From Weakness to Strength

**this is a quite informal post as it began as a Facebook post.**

The scriptures, both Bible and Book of Mormon, contain promises that God can/will turn our weaknesses into strengths if we turn to Him in humility and faith.

I decided to test God. I figured this was okay, since in Malachi chapter 3 He basically says "Try me and see...."

As my friends and family and anyone who has ever been in my presence know, I have a larger-than-life weakness of disorganization. I hate it. My brain is not organized and therefore my life is not organized. I have ADD as well as a sorta-phobia of schedules and lists (like the idea of them makes me almost hyperventilate), and organization is just not my BFF. It's basically my worst enemy. I have tried MANY things to combat this weakness on my own. I have tried lists and schedules- both electronic and paper, reminders in my phones, self reward systems, therapy, medication, etc. Nothing helped, ever. I figured I will always be this way, and my life will always be extremely difficult because of it. But, as I said, I recently decided to test God on His promise.

I approached Him in faith and willingness to accept His will. If He wants me to suffer this weakness till I die, fine. I will. I went to Him with my weakness and basically said, "Father, this disorganization weakness is a real life-detractor. I disappoint people by forgetting. My house is a mess. I lose things all the time. It affects my parenting because my weakness prevents me from being consistent. You promised to turn weaknesses into strengths if we come to You in faith. Here I am. Please help me. If it's Thy will, turn this weakness into a strength." And I have been so praying for the past few months.

And, well, over the past few months, I have NOT become organized. But I can testify that I AM *becoming* organized. And it is blowing my mind, my friends, it is blowing my mind. I have made charts and calendars and goals. I fail them daily but I succeed daily also.

The biggest, hugest, most remarkable change is that charts and schedules and lists don't scare me anymore. As I write that, I become a little weepy because it's a HUGE change! Our good Father, who is a God of miracles and a God of consistency who keeps His word, has shown me, little by little, that I have the ability to create and maintain structure. He has shown me, little by little, that I can try and fail and try again, and every time I try again, I get a little closer to my ultimate goal of organization. Things that seemed so impossible and terrifying before, now actually seem doable to me. I feel like I can. I can become an organized person. I would have never said that 3 months ago, but I can say it now because I truly, deeply believe it. I can become organized, because God can turn this weakness into a strength. And I think He will, because I know He is.

I am not organized. Compared to mankind's normal capacity for organization, I am not even close. But compared to 3 months ago, I'm basically Martha Stewart! God is giving me the motivation I need to maintain the schedules and ideas He is helping me create and begin. This is such an enormous miracle. Maybe it's one that only I can understand and appreciate, because at this point, my new-found organization skills are not really visible to anyone but myself. However, keep watching, friends. Keep watching, and you will see me become organized. And you will be amazed.

What does this have to do with addiction, you may ask? Well, what doesn't it have to do with addiction? Is not addiction weakness? I know we may have some of our weaknesses till we die. Elder Jorg Klebingat said “Acknowledge and face your weaknesses, but don't be immobilized by them, because some of them will be your companions until you depart this earth life.” But that doesn't mean that God won't help us with even those. I don't know if I'm going to be an addict for the rest of my life, I really don't. I wish I could say that I know God will heal me of this weakness. And-- I really do know that He will-- eventually. In this life? Maybe. But if I am not healed of addiction before I die, I am promised, as are you, that we will be provided a way to make it through. Jesus bore already the weight of our burdens, and when we let Him carry it, when we yoke with Him, we can make it through anything.

Some of my favorite verses of scripture are found in Mosiah 24:

 13 And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

 14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

 15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens
with ease,and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

I love it because it's a dose of reality. It's like, hey, you know what, you may still have these rotten circumstances to live in (the people referred to in the above verses are essentially slaves), but as a result of your gratitude and faith, I'll make your circumstances feel less burdensome. They're still there, and it's still rough, but I'll make it so easy you can bear up your burdens with ease. Trust me. I don't always take the circumstance away, but I will always reward your faith and prayers. 

And so I go. I go forward knowing that if I'm an addict till I die, God will help me as carry the weight of addiction as long as I trust Him. I go forward knowing that if it's His will for me to become organized (and I feel that it is), then, according to my faith and work, I will become organized. 

It's a beautiful thing to have so much access to so much Truth.

(you guys, I don't know how this font changed color and size, and I don't know how to fix it.)

NOT Grateful for my Addiction; Call it What it Is

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I once said I was grateful for my addiction. Well, I'm not.

I hate this addiction. I hate how it destroyed me. I hate how it separates me from God and from my children. I hate how it controls me. I hate how it covers me with filth. I hate this addiction. I am not grateful that I am addicted, for crying out loud.

