Hello, Addict,
I'm embarrassed to admit that I opened the door to the basement last night. Yes, you caught my attention. I even felt my sanity slipping away. I wanted to listen to you, and not to reason, as a bad choice before me seemed, thanks to you, exceedingly appealing. It's remarkable how you dress evil in such a sparkly, shiny, glorious, nice-smelling shell. I don't really want it, but the packaging sure looks nice, and it makes me think that I do want it. Don't get me wrong- I'm not complimenting you. A lie is a lie no matter how pretty, and dishonesty is evil.
Addict, you are evil. You are my "natural woman" and you are evil. Yes, I heeded to your screams last night. . . some of them. Yes, I opened the door to the basement and let you sweet-talk me. I even gave you snack. But, I want you to be clear on something. You may think that you won, but you didn't.
I lost some ground, but I'm regaining it quickly. You did not win, and let me tell you why. You are still tied up in my basement. You are not free to roam the house. You are not free at all. I have locked the door to the basement and today I'm going to put extra locks and reinforcements on it. You didn't win. You may have gained a little more ground for the moment, but you lost even more than you had before, for the long-term. You. Lose.
You will lose this war. I have God. I will win.
Oh, I know you think my threats are empty. I know you still think you can win this. I know you'll still try. But, I promise you, you will fail. As a child with divine and infinite heritage, with God as my Father and Jesus as my brother and Savior, I was made to overcome this.
I'm glad you made yourself known last night, because it woke me up a little to just how alive you still are. I made some stupid choices, but I did nothing I need to confess; nothing that will keep me out of the temple. And now I know what I need to do to make sure you stay squashed and ignored. You will die. You are dying. God will fight this war for me every moment I let Him.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
This is Your Addict Speaking
Hello, Stephanie,
It's me, your addict. You know, the crazy screaming force in your mental basement? The one you've been starving these past few months? Yeah, that's me.
That guy- he's reeeally cute. I got you to talk to him on Facebook. I'm not as dead and shriveled as you thought. I laughed when you believed my lie, "there's no harm in making new friends." YOU ARE DUMB. He gave you his number. Call him. Just do it. Believe me, nothing bad can come of it. He lives too far away for anything to happen. What's the worst that can happen? Nothing. You'll just have a new friend.
I'm clever. I'm still warm. I'm not dead. I am not dead.
It's me, your addict. You know, the crazy screaming force in your mental basement? The one you've been starving these past few months? Yeah, that's me.
That guy- he's reeeally cute. I got you to talk to him on Facebook. I'm not as dead and shriveled as you thought. I laughed when you believed my lie, "there's no harm in making new friends." YOU ARE DUMB. He gave you his number. Call him. Just do it. Believe me, nothing bad can come of it. He lives too far away for anything to happen. What's the worst that can happen? Nothing. You'll just have a new friend.
I'm clever. I'm still warm. I'm not dead. I am not dead.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Don't Go Back to Sleep
“There is a point at which everything becomes simple and there is no longer any question of choice, because all you have staked will be lost if you look back. Life's point of no return.” - Dag Hammarskjold
I don't think I've yet crossed that threshold of "Life's point of no return." I'm not saying I will return to past behaviors. But my footing isn't quite that solid, yet. A few months ago, I remember comparing myself to an infant in recovery; I was just lifting my head on my own. I needed support all around me. I knew nothing. Now, I feel like I have just learned to walk. My stepping is unsteady. I feel like I have a pretty good idea of how to manage this walking thing, but I still need a lot of support. I need people around me who love me and who are ready to catch me. I need my loving Father ever so near to encourage my every step, and tell me "good job!" when I make it another few yards without falling. I'm most certainly not ready to learn to run or ride a bike, but I have already mastered crawling and I have no reason to use that method of travel anymore. I can walk, now! I can walk.
And, so, in a way, I have reached one point of no return. I'm not going to crawl. I'm not going to be that infant who is just learning to lift its head. I'm nearly certain I won't go back that far, into a bottomless pit of despair and sin and darkness. I only look back to remember where I've been and how far I've come; I never look back in longing.
I have mentioned it before, but my favorite quote ever in relation to my recovery is from a poem by that ancient Middle Eastern poet, Rumi. "The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you./ Don't go back to sleep."
As I progress, I learn secrets. I learn God's love. I learn truths. Going back to sleep, or relapsing, would end my progress in learning these beautiful things. Going back to sleep may revert me to my state of spiritual infancy. I love the promise of secrets in the morning! I have this on regular paper in my bedroom, so I can always remember to listen for Dawn's secrets, and to be encouraged when life gets hard. Don't go back to sleep! One day, I'll get this line on a nice plaque or on a beautiful page, framed. I love it so much.
As I look back (again, not with longing), I can see how addiction severely slowed my spiritual progress. Oh, I still learned things. I still felt the Spirit, because God is so merciful; because God wanted me out of that wretched night. I miraculously retained the testimony I had gained to that point, but my progress was exceedingly minimal, exceedingly slow. I was so afraid of giving up my addiction. It was the only way I knew to shut up the voices that told me life was awful, I was awful, life has too much and I'm not adequate to carry all that I must carry. I also somewhere knew that my sins perpetuated those voices, but I also knew that, at least for a moment, it shut up those voices. And I simply didn't know another way of reprieve! I read the scriptures and I attended my church meetings, and I heard that Jesus was the living water, which if I drank, I would never thirst. But I couldn't see how that applied to me. Now I can see, so clearly, that drinking of Jesus' living waters shuts up those voices of inadequacy and takes away the thirsts for all things carnal.
I remember loving that feeling I felt in the bishop's office when I would confess my latest round of slips. He was always so kind, and the Spirit was always so strong, and I would go home and get on my knees and let the love of God wash over me. I was honestly afraid that I would lose that incredible feeling of love if I gave up my sins. One day- and I remember the moment- I decided I needed to take a leap of faith here. Sure, I didn't know that I would still feel God's sweet love if I managed to create a life of sobriety, because I'd never made it very far in that direction. But, I had to believe that God blesses the faithful. I had to believe that He would not abandon me. And I realized then that He had never abandoned me, and why would he in my quest for improvement? So I decided to take a leap of faith. I decided that even if I didn't feel that sweet love right away, I would keep going. And I did. And I did actually experience a period of numbness, of not feeling God's presence, but it came. And now.... Oh, my friends, now I feel that the Spirit is my constant companion. As I type those words, I weep. I am so grateful! I cherish this sweet gift that was bestowed onto me on March 5, 1989, one day after my baptism, when I was 8 years old. I now see that it is a reality for me, and not just for the extra-righteous. It's for me. It's for me as long as I am choosing well and truly, honestly striving to do what I know I should.
I feel like right now, everything is working for me. It is wonderful. I acknowledge that this will not always be the case. I know that in life, everyone experiences periods of extreme trial. I have had those periods, and since I'm only 32, I know those periods are not over for good. I hope that God gives me a little more time to strengthen my footing, to get on more solid ground, before He allows another significant trial. But, I also know that He knows me better than I do, and that whatever He allows, I'll be ready for. And if I'm not, He'll ready me. I don't have to be afraid of vigilance anymore; God is my strength. I no longer need to fear the little annoyances of life (like too much laundry, misbehaving children, people not liking me) because God is my guide. I no longer need fear relapse because Jesus is my Savior!! I no longer need fear imperfection because it is only through Jesus that I am made perfect. I no longer need fear anything, because God is my Father, Jesus is my Brother, and the Holy Ghost is my constant companion.
