Darkness

When I was 15, I wrote a non-rhyming for the first time. I wish I had it now but I remember part of it, and it's quite good considering my age.

The darkness envelopes me
Like a thick fog
Its fingers of evil grasp my hair
And hold me down so that I cannot move.

I feel so now. I feel so trapped in darkness and I cannot breathe and I cannot see and I cannot move. I think that if I freed myself, or rather, if I chose to be freed by Jesus, then I would be living a beautiful life at this moment. I have no significant outside trials right now. I have everything. I have a job. I have a home. I have wonderful children. I have food every day. I have generally good health, and I'm safe. I have everything right now! What a tragedy it is that I don't have self control. What a tragedy it is that I am swimming in a sea of filth, wasting away my very good fortune, not living this life in a time when it's going very well! Instead I'm choosing hell when I'm in heaven.

It is heavy now, this great burden of sin. It is dark now.

O, Jesus, thou son of God, have mercy on me!

Parents of Porn Stars

Most of my mom's side of the family are very active in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. She has a very big family, so that's saying a lot. Of course, we have a few who have chosen other paths. One of my very many cousins has chosen a lifestyle of parties, alcohol, late nights, clubs, etc., perhaps typical for an American young man his age. He's in his mid 20's I believe. I was looking through some new pictures on his Facebook page, which pictures depict just the lifestyle I described. He was partying and drinking, hanging out with a lot of people who were playing drinking games with him. I thought, it must break his parents' hearts to see these kinds of pictures, wherein their son, their beloved son, is partaking in activities and of substances that may well destroy his body and soul. How it must just kill them!

If my daughter, my sweet, beloved daughter, grew up and became a porn star of sorts, and had pictures of herself, which pictures demeaned her identity and destroyed others in the process, it would just kill me. It would just kill me. She is better than that, she is so much more than that. If she allowed herself to be an object, oh how it would hurt me! And do you know what else? Anyone who looked at her, and supposed her to be an object of their pleasure . . . . well, I would hope that I would never meet such an one. Because I would be so angry. How dare you, I would think, how dare you look at my daughter in that way! HOW DARE YOU SEE HER THAT WAY! How dare you! I would be infuriated at anyone who would hurt my baby like that.

Thankfully, my God is merciful to me. More merciful, I believe, than I would ever be to someone who intentionally hurt my princess. For I have done that to His precious, beloved daughters and sons, I have done that to them. And these women, and men, they all have mommies and daddies, many of whom, I'm sure, love them dearly as I love my sweet daughter. And I have chosen to watch these children of God make terrible choices, I have perpetuated this evil work, I have seen the daughters and sons of moms and dads, I watched them with a degree of pleasure as they ruin their lives. I have taken pleasure in their children's destruction. And now, since I would ask anyone who would take pleasure in my child's hell, I must ask myself "How dare you?"

I can't look at porn anymore. I hope it's permanent, I pray it's permanent. And what I mean to say is, like I mentioned before, that I can't look at real people porn anymore. I can't do that to moms and dads anymore, or to my God, my Father, the Father of these "porn stars."

And to the parents of all the people I've looked at over the past years, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry that I've done that to your children. I can't say I'm sorry enough but I can't be sorry enough.

God, forgive me.

You think you're back on track...

And then the other day happens. This is not good. I'm so sick of my dependence on this crap.

But. The efforts of the likes of Shelley Lubben and Crystal Renaud have proven fruitful even for me. I cannot, cannot watch a porn scene with real people in it. I've studied Lubben's story, read a bit of her book, and I literally, at this point anyway, can't look up the same kind of porn that I used to, that star humans. I can't, and I'm so grateful to these women and others like them who have shared the stories of their experiences behind the scenes of the porn industry. They have convinced me, for good I hope, that these women, and men too, are God's children, they're someone else's children, they're mothers, they're souls. Not things. And the other day when I was wanting so very much to look at a porn clip, I actually tried to look up some of the stuff I'm accustomed to I'm ashamed to say, and I couldn't. Victory! Not my victory, but God's. And Shelley Lubben's, and Crystal Renaud's.

However, there's still the animated garbage and the literature that I still justify participating in.

I always wonder if I feel bad enough. I don't think I do. I don't know how to feel sufficient sorrow for what I've done, what I'm doing.

I read a great article today. It was about Craig Blanchette, the wheelchair racer. Evidently, he had a porn addiction. If you want, you can read his story here. My favorite line, about his addiction to porn: "I had a pain that I was medicating, but the side effect of that medication was greater than the pain itself."

So true.

I want to feel bad enough but I don't want to feel so bad that I fall back into depression. I don't know how to find the balance.

Look to God and Live

My brain is without order. I don't know how to establish order in my brain. I think that's something I will ask my new therapist.

I asked God today what I need to do differently to expedite recovery. The only thing I can think of is study my scriptures. I have a few problems with this.

1. I don't know if it's my idea or God's.

2. I've BEEN reading and I STILL fall.

3. I doubt that it can really be that simple

4. I doubt that it can really be that permanently effective.

Here's the thing. This is interesting. I DO doubt that it will be all that effective, BUT, I have been a personal witness to how helpful it is. Why do I doubt what I already know? Another thing is, reading the scriptures- that's so easy. Anyone can do that. I don't necessarily want freedom to be more difficult, but it doesn't make sense that it wouldn't be very difficult.

Yet, I can envision great things happening from my honest and consistent study of God's word. I can see myself becoming more focused, more dedicated, more organized, as a result of scripture study. And if it's going to help me become a better person, what's the problem? What's the holdup? Why do I dread opening up my scriptures, which words I truly love? Why am I so easily distracted by the things of the world that I'd rather be doing?

And you know, maybe it won't fix my addiction. But I can't say that I don't believe it will help me don the armor of God, and protect me from temptation. I believe it will. I already have a testimony of the scriptures. Of what am I afraid? It's not hard. It's not hard! I mean, reading scriptures, studying the word of God- not hard. It's easy.

Like the Egyptians when they only had to look at the serpent on the staff to live, the only had to look to be healed. I wonder.... Will the scriptures heal me? Well, no, and it wasn't the staff that would heal the Egyptians, it was Jesus who would respond to obedience and faith. And if they looked, He healed them! The snakes came, bit the Egyptians, made them sick and/or dead. Porn presented itself, I partook, and became addicted. If they looked, they would be free. If I look, look inside the Holy Scriptures and find the word of God, I suppose that I can there find freedom.

Addiction is a consequence of sin. Sometimes it's a consequence of terrible misfortune. Addiction itself isn't sin.

Minor detour, there.

I don't want to be one who perishes because of the "Simpleness of the way." I don't want to keep dying here when the path before me is easy. Richard G Scott said "the way back is not as hard as it seems to you now." Maybe I'm making it too difficult. Maybe I'm thinking about it in the wrong way. Maybe this isn't a mountain, maybe I don't have to climb, maybe Jesus already did that and He just wants to heal me. Maybe, just maybe, all I have to do is look to live.

It's worth a try, isn't it?

Six Days

Well, here we go again.

I have hired a new therapist. I start again in January. I hope it works out. I mean, I hope it helps. It'll be a woman this time, thank goodness. I think it'll be better. I hope something clicks enough to really get this addiction under my control. It's been controlling me, in some extent, for 16 years!! MOST OF MY LIFE. I started before I even had any idea what I was doing, or that it was wrong. Having entered my life before my brain was developed fully, no wonder it's so hard.

That's not an excuse. I want this out of my life and I'll get it out of my life.

I'm blessed with a great job. I have a high deductible health insurance plan which allows me a health savings account. I put so much into it a month, and so does my employer. I used very little of it this year and have nearly $1000 left. I recently discovered that I can use it to pay for counseling. If I have another great year medically, and blessedly avoid medical emergencies, I'll be good for several sessions. I'm so grateful for my job. I'm excited to try therapy again.

Christmas is on a Sunday and it's in two weeks. My goal is here written, and is that I'll be able to take the Sacrament on Christmas day. That means I need to be clean until then.

God is teaching me, little by little, line upon line. I can't wait to be free.

I just realized- this is my 100th post! Too bad it's not exciting. Sad that I've posted about this addiction 100 times and I'm still so deep in it!

Grateful for my Addiction

Yes, it's true. I am grateful for my addictions.

I want to make it clear that I don't believe my addiction is a gift. I don't believe God made me addicted. However, I do believe that I have a personality, I have tendencies with which I was born. We're all born with weaknesses. One of my many areas of weakness is sex. Also, addiction. I believe that I was born with a tendency to this kind of thing. I believe that I made the choice to give in, and so became addicted, but I think that the only way I could have avoided addiction would have been to avoid the sin. And, since I started the sin before I even knew what it was....

My point here is, we are given -- or perhaps "allowed" is a better word -- we are allowed weaknesses so that we can be made humble. Some of us could look at porn once, twice, 10 times, and not be addicted. Some of us could handle a drink a week, a day, and not be an alcoholic. What's the difference? Why do some of us become addicted while others remain free of it? I think it's part of what we're born with, part of our personalities, part of the package that makes us who we are. So while I wasn't GIVEN an addiction, I do believe this is my weakness. Sex is my weakness (one of them). My weakness is part of who I am. I gave in. I sinned. I became an addict.

I am grateful. I wish that I could say that I would be sufficiently humble without this addiction. I wish I could say that I would learn how much Jesus loves me without this addiction. I wish that it wouldn't take addiction for me to depend on the Father. I wish, truly, deeply, that I could enjoy peace and freedom without first having to wade through chaos and prison.

But I can't.

In a sad, strange, maybe sick way, I need this addiction to bring me Home to my God.