I used to think that this addiction was the only way I could grow close to God. That's a lie. Other ways I could grow close to God include reading the scriptures, praying, attending my meetings, attending the temple. Did I really believe that I could learn more about Jesus Christ in sin than I could in regular temple attendance? My addiction keeps me out of the temple, and halts my learning and my progress.

I am not grateful for my addiction.

I actually felt special for having this addiction, like God gave it to me as a gift, so I could learn humility. This addiction is not a gift of God, and I am not special for having it. Humility should be learned in other ways, such as reading the scriptures, repenting, praying, attending my meetings, and attending the temple. I was given weakness, yes, as we all were, so I could be humble, but I absolutely was not given this addiction! Addiction is, in most cases, and in my case, a result of choice. I chose addiction by choosing the sins that led to it. God did not choose this for me.

Ether 12:27 is very important. It says "I give unto men weakness that they may be humble." See how it says weakness, and not weaknesses? He simply makes us fallible. He doe not give us specific weaknesses. He does not assign anger to one and sex to another. He gives us weakness. We have our personalities and our environments that mold that general weakness into specific weaknesses. The verse goes on to explain that if we humble ourselves and have faith, he will make our weak things become strong. He gives us general weakness; the inability to be perfect, and then when we show faith and humility, and take to Him our weak things, He makes them strong. That's pretty awesome.

But, I no longer believe that He gave me this specific weakness. Doesn't that seem wrong? I have my own personality. I have my own upbringing and my own experiences, and those are the things that molded my desires and my weaknesses. If God is fair, and He is, then He would not give me sexual weaknesses and Jane a weakness of being afraid to speak out about the Church. There are degrees of sin, and so a fair God would not give more sinful weaknesses to some while sparing others. No. I have always had the choice. I am not grateful for my choices that led to and kept me in addiction.

My addiction taught me nothing. My addiction told me that I am worthless, ugly, stupid, horrible, beyond salvation. My addiction told me that I shouldn't try. My addiction convinced me that I was a freak of nature, and that I could never be healed. My addiction is darkness, evil.

I am not grateful for that which destroyed me and my family. I will not lend thanks to that which ensnares me and keeps me from God. However, I am grateful for repentance. My addiction did not humble me; repentance did. I am grateful for hope. My addiction has never given me hope. I am grateful for the Atonement. My addiction didn't teach me about the Atonement; repentance did. The addiction has done nothing good for me, and so I have no thanks regarding it. Repentance has saved me, will save me, is saving me, and so I am deeply grateful for it.

Would I have learned of repentance through another means had I not become an addict? I certainly hope so. I believe so. I am not so blind, so hard, that addiction is the only way I could come to Christ. No, addiction was the long way. And it wasn't addiction that was a way at all, but recovery from it. I am not grateful for my addiction, but for recovery.

In my afore-referenced blog post, I actually wrote this: "In a sad, strange, maybe sick way, I need this addiction to bring me Home to my God."

That is a complete lie. That is an excuse, that's what that is, an excuse and a false way to accept that I'm addicted. "Oh, I'm an addict because I have to be so I can return to God. So it's okay. I was born this way, so my choices that led to addiction are okay and part of my path to return to God." Nonononono, this took me away from God!

This is a fact: My life would be better had I never been addicted. This is also a fact: I would be closer to God if I'd followed the commandments all along. This addiction does not bring me to Him.

When I turn to God, I turn away from my addiction. So, how could it be my addiction that saves me?

I don't hold it against myself that I was so confused about what to be grateful for. I was grateful, indeed, but my gratitude was displaced. Instead of putting it to God, I was putting it to my addiction. Was it the only thing that could adequately humble me? Absolutely not; I am not that special, that unique. Those things which humble us all would have humbled me as well.

Now, I have to take the long road. That's okay. It is what it is. I will do whatever I must do. But, if I hadn't given to choices time after time after time that created and perpetuated this addiction, I would be in a better place. Wickedness never was happiness. We are not blessed for our sinful choices, but for our obedience.

I regard my addiction with no degree of fondness, nor of gratitude. I know that I can and will learn from it, but only when I turn from it. I am certainly grateful for the lessons I've learned through addiction recovery, and I know that I could have learned these same lessons another way, like by following the commandments. We are given line upon line, precept upon precept, and I cringe when I think of how spiritually far I could be if I'd only trusted God from the beginning. I have lost so much ground because of this addiction; missed so many opportunities.

I know this addiction is not a gift. It has not brought me to God. It has not taught me truths. It has not humbled me. I know that Jesus Christ has brought me to God, taught me truths, and humbled me. It is through repentance, not addiction, that I learn beautiful things. In the future, I hope I repent of smaller sins and learn those same principles. I'm so grateful to know that by taking my weak things to God, He can make them strengths. That is what I'm doing with this addiction. It will be a strength to me! I'm so thankful for a loving Savior who made repentance and forgiveness possible!