I won't go back to sleep. I hope I don't go back to sleep. God will help me stay wakeful and watchful as long as I do my part. And my part is what I intend to do!
I'm going forward and I like it here. I don't want to lose everything I have staked... and I don't have to.
I don't think I've yet crossed that threshold of "Life's point of no return." I'm not saying I will return to past behaviors. But my footing isn't quite that solid, yet. A few months ago, I remember comparing myself to an infant in recovery; I was just lifting my head on my own. I needed support all around me. I knew nothing. Now, I feel like I have just learned to walk. My stepping is unsteady. I feel like I have a pretty good idea of how to manage this walking thing, but I still need a lot of support. I need people around me who love me and who are ready to catch me. I need my loving Father ever so near to encourage my every step, and tell me "good job!" when I make it another few yards without falling. I'm most certainly not ready to learn to run or ride a bike, but I have already mastered crawling and I have no reason to use that method of travel anymore. I can walk, now! I can walk.
And, so, in a way, I have reached one point of no return. I'm not going to crawl. I'm not going to be that infant who is just learning to lift its head. I'm nearly certain I won't go back that far, into a bottomless pit of despair and sin and darkness. I only look back to remember where I've been and how far I've come; I never look back in longing.
I have mentioned it before, but my favorite quote ever in relation to my recovery is from a poem by that ancient Middle Eastern poet, Rumi. "The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you./ Don't go back to sleep."
As I progress, I learn secrets. I learn God's love. I learn truths. Going back to sleep, or relapsing, would end my progress in learning these beautiful things. Going back to sleep may revert me to my state of spiritual infancy. I love the promise of secrets in the morning! I have this on regular paper in my bedroom, so I can always remember to listen for Dawn's secrets, and to be encouraged when life gets hard. Don't go back to sleep! One day, I'll get this line on a nice plaque or on a beautiful page, framed. I love it so much.
As I look back (again, not with longing), I can see how addiction severely slowed my spiritual progress. Oh, I still learned things. I still felt the Spirit, because God is so merciful; because God wanted me out of that wretched night. I miraculously retained the testimony I had gained to that point, but my progress was exceedingly minimal, exceedingly slow. I was so afraid of giving up my addiction. It was the only way I knew to shut up the voices that told me life was awful, I was awful, life has too much and I'm not adequate to carry all that I must carry. I also somewhere knew that my sins perpetuated those voices, but I also knew that, at least for a moment, it shut up those voices. And I simply didn't know another way of reprieve! I read the scriptures and I attended my church meetings, and I heard that Jesus was the living water, which if I drank, I would never thirst. But I couldn't see how that applied to me. Now I can see, so clearly, that drinking of Jesus' living waters shuts up those voices of inadequacy and takes away the thirsts for all things carnal.
I remember loving that feeling I felt in the bishop's office when I would confess my latest round of slips. He was always so kind, and the Spirit was always so strong, and I would go home and get on my knees and let the love of God wash over me. I was honestly afraid that I would lose that incredible feeling of love if I gave up my sins. One day- and I remember the moment- I decided I needed to take a leap of faith here. Sure, I didn't know that I would still feel God's sweet love if I managed to create a life of sobriety, because I'd never made it very far in that direction. But, I had to believe that God blesses the faithful. I had to believe that He would not abandon me. And I realized then that He had never abandoned me, and why would he in my quest for improvement? So I decided to take a leap of faith. I decided that even if I didn't feel that sweet love right away, I would keep going. And I did. And I did actually experience a period of numbness, of not feeling God's presence, but it came. And now.... Oh, my friends, now I feel that the Spirit is my constant companion. As I type those words, I weep. I am so grateful! I cherish this sweet gift that was bestowed onto me on March 5, 1989, one day after my baptism, when I was 8 years old. I now see that it is a reality for me, and not just for the extra-righteous. It's for me. It's for me as long as I am choosing well and truly, honestly striving to do what I know I should.
I feel like right now, everything is working for me. It is wonderful. I acknowledge that this will not always be the case. I know that in life, everyone experiences periods of extreme trial. I have had those periods, and since I'm only 32, I know those periods are not over for good. I hope that God gives me a little more time to strengthen my footing, to get on more solid ground, before He allows another significant trial. But, I also know that He knows me better than I do, and that whatever He allows, I'll be ready for. And if I'm not, He'll ready me. I don't have to be afraid of vigilance anymore; God is my strength. I no longer need to fear the little annoyances of life (like too much laundry, misbehaving children, people not liking me) because God is my guide. I no longer need fear relapse because Jesus is my Savior!! I no longer need fear imperfection because it is only through Jesus that I am made perfect. I no longer need fear anything, because God is my Father, Jesus is my Brother, and the Holy Ghost is my constant companion.
I won't go back to sleep. I hope I don't go back to sleep. God will help me stay wakeful and watchful as long as I do my part. And my part is what I intend to do!
I'm going forward and I like it here. I don't want to lose everything I have staked... and I don't have to.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Fear of Happiness
It's ridiculous. It's odd. It's probably quite common in situations like mine. But I have this fear of continued happiness. Maybe "fear" is the wrong word. Maybe it's anxiety. Maybe it's trepidation. Maybe it's doubt. But, really, those are all synonyms of fear, are they not?
Anyway, I have been happy for quite a long time. There's something nagging me in the corners of my mind, telling me I don't deserve this. Then I have this subconscious panic attack, something like, "I don't? I don't deserve this, do I? Oh, crap, now I have to make the happiness go away." There's always something there telling me that happiness can't last, that soon, I will have a crash of sorrow and pain, and I should prepare for that by expecting it, and making room for it now. I haven't experienced any significant trial other than recovery over the past several months, and I feel like it's coming. Something horrible is coming. Someone I love is going to die. I'm going to lose all my money. My house is going to burn down. My car is going to break down for good. And then, I won't be able to be happy anymore. So I may as well be miserable now, since misery is inevitable!
What??!
I wish I could make that nagging bite go away. I don't actually believe I can't be happy. I believe that I can find happiness and peace in any situation. In fact, the next time I encounter a difficult trial, I'm going to try very hard to be patient and happy through it, till its end. I used to think a trial wouldn't pass till I was sufficiently miserable, that I couldn't say I'd learned enough unless I had given in to hopelessness and despair. What kind of faulty thinking is that? Where did I get that? It's so silly. Trials will end even if I'm happy through them. So next time, I'm going to be happy through it. And maybe that's what "enduring to the end" really means.
We're commanded to be of good cheer. Whenever God gives a commandment, He provides a way to accomplish it. So, He will always have a way for me to be of good cheer, even in the midst of horrible trials.
I am working on shutting down that ever-nagging belief that my happiness is going to end soon because I don't deserve it and/or because it's a myth and/or because soon I will have a trial that will destroy my happiness and peace. Go.Away! I am choosing happiness! I am choosing happiness by making up my mind to be happy, and by making the choices that will produce happiness. In fact, I am happy. I am a happy person, and that's the way I like it, and that's the way I'm keeping it, thank you very much.
:D
Anyway, I have been happy for quite a long time. There's something nagging me in the corners of my mind, telling me I don't deserve this. Then I have this subconscious panic attack, something like, "I don't? I don't deserve this, do I? Oh, crap, now I have to make the happiness go away." There's always something there telling me that happiness can't last, that soon, I will have a crash of sorrow and pain, and I should prepare for that by expecting it, and making room for it now. I haven't experienced any significant trial other than recovery over the past several months, and I feel like it's coming. Something horrible is coming. Someone I love is going to die. I'm going to lose all my money. My house is going to burn down. My car is going to break down for good. And then, I won't be able to be happy anymore. So I may as well be miserable now, since misery is inevitable!