Isn't it a paradox? For my sins are what keep me out of His arms! But I would sin anyway. If I had another weakness, maybe not addiction, I would sin. And perhaps I wouldn't understand the Atonement as well as I do (which, by the way, isn't all that well). And perhaps, if I wasn't an addict, I wouldn't learn to depend on God. I would perhaps -- likely, even -- be satisfied with where I was. I would be proud, so proud. And I wouldn't even know it.

This addiction brings me to my knees in humility. I know that I am nothing. Without God, I am nothing! Literally. I regret it, but I honestly believe that addiction is the thing that breaks my heart, my stone heart, and opens it to God.

It is my sin, my addiction, that tear me away from my Father, and from my Jesus. But it is my repentance that turns me back to Them, where I learn that I am loved, that I am important, that I have place in the Kingdom. It is sad, to me, that deep sin is what it takes me to return to Him. But do you know what that means? It means that God KNOWS me! It means He would do anything, including hurt me, including allowing His Son to hurt for me and bleed at every pore, in order to get me back Home with Him. As sad as it is that I need something so sinful, so deeply and repetitively against God's law in order to sufficiently humble me, it is also so deeply humbling that God would allow me this great weakness, even at the cost of His Son's blood and exquisite suffering.

I am stubborn and proud. I need something big to break me down and entice me to turn to God. And He gave it to me. This addiction, as much as I hate it, is what I needed. I thank my God for this weakness.

What Happened

I've had a chance to reflect on yesterday's incident. I think I know what it comes down to. I think I ignored some warnings. I think the Spirit was reminding me that I needed to refocus on God's Word. I didn't once open up my scriptures yesterday.

You know, I gotta start taking this much more seriously. I am not in a position to be so spiritually lazy. I am not in a position to just ride through this, like I'm trying to do, if I'm honest with myself. It's time NOW to STOP the laziness. It's time to actively study, devour the Word. Every day. I can't afford not to! The time has passed for passive reading of the Scriptures. Now I must read each day with the intent to find something that will help change my heart.

I regret ignoring those warnings from the Spirit. I regret buying into the "false security" that Satan designed. I regret falling for one of his tricks.

I pray for humility.

I echo Nephi's words from 2 Nephi chapter 4 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul. O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou make me that I might shake at the appearance of sin?

I know in whom I have trusted.

Change of Heart

I wonder why it's taking me so long to change. Yes, I am progressing, but the progress is so slow. Why? What can I do to expedite it? What can I do to reach freedom faster?

Today has been humbling. I got maybe 3 hours of sleep and had to go to my brother's ward early this morning for my nephew's baby blessing (it's like unto a Christening in case I have non-LDS readers). Usually I teach the 4 year olds in my ward but I got a sub for today and I got to enjoy Sunday School and Relief Society today in my brother's ward. Interestingly, both lessons were about the Love of God.

Sometimes, I swear it seems like God orchestrates things just to speak to me. Today, I heard what I needed to hear.

In Sunday School, we were studying some chapters is 1 John. 1 John 1:1-2 reads
1 My little children, these things write I unto you, that ye sin not. And if any man sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous:

2 And he is the propitiation for our sins: and not for ours only, but also for the sins of the whole world.

I began thinking of the word "advocate." What is an advocate? I thought of lawyers. I know that comparing Jesus to lawyers may seem strange, but a good lawyer is a good advocate. A good lawyer fights your battles for you. S/he takes your place in the court room, speaks on your behalf, defends you if necessary, to the end. Personally, I don't know much about the legal world. If I was in a position where I needed to defend myself in a legal situation, I would need to hire a lawyer, because of my inexperience. I don't know nearly enough about the legal world. And I never will. I would need an advocate. I would need someone to quite literally speak for me, to take my place, to fight my battle.

That is what Jesus does for me. I read verse one up there as something like Jesus telling me "Erin, please don't sin. It hurts you and it hurts me. But, here's the thing. If you do sin, you have me. I am your advocate with the Father. I will fight your battle. I will stand in your place. I know everything about this Spiritual world, and you know so little. Let me fight this. I'm your advocate."

I did something wrong. But I want to go Home. Not only will Jesus fight this battle for me, He has also already volunteered to take my sentencing upon Him, and He's already paid it in full. I can be free. Why am I choosing bondage, when freedom is right before me?!

I love my Savior. I love my God, my Father in Heaven. I am so sorry I let Them down again. Even so, I know They love me still. I know Their arms are open still, ready to receive my broken, crippled, sin-covered self into them. I know that God is just waiting to cover me in His mercy and His sweet grace. How good is our God!

Here we go again. I slipped last night but I'm up. I'm repenting. I'm turning to God and facing Zion, refusing to look back again onto Sodom.

God, forgive me. Forgive me for adding to the bitter burden of my Jesus.

I don't know how long it will take me to allow my heart to change. But I do know it's changing.

Pillar of Salt

I was busy, so busy today. I was doing something every waking moment. Until, that is, about 10 pm. I should have gone to bed then but instead I watched TV. Caught up on some missed shows.

I didn't need to do that.

I don't know if that's the reason. The shows themselves were clean. They were fine. Nothing suggestive whatsoever. I wasn't turned on by any of them. But I was so tired. I should have gone to bed. But I thought, I felt like I deserved to wind down after a long day of productivity. It's rare that I'm so productive. I just wanted to catch up on some missed shows.

I wish I'd gone to bed instead.

I don't know what it was. It came from nowhere. I mean, I felt tempted earlier today but it was so minimal, so manageable, so insignificant. What happened?

Now it's 3:30 or something like that and I can't sleep. This stuff used to make me sleep better, now it just makes me stay up all night long. My sin bears little reward. It offers less and less.

I need to sleep but I can't. I can't.

Five weeks.

I don't know. I started remembering what it was like, I started looking back on that time, on those times when I could only feel one thing. I started to miss it, long for it. I started to look back, like Lot's wife.

I wonder why is God so merciful to me.

I started telling myself that cartoons aren't really porn. I started telling myself that it's okay because 5 weeks is longer than I've ever gone and I'll just make it longer next time. I started believing that just one more time won't hurt. It wasn't as bad as usual. It didn't last as long as usual. What is that, a rationalization?

This is the worst. I think I just looked back with longing. I looked back.

This is a very serious bump in a very long road. I am not looking back anymore. I'm looking forward.

Wow, Erin. The day before you would have finally been able to take the Sacrament. HOURS before! JUST HOURS!

No more looking back. No more. Don't remind me, my Enemy, don't remind me because it won't work next time. Instead I'll think of the scripture accounts of deliverance. The eternal, glorious promise of what lies before me is far, far greater than a reminder of the earthly, temporary pleasure of my past.

I am sad, but no broken. I am sick, but not terminal. I am disheartened but not discouraged.

60 days next time. This time. It starts now.

Five Weeks!

Still going strong, my friends, still strong. Five weeks today. Every new day is exhilarating. Every step onto new grounds is motivating! Trying to stay grateful to God for bringing me here. Trying to focus on what really matters.

Well I'm no longer in therapy. I feel really good about it. I feel like my therapist pointed my feet down the right path, and now it's up to me to walk it.

The temptations are coming back but I'm just telling them to go away. I'm acknowledging them but I just don't have time to entertain them. I have so many important things to do.

Tomorrow, I'll take the Sacrament for the first time in a long time. I am hopeful, so hopeful!, that I will not fall into old patterns. I'm stronger than I used to be and I don't have to fall the week after I finally take the Sacrament! Not this time! I am not afraid of this next week. I am simply hopeful. I am not fearful that I won't make it through; I am hopeful that I will. I hope I will! I believe I will.

My therapist referred me to a great blog, Beggars Daughter. Here is another woman who has all but overcome her sexual addictions! There are more of us, and there are women who are beating this! Can't wait to join their ranks.

To Tell the Family

I've been strangely considering telling my family about my addiction. Oh, this would be a terrible thing to do! But I just keep thinking about it. I know they'd still love me. But they may look at my differently, particularly my sister, who's been directly and deeply hurt by someone else's addiction to the same things I'm addicted to. I don't know. Telling them would add prayers to my own, to my recovery. I could gain a lot of strength just by letting them know. But it would be so awkward, especially if anyone brought it up at, say, the Thanksgiving Dinner table. I mean I'm definitely the black sheep in the family. I don't think they'd understand. They would love me. They would encourage me to keep the faith. They wouldn't turn me away. But... they wouldn't understand. And I can't expect them to. I imagine some of them, if not most of them, would judge me.

There are pros and there are cons.

I don't know, though, I just keep picturing myself telling them!

Next Friday, I'm doing the musical number for the area Addiction Recovery Program meeting, which meeting will combine the local groups. Much like a fireside. And I'm playing the piano. I'm thinking I just may invite my family. And when they see me approach the mic and say "I'm Erin, and I'm an addict," they will wonder.

But if I'm going to tell them, I think the meeting would be a great way to do so. Because the Spirit will be at this meeting. There will be Love, God's love, at this meeting. And maybe my family will see that I'm just a human, a woman, struggling like anyone else, just trying to return to God. And they'll see that I'm not a Godless, hopeless, aimless, wicked soul.

The meeting is a week away. I don't know what I'll do. I don't think I'll invite my family. But I wonder if I should.

33

Quickly, I just read over my Pharaoh post. I forgot to post again that I don't believe I'm Moses and my addictions are Pharaoh anymore. I think it's the other way around. I'm more like Pharaoh, who refuses to let my addictions go, despite the miracles that are continually placed before me. I just hope it doesn't take something as drastic as what convinced Pharaoh to release Moses' people to convince me to release my addictions.

Happy Thanksgiving, Readers! I am alone today. My dinner was yesterday with my family, and today the kids are with their father. We had a wonderful feast!

I have some fantastic news. Today is day 33, clean and sober! No porn, no masturbation, nothin! Since I've been counting, I believe I've never made it longer than this before! You know, that's kindof embarrassing. 33 Days is NOT that long. But.... How sweet it is! Even though it's not all that long, this is a milestone for me! This is huge! Look where God has carried me! I didn't resist Him this time!

