wrath. I mean, it's so infused with love and hope that it can scarcely be frightening. And on the other hand, I'm so grateful that He thinks so much of me to pull out all the stops to get me back in His arms.

This is not the kind of rock bottom I want. I don't want to lose everything! I want an easy rock bottom. I'd rather recover from my addiction on my own than suffer through this rock bottom that I can see before me!!!

I wonder if it's too late. I wonder if I surrender now, will this path of losing so much continue? Or will miracles come into my life and save my health, my children, and my home?

I'm scared! No, Lord, please don't take away these blessings in my life that I have consciously tried hard to never take for granted! I think of myself as an optimist, but really I'm a fool. I deny the harsh reality of things. I try to make everything okay in my head because that's the best way I can function. If everything's okay, then maybe I'm okay.

But, this is reality! I could really lose my home! And then what? I could really have some serious health issues! And then what? My son might truly need medication so his teachers don't hurt him! And then what? I can't handle all this at once.

This is a crossroads for me. Either I choose to surrender my will and life to God, or I choose to continue serving myself. This is my rock bottom, and it's not a magic button. I have to make a choice. I have to work. I have to surrender. I have to decide if God's way is the best way. If I surrender to God, then the road will be hard. If I surrender to God, He may not spare the consequences of ignoring Him. If I surrender to God, I may still lose what I stand to lose temporally. If I continue my own path, however, I know I will lose what I stand to lose, and more. I will lose myself. I feel like at any time I can turn back to God, but that if I don't completely turn to Him to now, that it will be more difficult to find my way back in the future.

This is real. I want to write a letter to myself and explain that THIS IS REAL! Wake up, Erin! Come out of this stupor, this sleep, this fog of denial, and be real!

Oh, God help me. I can't do this alone. Calling all angels! Maybe it's time to bring in some reinforcements. Maybe it's time to tell my family my struggles, and beg them to pray for me.