Whoooaa! We're half way there! Whoooaa! Livin on a Prayer!

I'm halfway to the temple. Maybe even closer.

This here post is going to be all over the place. It has been so long since I blogged and I have so many thoughts in my head. And they all gotta come out tonight.

Six weeks! (And three days.) At approximately 12 weeks, I can go to the temple, according to my bishop. Ima make it. I hope I'll make it this time. I think I will. I believe I will. I believe my Father in Heaven will continue to carry me through this recovery process. I'm half way there, and I'm livin' on a prayer! (Um, that's the only part of the song I know, so I have no idea if the rest of the song has absolutely nothing to do with this kind of thing or not-- it probably doesn't. :) )

I'm excited! I'm so excited!

Previously, I subconsciously believed attending the temple would be an end-all experience. Like, I made it! I can stop trying now. I got me my temple recommend, and I am golden.

I chuckle a bit because in the past several years of recovery attempts, I have, many times, realized some wonderful truth and then thought, barely subconsciously- ah HA! This is what I needed to learn! I'm sure to be cured now. And I would slacken my efforts a bit, thinking that I'd made it. Naturally, I would slip soon after. And the next truth would come along. Ah HA! I've finally figured it out this time! I've got to be cured now. And then I would slip again.

Finally it hit me that I must never stop learning. Finally it hit me that each new truth, each revelation, each realization is a precept and a gift, and that it mustn't, can't end there. Line upon line, Stephanie. Little by little, that's how we're fed Truth.

So.... the temple is not an end-all. It's not my final destination. It will not ensure continued recovery. I'm surprised that I let this belief go unchecked for this long. I'm glad I figured it out. After I make it to the temple, Satan's tricks will increase! But I'll be more protected and more prepared to handle them-- but I have to handle them! They will not disappear. Satan will not disappear.

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I missed last week's Tender Mercy post. Tender Mercies are all over the place. I'm practically swimming in them. I am so blessed! I keep getting more and more piano students! I am learning so much in this recovery process. I am finding strength to love and forgive myself! I am happy! The Holy Ghost reminds me that I get to be happy. What a tender mercy! Heavenly Father is even helping me write a song. I need to write a song for my students because I'm not going back to teach music next year. This is an enormous leap of faith that I may write about later. Anyway, I have asked Him to help me with this song, and He is! Do you see how He cares about the little things?

I am so very, very thankful for a supportive family. I went to the general ARP meeting on Friday, and I was the only one there! Just me and the missionary! He was telling me some things about his past and his family, and I tell you what, I am so grateful that my family is supportive. They don't seem to judge me for the most part. They are strong in the Gospel. They are great examples for me. I'm so glad.

My children are a constant, daily tender mercy. I think they have such strong spirits. I think they have it in them to withstand all the evil of the world they're growing up in. I need to give them the tools to fight the World with, and I try every day. They are so good that they pick up my slack. I pray they will always be this faithful.

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Step Four. I have been putting off Step 4. I'm doing it again. I need to do it again. I have been so scared because last time I did Step 4, I got super triggered and I slipped. How do you do Step 4 and NOT get triggered? Seriously?! I don't want to ruin this streak- I don't want to postpone my temple return any longer. Would Step 4 be worth it if I slipped again? I don't know.

Today at the PASG meeting, I realized that my fear is pretty pathetic. Has not God taken me up to this point? Has He not answered my prayers? Has He not protected me from the Adversary? Has He not given me strength- so much more than my own- to lift the burdens on my back so that I can scarcely feel them? Has He not been my guide? He has. And He will. And how dare I lack the faith to do Step 4? He will carry me. He will protect me. He will help me. I believe that He can, and I believe that He will.

It's different this time because my heart, in at least a small way, has changed. I have changed. I am, in part, a new person. I have come to know the power of God. I have come to cherish the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. I have come to understand that the Holy Ghost isn't just for Sis. Jones who does everything right. The Holy Ghost was conferred upon me when I was 8 years old, and I was promised the constant companionship of such if I am faithful and obedient. I have felt that Spirit's constant presence and there is nothing like it. I don't want to lose it again.



I am temple bound!! Six more weeks. I can't wait. And now I know that afterward, I get to keep learning, keep working, keep hoping, praying, believing and watching vigilantly. But I also know that I can, and I believe that I will.