So Many Excuses

I work myself into a frenzy. I get a little crazy with all the things I have to do, and I wonder, did I put everything off till this moment so I would have an excuse to go nuts? So I would have an excuse to seek a distraction?

You know what, Erin? Look at it in the eye. Face it. Yeah, I did this to myself. Yeah, I should have done more last week. Yeah, that's right, this is MY FAULT; MY PROBLEM, and it DOESN'T give me license to sin. Moreover, seeking that pornographic distraction will only do more harm to the current situation, the very situation I'm trying to run away from. It will still be there after my "escape."

Oh. I see. I think that's why I prolong it so much. That's why I keep finding images and videos before the climatic conclusion. Often I wonder "If I want to masturbate, why not just do it instead of looking at all this trash? And yet I look and look. Maybe because subconsciously, I know that when it's done I have to return to reality. I still have tests and homework due. I still have a house to clean. I still have children to feed. But when I'm IN my sin, I don't think of any of that.

LIES.

I'm not crazy. I'm just WRONG. Getting myself to this stage of frenzy, of panic, doesn't do me any good. All my fears that control me-- they're just lies. I'm just WRONG. Panicking at a restaurant because I don't know whether to pay the cashier or at the counter isn't me being psycho, it's me being WRONG. It DOESN'T MATTER. I'm wrong that it's a big deal.

I'm overwhelmed now because I am very far behind in school. I want everyone to pity me and cater to me. I don't want to face it. Whenever I'm overwhelmed, my very first thought is porn. When I look to see how much longer the homework chapter is, and it's many many pages long, instead of taking a breath and plowing through, I think of turning to porn. This is counter productive in so many ways. It's NOT GOING TO MAKE IT GO AWAY!! When I'm finished with the sin, guess what, I still have many many pages of homework to do. And now I can't do it because I'm too depressed and I tell myself I don't deserve an A anyway so there's no point in finishing. I deserve to fail school because of what I just did.

And do I put myself in that lying depression on purpose? As an EXCUSE to FAIL? Do I WANT to fail?

I think perhaps that I feel right with failure. I feel like it makes sense to fail. It makes sense to be sad and lonely and depressed. Something about that just feels RIGHT. But that's wrong. That's where I'm wrong. Men are that they might have joy. I have this belief that I'm supposed to be sad. When I feel sorrow for my sins, I feel RIGHT. When I cry, it feels right!

Why is that? Why do I feel so good when I feel like hell?

Class is starting soon and today I'm going.

Never Felt Crazier

My addiction is progressing.

I'm all out of whack. I imagine this post will be odd and disconnected. I've been meaning to write for a long time but every time I get on here, I stare at the blank screen because what I want to say isn't formed into words. So today I'm just writing.

It's the fear, really. Today I have an appointment with my therapist. First time I'll see her since I ruined my Temple goal. I'll tell her everything and I wonder if she will be able to help me.

So much fear. My heart is seized with it. It encircles my heart and it's so big that it obstructs my lungs. It's like I can't breathe well. I don't even really know what I'm afraid of. I can't think of it. Failure I guess.

God never punishes me. MAYBE the reason I insist on punishing myself is because maybe it seems like if I punish myself, He won't punish me.

I should just let Him be God. I want to turn my life over to Him. But I'm afraid to. I don't want to admit that I can't take care of myself. I don't want to admit that I can't fix this.

I don't know what's real. I think I'm living my rock bottom. I hope I'm living my rock bottom. I keep waiting for a rock bottom. I think maybe my rock bottom is a string of events rather than one defining event. I'm so depressed right now and I'm tired of life. Tired of me. Tired of sinning.

That guy in my last post that I said I kicked out my life-- well I did but not then. I let him back in and then we did more bad stuff so I kicked him back out and now we never talk and I'm so glad.

I just get so crazy. I want to blame everything but me. I don't want to admit that I have a sex addiction. I have admitted it, I mean I've SAID it. But I haven't accepted it. I am a sex addict! I AM A SEX ADDICT. It fills me with such shame and sorrow. Who, ME? An addict? A SEX addict??! That just doesn't make sense. It makes NO SENSE that I'm a sex addict. I wasn't raised this way. My parents would probably think -- well I don't know what they'd think. They'd be ashamed and sad. Maybe blame themselves. But it's not them, it's me. My choices. I chose this. I didn't chose to be an addict but I chose all the things that led me to that addiction.

My addiction is getting worse! The images I choose to view are worse and worse. Oh I found a way to get past my filter on my computer. It was an accident. I've tried to find a way past it several times and couldn't. But, I accidentally did the other day, maybe yesterday, and I feel I wasn't strong enough to withstand the temptation that followed. I feel like it was too much for me to bear.

But the Bible says we are NOT tempted above that which we can bear. So. I must be wrong.

I'm scared. With the progression of my addiction, how bad will it get before I decide that the pain of the problem is worse than the pain of recovery?

I need to accept myself as an addict. I need to love myself as an addict.

But that's just it. I KNOW all the right answers. I know the right choices. I know how to overcome this. I'm just not doing it all.

David Ridley is always in my head. I have been remembering some things that he told me that I had forgotten about. I remembered something else he asked me. And it grossed me out. And that man messed me up but I still have my choices so as much as I want to blame him, I can't.

The only reason I'm blogging now is because I managed to convince myself that it's a good excuse to avoid homework.

I'M SO AFRAID!!!

Well I do't miss my iPhone. I miss it for texting. I don't miss the games or the porn or the constant checking of Facebook.

Last night I was looking at porn when the kids were awake. If I've ever done that before, it's been very rare. They weren't in the room of course. But when I think of what I could have exposed them to I want to die. Do I hate my children?

I was hoping that writing would purge my soul but I feel no less filthy.