I've been praying like crazy. I've been talking to a new friend, whom I met in a Facebook anti-porn group. She is similarly struggling and she is amazing. And I love her. I and LOVE having someone to "talk" to, who shares the same religious beliefs that I have, who UNDERSTANDS me! She doesn't ever judge me, she doesn't ever mock me, she just listens and encourages and loves. And I help her in the same way. At least I think I do. At least I hope I do! Having someone to share these things with has been a beautiful blessing. I can tell her "oh crap, I had a naughty dream last night and I want to keep on thinking about it and expounding on it, but I also want it to get out of my head so I STOP thinking about it! It's so unfair!" and she understands exactly where I'm coming from. It's incredible. We've connected on many other levels, too, I think. What a blessing. May I suggest, if you're struggling with these issues, find a friend who's in the same boat, talk it out with her (I do suggest a same-gender friend), listen to her struggles and LET HER LIFT YOU. You can email me, too. My email is on the top right of this blog. Feel free.

I'm so grateful! So grateful on this Day of Thanks for all my blessings. I have food in my belly every day of my life. I have a warm place to call my own and a little piece of land on this Earth. I have a job! I have the greatest little kids ever, a wonderful, loving family, amazing friends. God has given me so much every day. Health, senses, use of limbs, properly performing organs, safety, healthy and safe children, this beautiful free Land, and most importantly, a knowledge of my Redeemer! A knowledge and personal witness of His healing, ceaseless, powerful love! Look how far He's taken me!

Here's to another 30 days clean. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Worst Week Ever

I'm grateful that it's late Saturday night, and tomorrow begins a new week. This week has been hellish. I admit to being proud of myself for making it through the fear and anxiety and sorrow without giving into my favorite sins. I am also extremely grateful to my God for carrying me through.

I received bad news this week. And, you know, it isn't news. It's been right in front of my face for several months. But I've been so consumed by my addiction that I couldn't see, I couldn't see my life. I could no longer avoid the screeching alarm clock and I woke up. Here's what I woke to:

FAILURE.

It was right before me. I couldn't continue to ignore it. I couldn't continue to ignore him, or her. Suddenly, I had a problem bigger than my addiction. Suddenly, I had an issue more urgent. And I think that's why I've managed to stay clean.

One of the things I don't like about continued abstinence is that when I don't have a huge problem to focus on, all my littler, less urgent faults come into plain view. And there are tons of them. And they scare me and overwhelm me. I get so overwhelmed by all the things I have to fix about myself that I end up running back to my addiction. First, because it's how I've coped all these years. Second, because if I have a huge problem to work on, it's my only problem at the time. When I'm active in my addiction, nothing else matters but becoming clean. Forgetting to help my kids with homework pales in comparison to making it through the day without turning to my addictions. But when I've been clean for a while, the littler things become more important than before. Sometime, that homework HAS to get done.

It's cowardice, I think. I wish I would just face it.

This week I'm facing it. I'm being forced to face it. My kids desperately need me and I finally see it now. I don't want to go into all the details here but I felt like I may lose two very important people. And keeping those people and those relationships healthy and happy finally broke through my pride and presented itself as much more important and urgent than my addiction recovery. I learned very important lessons this week. I am so ashamed that I haven't put my kids first. I've been ignoring these problems around me all this time because the issues are MUCH too big for me! But now, I can't ignore it.

I'm grateful for a bigger issue than my addictions. I just wish my kids didn't have to suffer. But they HAVE been suffering; that's what I've been refusing to see! They've not been my primary focus. I am so sorry.

BUT. I won't linger in guilt and shame. I will act.

After spending a few days in crisis, I was blessed with comfort and ideas for solutions. Today is a good day. As I come back down from panicking, I hope that I won't return to old ways. I hope that I will continue this focus on my kids and other relationships in my life, for they ARE more important than my addiction! For them, I must be clean. I hope that God will continue to grant me strength and power.

I am so thankful for my Father and my Savior. I get tired of constantly falling and getting back up. I get tired of always repenting. But They don't. They don't tire of opening Their arms to me. How I love Them.

Pharaoh

You know how General Conference was like 3 weeks ago? (If you are unfamiliar with what I'm talking about, learn more about the LDS General Conference here). Well as I was listening to the talks, I was inspired on a few occasions to study the story of Moses. Finally, I have begun that.

Pharaoh is my addiction. I think I've decided that it's okay, at least for now, to view my addictions as something apart from myself. I know that ultimately, I have the choice to give in or not. But, addiction is a little different than your regular run-of-the-mill choice. And so, at least for the time being, I'm going to separate it from me. Not in a way that abolishes my responsibility of it, but more in a way that allows me to attack it without attacking myself.

Sadly, if Pharaoh is my addictions, then I'm Moses. I am not so great. But for the sake of the analogy, let's just go with it. I'm not a prophet, but I am someone who is trying to do what God has commanded. Over and over and over again. I have approached my addiction time and again and have failed to convince it to let it release me.

Moses went to Pharaoh time and again and he failed to convince it to let him release his people. Well, I know eventually they are freed, but I'm not that far in my studying yet. :)

Every time Pharaoh refused to listen to Moses, Moses would perform some miracle, which God had told him to perform, and Pharaoh still wouldn't listen. So Moses would go back to God, do you see? He would go immediately back to God, kinda like Okay that didn't work, now what?

Do you see? Every time a method failed, he'd rush back to God for the next method. And God gave it to him, step by step, hour by hour, incident by incident. Every time Moses returned to God, God helped him.

******

Today has been a beautiful day. Sunshiny, even. I returned to God, and He filled me with His love and astonished me with His mercy yet again. I am not doomed. I am not damned. I am an eternal soul who has immeasurable worth.

The weekend was awful. I was stripped of hope. I believed that I had failed, that I could not overcome after all, that I may as well stop trying because I KEEP ON FAILING. But those are all lies, and I always know they're lies but sometimes I let myself believe them because they make more sense than the alternative, at the time. I was so caught up in the moment, caught up in my failure, that I supposed that I was my failure.

Yesterday, I almost didn't go to church. But I made myself go, despite the suffocating shame that swallowed me. I told myself I would just stay for the first hour; I could go home after. But one of the talks affected me, really spoke to me. The brother speaking quoted President Uchtdorf from his Conference talk You Matter to Him, I think the quote was this: "God sees you not only as a mortal being on a small planet who lives for a brief season—He sees you as His child. He sees you as the being you are capable and designed to become. He wants you to know that you matter to Him." and it got me thinking. I am not this moment of failure. I cannot define my entire worth, destiny, etc., based on this one failing moment in eternity. God loves the WHOLE me. He loves the past me, the me I don't remember, before I came to earth. He loves the future me. He loves the Eternal me, and it's just silly to live and dwell in that moment of failure when there is SO MUCH MORE of who I am.

So I came out of it, rather quickly after that. And I attended the rest of church. :)

I'm still upset. I'm still disappointed in my choices. But the shame has been diminished, and now I can think straight without wishing I were dead, and now I can do good works while I try to figure out what's the next step in my recovery. I just can't justify hating myself for one moment in eternity. It's kindof ridiculous. It's like cutting down the banana tree because one banana had one tiny bad spot.

I'm grateful today for loving reminders from God, for His tender mercies. I'm grateful for new coaches in my corner- here's a shout out to a new old friend, and here's to our treadmills that make us stronger!

I'm off to FHE. As always, thank you for reading.

Amen to Donne

It is woven within my being,
This sin.
A parasite, it seems, of sun
And dreams.
It is to me as plant to soil.
I can’t
Expunge my soul, O God, forgive
My fraud
Forgive my fraud! And yet, hold off
(Regret
Is well but cannot stay my hand
A day)
Until the hour Thou wilt banish
My guilt
By taking this my fav’rite sin—
My grave—
And accomplices; thought, desire
I’ve fought
With tireless hope; avails me not.
Assails
Still, this sin, O God! And for what?
So, God,
My Father, take away this plague!
I say,
Unweave my fibers, change my heart!
Derange
My days. O’erthrow and bend, for Thou
Dost mend
As yet, but batter my heart! For I
Will fly
Only as Thou restraineth my wings.
4.29.09

(I have heavily referenced my favorite poem, Holy Sonnet XIV, by John Donne)

See how I wrote this over two years ago? I feel so now. Where is the growth? Where is my growth? WHY HAVE I NOT GROWN sufficiently for healing?

I'm tired. I'm so sick of this. But I always am. I wish something terribly rock-bottomish would happen. What is it that I am failing to see over and over?

I can't sleep. It's 3:23 a.m. and I haven't been able to sleep at all. I have to be up in two hours. Definitely not going to bed.

I wish I had an excuse. I wish there was a good reason that my efforts increase but success stays at bay. I wish the 12 step program worked. I wish therapy worked. Ever since I've been in therapy, I have not improved. I'm not blaming anyone but me. I KNOW this is my fault. I know it's because of something I'm not doing, or not doing right. I'm choosing the sin. I choose it every time. It's not forced on me, ever. I choose it.

I want to take all my insides out of my body because they are filthy. And I am sick.

This is just part of the cycle, isn't it? Soon I will post a post about how great life is and how great God is and how merciful is our Savior and how I can do it and I will do it and I'm not a bad person and it's all about getting up after I fall and moving forward. You know. Just like always. But the truth is, I am no better than I was when I wrote this poem. I am the same. Despicable.

Yet I know I have worth. I just don't have worth to me. My kids find worth in me. My God sees worth in me. I'm needed in some respect by my children and my God. But what good am I to myself?

Don't worry about me. Don't try to tell me I have great worth because I already know that. Don't tell me to stop beating myself up because if I don't, who will? Besides, like I said, in a few days I'll write a sunshiny hope-filled post and all will be right with the world again.

