STOP, STOP, STOP!

I was going about my day today, doing not much good, or so I said to myself. I finally talked myself into cleaning the kitchen and as I was putting something away, I thought, "I should have done this earlier. I should have played with my kids more. I should have worked more with them on their schoolwork. I wish I was a better mom. I wish I was a better person. I am no good at anything. People think I'm this great person, but I'm not. I'm selfish and lazy and all I do-"

And then I screamed in my head: "STOP! STOP! STOP!"

I have been beating myself in this fashion for the last several weeks. And today, while cleaning the kitchen, I felt so crumbled, so beaten by my own blows, so tiny, so insignificant by my own verbal abuse, that the me inside of me shouted out in desperation, STOP!

Immediately, I recalled the first time I screamed that word in succession, in a surprisingly and embarrassingly similar situation, several years ago.

A man that I loved had shoved me up against a wall and pinned me there with his large arm. He was a large man- very tall, very broad, very strong. He had never been that violent with me before, and while it didn't hurt, the fear was extreme. While I was there, totally at his mercy, he brought his angry, hateful face into mine, so close I could see his pores, and screamed at me. It seemed like he carried on forever, screaming at me, telling me what a horrible person I was, telling me why I was worse than other people, and he should have just hit me because I would have preferred that. But he hollered on and on while every part of me was paralyzed except my tears. Finally, when I could catch my breath, and when I couldn't handle another second of the abuse, I did the only thing I could think of. I screamed back at him: "STOP! STOP! STOP!" It was desperate. Pleading. Oh, please, please stop. I am dying from your words. I am broken and exhausted. Stop, please, stop telling me how you hate me, stop telling me that I am nothing. Please. Stop.

Honestly, I forgot the actual words he said the very next hour. I couldn't remember any specifics, and I still haven't been able to recall them. I think my brain is protecting me, and I'm just fine with that. But I do remember, with remarkable clarity, how he made me feel. That man did many other horrible things to me, and some hurt worse at the time than that screaming incident. But, strangely, it's that incident that still hurts. Nothing else he did affects me anymore; just that one. I think about that time and I still get emotional.

Why?

It's because words are powerful. The words we speak affect those around us, in a powerful way. I recently interviewed with the Canyon County Prosecuting Attorney about domestic violence, and he told me that emotional/verbal/mental abuse is worse than physical abuse. He said that every victim he'd ever spoken to believed the physical abuse to be less damaging and less painful than the emotional abuse. And he put it to me this way:

Prosecuting Attorney: Have you ever had a broken bone?
Me: Yes.
PA: So you know how painful that is.
Me: Yes.
PA: Which hurts worse- a broken bone, or a broken heart?

The answer was blaringly obvious. A broken heart, of course. A hundred broken bones before a broken heart, please.

Elder Holland gave an amazing talk called The Tongue of Angels. You can watch or read it here. In it, he said this:

"It is with [the] realization of the power and sanctity of words that I wish to caution us, if caution is needed, regarding how we speak to each other and how we speak of ourselves."

He explains how the words we use affect others. Have you heard people say things like "if so-and-so is offended by what I say, that's their fault, not mine," or, "So-and-so is overly sensitive and what I said shouldn't have been hurtful"? Well, I believe we don't get to use that as an excuse. We actually do need to take responsibility for our words, even and perhaps especially those words we use with ourselves. Elder Holland warns: "In all of this, I suppose it goes without saying that negative speaking so often flows from negative thinking, including negative thinking about ourselves. We see our own faults, we speak—or at least think—critically of ourselves, and before long that is how we see everyone and everything. No sunshine, no roses, no promise of hope or happiness. Before long we and everybody around us are miserable." Also, Holland explains that Jesus said, "Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man." Our negative, mean words defile us.

Quite conversely, Alma 31:5 says this:
And now, as the preaching of the word had a great tendency to lead the people to do that which was just—yea, it had had more powerful effect upon the minds of the people than the sword, or anything else, which had happened unto them—therefore Alma thought it was expedient that they should try the virtue of the word of God.

Preaching of the word had a more powerful effect upon the minds of the people than the sword. Wow! Our positive words are powerful, too. Negative words must also be more powerful than the sword, wouldn't you say? We must choose our words carefully, because words are powerful! What if, instead of saying to ourselves, "I'm a terrible person because I didn't do the laundry today like I should have," we say, "Because I am God's child, and because I have strengths and blessings, I can do better tomorrow," or, "I probably should have done the laundry, but I'm so glad I played with my kids and had a great talk with God today." Every day we do good things. Find those.

As I've said before, negative self-talk is a tool of the Adversary. He loves when we do this to ourselves. He joins in and whispers lies about our worth that we often readily believe. And while in a state of believing we are worthless, we are weakened, and Satan has more power over us, and is more able to lead us to sin.

That mean man broke my heart and my spirit that day so long ago. Do I do the same to myself when I repeat, over and over, in a mean way, how horrible I am? Well, yes. Yes I do. I'm breaking my own heart. I'm giving myself the same feelings that man gave me so many years ago. Worthless, useless, stupid, hopeless, invisible. And somewhere inside, my spirit implores, Stop! Stop! Stop!

President Uchtdorf said this:

And this applies to ourselves, too. When it comes to hating ourselves, gossiping about ourselves, ignoring ourselves, ridiculing ourselves, holding grudges against ourselves, or wanting to cause harm to ourselves-- please apply the following: STOP IT.

Well. I'm going to try, President Uchtdorf. I'm really going to try.