I have everything I need. I have a home, daily food, happy and healthy children, my own health. I have a bed to sleep in every night, a working vehicle, talents and general happiness. Each of my senses and limbs and bones and muscles are in good, working order. I am able to think. I am literate. I know God. I have a wonderful family who know about my addiction but still love me. I have friends all around me who support me and lift me, even in recovery. I am so blessed!
I have everything.
Except strength. And hope. If I've done it before I can do it again, right? Is that good logic?
I feel like I don't deserve hope. It tries to come to me and I flick it away. Not right now. I need to be miserable for awhile, first. Hope is clean but I am soiled. Hope is light but I am heavy. Hope is buoyant but I am sinking. Hope is bright but I am dark. How could I be allowed to hope? Why does it keep trying to lift my soul?
Hope is a gift of God. True Hope, hope like this, comes from no one else but Jesus Christ. And so, I suppose that by rejecting it, I am rejecting my Savior.
How can I let in this hope AND feel appropriately remorseful for my sins? I feel so conflicted! I feel like if I dare hope, then I cannot be sufficiently sorrowful. I feel like hope and repentance cannot exist simultaneously!
But, wait, that is absurd. The essence of repentance is hope! Without hope there would be no salvation and without salvation there would be no hope. Repentance is inseparably connected to hope and salvation. Repentance without hope is meaningless . . . impossible.
Oh, how heavy is my heart. How could I have done this thing again? Well . . . I know that one reason is that I have been rejecting hope.
Jesus Christ is the author and the finisher of my faith. I will work today to accept and invite hope into my sin-darkened soul. Today, I will be hopeful for a complete remission of my sins. Today, I will be hopeful for future success. Today, I will be hopeful for forgiveness, strength, and peace. Today I will hope for renewal and energy. Today, I will hope.
There is that saying, "the higher you climb, the harder you fall." Something like that. I was as high as I had ever been! And I fell. I fell hard. I'm having a difficult time getting back up.
But, hope lifts. And I will now allow it to lift me. I will see the good. I will count my blessings. I will let God heal me rather than rejecting His gift of hope.
What a tender and kind God we have.
You are amazing - keep holding on to that hope!!!! Don't you let go xxxx
ReplyDeleteStephanie, as a slightly biased observer, I think you may be being a little too hard on yourself. More important than the number of days since your last slip perhaps, are the number of days during the past year that you were in recovery, compared to prior years. You're doing awesome! Be as kind to yourself as you would be to others, Stephanie, because the truth is that you are a fantastic person.
ReplyDeleteDitto to what Dan said - seriously, every word. I also love what you said about hope being the essence of forgiveness, because it is... that is beautiful! And forgiveness is beautiful. Also, it is a gift, and you can reject it all you want, but it has already been bought and paid for, so just take it, and use it and love it :) Because it was bought and paid for with YOU in mind.
ReplyDeleteLoved your list of blessings. Helped me to remember mine. Love you so much my friend. Love yourself too, k? You deserve it, and God loves you... so why not? :)
Sounds like you might be feeling some shame. Which is perfectly normal of course, but definitely not healthy. Brene Brown says "Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change." There is no hope with shame because we feel we are bad and don't deserve hope. I think it's awesome that you've been trying to lead a shame free life but also slightly dangerous. I think we all inevitably feel shame sometimes no matter how hard we try not to because Satan is always there telling us how shameful we are. I think the key is to lead a shame resilient life. We need to recognize what shame triggers we have, what shame feels like for us, and then develop strategies to work through the shame and turn it to the more positive change-promoting and hope-filled guilt. I'm definitely no expert but I'm learning a lot about how to do this from Brene Brown's book that I mentioned to you before -"I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't)". You really are awesome and you have a lot of courage to put yourself out here on this blog and allow yourself to be vulnerable -which is a huge part of becoming shame resilient. I think you're definitely well on your way! :)
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