Still an Addict

My, it's been a long time!

I have been busy getting engaged and stuff. DUDE! I'M ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED!

Nine years ago this month, my ex husband left. Finally I have found someone. I thought it'd take two years tops, and almost a decade later, I get a 2nd chance. He was more than worth the wait.

I've been dating this fellow for about a year and I always hoped that meeting a guy would cure me. I knew it could never be that way, but I hoped it would be anyway. Well, I can tell you with certainty that having a man in my life does not erase my addiction. I know, then, that marriage will also not "cure" me, and I'm more motivated than ever to let it go to God.

I'm making progress, as my bishop consistently reminds me. I'm the facilitator now at my local ARP meeting, which baffles me. When I was asked by the Stake high-counilman, I told him I was most definitely still in recovery, still slipping, and was he sure? He said yes and I said alright. Last Friday was March 11, and we did Step 2. Funny thing, March 11 was my first ARP meeting EVER, five years ago, and we also did step 2 that day! I thought that was noteworthy.

Five years.I have been attempting to recover for five years. Okay, let's be self-fair. I have been in recovery for five years, and I have made remarkable progress. Five years ago, going 11 days without pornography or masturbation was a feat worth posting about. Five years ago, my clothing was shame and my supper was fear. Five years ago, I was too ashamed to use my real name on this blog. I would go to ARP and hope no one would drive by the local seminary building and see my car. What would they think?! Oh, I worried so much someone I knew would see my car and call me and ask, simply in genuine curiosity, "why were you at the seminary building Friday night?" What could I say to them? Five years ago, I believed that if people knew I was an addict- a pornography addict no less- they would want nothing to do with me. I felt like a dirty diaper. Five years ago, I didn't understand that the Atonement was for me. In some ways, I still don't understand. Five years seems like a very long time to my inner-critic. It seems irresponsible and pathetic of me that I'm still a freaking addict after five years of ARP-assisted recovery. My inner-critic shakes her head and dismisses any progress I've made because, what does it matter? it shouldn't have taken this long. I should have had this licked years ago. I should be done with this by now.

But my inner cheerleader has mighty good things to say. Like, for example, the fact that I haven't sought out visual pornography in 13 months!!! Say what? Five years ago, I couldn't have seen a day where I'd ever be able to say that! A year ago last month was the last time I watched a porn video. It feels amazing. Dude. A whole year. I didn't do a year at a time; that's impossible. I did a year one day at a time.

Don't be misled; I have still sought out pornography; I have simply managed to raise the bar of what I find acceptable, even in my darkest, most desperate moments. In the recent past (for my own reference: I think six weeks ago this weekend), I have found written pornography and read it. That's where I am now. That's where my slips are: textual porn and stuff. It's sometimes difficult to celebrate success when I'm still a prisoner to my flesh. I'm still an addict, through and through. I still mentally turn to sex or something sexual at signs of stress or sorrow or anxiety. It's still my go-to! Several times daily, I have to kick out the invading thoughts which threaten my sobriety and worthiness. And when will I get to stop fighting so hard, so constantly? Is this how recovery goes? Raising the bar bit by bit till it's too high to break? If I accept written porn now, will it be limited to mere ideas later? If it's every six weeks now, will I gain strength to go 10 weeks, then 12, then 50? Is it just a constant progression, or can I hope for an end?

It's weird to abhor something so completely while still feeling an attraction to it. I don't feel "done" with pornography. I mean, I still find the idea appealing. I still fight out the idea all the time. I still feel so weak.

God is trying to teach me to stop hurrying everything. I'm learning so slowly. Patience, Stephanie.

Something sorta amazing happened the other day. I was driving home from a stressful day at work, and my mind was blank, but then I realized I was thinking about something inappropriate, and even making plans to participate in something inappropriate. As usual, I kicked that thought out my brain with great annoyance, but I went a step further. "Hold on," I whispered to myself. "What's wrong?" I asked myself what's wrong. If my default thought to find comfort is something sexual, then what am I seeking comfort about? I thought about it, and validated all the things that were making me sad or worried. I let myself feel it and tried very hard to not judge myself for feeling it.

You guys, I feel like this is groundbreaking. If I can do this every time I have an idea or a thought that threatens my worthiness, I will love myself back to health. "Stephanie, what's wrong?" Addiction is coping gone bad. Asking myself what's going on when I recognize those thoughts will help me cope well, and I'm excited about that.

God is so good. How He loves us! How He teaches us! Truly, He gives us gifts and enlightenment line upon line, as we are ready. How I love my Savior, my Redeemer, my advocate, Who comes to get me every time I stray, Whose arms are ever-open toward me.