Stream of Conciousness

Remember those school activities where you were supposed to write something, anything, in a "stream of consciousness?" I had a few of those assignments. I enjoyed them. I kinda feel like I need to do that now. I just need to write. I don't know what I need to write, but I have to write. So here I am. Writing in a stream, a stream of consciousness, the likes of Eric Whitacre and Philip Glass helping me along with their brilliant music.

How do you start these things? You just start, I guess. you know, I rarely filter anyway. Gets me in trouble sometimes. I should filter more. I'm going to close my eyes. I'm closing my eyes and typing and I'm not goin g to fix any errors.

I'ts so cold. The cold stresses me out. Bad things happen in the cold. It's dark, it gets dark earlier when it's cold and bad things happen in the dark. I hate this season, Fall, all it is is a mask that hides winter for a little while, but fall is winter. It's winter pretending. It doesn't fool me. I know what the changing colors really mean. Death and desolation are on the horizon. "It's so pretty!" you may be tempted to believe, but don't depend on the beauty because it will betray you. Just kidding, I'm not a beautiful tree, I'm sharp and baren and ugly. I won't shade you anymore.

You can't count on the beauty. Fall is a mask, a disguise, and it sickens me.

But why? What about Fall, about winter, elicits such negative emotions from me? Why am I afraid of the cold?

What the hell does it matter?

I've been so confused this week. I don't know what's right or wrong and I don't feel like God is helping me figure it out. I dno't blame Him: He's either waiting till a better time to show me what I seek, or I'm not seeing what He's showing me already. A while ago I decided that I depend too much on external sources to show me the way. In the end, I've discovered, I know what's the best choice. It's inside me. When I finally reach a conclusion or a decision or a realization, I sometimes understand that it was in me all along, the answer was there all along, and I wasted a bunch of time and energy looking to outside sources for the answer. So maybe that's where it is again. maybe that's why God is holing back: He knows I know the answer already. Maybe. It's here inside and it's not even so much that I need to find it as I need to acknowledge it.

Confusion. Nathaniel Hawthorne described this emotion beautifully, and acurately. I quote him: ". . .yet hope and dread kept a continual warfare in his breast, alternately vanquishing one another and starting up afresh to renew the contest. Blessed are all simple emotions, be they dark or bright! It is the lurid intermixture of the two that produces the illuminating blaze of the infernal regions."

Funny. I just realized how CONFUSING that quote is. How can Hell be illuminating? Maybe he was just referring to the fire that is associated with Hell. By the way, that quote is in Hawthorne's short story Rappaccini's Daughter.

On the other hand, what great decisions have ever been made without first fighting with confusion? What victory has been won without fighting? Indeed, there can be no victory without a fight! The bloodier the battle, the sweeter the victory. I cannot win without opposition. There is no victory when there is no battle. Success is impossible without the threat of failure. For if nothing stands to be lost, then nothing worthwhile can be gained. You know? Opposition in all things. Confusion, therefore, is a gift. I know something can be lost and something can be gained when I am confused. What I need to find out is which decision benefits me and my family the most?

Hell is, indeed, illuminating. Without it, how could I see Heaven? Without Hell, Heaven would have no value. When I think of Hell's horror, I see the value of Heaven. Without lies, how could I know truth? Without sorrow, I would never know joy. Without confusion, I could never be enlightened. Without imprisonment, I could never taste freedom.

So, yes, the blaze of Hell, as Hawthorne described, is illuminating. And the simple emotions both dark and bright are easy, and produce few results. The "lurid intermixture" of the two is what makes us who we are. It's what bring victory or death. It's what leads to heaven or hell.

The answer is in me.

I remember when I was dating my college boyfriend. He was my first love. He was poison. I remember as he held me, I felt like everything was perfect. I couldn't see anything else. I felt like that's where I was meant to be, in his arms, forever. I felt like we were meant for each other, made for each other, created with the other in mind. But, when I was miles away from him, I could see that he was poison to my soul, and that I needed to get him out of my life forever. I remember learning that when physical responses are so strong, you can't always hear logic and reason. I loved how it FELT to be touching him. But that wasn't the truth. The truth was, he was poison. It's hard to see truth when you're too close to the lie.

