Worst Week Ever

I'm grateful that it's late Saturday night, and tomorrow begins a new week. This week has been hellish. I admit to being proud of myself for making it through the fear and anxiety and sorrow without giving into my favorite sins. I am also extremely grateful to my God for carrying me through.

I received bad news this week. And, you know, it isn't news. It's been right in front of my face for several months. But I've been so consumed by my addiction that I couldn't see, I couldn't see my life. I could no longer avoid the screeching alarm clock and I woke up. Here's what I woke to:

FAILURE.

It was right before me. I couldn't continue to ignore it. I couldn't continue to ignore him, or her. Suddenly, I had a problem bigger than my addiction. Suddenly, I had an issue more urgent. And I think that's why I've managed to stay clean.

One of the things I don't like about continued abstinence is that when I don't have a huge problem to focus on, all my littler, less urgent faults come into plain view. And there are tons of them. And they scare me and overwhelm me. I get so overwhelmed by all the things I have to fix about myself that I end up running back to my addiction. First, because it's how I've coped all these years. Second, because if I have a huge problem to work on, it's my only problem at the time. When I'm active in my addiction, nothing else matters but becoming clean. Forgetting to help my kids with homework pales in comparison to making it through the day without turning to my addictions. But when I've been clean for a while, the littler things become more important than before. Sometime, that homework HAS to get done.

It's cowardice, I think. I wish I would just face it.

This week I'm facing it. I'm being forced to face it. My kids desperately need me and I finally see it now. I don't want to go into all the details here but I felt like I may lose two very important people. And keeping those people and those relationships healthy and happy finally broke through my pride and presented itself as much more important and urgent than my addiction recovery. I learned very important lessons this week. I am so ashamed that I haven't put my kids first. I've been ignoring these problems around me all this time because the issues are MUCH too big for me! But now, I can't ignore it.

I'm grateful for a bigger issue than my addictions. I just wish my kids didn't have to suffer. But they HAVE been suffering; that's what I've been refusing to see! They've not been my primary focus. I am so sorry.

BUT. I won't linger in guilt and shame. I will act.

After spending a few days in crisis, I was blessed with comfort and ideas for solutions. Today is a good day. As I come back down from panicking, I hope that I won't return to old ways. I hope that I will continue this focus on my kids and other relationships in my life, for they ARE more important than my addiction! For them, I must be clean. I hope that God will continue to grant me strength and power.

I am so thankful for my Father and my Savior. I get tired of constantly falling and getting back up. I get tired of always repenting. But They don't. They don't tire of opening Their arms to me. How I love Them.