Pillar of Salt

I was busy, so busy today. I was doing something every waking moment. Until, that is, about 10 pm. I should have gone to bed then but instead I watched TV. Caught up on some missed shows.

I didn't need to do that.

I don't know if that's the reason. The shows themselves were clean. They were fine. Nothing suggestive whatsoever. I wasn't turned on by any of them. But I was so tired. I should have gone to bed. But I thought, I felt like I deserved to wind down after a long day of productivity. It's rare that I'm so productive. I just wanted to catch up on some missed shows.

I wish I'd gone to bed instead.

I don't know what it was. It came from nowhere. I mean, I felt tempted earlier today but it was so minimal, so manageable, so insignificant. What happened?

Now it's 3:30 or something like that and I can't sleep. This stuff used to make me sleep better, now it just makes me stay up all night long. My sin bears little reward. It offers less and less.

I need to sleep but I can't. I can't.

Five weeks.

I don't know. I started remembering what it was like, I started looking back on that time, on those times when I could only feel one thing. I started to miss it, long for it. I started to look back, like Lot's wife.

I wonder why is God so merciful to me.

I started telling myself that cartoons aren't really porn. I started telling myself that it's okay because 5 weeks is longer than I've ever gone and I'll just make it longer next time. I started believing that just one more time won't hurt. It wasn't as bad as usual. It didn't last as long as usual. What is that, a rationalization?

This is the worst. I think I just looked back with longing. I looked back.

This is a very serious bump in a very long road. I am not looking back anymore. I'm looking forward.

Wow, Erin. The day before you would have finally been able to take the Sacrament. HOURS before! JUST HOURS!

No more looking back. No more. Don't remind me, my Enemy, don't remind me because it won't work next time. Instead I'll think of the scripture accounts of deliverance. The eternal, glorious promise of what lies before me is far, far greater than a reminder of the earthly, temporary pleasure of my past.

I am sad, but no broken. I am sick, but not terminal. I am disheartened but not discouraged.

60 days next time. This time. It starts now.