I was too close to the lie. I should have known by the way I had to talk myself into believing it was even a possibility. I should have known by how it first shocked me. I should have fled as was my first reaction. I know better. I've always known better. But the logic seemed sound. I, of all people, should know that logic doesn't hold a candle to truth. I'm not too close now. I'm going to go find some answers.

~~~
Having denied myself my feelings all these years and now in the past few months trying to allow myself to feel, I have a hard time identifying those feelings now as they come. It's so difficult just understanding myself! But I'm getting it, more and more, little by little. And now, I feel relief. I feel clarity. Can one feel clarity? I feel lighter. And I think that's an answer. Anyway, it'll have to do as one for now, because I think God wants me to figure this one out without His direct response. And if He trusts me with that, then I can do it. And no one can tell me how I should feel.

I think this blog post tonight was such a good idea. Still don't know what cold has to do with it all, but guess what? Without the winters, Summers would be bland. Without cold and dark, warmth and light would be meaningless.

Good night.

Repentence

Often, after I rebel, after I give into my addictions, I have a battle with myself about whether or not I am sufficiently sorry. I try to change my feelings, or force myself into sincere sorrow for my sin. Often I feel like I am just not sorry enough. But how do I get there? How do I show my sorrow to my God and myself? How do I prove that I am sufficiently in the depths of repentance?

Sometimes if I don't feel like I feel bad enough, I tell myself mean things like I'm a failure and I'm never going to make it and why even try because I suck.

God's approach has always been much more merciful. He is always so encouraging and loving with me. He never rejects me, never turns me away.

Well I think I figured out the answer to my "am I sorry enough?" debate.

The other week, my son had a tantrum, which is normal for him. He often does. I often worry that he lacks empathy, and true sorrow when he makes mistakes. Anyway, in this particular tantrum, he was very mean to his sister, and hurt her pretty badly. Kicked her real hard I think. I prayed for guidance on how to handle this situation. I took him into my bedroom and we both sat on my bed. I explained to him that his sister is my daughter and I love her very much and it makes me so sad when someone hurts or does something mean to any of my kids. I had him imagine his two favorite toys and to tell me what they are. He told me and I told him to pretend they're alive. Easy for him to do. I told him to pretend that the toys are friends and normally they get along, but one day one toy ripped the other toy to shreds. I asked him to tell me how that would make him feel. He said it would make him feel sad. I asked him to think of how it would make him feel about each toy, and wouldn't he be so sad that his own favorite toy was the one who hurt his other favorite? Anyway, it didn't seem to sink in with him. I asked him to apologize to his sister, which he did, which he always does, but it never seems like he means it. I'm very concerned about this. However, something happened that day that gave me a great deal of hope.

After my son and I talked, and after he delivered a seemingly insincere apology to his sister, my sweet boy began walking all over the house and doing things to help me out. He cleaned his bedroom. He emptied the dishwasher. He cleaned the living room! He even cleaned his sister's bedroom. All without being asked. All without even so much as a suggestion. All on his own. He's very young. 1st grade. I had never seen him work so hard in his life, all in the same day. The remainder of the day he was very compliant, very willing to help and serve. And it hit me then- this is what repentance looks like. His was the behavior of a repentant soul. He wasn't beating himself up. He wasn't pouting in his bedroom. He wasn't forcing himself to cry. He 1. stopped the errant behavior and 2. started exceptional behavior.

Because he was working so hard, I knew he was sorry for what he'd done, and I knew that he was trying to be better. I'm grateful for his example, because I think that's what God my Father wants from me. He doesn't want me to hide in my bedroom and scream and cry. He doesn't want me to beat myself up. He wants me to get up and do good. Stop the bad, start the good. And by doing good, I can show Him that I'm serious about getting out this addiction.

Bring on the rain.

How grateful and comforted I am for God's sweet mercy.

Bring on the Rain!

After my last post, this song has been running through my mind and blessing me with hope.

But tomorrow's another day
And I am not afraid
So bring on the rain!

Sometimes I'd like to hide away
Somewhere and lock the door
A single battle lost
But not the war.

I might be defeated
I might hang my head
I might be barely breathin'
But I'm not dead.

I can do this!

Drowned

I feel like I escaped from a sunken ship, a ship that was all the way to the bottom of the ocean before I broke free. And I swam and I swam and I swam and I swam, believing the surface was closer than it was. Hoping the surface was closer than it was. But I couldn't see it. And well the pressure, the pressure of being without oxygen for so long, the physical pressure and the perceived pressure, it all got to me. I was so tired of swimming. I felt like I couldn't swim up anymore. Because I'd gone so far already. I felt I couldn't fight anymore. And I couldn't see the surface. It must be too far away. And I just stopped swimming. Drowned.

So,I have been working for so long. I have been proactive about going to the 12 step Addiction Recovery Program meetings. No one told me to go. I just did. I got a therapist. No one told me to do it, I just did. I want to get better. I'm praying daily, reading my scriptures daily. I can't help but wonder that if I can't even get free of this addiction with a professional, AND a 12 step program, then what kind of hope is there for me?

On the other hand, I'm relatively certain that kind of thought is satan-originated. I'm relatively certain that mine is not a hopeless situation.

Seems like 30 days is my limit.

But on the other hand, I've made it 30 days in the past year MANY more times than I ever have before (since my marriage failed). So that's good right? I mean, that's progress, even if it's just a tiny bit of progress, it's progress, right?

I'm sick.

I feel like I lost. I put up my best fight and I lost anyway.

The Lies

Here's what's happening right now. Here's a glimpse into my head, my thoughts. Here you go:

I just want to say goodbye. Just one more time, just one last gander at the evil of pornography, just one more moment with myself, just today only, and that's it. I just want a farewell. I can't keep doing this anymore because it doesn't fit with my life anymore. I can't keep pretending when I know so much. I am facing an eternal goodbye of something that has been a part me for so long. And I think I'm ready, but I just want one last goodbye. Today. Now.

Just one more. Just one! And it will be really good. And it will fill a need that I have right now--

Oh wait. No. No it won't. Never has. Never will.

Just tonight only.

Wait, Erin, that's a lie too. Even if it was true that by giving in tonight you'll have strength to withstand always in the future, that wouldn't give you license to sin now.

I have so much to worry about. I have homework and housework and my kids and I'm not being a good enough mom and I just need a break from it all, I just need something else to focus on, some ONE thing to focus on and keep my thoughts all together. It's too hard. I can't do it. I need a release. I need a refuge. There is no other refuge.

Which led me now to search to find out if Jesus ever said He's the Refuge. I don't know but I found this old Lutheran Hymn "Jesus Refuge of the Weary" and here's the 2nd verse:

Do we pass that cross unheeding,
Breathing no repentant vow,
Though we see Thee wounded, bleeding,
See Thy thorn encircled brow?
Yet Thy sinless death hath brought us
Life eternal, peace, and rest;
Only what Thy grace hath taught us
Calms the sinner’s stormy breast.

And I imagined myself walking past the Cross while Jesus hung and I, paying no mind to the One who saved me, continued on my way to sin.

I would never do that. Well. Not literally anyway. I guess that's the exact idea I'm entertaining now.

And then I continued a search on lds.org. Found Revelation 3.

v 11: "...hold that fast which thou hast, that no man take thy crown."

What do I have? A few days under my belt. Who is the man that can take my crown? I am. What do I have? A beautiful family. A home, a job, my sweet sweet kids. Sometimes, the Holy Ghost. My children. HOLD FAST, Erin, and keep your crown. Okay. Yes.

And v 21: "To him that overcometh will I grant to sit with me in my throne, even as I also overcame, and am set down with my Father in his throne."

And 20: "Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me."

Which verse turned my lips to God and asked Him Then come here with me! Come in! I need Thee, oh forgive these thoughts. Give me strength, my Father.

And now I am stronger. And I am loved by God. I need nothing more.

Please note that this post is as honest as they come. This was literally following my thoughts, AS I was writing, I was finding the hymn, the scriptures, and praying. Just as written. Funny that this post about lies is possibly the most forthcoming post ever. I let you in, Reader. I hope you see that God can free you.

Fear vs Hope

One of my favorite quotes is by a murderous leader, Napoleon Bonaparte. He said, "He who fears being conquered is sure of defeat." I wonder if I've mentioned this quote before because it's been one of my favorites for over a decade. Anyway. Even though it's a favorite, even though it speaks to me, I haven't fully grasped its meaning. If I had, what happened on Thursday would never have happened.

I have a constant fear that I'll fail. Tomorrow is my 30 days clean day! And I have never made it much farther than 30 days before. So I fear, especially now, that I will fail. Because here is where I always fail, if indeed I've made it this far.

I've been fearful all week.

Before I get to the punchline of this fear bit, let me share what happened Thursday. As I like to do , I will share the episode by using an analogy. For the sake of this story, let's say I'm an alcoholic. I think it's just easier to talk about beer than sex. Maybe I'm a coward for it. But here we go. So if I'm an alcoholic, then Thursday was a bad day. I was thinking about beer all the day long. I hadn't slept much all week and I was very tired, and being tired often leads to thoughts about beer. It was bedtime. The kids were sleeping. I had a cold beer in the fridge (this actually doesn't relate to me at all because my addiction doesn't require me to have or hold anything, or to have had something stored) so I took it out and held it. I just held it. Felt its coolness. Thought about how it would feel if it was draining down my throat. Thought about how refreshing it would be if I could just have one beer. But I just held it.

I put it down a few times but it was always in my sight. I picked it up again and opened the tab. I could smell it. I wanted it very much. I could see the steam stuff as the cool liquid met the warm air. I imagined just what it would taste like, feel like. And I wanted it very much. But I also very much wanted it to go away. I wanted desperately to drop it and forget about it. I kept telling myself I would never drink it but I just wanted to bring it to my face so I could smell it better. That was all. I just wanted to feel the cool can on my face. But I would never drink it, I promise-lied to myself. Then I took a sip. Then begged a friend for help.

My friend saved me that night, saved me from drinking the can of beer, saved me from opening another can, saved me from drunkenness. There are some significant elements here that I want to address. 1st, I ASKED SOMEONE FOR HELP! Now, I had been praying through the evening, even as I was proverbially holding that proverbial beer can, and I think that if I hadn't been praying I likely wouldn't have lasted as long as I did, and I likely wouldn't have had the courage to reach out to my friend. I was scared to, I was nervous, even though he's been a trusted friend for years, even though he's said if I ever needed help to just ask, even though I didn't feel like he would hate me for it, I was still scared. It's embarrassing. But I did it! I put insecurities away and reached out in my vulnerability, and he was there for me. By the way, this friend recently discovered all this dark stuff about me in kinda an unusual way, and I'm very grateful because he has been extremely helpful in my recovery. Which is the 2nd thing I want to point out. Having a friend know the details of my addiction has been invaluable. I feel a bit more accountable, I have a lot more support, and, I now have someone I can turn to for help. I'm so grateful for his continued friendship even after knowing all this stuff about me, and for his care and incredible support. Thank you, Friend.

The thing is, I'm not sure if I can count it as a success. It was also a failure. I got much closer to my addiction than I have in a long time. I sipped that beer!! I tasted it before I put it away! I don't know if today is day 29 or day 3. I could argue for both. But I'm on the fence.

I'm very glad, though, to know that I do have someone to turn to in dire straights like Thursday night.

