Coming Out of the Dark

I have been in a foggy darkness the past few months. It has become darker and foggier progressively, until, finally, I reached this place of imprisonment. Stuck. Hopeless. So fearful.

I had a therapy appointment today after a long time of no therapy. I expressed my self-loathing. I expressed my feeling of being stuck and trapped. All I want to do is sleep. All I want to do is nothing. When I think of doing something productive, I emotionally hyperventilate because if I do that one thing, then I have to do EVERYTHING that I have been avoiding.

So my therapist helped me recognize that I have reverted to an all-or-nothing way of believing. So, for your reading pleasure (heh), here is where my thoughts have been lately:

My house is such a mess! I haven't prepared for my calling! My kids haven't finished their homework! I still haven't done the laundry! I haven't taken out the trash, made my bed, cleaned my room, limited time on Facebook, emailed my missionary brothers, done my visiting teaching, paid my bills, returned the movies to Hollywood (that I've had since October!!!!), spent enough time with my kids, paid my babysitter, prepared music pieces for my choir, apologized to the cook at work for being a jerk to him, taken my kids on enough outings, taken the dog for a walk, prepared something for my piano students, cleaned the bathroom, organized the bookcase, worked the steps, decided a lunch menu for work, worked on a budget, etc., etc,. etc! I haven't done anything. I am clearly and unavoidably and completely a failure.

And it's all one. It's all one giant duty that I have to do. Therefore, if I do only one of those little things, I still haven't done anything, because it's all one, and I still have that one giant duty to fulfill. Therefore, when I think, I'm going to take the trash out, I suddenly realize that if I do that, then I have to do everything else I've been failing at. And if I don't, then I fail, so taking out the trash is stupid. Because then I'll try but fail, and to fail without trying is better than to fail with effort. Right? It makes so much sense to me! I know it's a wrong way to think, but it's how I feel, and I believe it, and it seems right. It's also why taking out the trash feel so very overwhelming. It's one tiny thing, but not with my all-or-nothing faulty perception. Committing to take out the trash feels like the same thing as committing to do everything else. It's too big. I can't do it all and so I can't take out the trash. It feels correct!

But it's wrong.

And today my therapist helped me so much to see the lie. And she helped me with a plan. And today I am going to do just a few of the things I feel I must do in order to be a successful, worthy human. And I'm going to feel dang good about my accomplishment.

I'm breaking the cycle. No more telling myself self-defeating things. No more calling myself names. No more self-loathing all because I didn't eat the bananas before they went bad. I can't jump to the top of the mountain in one leap, but I can and I will reach the top step by step.

I'm excited to get out of this fog. I can turn on some lights in the dark; I don't have to live in darkness. I'm outta here. I hate it here. Sometimes it's easier in the dark; sometimes it's comforting. But I'm sick of it and I'm better than this.

Marsha, I no longer need you. I only need God.