What??!
I wish I could make that nagging bite go away. I don't actually believe I can't be happy. I believe that I can find happiness and peace in any situation. In fact, the next time I encounter a difficult trial, I'm going to try very hard to be patient and happy through it, till its end. I used to think a trial wouldn't pass till I was sufficiently miserable, that I couldn't say I'd learned enough unless I had given in to hopelessness and despair. What kind of faulty thinking is that? Where did I get that? It's so silly. Trials will end even if I'm happy through them. So next time, I'm going to be happy through it. And maybe that's what "enduring to the end" really means.
We're commanded to be of good cheer. Whenever God gives a commandment, He provides a way to accomplish it. So, He will always have a way for me to be of good cheer, even in the midst of horrible trials.
I am working on shutting down that ever-nagging belief that my happiness is going to end soon because I don't deserve it and/or because it's a myth and/or because soon I will have a trial that will destroy my happiness and peace. Go.Away! I am choosing happiness! I am choosing happiness by making up my mind to be happy, and by making the choices that will produce happiness. In fact, I am happy. I am a happy person, and that's the way I like it, and that's the way I'm keeping it, thank you very much.
:D
Monday, May 20, 2013
And so it Begins
My bishop warned me yesterday that Satan would be trying extra hard now that he knows I'm focusing on making it to the temple in two weeks. For some reason, I guess I didn't think it'd start today. And it didn't for a while. I had a great day at work. Nothing was gonna bring me down. I was still on a high from my meeting yesterday with my bishop. I came home, and my dad came over to give me a blessing, at my request. A blessing of special strength these coming weeks. He happened to bless me with the ability to be a good mother. He said a few things about my motherhood.
Both of my kids then asked him for a blessing, as well. It was wonderful.
Then we had a short FHE on gratitude. Then it was bedtime.
What could go wrong? HOW DID IT ALL GO WRONG?!?! The kids went to bed and almost immediately started to fight. It was so irritating. They were getting super mad at each other over stupid things. They were ignoring my instructions. So I yelled at them. I yelled bad. Then they kept ignoring me so I yelled some more. Everyone was screaming at each other and blaming everyone else.
I knew I was going to just keep yelling and being a horrible parent, so I escaped outside and walked around the driveway. I cooled down and finally put enough pride out of my heart to pray. Please forgive me for yelling at my kids. I'm the mom, here. I'm so sorry! All I want to do is yell because they're making me so mad. Please help me not to yell when I go back in my house. I can't go back in there if I'm just going to yell. I can't see clearly what to do. Help me to know what to do.
I walked inside and was surprised by the silence. Nothing. No crying, no screaming, no whining from my kids. But, then, my daughter shrieked "STOP!" at the top of her lungs. Oh. It was still happening.
I took a deep breath and walked down the hall to my daughter's room. I talked to her calmly and held her and sang to her. She finally calmed down and apologized to both me and her brother, unprompted. Well, unprompted by me, anyway. We all calmed down and I hope they're close to sleep now, but I'm still upset. I'm upset about the whole thing. Why is bedtime a fight almost every single night? This is getting so old. Why wasn't I able to control my temper like I usually can? Why was there so much anger in this house when just moments earlier, we were enjoying the Spirit during the Priesthood blessings and Family Home Evening? What happened?
I kinda want to wallow in this discontent. I want to stay mad. I am annoyed with my own cheery attitude from earlier today. I want to focus on everything I'm doing wrong, on everything I'm not, on everything I failed to do today. Mmmmm, so tempting....
But you know what? I know better! I can and will rise above this! Tomorrow is a new day, and I will partake of its precious gifts. I'll prepare for the sweetness that tomorrow has to offer by opening my heart up tonight. No more grumps. No more frowns. No more anger.
Ready, go. Still frowning, dang it. Guess I better sing something. Oh! How about this one:
I love that song! I used to relate it to my recovery. Well, I guess it still applies, but not as much. I am glad I listened to it just now, actually, because I then felt to rejoice that I no longer feel like the description in the first part of the song. Yeah, I guess I'm having a bad night, but holy cow, it's not that bad! In fact, this is nothing! This nothing compared to what it used to be like, sitting in my filth after an episode of indulgence, feeling heavy-laden with dirt even after a shower. I remember the sorrow, the pain, the hopelessness. I remember the fear-- oh, how thick was the fear! I remember the weight of the chains of active addiction. No. I am not there. This is not a bad night. I made some mistakes, but I'm still standing! I am fine!
Okay. That was a good idea. I feel better now.
As you were!
Both of my kids then asked him for a blessing, as well. It was wonderful.
Then we had a short FHE on gratitude. Then it was bedtime.
What could go wrong? HOW DID IT ALL GO WRONG?!?! The kids went to bed and almost immediately started to fight. It was so irritating. They were getting super mad at each other over stupid things. They were ignoring my instructions. So I yelled at them. I yelled bad. Then they kept ignoring me so I yelled some more. Everyone was screaming at each other and blaming everyone else.
I knew I was going to just keep yelling and being a horrible parent, so I escaped outside and walked around the driveway. I cooled down and finally put enough pride out of my heart to pray. Please forgive me for yelling at my kids. I'm the mom, here. I'm so sorry! All I want to do is yell because they're making me so mad. Please help me not to yell when I go back in my house. I can't go back in there if I'm just going to yell. I can't see clearly what to do. Help me to know what to do.
I walked inside and was surprised by the silence. Nothing. No crying, no screaming, no whining from my kids. But, then, my daughter shrieked "STOP!" at the top of her lungs. Oh. It was still happening.
I took a deep breath and walked down the hall to my daughter's room. I talked to her calmly and held her and sang to her. She finally calmed down and apologized to both me and her brother, unprompted. Well, unprompted by me, anyway. We all calmed down and I hope they're close to sleep now, but I'm still upset. I'm upset about the whole thing. Why is bedtime a fight almost every single night? This is getting so old. Why wasn't I able to control my temper like I usually can? Why was there so much anger in this house when just moments earlier, we were enjoying the Spirit during the Priesthood blessings and Family Home Evening? What happened?
I kinda want to wallow in this discontent. I want to stay mad. I am annoyed with my own cheery attitude from earlier today. I want to focus on everything I'm doing wrong, on everything I'm not, on everything I failed to do today. Mmmmm, so tempting....
But you know what? I know better! I can and will rise above this! Tomorrow is a new day, and I will partake of its precious gifts. I'll prepare for the sweetness that tomorrow has to offer by opening my heart up tonight. No more grumps. No more frowns. No more anger.
Ready, go. Still frowning, dang it. Guess I better sing something. Oh! How about this one:
I love that song! I used to relate it to my recovery. Well, I guess it still applies, but not as much. I am glad I listened to it just now, actually, because I then felt to rejoice that I no longer feel like the description in the first part of the song. Yeah, I guess I'm having a bad night, but holy cow, it's not that bad! In fact, this is nothing! This nothing compared to what it used to be like, sitting in my filth after an episode of indulgence, feeling heavy-laden with dirt even after a shower. I remember the sorrow, the pain, the hopelessness. I remember the fear-- oh, how thick was the fear! I remember the weight of the chains of active addiction. No. I am not there. This is not a bad night. I made some mistakes, but I'm still standing! I am fine!