On Friday, I went to my Addiction Recovery Program meeting. There was another woman there! And she was the one who helped me to change my perspective, with her comments. She said that she had some changes coming in her life that would make her several-months-clean streak a little more difficult to maintain, and that she hoped she would make it through.

I felt then as though I had been shaken. Yes! That's it! She hopes she'll make it through! Next time I'm approaching 30 days, I'll simply change my thinking. I will not be afraid that I'll fail. I will be hopeful that I will make it through. Hope never hurt anything. If I hope and then I fail, I will not be any worse for hoping. If I fear, the likelihood that I will fail is much more. I can't wait to put this to test and change my fear to hope.

I am still being blessed with miracles. I wonder when they'll stop. I don't think they'll stop. I think there's always a miracle to be found.

Petition: Granted

God DID grant my petition. I was so tired yesterday, so emotionally tired. It had been a very difficult day. Not even so much in direct temptation as it was just-- well, I'm sensitive, sometimes too sensitive, and things had been said to me and about me that were getting to me, really hurting my feelings. It's interesting how Satan uses so many different methods to tempt us. He wanted to shake my sense of identity by whispering lies following others' comments. I'm pretty sure he managed to convince me that the intentions of some of the people talking to me and about me were malicious. I know that's not true, now. But I was so caught up in it yesterday, and so hurt.

I began losing faith in myself. I felt like these people couldn't see who I really am or how hard I'm really trying. And If they couldn't see that, then maybe my efforts haven't been enough. Well, that's a lie, on both counts. It wasn't as about me as I made it out to be, and even if it was, no one besides my Father and myself gets to decide if my efforts are sufficient. But I didn't see any of that last night, and I just wanted an escape from the day.

Problem is, my chosen escapes are generally much more destructive than not escaping would be.

There were several points in the day yesterday that I figured I'd give in later that day. I was tired of resisting. But I kept thinking "effectual struggle! this is my effectual struggle!" and that would put me back on track. But my determination never stayed long. Isn't it interesting? A few days ago, Satan used images in my imagination to tempt me. He used desires for that physical affection that ought to be reserved for marriage. Yesterday, he used feelings of self pity that had nothing to do with sex. He just tried to create a scenario from I would feel I'd need an escape. He knows my preferred escape. Whatever it is next time, I hope I'm prepared! I know that God will deliver me again if I ask.

Back to yesterday: I got home from work and was going to nap. I prayed first. I asked God to release me from my sadness and self doubt. And then a miracle happened, almost instantly. I didn't get a chance to even get in my bed for a nap. I think maybe if I'd gone to bed, I may have not been able to fight off the tiredness and sadness. But instead, I got a message from someone to call him. It was my therapist! I tell you what, everyone should have one of these. :) I called him and by the time we were done with the call, I felt worlds lighter, and I could handle my life. The focus had been removed from my relatively petty issues, and I was renewed.

I am so grateful that my Savior, Jesus Christ, is so invested in my recovery that He paid for it. I'm so grateful for a kind and merciful Father in Heaven who grants my righteous pleas and endows me with grace and power as I seek it. How do They love me like that? I must be pretty special.

Thank you to all who are praying for me.

exhausted

so tired of resisting. So tired. Wanna believe the lie that I can't do it, I can't make it another day or hour. God, help me. Father, hear my petition and release me from this pain...

But I Smell Freedom

One reason I made it through was because my Father in Heaven provided me with some wonderful ammo. I was half thinking half praying, asking why am I feeling this way?! Why is it so hard today? I remembered suddenly a scripture phrase: "effectual struggle." I wondered where it was in the scriptures and what it was talking about. It seemed pretty applicable. So on my break at work, I found the verse, and through it, God spoke to me. I share it with you now. From chapter 7 of the book of Mosiah from the Book of Mormon:

v 18 And it came to pass that when they had gathered themselves together that he spake unto them in this wise, saying: O ye, my people, lift up your heads and be comforted; for behold, the time is at hand, or is not far distant, when we shall no longer be in subjection to our enemies, notwithstanding our many strugglings, which have been in vain; yet I trust there remaineth an effectual struggle to be made.

OR, I like it this way: Oh, my Erin, lift up your head and be comforted! For behold, the time is at hand, or is not far distant, when you shall no longer be in subjection to your enemies and your addictions, notwithstanding your many struggles, which have been in vain. Yet I tell you there is still an effectual struggle to be made."

I feel like I just need to get over this hill. No, it's a mountain. And I feel like it's going to be extremely painful and difficult, but I feel like once I make it over this HUGE last hurdle, I will be more whole. I'll be out of muddy waters and in God's constant grace. Of course, I know once I'm there, I'll need to make every effort to stay there and to continue to improve, but I feel like the time is not far distant when I shall no longer be in subjection to my addictions. Just there is still an effectual struggle.

What is an effectual struggle, I asked myself? "Struggle" I know very well. But I had to look up effectual. From thefreedictionary.com:

"ef·fec·tu·al ( -f k ch - l). adj. Producing or sufficient to produce a desired effect; fully adequate."

So the struggle which the people of Limhi faced yet, and the struggle which I face yet, is effectual. Can be, anyway, should I choose for it to be. The desired effect would be, ultimately, freedom from my addictions and low sense of worth. I can choose for my next struggle to be effectual! THIS struggle. THIS battle that I'm currently fighting. I hope I'm about to win the war.

I don't expect perfection from myself while I struggle. I only expect my best.

The verses continue:
19 Therefore, lift up your heads, and rejoice, and put your trust in God, in that God who was the God of Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob; and also, that God who brought the children of Israel out of the land of Egypt, and caused that they should walk through the Red Sea on dry ground, and fed them with manna that they might not perish in the wilderness; and many more things did he do for them.

-so if I believe that God is the same yesterday, today and forever, then I believe that He'll help me as He helped Abraham, Isaac, the Israelites, etc. And I do. I believe He can and will deliver me out of bondage!

20 And again, that same God has brought our fathers out of the land of Jerusalem, and has kept and preserved his people even until now; and behold, it is because of our iniquities and abominations that he has brought us into bondage.

I know why I'm imprisoned. It's my choices.

And I close with the last verse of the chapter:
33 But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage.

I was built to overcome this.

Something Wicked This Way Comes

And let me tell you why.

As my therapist put it (yes, I have a therapist now!), when God lines things up in your life to work out, and inspire and promote positive changes, then Satan is there trying to mess you up.

Holy cow! Today and yesterday, I have felt the Adversary in my presence. It's awful. I'm trying so hard to stay above it, to rise to the gifts God has given me. I have to make clear and concise decisions several times a day in order to stay away from sin. I'm so grateful that I am remembering to make these decisions! No, I will NOT listen to you Satan. I AM important and I DO matter, and I know your lies.

I was praying today, pretty much the whole day. I kept needing more strength. Temptations kept flying at me in unusual ways. Abrupt and uninvited, an image would enter my consciousness. I would want to think about it, think about sex, think about all the things I could do with that abruptly appearing image. But I would shut it out. Sometimes I lingered for a moment before I regained courage and power. I can't describe how difficult this day has been! I can't describe the new and unpleasant sensations that filled every crevice of my body and mind! I've never been so tempted in public places before- at school, at work- I just kept wanting to rush off somewhere and make the temptations disappear the best way I know how- by giving in. I KNEW that would take care of it! If I could just slip away silently into the bathroom for a few minutes, then the horrible thoughts and feelings would flee. I'm not talking about porn here. I just needed a few minutes and then the crappy feelings would go away for the rest of the day. Of course, they'd be replaced by new and crappier feelings, but it's very difficult for me to think that far ahead. Instead, I remembered who Satan is, and figured that he must be behind all this nonsense, trying to make me doubt myself, hate myself, betray myself. And I remembered I have the power to get him out of my way. I actually addressed him and told him he can't make me believe that God doesn't love me, not today. I prayed like crazy, and I was always given strength when I asked for it.

I feel like I've been in an intense and bloody battle all day, and I'm exhausted by it all. But I come from today's battle the victor. I thank my God!

Trying!

Trying so hard to keep above the melancholy that is just begging to pull me under.

I've been reading spiritual things and watching conference talks and such. So that's probably what's keeping me afloat, if only barely.

I've been on this high for the past week or so, and it's been very exciting. I have had miracles appear before me! I have been given strength and mercy and love and grace, and now I'm exhausted by it all. I feel like I need to rise to meet all these gifts. And I do. I DO need to rise to meet them. This is not to say I need to earn them.

I need to calm down, relax, refocus, and continue. And that is just what I'll do.

On a happier note, I'm over 2 weeks now. It's not long but it's longer than yesterday!! Tomorrow's going to be a great day.

Women

Women can be addicted to sex. It's not "common," but it's not crazy. Women aren't superhuman. Women aren't immune to sexual addictions. Women who are addicts are not any less female than any other woman.

This is what I'm learning this week. One of the things I'm learning, I should say.

It's unnerving and uncomfortable to be a woman with a sexual addiction. It's taboo. It's unusual. We hear about men and porn all the time. In our church, our leaders speak directly and specifically to the men about the dangers of pornography. These talks are never directed toward women, to my knowledge. When we think of sex addicts, we just think of men. And there's a pretty lousy stigma- especially in the Christian realm- attached to men with sexual sins and addictions. And if there's that lousy stigma attached to those men, then, shoot, women with similar addictions just must be horrible, disgusting people.

Oh, how wrong I've been!

And with all my strong beliefs of gender rolls, of keeping men and women equal but not the same, I think I took it a little too far. Women and men ARE different, but women and men are people. All people are susceptible to temptation. And so what if what I'm tempted with is different than what most women are tempted with? And so what if what I'm tempted by is similar to what many men are tempted by? It doesn't mean I'm more like a man. It doesn't mean I'm less of a woman. It doesn't mean I'm a lesbian. It doesn't mean I'm worse than the men who have a similar problem. I'm just a vulnerable human with an addiction.

I know I'm not the only woman with sexual addictions. I know I'm not the only Christian woman with sexual addictions. And I know I'm not the only LDS woman with sexual addictions. What I would like to know, is where are the rest of you? Who are you? Are you attending meetings? How are you dealing? What initially enticed you to this dark, evil world of porn, or other immorality? Are you hopeless? Are you depressed? Do you wish to be free, like I do? Have you become free already? What did you do to attain that freedom? What are you still doing?

I am a woman. I am a mother.

This is important!! Women have a tendency to beat themselves up, to linger in guilt. Being addicted to sex carries enough guilt on its own- adding to it the false guilt of being a woman sex addict is a bad idea. We women CAN BE ADDICTED TO SEX! I would even go as far to say that it's normal. Maybe 'normal' isn't the right word. I simply mean that it doesn't make any given woman a freak of nature. It's human. It's not okay. It's not usual, per se, but it's human. I mean, it doesn't make me, or any other female sex addict, crazy. It's something that can happen, because no one is immune.

