NOT Grateful for my Addiction; Call it What it Is

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I once said I was grateful for my addiction. Well, I'm not.

I hate this addiction. I hate how it destroyed me. I hate how it separates me from God and from my children. I hate how it controls me. I hate how it covers me with filth. I hate this addiction. I am not grateful that I am addicted, for crying out loud.

I used to think that this addiction was the only way I could grow close to God. That's a lie. Other ways I could grow close to God include reading the scriptures, praying, attending my meetings, attending the temple. Did I really believe that I could learn more about Jesus Christ in sin than I could in regular temple attendance? My addiction keeps me out of the temple, and halts my learning and my progress.

I am not grateful for my addiction.

I actually felt special for having this addiction, like God gave it to me as a gift, so I could learn humility. This addiction is not a gift of God, and I am not special for having it. Humility should be learned in other ways, such as reading the scriptures, repenting, praying, attending my meetings, and attending the temple. I was given weakness, yes, as we all were, so I could be humble, but I absolutely was not given this addiction! Addiction is, in most cases, and in my case, a result of choice. I chose addiction by choosing the sins that led to it. God did not choose this for me.

Ether 12:27 is very important. It says "I give unto men weakness that they may be humble." See how it says weakness, and not weaknesses? He simply makes us fallible. He doe not give us specific weaknesses. He does not assign anger to one and sex to another. He gives us weakness. We have our personalities and our environments that mold that general weakness into specific weaknesses. The verse goes on to explain that if we humble ourselves and have faith, he will make our weak things become strong. He gives us general weakness; the inability to be perfect, and then when we show faith and humility, and take to Him our weak things, He makes them strong. That's pretty awesome.

But, I no longer believe that He gave me this specific weakness. Doesn't that seem wrong? I have my own personality. I have my own upbringing and my own experiences, and those are the things that molded my desires and my weaknesses. If God is fair, and He is, then He would not give me sexual weaknesses and Jane a weakness of being afraid to speak out about the Church. There are degrees of sin, and so a fair God would not give more sinful weaknesses to some while sparing others. No. I have always had the choice. I am not grateful for my choices that led to and kept me in addiction.

My addiction taught me nothing. My addiction told me that I am worthless, ugly, stupid, horrible, beyond salvation. My addiction told me that I shouldn't try. My addiction convinced me that I was a freak of nature, and that I could never be healed. My addiction is darkness, evil.

I am not grateful for that which destroyed me and my family. I will not lend thanks to that which ensnares me and keeps me from God. However, I am grateful for repentance. My addiction did not humble me; repentance did. I am grateful for hope. My addiction has never given me hope. I am grateful for the Atonement. My addiction didn't teach me about the Atonement; repentance did. The addiction has done nothing good for me, and so I have no thanks regarding it. Repentance has saved me, will save me, is saving me, and so I am deeply grateful for it.

Would I have learned of repentance through another means had I not become an addict? I certainly hope so. I believe so. I am not so blind, so hard, that addiction is the only way I could come to Christ. No, addiction was the long way. And it wasn't addiction that was a way at all, but recovery from it. I am not grateful for my addiction, but for recovery.

In my afore-referenced blog post, I actually wrote this: "In a sad, strange, maybe sick way, I need this addiction to bring me Home to my God."

That is a complete lie. That is an excuse, that's what that is, an excuse and a false way to accept that I'm addicted. "Oh, I'm an addict because I have to be so I can return to God. So it's okay. I was born this way, so my choices that led to addiction are okay and part of my path to return to God." Nonononono, this took me away from God!

This is a fact: My life would be better had I never been addicted. This is also a fact: I would be closer to God if I'd followed the commandments all along. This addiction does not bring me to Him.

When I turn to God, I turn away from my addiction. So, how could it be my addiction that saves me?

I don't hold it against myself that I was so confused about what to be grateful for. I was grateful, indeed, but my gratitude was displaced. Instead of putting it to God, I was putting it to my addiction. Was it the only thing that could adequately humble me? Absolutely not; I am not that special, that unique. Those things which humble us all would have humbled me as well.

Now, I have to take the long road. That's okay. It is what it is. I will do whatever I must do. But, if I hadn't given to choices time after time after time that created and perpetuated this addiction, I would be in a better place. Wickedness never was happiness. We are not blessed for our sinful choices, but for our obedience.

I regard my addiction with no degree of fondness, nor of gratitude. I know that I can and will learn from it, but only when I turn from it. I am certainly grateful for the lessons I've learned through addiction recovery, and I know that I could have learned these same lessons another way, like by following the commandments. We are given line upon line, precept upon precept, and I cringe when I think of how spiritually far I could be if I'd only trusted God from the beginning. I have lost so much ground because of this addiction; missed so many opportunities.

I know this addiction is not a gift. It has not brought me to God. It has not taught me truths. It has not humbled me. I know that Jesus Christ has brought me to God, taught me truths, and humbled me. It is through repentance, not addiction, that I learn beautiful things. In the future, I hope I repent of smaller sins and learn those same principles. I'm so grateful to know that by taking my weak things to God, He can make them strengths. That is what I'm doing with this addiction. It will be a strength to me! I'm so thankful for a loving Savior who made repentance and forgiveness possible!