Okay. That was a good idea. I feel better now.
As you were!
Sunday, May 19, 2013
BEST DAY EVER
A song, for your enjoyment:
Today, while at my biweekly appointment with my bishop, we talked about the temple. Know what he said?
TWO WEEKS! Two weeks from today, I get to have a temple recommend interview!
That means the next two weeks may be challenging. That means that Satan will likely pull out all the stops. If you're so inclined, I ask for your prayers.
But, as I have learned these past months, Satan is powerful, but only insofar as I give him power. Satan is tricky and clever and merciless. But God (who is my Father, by the way), is wise and merciful. And as long as I am walking with Him, I will be safe! I have nothing to fear but losing faith. And... I don't see that happening. I will continue to do all the things I need to do. I will continue to pray and hope and believe. And in two weeks, I will have a recommend signed by my bishop. I hope. I hope.
God is good. The temple will give me strength. I'll go every week, I think, when I have a recommend. Thursdays, in the morning. Yeah.
Today, while at my biweekly appointment with my bishop, we talked about the temple. Know what he said?
TWO WEEKS! Two weeks from today, I get to have a temple recommend interview!
That means the next two weeks may be challenging. That means that Satan will likely pull out all the stops. If you're so inclined, I ask for your prayers.
But, as I have learned these past months, Satan is powerful, but only insofar as I give him power. Satan is tricky and clever and merciless. But God (who is my Father, by the way), is wise and merciful. And as long as I am walking with Him, I will be safe! I have nothing to fear but losing faith. And... I don't see that happening. I will continue to do all the things I need to do. I will continue to pray and hope and believe. And in two weeks, I will have a recommend signed by my bishop. I hope. I hope.
God is good. The temple will give me strength. I'll go every week, I think, when I have a recommend. Thursdays, in the morning. Yeah.
The Addict Still Lives
I picture my addict locked in the basement of my soul. I am starving her. I have been doing pretty good at keeping food away from her, and ignoring her persistent screams. She is getting quieter, but she is a monster, and has a lot of life left in her. She screams at me still, and she changes what she screams about when one thing doesn't work.
She screams at me daily about sex, porn, and masturbation, but, that hasn't been working well lately. So she changed it up. She screamed about Pepsi. I quit Pepsi six weeks ago. One week ago, however, the screams of my addict won out. I didn't recognize it as an Addict victory. I have always separated my Pepsi addiction from my sex addictions. And last weekend, when I had that first delicious cola after five weeks of abstinence, I felt no guilt.
It was delicious. It kick-started my energy. Nothing bad happened. The more I thought about it, the more I could justify it. I don't gain weight when I'm drinking Pepsi. I don't lose weight when I'm not drinking Pepsi. It doesn't seem to affect my sleep one way or the other. It doesn't make me sick. Nothing bad happens when I drink Pepsi. When I give into my sexual addictions, I feel miserable and dark and sick. Those things do not happen when I drink Pepsi. So, obviously, they are very separate problems, and obviously, Pepsi isn't that big of a deal.
So I've had some Pepsi every day this week. And at first, it was awesome. But by the end of the week, I noticed how dang grumpy I had been all week. I was short with my kids and selfish with every moment of my time. I operated on a super short fuse and I was extra irritable. Additionally, and of monumental importance, I noticed a loss of the Spirit. Not a drastic and total loss, like what I experience when I engage in porn, but a smaller disconnect.
I can't afford to lose the Spirit in any small way.
As it happens, Pepsi weakens me spiritually. I don't know if it's because I'm addicted to it. I don't know if it's because I have felt prompted to avoid it but keep drinking it anyway. I don't know why, but it doesn't matter why. Since Pepsi weakens my relationship with the Spirit, then it also weakens my ability to withstand sexual temptations. Nicely played, screaming addict.
Screaming, trapped addict: 1
Stephanie: 0
Next week, the scores will be different. :)
My addict has also been screaming about men. I couldn't even tell what she was carrying on about until I ran into a former boyfriend at a Singles' Fireside. Since we only dated a very short time, and since he's a good guy, we had no reason to be bitter enemies. Even so, when I saw him the other week, it was the first time I'd seen him since last summer. He sat right next me on the bench. I have no desire to date him again- we just wouldn't work. But, as the night progressed, I could only think about kissing him again. The addict kept screaming louder and louder at me: Kiss him tonight! Kiss him tonight! I doubt that he would have kissed me anyway, but my addict didn't care about that. That wasn't the point of her screaming. She wanted a fix. She wants to be free of the chains that bind her now instead of me. She wanted food. And with me just trying to kiss him, even if he rejected it, would be enough for her.
Finally I made a decision sitting there next to him. No. No, I would not be kissing him.
And just like that, the addict in me was forced to quiet. She still made muffled sounds and then I thought again, No. I don't need to kiss him. I don't even want to kiss him. I won't kiss him.
The addict was silent.
Screaming, trapped addict: 1
Stephanie: 1
That's better. :)
After the fireside, I noticed something. I used to just want to kiss a guy. I used to go find guys to kiss. It would seem like whenever I was sober awhile as far as porn and masturbation, I would look for a guy just to kiss. I thought it was totally innocent-- or, I told myself I thought I was innocent, rather. I could almost always find someone willing to make out with me. At the time, I did not ever even consider that it was a part of my addiction. Now, I know better. Anyway, before, I couldn't fathom the idea of waiting till I was in love with someone to kiss him, because what if that never happened? I couldn't go the rest of my life without making out!! And so I would find men to use. Now.... I'm okay with not having someone to kiss. Now, the idea of kissing someone for the sake of kissing him is disgusting, irresponsible, dangerous, and cruel. If I die before I kiss another man, so be it. I don't need regular make out sessions to survive. In fact, I'm doing much better without them.
And, that is enormous progress! What? You mean I can survive without porn/masturbation/kissing men? When I think of possibly never having someone to kiss again, I'm no longer filled with anxiety. Instead, I'm filled with trust in a loving God.
Besides, when it comes down to it, it's not the kiss I crave- it's love. It's meaning something to someone. It's being, for a moment, the only person in the world for someone. I want to matter to a man who loves me, and that is a righteous desire. Kissing strangers in dark parking lots is not going to answer that righteous desire, which is why my sexual addictions will only and always serve to increase the voids I seek to fill, rather than healthily fill them. And that's why my addictions progress; I have to fill the hole that was made bigger by the last indulgence.
I love being truly in recovery. This path, though difficult, is absolutely glorious. The farther I get away from the dark, the more I see my future of righteousness and joy.
Perhaps the addict in the basement will never fully die. Perhaps she will always be there, waiting for me to knock on the basement door, to call down to her, to throw her some food. Perhaps she will always be a part of me. But if I can just get her to shut up long enough for me to live my wonderful life, I'm fine with that.
She screams at me daily about sex, porn, and masturbation, but, that hasn't been working well lately. So she changed it up. She screamed about Pepsi. I quit Pepsi six weeks ago. One week ago, however, the screams of my addict won out. I didn't recognize it as an Addict victory. I have always separated my Pepsi addiction from my sex addictions. And last weekend, when I had that first delicious cola after five weeks of abstinence, I felt no guilt.