I hope I don't sound like I am justifying my bad choices. I'm not. I've simply come to realize that being a sex addict and being a woman sex addict are the exact same thing, as far as I'm concerned. My gender doesn't make me a worse person because of my addictions. I feel like I'm beating this over the head (excuse the cliche), but I can't emphasize it enough- I'm a woman, with or without this addiction. I'm not a less-valuable woman than the women are aren't addicted.

I wish there was a local sex addicts recovery group just for women. Women are amazing. We need eachother! I go to a recovery meeting every week and I'm usually the only woman there. I don't feel safe sharing my addictions with a bunch of men, many of whom suffer from the same addictions. They are wonderful men, but I have seen the videos and pictures they have seen. I have no idea what goes through a man's mind when he's looking at pornography, but I'm fairly certain it's different than what goes through a woman's mind. And what I don't know frightens me. The last thing I want-- and maybe this is egotistical but I don't think so-- is to start talking about my addictions and have some guy be impressed with that, or to look at me differently because of my addictions.... I guess I'm scared to be perceived like a porn star is usually perceived. If I'm a woman and I like sex, what is that to a man with a sex addiction? I don't know- I simply don't know, and that's why I don't feel all that safe talking to men who are addicted to porn about my similar addictions. Does that make sense?

On the rare occasion another woman shows up to the ARP meetings I attend, she's never addicted to sex.

I don't want women to share this horrible, imprisoning addiction with me. I simply want a safe place for women, who are already like me, to reach out and support and be supported. Women are great at supporting, you know? Also, we need support. I wish there was more awareness, first of all about how truly evil pornography is, and secondly, about the fact that women can be addicts, too.

Since I used to be afraid to seek help because my addiction was so embarrassing, I know that embarrassment is hindering other women from getting the help they need. And that's sad.

I'm so worried about all the silent sufferers out there, all the women who are addicted and don't know where to turn, but who want help. How can I reach them? How can I help them realize that they are just as priceless as the addiction-less woman? How can I help them see they can be free?

"It's not what you did, it's what you're doing."

So, all of a sudden, miracles are dropping in my lap.

I wonder why. I really wonder. What a blessed week I've had! What an extraordinary, fabulous week I've had. First, I've made it another week! Yeah! I'm becoming closer to my God, my desires of righteousness are slowly increasing, but increasing definitely.

I worry that I'm too religious here. I mean, there are other wonderful religions out there, and I never want to appear exclusive, or that I favor members of my faith over other people. All are loved by God. All are entitled to His love and His help. However, I am SO devoted to my faith, so my words will always be as a result of my beliefs which are the standards of my religion.

That said! I'M SO EXCITED! My brain, as usual, is a hundred places at once, so I need to calm down and narrow this post to one thing. I want to write about the ARP meeting from which I just returned.

As I said, MIRACLES are raining on me. I wondered "What did I do to deserve this great thing? What did I do to have these random, unexpected events, people, words come into my life all of a sudden?" That question was answered directly tonight at my meeting.

Well, I asked it. When it was my turn to share, I shared a bit about how excited I am that wonderful things are happening in my life. I'm trying so hard to be a better human being, a better woman, mother, daughter, etc., and now I see my efforts are not in vain! Anyway, so I said "I don't know what I did to deserve this." And really what a silly thing to say. We don't deserve God's love. I mean, "deserve" implies an earning. Who of us could ever EARN God's love, or mercy, or forgiveness?

At the end of the meeting, the missionary who conducts it looked at me and said "It's not what you did, it's what you're doing."

My first thought was that he meant what I've done in the past, i.e. given into my addictions time after time, doesn't matter as much as what I'm doing now to overcome. And I think that's important. And I think that is something that could be safely derived from his statement. But it's not what he meant. He went on to explain that I didn't do something to deserve miracles. It's not what I did- it's what I'm doing! I'm striving, I'm trying, I'm attending meetings, and researching resources online, praying, praying, praying. I'm striving, he said. We're striving, he said to the group, all of us are striving and THAT's what brings blessings and miracles. It's not what I did, it's what I'm doing.

Have you ever felt like a pin pricked your heart when someone spoke? Like, the feeling in your heart was directly related to the statement you just heard? That's what happened to me tonight when he said what he said, and I believe God was using him to talk to me. I believe God wanted me to know that He is pleased with my efforts, and that I'm not a failure, and that I'm worth saving. I was in the right place at the right time. It was almost like goosebumps, but internal goosebumps, alerting me that what was spoken was truth.

I'm alright. And I'm going to be alright. And God is here, and he's on my side, and He gave me His Son to take my sins. I believe with all my heart that I can be restored to complete spiritual health. What a journey this will continue to be!

I found this video helpful

about a woman who fell into the porn trap.

Maria's Story: "Pornography affected my relationship" from Fight the New Drug on Vimeo.

One Year

My first post was over a year ago, and I'm pretty much in the same place I was a year ago. This is very discouraging. I keep thinking I'm almost past this, I'm almost there, I'm at the threshold of overcoming, it's just around the corner. But that's been my mindset for the past year at least.

I'm embarrassed.

BUT. I AM a better person than I was a year ago. I'm kinder, my language is cleaner, I do my visiting teaching (hehe), I'm slightly more organized, I love better, I've forgiven more, I'm just a tad less lazy, I'm braver, my faith is stronger. So, the year hasn't been a waste. I was talking about this with my bishop on Sunday, and he said as long as I keep improving the other things around me, this huge happiness blocker of mine will eventually disappear. Eventually, I will get to the point where there is absolutely no more room for my addictions, when my addictions are so far off the rest of my behaviors and thoughts that I simply won't allow them anymore.

So how do I speed up that process?

oh, I have learned so much about who I am, about God's love, about love in general this past year. And just because I'm not very far along the path of recovery does NOT mean that I'm an unimproved person.

I'm so grateful that all God requires of me is my best. Yesterday, I gave my best. Today, I'll give my best. And I can rest tonight happy, knowing that I've done everything the Lord requires, at least for today.

It's been a difficult year, but a glorious year. I'm grateful for it. I'm still here! And today, I'm happy.

Close Enough

I know that I need to get closer to the Savior. In Bible times, Jesus never turned away a soul who sought Him in order to be healed. I can't think of a single time He turned anyone away.

I love the story of the woman with an issue of blood. Luke chapter 8:

43 ¶And a woman having an issue of blood twelve years, which had spent all her living upon physicians, neither could be healed of any,

44 Came behind him, and touched the border of his garment: and immediately her issue of blood stanched.

45 And Jesus said, Who touched me? When all denied, Peter and they that were with him said, Master, the multitude throng thee and press thee, and sayest thou, Who touched me?

46 And Jesus said, Somebody hath touched me: for I perceive that virtue is gone out of me.

47 And when the woman saw that she was not hid, she came trembling, and falling down before him, she declared unto him before all the people for what cause she had touched him, and how she was healed immediately.

48 And he said unto her, Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace.

There's that word "immediately" again. Every time I return to God, I feel grace immediately. Even if only a little. You know, it's based on how committed I am. The more committed I am, the more I feel His presence. The more faith I exhibit, the greater peace I feel at that moment of return.

I've given into my addictions waaaay more times than I can count. But, I've never felt anything but open arms when I want to return to my Savior. I know His love, and there is nothing sweeter.

It's so easy for me to stray from His side. I just need to be close enough to touch Him, all the time. The woman in the story knew she could be healed. As the disciples mentioned, there was a crowd, and anyone could have touched Jesus. But I imagine Jesus knew the touch of faith and how it differed from regular bumps in a crowd.

Immediately, the faithful woman was healed. She got close enough to Him. She was right by Him. That's where I need to be.

Lord, Save Me

And immediately Jesus stretched forth His hand, and caught me. (see Matt 14)


Image from New Life Experience 101

It's probable that I've mentioned this before, but one of my favorite Bible stories is when Jesus and Peter walked on the water. He sent his disciples ahead and told them he would catch up. But it was very late and dark and the ship the disciples were on was already far adrift in the ocean. It was stormy; wind and waves all around. Well the disciples saw Jesus and first thought he was a spirit. It was very dark. The scriptures say it was the 4th watch. I don't know what time that was, but as I understand it, it was pretty much the middle of the night. Jesus tells the men to not fear, it's Him. Peter asks Jesus basically to prove that it's Him by bidding him to come to Jesus on the water. Jesus so bade.

Peter faithfully, I believe, stepped out onto the water. I wonder how long he walked on the water before he began to sink. It doesn't really say how long he walked, only that he walked. And that is remarkable! But then Peter looked about him and saw the waves and the wind. "But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me."

I love this next verse. I love our Savior's response time to Peter.
And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him," (italics added). IMMEDIATELY! Then he asked Peter why he doubted. "Why did you doubt?"



It's interesting the order of things, isn't it? The instant Peter asked for help, Jesus gave it. He didn't first say, "now, listen, before I pull you out of the sea, you need to think about some things. You lack faith. Why did you doubt?" First, he honored his brother's request, and then went over some things with him to help him learn for the next time Peter has reason to doubt.

Well, this story has been in my head the past few weeks, so the other night, I put it to good use. I had been feeling like Samuel the Lamanite. Not that I was preaching, not that I was righteous, but that I felt like arrows were coming at me. Arrows of temptation. And I wanted to, so badly, give in. And I wanted to, so badly, be free. These to opposing interests always coexist for a while, but not for long. One of them has to win. The other day, my desire for freedom was stronger, and I said aloud, sincerely, "Lord, save me!"

And immediately, peace came to my heart. The temptation didn't disappear. But I was granted a bit of clarity, and during that moment, I read a poem a friend of mine wrote, and it gave me more strength. I realized that in the few hours that remained in the day, I could make it. I could make it just a few more hours. I could take control of the day, and I got to choose how it ended.

After, and only after, I was safe, the Lord guided me to wonder why I gave credence to those arrows that sailed past me. Why did I doubt that I could withstand them? Why did Peter doubt that he could walk on water with waves all around him?

Notice how Jesus didn't answer the question for Peter. It's personal, something we must work out ourselves. Why do we doubt? Whom do we doubt? What do we doubt? Why did I doubt?

Oh, God, give me strength, grant me courage.

I think I'm back!

hopeful

Once, I learned a lesson. I learned that I can choose to rise above the melancholy. I've since forgotten that lesson, until just this moment.

Driving home from work today, I realized two things. 1- I'm depressed, and I'm going to stay depressed until I step out of these chains that I continue to fasten around myself. But I will continue to add chains as long as I'm depressed. I can't seem to stop one without first stopping the other. I'm going to be depressed as long as I'm sinning, but I'm going to keep sinning as long as I'm depressed. Something's gotta give.

2- and maybe this is the answer, maybe this is what will "give:" I need to accept myself. I continually reject myself, pass myself off, ignore my own feelings, roll my eyes at my thoughts, rage at my transgressions. But, if I had a friend who had the same exact problems as I do, even if s/he chose those problems over and over and over again, I would love her. I would accept her. I would never, ever reject her. I would see that she was trying. So, I need to come out of this stupid cloud that sucks up all my energy and denies me joy. I'm beautiful the way I am. I'm good, the way I am. I'm normal (-ish), smart, valuable- just the way I am. And I need to accept myself the way I am. No more of this treating myself like I don't matter because of how I choose. I wouldn't matter any more or less if my choices were different one way or the other. In fact, and I realized this today driving on Eagle Rd, I don't believe there's anyone more important to God than I am. The converse is certainly also true; no one is less important to God than I am. But that just means that the playing field is level, and that I have a shot at Celestial Glory.

