The Addict Still Lives

I picture my addict locked in the basement of my soul. I am starving her. I have been doing pretty good at keeping food away from her, and ignoring her persistent screams. She is getting quieter, but she is a monster, and has a lot of life left in her. She screams at me still, and she changes what she screams about when one thing doesn't work.

She screams at me daily about sex, porn, and masturbation, but, that hasn't been working well lately. So she changed it up. She screamed about Pepsi. I quit Pepsi six weeks ago. One week ago, however, the screams of my addict won out. I didn't recognize it as an Addict victory. I have always separated my Pepsi addiction from my sex addictions. And last weekend, when I had that first delicious cola after five weeks of abstinence, I felt no guilt.

It was delicious. It kick-started my energy. Nothing bad happened. The more I thought about it, the more I could justify it. I don't gain weight when I'm drinking Pepsi. I don't lose weight when I'm not drinking Pepsi. It doesn't seem to affect my sleep one way or the other. It doesn't make me sick. Nothing bad happens when I drink Pepsi. When I give into my sexual addictions, I feel miserable and dark and sick. Those things do not happen when I drink Pepsi. So, obviously, they are very separate problems, and obviously, Pepsi isn't that big of a deal.

So I've had some Pepsi every day this week. And at first, it was awesome. But by the end of the week, I noticed how dang grumpy I had been all week. I was short with my kids and selfish with every moment of my time. I operated on a super short fuse and I was extra irritable. Additionally, and of monumental importance, I noticed a loss of the Spirit. Not a drastic and total loss, like what I experience when I engage in porn, but a smaller disconnect.

I can't afford to lose the Spirit in any small way.

As it happens, Pepsi weakens me spiritually. I don't know if it's because I'm addicted to it. I don't know if it's because I have felt prompted to avoid it but keep drinking it anyway. I don't know why, but it doesn't matter why. Since Pepsi weakens my relationship with the Spirit, then it also weakens my ability to withstand sexual temptations. Nicely played, screaming addict.

Screaming, trapped addict: 1
Stephanie: 0

Next week, the scores will be different. :)

My addict has also been screaming about men. I couldn't even tell what she was carrying on about until I ran into a former boyfriend at a Singles' Fireside. Since we only dated a very short time, and since he's a good guy, we had no reason to be bitter enemies. Even so, when I saw him the other week, it was the first time I'd seen him since last summer. He sat right next me on the bench. I have no desire to date him again- we just wouldn't work. But, as the night progressed, I could only think about kissing him again. The addict kept screaming louder and louder at me: Kiss him tonight! Kiss him tonight! I doubt that he would have kissed me anyway, but my addict didn't care about that. That wasn't the point of her screaming. She wanted a fix. She wants to be free of the chains that bind her now instead of me. She wanted food. And with me just trying to kiss him, even if he rejected it, would be enough for her.

Finally I made a decision sitting there next to him. No. No, I would not be kissing him.

And just like that, the addict in me was forced to quiet. She still made muffled sounds and then I thought again, No. I don't need to kiss him. I don't even want to kiss him. I won't kiss him.

The addict was silent.

Screaming, trapped addict: 1
Stephanie: 1

That's better. :)

After the fireside, I noticed something. I used to just want to kiss a guy. I used to go find guys to kiss. It would seem like whenever I was sober awhile as far as porn and masturbation, I would look for a guy just to kiss. I thought it was totally innocent-- or, I told myself I thought I was innocent, rather. I could almost always find someone willing to make out with me. At the time, I did not ever even consider that it was a part of my addiction. Now, I know better. Anyway, before, I couldn't fathom the idea of waiting till I was in love with someone to kiss him, because what if that never happened? I couldn't go the rest of my life without making out!! And so I would find men to use. Now.... I'm okay with not having someone to kiss. Now, the idea of kissing someone for the sake of kissing him is disgusting, irresponsible, dangerous, and cruel. If I die before I kiss another man, so be it. I don't need regular make out sessions to survive. In fact, I'm doing much better without them.

And, that is enormous progress! What? You mean I can survive without porn/masturbation/kissing men? When I think of possibly never having someone to kiss again, I'm no longer filled with anxiety. Instead, I'm filled with trust in a loving God.

Besides, when it comes down to it, it's not the kiss I crave- it's love. It's meaning something to someone. It's being, for a moment, the only person in the world for someone. I want to matter to a man who loves me, and that is a righteous desire. Kissing strangers in dark parking lots is not going to answer that righteous desire, which is why my sexual addictions will only and always serve to increase the voids I seek to fill, rather than healthily fill them. And that's why my addictions progress; I have to fill the hole that was made bigger by the last indulgence.

I love being truly in recovery. This path, though difficult, is absolutely glorious. The farther I get away from the dark, the more I see my future of righteousness and joy.

Perhaps the addict in the basement will never fully die. Perhaps she will always be there, waiting for me to knock on the basement door, to call down to her, to throw her some food. Perhaps she will always be a part of me. But if I can just get her to shut up long enough for me to live my wonderful life, I'm fine with that.