It was delicious. It kick-started my energy. Nothing bad happened. The more I thought about it, the more I could justify it. I don't gain weight when I'm drinking Pepsi. I don't lose weight when I'm not drinking Pepsi. It doesn't seem to affect my sleep one way or the other. It doesn't make me sick. Nothing bad happens when I drink Pepsi. When I give into my sexual addictions, I feel miserable and dark and sick. Those things do not happen when I drink Pepsi. So, obviously, they are very separate problems, and obviously, Pepsi isn't that big of a deal.
So I've had some Pepsi every day this week. And at first, it was awesome. But by the end of the week, I noticed how dang grumpy I had been all week. I was short with my kids and selfish with every moment of my time. I operated on a super short fuse and I was extra irritable. Additionally, and of monumental importance, I noticed a loss of the Spirit. Not a drastic and total loss, like what I experience when I engage in porn, but a smaller disconnect.
I can't afford to lose the Spirit in any small way.
As it happens, Pepsi weakens me spiritually. I don't know if it's because I'm addicted to it. I don't know if it's because I have felt prompted to avoid it but keep drinking it anyway. I don't know why, but it doesn't matter why. Since Pepsi weakens my relationship with the Spirit, then it also weakens my ability to withstand sexual temptations. Nicely played, screaming addict.
Screaming, trapped addict: 1
Stephanie: 0
Next week, the scores will be different. :)
My addict has also been screaming about men. I couldn't even tell what she was carrying on about until I ran into a former boyfriend at a Singles' Fireside. Since we only dated a very short time, and since he's a good guy, we had no reason to be bitter enemies. Even so, when I saw him the other week, it was the first time I'd seen him since last summer. He sat right next me on the bench. I have no desire to date him again- we just wouldn't work. But, as the night progressed, I could only think about kissing him again. The addict kept screaming louder and louder at me: Kiss him tonight! Kiss him tonight! I doubt that he would have kissed me anyway, but my addict didn't care about that. That wasn't the point of her screaming. She wanted a fix. She wants to be free of the chains that bind her now instead of me. She wanted food. And with me just trying to kiss him, even if he rejected it, would be enough for her.
Finally I made a decision sitting there next to him. No. No, I would not be kissing him.
And just like that, the addict in me was forced to quiet. She still made muffled sounds and then I thought again, No. I don't need to kiss him. I don't even want to kiss him. I won't kiss him.
The addict was silent.
Screaming, trapped addict: 1
Stephanie: 1
That's better. :)
After the fireside, I noticed something. I used to just want to kiss a guy. I used to go find guys to kiss. It would seem like whenever I was sober awhile as far as porn and masturbation, I would look for a guy just to kiss. I thought it was totally innocent-- or, I told myself I thought I was innocent, rather. I could almost always find someone willing to make out with me. At the time, I did not ever even consider that it was a part of my addiction. Now, I know better. Anyway, before, I couldn't fathom the idea of waiting till I was in love with someone to kiss him, because what if that never happened? I couldn't go the rest of my life without making out!! And so I would find men to use. Now.... I'm okay with not having someone to kiss. Now, the idea of kissing someone for the sake of kissing him is disgusting, irresponsible, dangerous, and cruel. If I die before I kiss another man, so be it. I don't need regular make out sessions to survive. In fact, I'm doing much better without them.
And, that is enormous progress! What? You mean I can survive without porn/masturbation/kissing men? When I think of possibly never having someone to kiss again, I'm no longer filled with anxiety. Instead, I'm filled with trust in a loving God.
Besides, when it comes down to it, it's not the kiss I crave- it's love. It's meaning something to someone. It's being, for a moment, the only person in the world for someone. I want to matter to a man who loves me, and that is a righteous desire. Kissing strangers in dark parking lots is not going to answer that righteous desire, which is why my sexual addictions will only and always serve to increase the voids I seek to fill, rather than healthily fill them. And that's why my addictions progress; I have to fill the hole that was made bigger by the last indulgence.
I love being truly in recovery. This path, though difficult, is absolutely glorious. The farther I get away from the dark, the more I see my future of righteousness and joy.
Perhaps the addict in the basement will never fully die. Perhaps she will always be there, waiting for me to knock on the basement door, to call down to her, to throw her some food. Perhaps she will always be a part of me. But if I can just get her to shut up long enough for me to live my wonderful life, I'm fine with that.
Friday, May 17, 2013
The worth of YOUR soul
Some people say "I have a low self worth." That is absolutely a lie. Nobody has a low self worth. It's impossible for one's worth to be low. One may have a false perception of his or her worth, but it's important to note that that perception is, indeed, false.
I'm going to be a little unconventional here, and speak in the "you" instead of the polite, PC, humbler "we." I realize I may come off as condescending, but I assure you, that is not my intent. My intent here is to tell you something that I have learned to be true, true for all souls. I have learned these truths by revelation, scripture, and words of the prophets. And so, it is with confidence that I use "you."
Many of you have already learned this truth. Many of you understand it even more than I do. I need to learn from you, and I appreciate your examples.
Moving on, your worth is unalterable. I have made mention of this before, I know, but think about it. You don't get to decide your worth. You can't change it. You can't increase or decrease your worth. Your worth doesn't belong to you. You didn't make it. Your worth has been assigned before you were born by a loving Creator. You can't change something intangible that He has made. Why do we try sometimes, to change the things we cannot change, particularly our worth?
Think of someone you love very much. This works best if you happen to be a parent, and can think of your child. If you're not, think of maybe a mother, grandparent, niece/nephew, etc. Someone you have a great deal of love, respect and admiration for. What if someone told you something like "that person is a bad person." Would you believe it? Would the value you've assigned to that person change? Would that person become less in your eyes? I dare say, no. Especially if it was your child. If someone told me something mean about my kid, my opinion would change about the person who said it, not about my child. In somewhat the same way, nothing anyone says about you can alter your worth. Nothing anyone feels about you can alter your worth. I happen to know some kids who don't like my son. His worth remains unaltered, even so. If people don't like you, guess what? Your worth remains unaltered. No one else gets to decide your worth. You don't even get to decide your worth!
I used to believe that the Atonement was good for everyone except me. I have heard other addicts mention that this same lie used to reside in their minds as well. How prideful is this idea? How is it possible that His sacrifice for all mankind would be for everyone but me? How did I justify removing myself from "all mankind?" Who do I think I am? I am not special. His sacrifice was for me. His Sacrifice can heal me. His Sacrifice included me-- and you-- in a very specific way. I no longer dare mock His love by believing He somehow skipped right over me.
If I bought a beautiful home for my family, and had given both my children every reason to believe they belong there with me, but my daughter decided she wasn't worthy and that I certainly hadn't bought it for her, too, I would be insulted. It would break my heart that she would think that little of me. If she said "No, that's not for me," I may respond, "It IS for you! I have a bedroom prepared just for you! This is for you!" It would break my heart that she would believe that I didn't want her in my home. And maybe we do the same thing to our Savior, when He offers us a gift, directly, and we reject it, saying "that's not for me." Maybe He's telling us, "It IS for you! I did this for you!"
Maybe He gets a little frustrated, maybe a little insulted when we reject His gift by saying silly things like we're not worthy, it can't be for us, etc.
No one can alter your worth and you can't alter your worth, and your worth is immeasurable. You have an infinite worth. You may have a low self esteem, and I'm sorry if you do. I do too, sometimes, but I'm getting so much better, because I'm getting so much closer to my God. Even though I may esteem myself unworthy, my worth yet remains unaltered. My self worth cannot change, even when I am in the depths of sin and despair. Even when I do unthinkable things. Even when I hate myself-- my worth is incredible, inexplicable, unchangeable, and infinite. Even when you hate yourself, your worth is infinitely, inexplicably, immeasurably valuable. You are infinitely, inexplicably, immeasurably valuable.