I've had this come into my life several times as of late, this recognition that I MATTER! I matter to God, and I need to start mattering to my own self. I would never reject a suffering soul exactly like mine if it wasn't in myself.

I'm important, and I am needed. And now, I'll go spend some time with the little angels who need me most: my children.

PS, when I'm "60 days clean" I'm going to buy myself a lovely CTR ring. :) As of right now, that date is Oct 12.

It's the Simple Things that Save Us

To be very honest, I've been struggling lately with my testimony. Recently, someone close to me, in my family, left the church. She and her husband decided that they know it's not true, that they know leaving the church is the best thing for them and their family. I'm surprised at how much their decision affected me personally. I was shocked, for one, and at first I was just devastated. I cried a lot. I knew they were making the wrong decision. I knew it.

But then I thought some more about it and I wasn't so sure. This family member is very smart, caring, wonderful and good. And she still is, and still will be, of course. I started to think how does this happen? How does one who was so firmly grounded in the Church decide it's not true anymore? I knew there MUST be a reason. She wouldn't do this without thought and maybe even prayer, and anyway, I started to question some things. I've questioned things about the Church before, but NEVER with the idea that maybe the Church isn't the true Church. So these doubts and questions started filling my mind.

I haven't cleared them all up yet, but here's what I can't deny:

-God's love. I have felt His love and I can't ever, ever deny it. Nor can I adequately explain it. To KNOW God loves you and to FEEL His love are different. I know He loves me all the time. I don't FEEL that love all the time. I couldn't! It would be overwhelming! But there have been special, sacred moments when I have been on my knees, sometimes pleading for remission, sometimes praising and thanking my God for the Atonement, and in those moments I have felt God's love. In my life, I've experienced a lot of wonderful things. I've been lucky to fall in love twice. I've experienced the joy of marriage. I've experienced the incredible, incomparable joy of bearing and raising children. None of that compares to what I felt when my Father visited me with His sweet, sweet love. If you want to feel that, ask for it. Nothing is so exquisite, nothing is so deeply peaceful, nothing is so sweet. Those memories keep me going. If that's what Heaven is like, then that's where I want to be. I want to be able to feel that Love all the time. For now, it's too overwhelmingly beautiful to carry with me always. I would collapse beneath its humbling power!

-Jesus' work. He has worked so hard for me. I can't deny that. I have felt Him fetch me from the darkness time after time. I have felt the healing His Sacrifice offers. I know that He AND my Father both separately, individually, deeply love me. No one loves me like They do. From Them, I begin to understand my worth.

-The Holy Ghost's promptings. Remember the burlesque? I had a POWERFUL warning to NOT attend. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. By all accounts, I was attending a fun variety show. But I KNOW that I was warned by the Spirit to decline the invitation and stay home. I ignored that, and am STILL suffering the consequences. I even told my friend "I have a bad feeling about this. Please drive carefully." I wish I would have listened. But the point is, I was divinely inspired to avoid that horrible show. Undeniable.

Here's another thing. When I consistently and sincerely search the scriptures, I am cloaked with a peaceful protection. With few exceptions, the days I fall are days I haven't read the scriptures. When I pray all through the day, I am protected. When I have the Spirit close to me, carnal desires flee. I cannot deny that, either.

So, if reading the Book of Mormon brings me peace, power and protection, and even energy-- it must be a good book. If praying brings me peace amidst chaos, clarity from confusion-- it must be a good thing. I believe, my friends, that it is these simple things that ultimately bring us salvation from everything that seeks to destroy and imprison us. How easy it is to dedicate a few minutes to study holy words, and a few minutes to speak to our Creator. Sometimes I wonder why I avoid them if they're so easy.

This week, I'll focus on reading my scriptures EVERY DAY with intent to have the Spirit in my life.

It's a good day. :D

But in Rising

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."

I don't know who said that. It was either Confucius, Nelson Mandela, or Ralph Waldo Emerson. Quite a pot of possibilities.

It hardly matters who said it. What matters is the truth behind it. Today I don't know if I believe it. What if I fall 5000 times? Does it really count as glory to rise that 5001th time? Or is it just cowardice to fall at that point, and rising is just a futile attempt of redemption?

I'm sick to death of falling. I want to die. Yeah I said it. I want to die. (I did not say I want to take my life.) I know these choices are mine, all mine, and I'm the one choosing all the wrong choices. And I'm sick to death of that. I'm sick to death of me. How is it that I keep making this miserable mistake over and over and over again? I HATE IT. I hate how it destroys me for days. It makes no sense whatsoever that I continue in feeding this sin because I hate it. No one made me do it. I chose it. Why do I choose something I ultimately hate? That makes no sense at all.

I have to stop this evil recorder. Satan put it into my head to give into my carnal desires, and now he's putting it into my head that because I did that, I'm a loser, I am worthless, I am NEVER going to win this fight! It's so easy to believe those lies, but, friend, in the end, I know they're lies. I know that to God my worth is incalculable. I know in my heart that I WILL win this. I have to stop those lies from growing in my heart and mind because that's part of the cycle. I'm a loser, I'm worthless, evil, stupid, a waste-- those thoughts are BREEDING GROUNDS for sin. So I must stop them. Today, that's what I'm going to work on. Stopping those thoughts. At least for today.

God forgive me.

Stuck

I feel like I'm here at this great wall. And this wall is thick, built with brick after brick of my past. And I have to get through it. But it's too much. So I sit here at this wall and let all these demons surround me. It's difficult to explain. I have so many issues to overcome, and it seems that they have all collectively landed in this spot directly before me and created this enormous wall. And it's like I have to overcome all of them all at once. Because here they all are. And where did they come from? Well, my past, obviously, but why now? Why everything?

On the other hand, I'm here at this wall. I've made it here to this wall. And now that I'm here, once I make it through, I'll be free. I'm JUST OUTSIDE freedom! "So near and yet so far" has never been more accurate. I've got to break through this barrier, and I have no idea how to do it, how to tackle all this stuff.

First of all, I need to move the biggest stone out of the way. That huge stone of addiction. Ever since that stupid burlesque-- I just haven't recovered from that. I'm forgiving myself, yes. But it started up something that should have been long in the past. And now, when I could be something like 70 days clean, I'm 10 days clean.

10 days is better than 2 days.

When I was very young, a teenager, I had a dream that I have never forgotten. It was a terrifying dream, at first. I was walking, and I believe I was holding something precious, perhaps a small child. It was dark, black. I could see nothing, but I knew that I was on a narrow path, in a hallway, and that on either side of the hall, beasts and monsters, straight out of a child's imaginations, were waiting to devour me if I stepped off the path, or if I paused. My fear was intense, and real. But on I walked. I didn't walk for any noble cause, or for any righteous desire. I walked to save my life. Even though I walked to live, I had faith that my walking would lead to freedom.

Until I saw the dimly lit wall before me. I was walking toward a wall. I was walking to the end of the hall, and I would die when I reached it. My fear turned to hopelessness and devastation. I had been walking in terror for nothing? I had been walking all this time only to die a violent death?

But in my heart, I knew I must walk on. And so walked I, toward the wall. Soon, I could see that the hall didn't end there, but it was a corner. The hallway continued to the left. I rejoiced. And just after I turned the corner, I could see a room, the door was open, and bright light spilled out of it. I knew I had reached my destination. I entered the room and I was home. I was free. Every ounce of fear was replaced with utter joy, peace, love. Standing there to greet me were two men. But I don't know who they were. One was in suit, but his face was hidden, and then I woke.

I made it. I just kept walking. So, dear Reader, that is what I'll do now. I'll just keep walking. Eventually I know I'll make it through or around or over this great wall. And I'll be free.

Power in Forgiving

On Wednesday, I forgave myself.

Oh, goodness. I feel so free. It hit me that I must forgive myself. D&C 64:10 "I the Lord will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men."

This doesn't say "forgive all men but yourself." It says I am required to forgive everyone.

That means me, too.

So I forgave myself. Or, I guess more accurately, I am forgiving myself. I have been holding that whole Burlesque thing against me ALL THIS TIME. Holding on to that grudge against myself has rendered me weak. Letting it go brought instant power.

Moral Courage

But first, a hymn that describes my feelings about my Savior:

Jesus, the very thought of Thee
With sweetness fills my breast;
But sweeter far thy face to see
And in thy presence rest.

Nor voice can sing, nor heart can frame,
Nor can the mem'ry find
A sweeter sound than thy blest name
O Savior of mankind!

O hope of ev'ry contrite heart
O joy of all the meek
To those who fall, how kind thou art!
How good to those who seek!

Jesus, [my] only joy be thou,
As thou [my] prize wilt be;
Jesus, be thou [my] glory now,
And thru eternity.

Text by Bernard of Clairvaux, translated by Edward Caswall. Italics added

I love it. I'm making this my default song. There's always a song playing in my head. Sometimes that's really annoying. If I don't like the song in my head, I now switch to this one. It's such a beautiful melody, too. Here's the Mormon Tabernacle Choir doing a wonderful job of singing it.

---------------------------------

About two weeks ago, I had a wonderful opportunity to listen to the Spirit and act with great moral courage.

I did neither.

As a result, I was rendered weak and visionless. And I fell, on my 38th day.

My best friend's friend invited her and me to a show. A burlesque, he said. I said, "doesn't that mean it's naughty?" he said no and showed me a description of the show. It looked pretty innocent. I even looked up "burlesque" online and read the first thing that came up on Wikipedia (I know, I know), and was convinced that I had been mistaken. It sounded like a great time. I accepted the invitation, knowing my kids would be at their dad's.

But, I received a strong warning. I pretended I couldn't tell if I was just making it up or not. Looking back, it was like the Spirit was practically begging me to not go. I didn't have to go. I could have stayed home. Why didn't I just say no? Ignoring that precious Voice, I went.

At that point, I should have walked out as soon as the show started. Actually, the first few "acts" were pretty impressive and not inappropriate. But "inappropriate" would be a very mild term for the acts that followed. I should have run away. I imagine if I'd run, I'd have been given strength to put out of my mind what I'd just seen. I'd have received grace, and temptation would have been farther. But run I did not. I just about couldn't. I felt so glued. I was watching live porn, basically. No one was ever totally nude. But....

I went. I stayed. I died. I came home and couldn't get it out of my mind. I hadn't looked up porn on the Net for over three months until that day. And since that day, I haven't been able to regain hope, or diminish my shame, guilt, pain. I have been in a deep depression, much deeper than it has been in several months. I've been overwhelmed, discouraged, severely disappointed, emotionally abusive to myself.

It's a little better today. Today I'm more determined to succeed. Today I'm remembering that Jesus still died for me, that He took upon Him even these last sins. And if I can make it 37 days, then I can make it 38. And so on. So. I'm starting over. But I'll run farther this time.

This Sunday, I'm going to a non-denominational sexaholics anonymous meeting.

I need my Savior. I need the Spirit. I pray for another chance to listen, and for the moral courage to do so.