Don't Go Back to Sleep

“There is a point at which everything becomes simple and there is no longer any question of choice, because all you have staked will be lost if you look back. Life's point of no return.” - Dag Hammarskjold

I don't think I've yet crossed that threshold of "Life's point of no return." I'm not saying I will return to past behaviors. But my footing isn't quite that solid, yet. A few months ago, I remember comparing myself to an infant in recovery; I was just lifting my head on my own. I needed support all around me. I knew nothing. Now, I feel like I have just learned to walk. My stepping is unsteady. I feel like I have a pretty good idea of how to manage this walking thing, but I still need a lot of support. I need people around me who love me and who are ready to catch me. I need my loving Father ever so near to encourage my every step, and tell me "good job!" when I make it another few yards without falling. I'm most certainly not ready to learn to run or ride a bike, but I have already mastered crawling and I have no reason to use that method of travel anymore. I can walk, now! I can walk.

And, so, in a way, I have reached one point of no return. I'm not going to crawl. I'm not going to be that infant who is just learning to lift its head. I'm nearly certain I won't go back that far, into a bottomless pit of despair and sin and darkness. I only look back to remember where I've been and how far I've come; I never look back in longing.

I have mentioned it before, but my favorite quote ever in relation to my recovery is from a poem by that ancient Middle Eastern poet, Rumi. "The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you./ Don't go back to sleep."

As I progress, I learn secrets. I learn God's love. I learn truths. Going back to sleep, or relapsing, would end my progress in learning these beautiful things. Going back to sleep may revert me to my state of spiritual infancy. I love the promise of secrets in the morning! I have this on regular paper in my bedroom, so I can always remember to listen for Dawn's secrets, and to be encouraged when life gets hard. Don't go back to sleep! One day, I'll get this line on a nice plaque or on a beautiful page, framed. I love it so much.

As I look back (again, not with longing), I can see how addiction severely slowed my spiritual progress. Oh, I still learned things. I still felt the Spirit, because God is so merciful; because God wanted me out of that wretched night. I miraculously retained the testimony I had gained to that point, but my progress was exceedingly minimal, exceedingly slow. I was so afraid of giving up my addiction. It was the only way I knew to shut up the voices that told me life was awful, I was awful, life has too much and I'm not adequate to carry all that I must carry. I also somewhere knew that my sins perpetuated those voices, but I also knew that, at least for a moment, it shut up those voices. And I simply didn't know another way of reprieve! I read the scriptures and I attended my church meetings, and I heard that Jesus was the living water, which if I drank, I would never thirst. But I couldn't see how that applied to me. Now I can see, so clearly, that drinking of Jesus' living waters shuts up those voices of inadequacy and takes away the thirsts for all things carnal.

I remember loving that feeling I felt in the bishop's office when I would confess my latest round of slips. He was always so kind, and the Spirit was always so strong, and I would go home and get on my knees and let the love of God wash over me. I was honestly afraid that I would lose that incredible feeling of love if I gave up my sins. One day- and I remember the moment- I decided I needed to take a leap of faith here. Sure, I didn't know that I would still feel God's sweet love if I managed to create a life of sobriety, because I'd never made it very far in that direction. But, I had to believe that God blesses the faithful. I had to believe that He would not abandon me. And I realized then that He had never abandoned me, and why would he in my quest for improvement? So I decided to take a leap of faith. I decided that even if I didn't feel that sweet love right away, I would keep going. And I did. And I did actually experience a period of numbness, of not feeling God's presence, but it came. And now.... Oh, my friends, now I feel that the Spirit is my constant companion. As I type those words, I weep. I am so grateful! I cherish this sweet gift that was bestowed onto me on March 5, 1989, one day after my baptism, when I was 8 years old. I now see that it is a reality for me, and not just for the extra-righteous. It's for me. It's for me as long as I am choosing well and truly, honestly striving to do what I know I should.

I feel like right now, everything is working for me. It is wonderful. I acknowledge that this will not always be the case. I know that in life, everyone experiences periods of extreme trial. I have had those periods, and since I'm only 32, I know those periods are not over for good. I hope that God gives me a little more time to strengthen my footing, to get on more solid ground, before He allows another significant trial. But, I also know that He knows me better than I do, and that whatever He allows, I'll be ready for. And if I'm not, He'll ready me. I don't have to be afraid of vigilance anymore; God is my strength. I no longer need to fear the little annoyances of life (like too much laundry, misbehaving children, people not liking me) because God is my guide. I no longer need fear relapse because Jesus is my Savior!! I no longer need fear imperfection because it is only through Jesus that I am made perfect. I no longer need fear anything, because God is my Father, Jesus is my Brother, and the Holy Ghost is my constant companion.

I won't go back to sleep. I hope I don't go back to sleep. God will help me stay wakeful and watchful as long as I do my part. And my part is what I intend to do!

I'm going forward and I like it here. I don't want to lose everything I have staked... and I don't have to.