Someone once asked me "how do you frame yourself?" We are all like extremely valuable masterpieces. If you took Da Vinci's original Mona Lisa and framed it in a crappy, ugly frame, and hid it in the dark, would the value of the painting change? Conversely, if you framed one of my horrible stick figures in a beautiful, lavish, expensive frame, would my stick figure suddenly become worth millions? No. The frame doesn't dictate the value. But.... would you frame Mona Lisa in a crappy frame, and hide it in the dark? Are you kidding me? That is a masterpiece that deserves to be free, and seen, and loved.
How do you frame you? You have infinitely more worth that the Mona Lisa, but do you sometimes frame yourself in a crappy frame? I do. I do that still. I need to take better care of myself, of this masterpiece that God made. Me. I'm working on building myself a beautiful frame. I'm working on getting myself out of the dark corner. I know that I have worth beyond my ability to comprehend, and I know that there nothing I can do to change that. So I've stopped trying to change it. I used to love when I messed up because I could say to myself, "See? Told ya. You're worthless." Sinning was my way of validating my false belief that I was worthless. I like to be right.... a lot. It's a fault. And so, every time I made a mistake of any kind, it would somehow validate me, somehow it made me right. But I was so wrong! When I finally saw that my mistakes do not make me right, I was able to see a little more clearly and think to myself, "I can stop behaving like I'm worthless now, because I never can be worthless."
Since that realization, I am much more patient with me. And now I like me. My perception of my self worth is a little closer to the truth.
D&C 18:10 (slightly altered, but w/o alteration of the truth):
The worth of YOUR soul is great in the sight of God.
Moses 1:39 (slightly altered, but w/o alteration of the truth):
For behold, this is my work and my glory, to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of Stephanie.
(insert your own name, and the truth of the verse remains the same!)
I'm going to be a little unconventional here, and speak in the "you" instead of the polite, PC, humbler "we." I realize I may come off as condescending, but I assure you, that is not my intent. My intent here is to tell you something that I have learned to be true, true for all souls. I have learned these truths by revelation, scripture, and words of the prophets. And so, it is with confidence that I use "you."
Many of you have already learned this truth. Many of you understand it even more than I do. I need to learn from you, and I appreciate your examples.
Moving on, your worth is unalterable. I have made mention of this before, I know, but think about it. You don't get to decide your worth. You can't change it. You can't increase or decrease your worth. Your worth doesn't belong to you. You didn't make it. Your worth has been assigned before you were born by a loving Creator. You can't change something intangible that He has made. Why do we try sometimes, to change the things we cannot change, particularly our worth?
Think of someone you love very much. This works best if you happen to be a parent, and can think of your child. If you're not, think of maybe a mother, grandparent, niece/nephew, etc. Someone you have a great deal of love, respect and admiration for. What if someone told you something like "that person is a bad person." Would you believe it? Would the value you've assigned to that person change? Would that person become less in your eyes? I dare say, no. Especially if it was your child. If someone told me something mean about my kid, my opinion would change about the person who said it, not about my child. In somewhat the same way, nothing anyone says about you can alter your worth. Nothing anyone feels about you can alter your worth. I happen to know some kids who don't like my son. His worth remains unaltered, even so. If people don't like you, guess what? Your worth remains unaltered. No one else gets to decide your worth. You don't even get to decide your worth!
I used to believe that the Atonement was good for everyone except me. I have heard other addicts mention that this same lie used to reside in their minds as well. How prideful is this idea? How is it possible that His sacrifice for all mankind would be for everyone but me? How did I justify removing myself from "all mankind?" Who do I think I am? I am not special. His sacrifice was for me. His Sacrifice can heal me. His Sacrifice included me-- and you-- in a very specific way. I no longer dare mock His love by believing He somehow skipped right over me.
If I bought a beautiful home for my family, and had given both my children every reason to believe they belong there with me, but my daughter decided she wasn't worthy and that I certainly hadn't bought it for her, too, I would be insulted. It would break my heart that she would think that little of me. If she said "No, that's not for me," I may respond, "It IS for you! I have a bedroom prepared just for you! This is for you!" It would break my heart that she would believe that I didn't want her in my home. And maybe we do the same thing to our Savior, when He offers us a gift, directly, and we reject it, saying "that's not for me." Maybe He's telling us, "It IS for you! I did this for you!"
Maybe He gets a little frustrated, maybe a little insulted when we reject His gift by saying silly things like we're not worthy, it can't be for us, etc.
No one can alter your worth and you can't alter your worth, and your worth is immeasurable. You have an infinite worth. You may have a low self esteem, and I'm sorry if you do. I do too, sometimes, but I'm getting so much better, because I'm getting so much closer to my God. Even though I may esteem myself unworthy, my worth yet remains unaltered. My self worth cannot change, even when I am in the depths of sin and despair. Even when I do unthinkable things. Even when I hate myself-- my worth is incredible, inexplicable, unchangeable, and infinite. Even when you hate yourself, your worth is infinitely, inexplicably, immeasurably valuable. You are infinitely, inexplicably, immeasurably valuable.
Someone once asked me "how do you frame yourself?" We are all like extremely valuable masterpieces. If you took Da Vinci's original Mona Lisa and framed it in a crappy, ugly frame, and hid it in the dark, would the value of the painting change? Conversely, if you framed one of my horrible stick figures in a beautiful, lavish, expensive frame, would my stick figure suddenly become worth millions? No. The frame doesn't dictate the value. But.... would you frame Mona Lisa in a crappy frame, and hide it in the dark? Are you kidding me? That is a masterpiece that deserves to be free, and seen, and loved.
How do you frame you? You have infinitely more worth that the Mona Lisa, but do you sometimes frame yourself in a crappy frame? I do. I do that still. I need to take better care of myself, of this masterpiece that God made. Me. I'm working on building myself a beautiful frame. I'm working on getting myself out of the dark corner. I know that I have worth beyond my ability to comprehend, and I know that there nothing I can do to change that. So I've stopped trying to change it. I used to love when I messed up because I could say to myself, "See? Told ya. You're worthless." Sinning was my way of validating my false belief that I was worthless. I like to be right.... a lot. It's a fault. And so, every time I made a mistake of any kind, it would somehow validate me, somehow it made me right. But I was so wrong! When I finally saw that my mistakes do not make me right, I was able to see a little more clearly and think to myself, "I can stop behaving like I'm worthless now, because I never can be worthless."
Since that realization, I am much more patient with me. And now I like me. My perception of my self worth is a little closer to the truth.
D&C 18:10 (slightly altered, but w/o alteration of the truth):
The worth of YOUR soul is great in the sight of God.
Moses 1:39 (slightly altered, but w/o alteration of the truth):
For behold, this is my work and my glory, to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of Stephanie.
(insert your own name, and the truth of the verse remains the same!)
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Whoooaa! We're half way there! Whoooaa! Livin on a Prayer!
I'm halfway to the temple. Maybe even closer.
This here post is going to be all over the place. It has been so long since I blogged and I have so many thoughts in my head. And they all gotta come out tonight.
