All My Addictions

I have several addictions. To name a few:

sex
external validation
Pepsi
Facebook
control (most ironically)
self-loathing
cowardice
RUNNING AWAY

which is what I'm doing now. Right now. Running away. I'm only blogging because I have a ton of work to do. I don't even know where to start. Organization is not one of my talents. I don't think I've ever met anyone less organized than I am, and I'm not exaggerating about that. I can't think of where stuff should go, or in what order my thoughts should be... It's very overwhelming. I never know which important thing I should do first, so I freak out and do something like this, something unimportant (or, rather, something less urgent), and something that keeps me further away from accomplishing the things that I need to accomplish.

Maybe that makes sense to someone, but it makes no sense to me!! I don't know why I'm like that. Why won't I just face it?

It's so hard to un-train yourself. For decades, I have been scattered and unorganized. When I was in grade school, I'd ride my bike to my friend's houses but walk home, because I'd forgotten I rode my bike. Or, I'd walk to their houses with shoes, and walk home without shoes, because I had taken them off sometime and forgot that I had worn them. I'm all over the place, and I have been my whole life. I've always been untidy, unorganized and unusually forgetful. I was diagnosed with ADD just this year, but I don't want that to be an excuse for addiction. I have no idea what to do with that information, though, or if it's even factual. Maybe I'm simply forgetful and unorganized.

At any rate, organization is monumentally difficult for me. And it seems that I must be organized to conquer any of my addictions. If I could somehow acquire organization, many of my problems would be solved! I could manage my money better, I could remember to pay my bills on time (holy cow), I could make and stick to a schedule, I could abide lists, my house would be clean!

I wonder if Ether 12:27 could apply to organization. Being unorganized could be a weakness, right? Or is it a personality trait? I don't know. Well, if it's a personality trait, it's a weak one, heh. So maybe, just maybe, my Father in Heaven can make this weakness a strength. The idea of me being an organized and focused person seems so outlandish! Yet, it is something I would really like for myself.

Only, I don't want to wait. I want to be organized tomorrow.

Sigh. Okay. Well, I'm going to try to see if Heavenly Father will help me become organized. I am going to try to let Him help me on His time, and try to remember that He can't flip a switch, and that I have to work on it, too.

And now, I'm going to quiet my addict, and face my tasks which are growing by the minute.

Tomorrow is the Sabbath! Oh, sweet day of rest and love.