Living the Lies

I succumb. I succumb to the lies I've been fighting for the last something-teen years.

What I want is to be loved. What I want is to love. Why does sex feel like love for a moment? That is so unfair.

I guess I'm still struggling. Still struggling with belief, with doubt. And really, belief and doubt are the same thing. Doubt is a belief that something isn't true. And which one's right? Doubt or belief?

I can tell you this. Belief feels better. I like it more. It's lighter but stronger; sweeter and brighter.But I sometimes wonder if believing my doubts instead of doubting my beliefs would take away the heaviness of doubt, you know?

The truth is, I'm not going to do that. The truth is, my beliefs are so deeply rooted that I must hold strong. I am straying for a season, but I will return.

I thought I'd already returned. Addiction is so confusing. It makes me wonder about myself. It makes my doubt not only my beliefs, but my feelings. Do I really love God? Do I really love my family? Do I really want Eternal Life?

Somehow, I have done something to let Marsha in. Somehow, I have invited her into my kitchen and she is cooking for me. I don't remember doing this. I don't know how she got here. I don't know what I did to bring her back, and I don't know what I'm doing to keep her here. I don't know how close together slips must be in order to count as a relapse. I don't want a relapse. I want freedom.

Tomorrow is my birthday! I have this thought that my birthday is a good chance to start over. Maybe I can be 33 and never talk to Marsha the whole time I'm 33. Maybe I can be the best version of me while I'm 33. Maybe I can say, "the last time I indulged/acted out/gave in/whatever was when I was 32."

Satan makes bad look good. He mixes bad and good together. He takes good and twists it so that it still looks good. Like, he makes sex feel like love. He makes sex feel like acceptance. What I want is good! What I want is love and acceptance and to be important to somebody! Marsha tells me she can offer me that and even though I know she's lying, I believe it sometimes.

I did some really stupid things this morning. I sent a message to a man on Facebook. I wanted to manipulate him, like the old me used to do. I hate that that's a part of me. I hate it. But it IS! It is!

It's not that I want to manipulate. It's not that I want to use men. What I want is love and security. And when a man is kissing me, guess what? I am the only thing in the world for him at that moment. I become the most important person to that person. That's a lie, but that's what it feels like. It feels like temporary and safe and beautiful love.

I am sick! I am so sick. Addiction is like a tumor. It spreads its poison through the soul. Sometimes the tumor shrinks and the poison stops coursing through, and you think you're recovered. You think you're addiction-free. But then, suddenly, it grows again. Bigger than before. More deadly than before.

There is a cure. I believe that there is a cure. Many say "once an addict, always an addict." Many addicts say addiction will never be cured. I don't believe that, I don't agree with that, I know Jesus. I know some of the things He's capable of. If he can cure blindness, He can cure addiction. If He can cure a boy of a lifetime of devils and mental illness, He can cure addiction! Will He? Will He for me?

I don't know. I know that if He will, I must be willing also.

Addiction is a disease. I know I just compared it to cancer, and I hope that I have not offended anyone who has experience with cancer. But I really do find them similar.

Church started 20 minutes ago. I don't want to go. Not after my choices this morning. But I'm going. I'm late, and I am not clean, but I am going.