Six weeks! (And three days.) At approximately 12 weeks, I can go to the temple, according to my bishop. Ima make it. I hope I'll make it this time. I think I will. I believe I will. I believe my Father in Heaven will continue to carry me through this recovery process. I'm half way there, and I'm livin' on a prayer! (Um, that's the only part of the song I know, so I have no idea if the rest of the song has absolutely nothing to do with this kind of thing or not-- it probably doesn't. :) )
I'm excited! I'm so excited!
Previously, I subconsciously believed attending the temple would be an end-all experience. Like, I made it! I can stop trying now. I got me my temple recommend, and I am golden.
I chuckle a bit because in the past several years of recovery attempts, I have, many times, realized some wonderful truth and then thought, barely subconsciously- ah HA! This is what I needed to learn! I'm sure to be cured now. And I would slacken my efforts a bit, thinking that I'd made it. Naturally, I would slip soon after. And the next truth would come along. Ah HA! I've finally figured it out this time! I've got to be cured now. And then I would slip again.
Finally it hit me that I must never stop learning. Finally it hit me that each new truth, each revelation, each realization is a precept and a gift, and that it mustn't, can't end there. Line upon line, Stephanie. Little by little, that's how we're fed Truth.
So.... the temple is not an end-all. It's not my final destination. It will not ensure continued recovery. I'm surprised that I let this belief go unchecked for this long. I'm glad I figured it out. After I make it to the temple, Satan's tricks will increase! But I'll be more protected and more prepared to handle them-- but I have to handle them! They will not disappear. Satan will not disappear.
------
I missed last week's Tender Mercy post. Tender Mercies are all over the place. I'm practically swimming in them. I am so blessed! I keep getting more and more piano students! I am learning so much in this recovery process. I am finding strength to love and forgive myself! I am happy! The Holy Ghost reminds me that I get to be happy. What a tender mercy! Heavenly Father is even helping me write a song. I need to write a song for my students because I'm not going back to teach music next year. This is an enormous leap of faith that I may write about later. Anyway, I have asked Him to help me with this song, and He is! Do you see how He cares about the little things?
I am so very, very thankful for a supportive family. I went to the general ARP meeting on Friday, and I was the only one there! Just me and the missionary! He was telling me some things about his past and his family, and I tell you what, I am so grateful that my family is supportive. They don't seem to judge me for the most part. They are strong in the Gospel. They are great examples for me. I'm so glad.
My children are a constant, daily tender mercy. I think they have such strong spirits. I think they have it in them to withstand all the evil of the world they're growing up in. I need to give them the tools to fight the World with, and I try every day. They are so good that they pick up my slack. I pray they will always be this faithful.
-------
Step Four. I have been putting off Step 4. I'm doing it again. I need to do it again. I have been so scared because last time I did Step 4, I got super triggered and I slipped. How do you do Step 4 and NOT get triggered? Seriously?! I don't want to ruin this streak- I don't want to postpone my temple return any longer. Would Step 4 be worth it if I slipped again? I don't know.
Today at the PASG meeting, I realized that my fear is pretty pathetic. Has not God taken me up to this point? Has He not answered my prayers? Has He not protected me from the Adversary? Has He not given me strength- so much more than my own- to lift the burdens on my back so that I can scarcely feel them? Has He not been my guide? He has. And He will. And how dare I lack the faith to do Step 4? He will carry me. He will protect me. He will help me. I believe that He can, and I believe that He will.
It's different this time because my heart, in at least a small way, has changed. I have changed. I am, in part, a new person. I have come to know the power of God. I have come to cherish the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. I have come to understand that the Holy Ghost isn't just for Sis. Jones who does everything right. The Holy Ghost was conferred upon me when I was 8 years old, and I was promised the constant companionship of such if I am faithful and obedient. I have felt that Spirit's constant presence and there is nothing like it. I don't want to lose it again.
I am temple bound!! Six more weeks. I can't wait. And now I know that afterward, I get to keep learning, keep working, keep hoping, praying, believing and watching vigilantly. But I also know that I can, and I believe that I will.
This here post is going to be all over the place. It has been so long since I blogged and I have so many thoughts in my head. And they all gotta come out tonight.
Six weeks! (And three days.) At approximately 12 weeks, I can go to the temple, according to my bishop. Ima make it. I hope I'll make it this time. I think I will. I believe I will. I believe my Father in Heaven will continue to carry me through this recovery process. I'm half way there, and I'm livin' on a prayer! (Um, that's the only part of the song I know, so I have no idea if the rest of the song has absolutely nothing to do with this kind of thing or not-- it probably doesn't. :) )
I'm excited! I'm so excited!
Previously, I subconsciously believed attending the temple would be an end-all experience. Like, I made it! I can stop trying now. I got me my temple recommend, and I am golden.
I chuckle a bit because in the past several years of recovery attempts, I have, many times, realized some wonderful truth and then thought, barely subconsciously- ah HA! This is what I needed to learn! I'm sure to be cured now. And I would slacken my efforts a bit, thinking that I'd made it. Naturally, I would slip soon after. And the next truth would come along. Ah HA! I've finally figured it out this time! I've got to be cured now. And then I would slip again.
Finally it hit me that I must never stop learning. Finally it hit me that each new truth, each revelation, each realization is a precept and a gift, and that it mustn't, can't end there. Line upon line, Stephanie. Little by little, that's how we're fed Truth.
So.... the temple is not an end-all. It's not my final destination. It will not ensure continued recovery. I'm surprised that I let this belief go unchecked for this long. I'm glad I figured it out. After I make it to the temple, Satan's tricks will increase! But I'll be more protected and more prepared to handle them-- but I have to handle them! They will not disappear. Satan will not disappear.
------
I missed last week's Tender Mercy post. Tender Mercies are all over the place. I'm practically swimming in them. I am so blessed! I keep getting more and more piano students! I am learning so much in this recovery process. I am finding strength to love and forgive myself! I am happy! The Holy Ghost reminds me that I get to be happy. What a tender mercy! Heavenly Father is even helping me write a song. I need to write a song for my students because I'm not going back to teach music next year. This is an enormous leap of faith that I may write about later. Anyway, I have asked Him to help me with this song, and He is! Do you see how He cares about the little things?
I am so very, very thankful for a supportive family. I went to the general ARP meeting on Friday, and I was the only one there! Just me and the missionary! He was telling me some things about his past and his family, and I tell you what, I am so grateful that my family is supportive. They don't seem to judge me for the most part. They are strong in the Gospel. They are great examples for me. I'm so glad.
My children are a constant, daily tender mercy. I think they have such strong spirits. I think they have it in them to withstand all the evil of the world they're growing up in. I need to give them the tools to fight the World with, and I try every day. They are so good that they pick up my slack. I pray they will always be this faithful.
-------
Step Four. I have been putting off Step 4. I'm doing it again. I need to do it again. I have been so scared because last time I did Step 4, I got super triggered and I slipped. How do you do Step 4 and NOT get triggered? Seriously?! I don't want to ruin this streak- I don't want to postpone my temple return any longer. Would Step 4 be worth it if I slipped again? I don't know.
Today at the PASG meeting, I realized that my fear is pretty pathetic. Has not God taken me up to this point? Has He not answered my prayers? Has He not protected me from the Adversary? Has He not given me strength- so much more than my own- to lift the burdens on my back so that I can scarcely feel them? Has He not been my guide? He has. And He will. And how dare I lack the faith to do Step 4? He will carry me. He will protect me. He will help me. I believe that He can, and I believe that He will.
It's different this time because my heart, in at least a small way, has changed. I have changed. I am, in part, a new person. I have come to know the power of God. I have come to cherish the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. I have come to understand that the Holy Ghost isn't just for Sis. Jones who does everything right. The Holy Ghost was conferred upon me when I was 8 years old, and I was promised the constant companionship of such if I am faithful and obedient. I have felt that Spirit's constant presence and there is nothing like it. I don't want to lose it again.
I am temple bound!! Six more weeks. I can't wait. And now I know that afterward, I get to keep learning, keep working, keep hoping, praying, believing and watching vigilantly. But I also know that I can, and I believe that I will.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Believing He Can vs Believing He Will
In the past few months, God has rebuilt my faith. I am blessed to have always had a faith in God the Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost. I have always believed they exist and they love me. I have held onto this belief through this addiction, and it's what has kept me coming back after every fall. I know that not all are blessed with faith, and I am so grateful for mine.
Over the months, my faith has evolved. It used to be, when I prayed for something, the thoughts that were just below the conscious level were, "I believe He can, but I don't believe He will. He has the power, but I'm not worthy to receive these blessings. I'm just me; no one special. He might bless me with what I seek if it's what is going to be best for my family, and if it's easy for Him, but He probably actually wants me to suffer so I can learn more."
Now, my faith is more like this: "I believe He can, and I believe He will." I believe He will bless me with what I hope to receive! I believe He will bless me with the desires of my heart, unless withholding those blessings will ultimately bless me and my family more. If the answer is no, then I know that something better is coming. My faith is now that He doesn't want me to suffer. He wants me to be of good cheer.
If I had the resources to grant my children their every desire, and I knew that they would be grateful, humble, charitable and productive, then you bet I would do everything they wanted. Think about that. If my daughter asked me for a Pony, and I knew that she would take very good care of that pony, and I knew she would be ever grateful for that pony, and tell everyone not that she got it for herself, but that I got it for her, and I knew that she would make kids' days by offering free pony rides to those who would otherwise have no opportunity to ride a pony, and if I knew getting her a pony wouldn't distract her from her other duties, and if I had the resources to get her a pony--- then I would give her a pony. If, however, she asked for a pony and I knew in my heart that she would not be grateful, would not share, and would take the pony for granted, I would not give her a pony.
I don't know God's criteria for answering prayers. Oh wait, the scriptures tell us: "Ask and ye shall receive." Interesting to note, it doesn't say, "Ask and ye shall receive what you asked for," but it says, "ask and ye shall receive." God knows us better than we know ourselves and He knows our needs. So when I ask Him to take this addiction from me, He doesn't seem to want to do that. But, He still gives. He gives me strength to bear the afflictions of addiction. And do you know what? That is better for me, far better, than to have this addiction totally removed. But, I am much better off asking Him to cure me than I would be not praying about it at all. Now, I also ask Him for strength, and that He gives liberally, according to my faith and obedience. He gives me strength and I still have to work through the temptations and cravings. And every time I have another victory, I learn something. I grow closer to Him. And He gives me yet more strength and love. I am thankful that He has not yet granted my request to have the addiction taken away.
Here's the thing. Since my faith has gone from "Believing that He can" to "Believing that He will," I have seen more miracles in my life. I have seen His hand in my every day duties. I know He will help me because He has helped me; He is helping me. I know He hears my cries because He meets my spoken needs, and then some. You know that scripture that says something like when a man asks you to walk a mile, walk with him two miles? When a man asks you for your coat, give him your cloak also? Our Heavenly Father is the perfect example of doing just that. He gives me more than I ask for, when I ask in faith. If I asked for a pony, maybe He'd give me a pony plus a barn. He is a kind and generous God who gives and gives and gives. Believe that He will, and He will.
Over the months, my faith has evolved. It used to be, when I prayed for something, the thoughts that were just below the conscious level were, "I believe He can, but I don't believe He will. He has the power, but I'm not worthy to receive these blessings. I'm just me; no one special. He might bless me with what I seek if it's what is going to be best for my family, and if it's easy for Him, but He probably actually wants me to suffer so I can learn more."
Now, my faith is more like this: "I believe He can, and I believe He will." I believe He will bless me with what I hope to receive! I believe He will bless me with the desires of my heart, unless withholding those blessings will ultimately bless me and my family more. If the answer is no, then I know that something better is coming. My faith is now that He doesn't want me to suffer. He wants me to be of good cheer.
If I had the resources to grant my children their every desire, and I knew that they would be grateful, humble, charitable and productive, then you bet I would do everything they wanted. Think about that. If my daughter asked me for a Pony, and I knew that she would take very good care of that pony, and I knew she would be ever grateful for that pony, and tell everyone not that she got it for herself, but that I got it for her, and I knew that she would make kids' days by offering free pony rides to those who would otherwise have no opportunity to ride a pony, and if I knew getting her a pony wouldn't distract her from her other duties, and if I had the resources to get her a pony--- then I would give her a pony. If, however, she asked for a pony and I knew in my heart that she would not be grateful, would not share, and would take the pony for granted, I would not give her a pony.
I don't know God's criteria for answering prayers. Oh wait, the scriptures tell us: "Ask and ye shall receive." Interesting to note, it doesn't say, "Ask and ye shall receive what you asked for," but it says, "ask and ye shall receive." God knows us better than we know ourselves and He knows our needs. So when I ask Him to take this addiction from me, He doesn't seem to want to do that. But, He still gives. He gives me strength to bear the afflictions of addiction. And do you know what? That is better for me, far better, than to have this addiction totally removed. But, I am much better off asking Him to cure me than I would be not praying about it at all. Now, I also ask Him for strength, and that He gives liberally, according to my faith and obedience. He gives me strength and I still have to work through the temptations and cravings. And every time I have another victory, I learn something. I grow closer to Him. And He gives me yet more strength and love. I am thankful that He has not yet granted my request to have the addiction taken away.
Here's the thing. Since my faith has gone from "Believing that He can" to "Believing that He will," I have seen more miracles in my life. I have seen His hand in my every day duties. I know He will help me because He has helped me; He is helping me. I know He hears my cries because He meets my spoken needs, and then some. You know that scripture that says something like when a man asks you to walk a mile, walk with him two miles? When a man asks you for your coat, give him your cloak also? Our Heavenly Father is the perfect example of doing just that. He gives me more than I ask for, when I ask in faith. If I asked for a pony, maybe He'd give me a pony plus a barn. He is a kind and generous God who gives and gives and gives. Believe that He will, and He will.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
New Facebook Page
Hey, ya'll, I have wanted to create a Facebook "fan page" for a while, to talk about things that inspire and encourage me, and to maybe encounter other women who are further in recovery than I am, and to maybe help others who are struggling as I so recently was. I didn't use my actual FB profile to create it, because I'm not ready to have all my FB friends see that I've created this page just yet. I don't want it to be linked to my name, is what I'm trying to say.
A long time ago, I created a fake FB profile kinda for this same reason, but it didn't work out. So today I resurrected that FB account and used it to create a page for my blog, for my story of recovery.
I invite you to "like" it. Find it here: https://www.facebook.com/OfferingsOfMyHeart
Thank you!
A long time ago, I created a fake FB profile kinda for this same reason, but it didn't work out. So today I resurrected that FB account and used it to create a page for my blog, for my story of recovery.
I invite you to "like" it. Find it here: https://www.facebook.com/OfferingsOfMyHeart
Thank you!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)