The Lies that Sustain Her

As my addict, Marsha needs fuel, food, something that keeps her alive. I discovered what her food is: LIES. In order for Marsha to thrive, I need to believe the lies she feeds me. When I accept those lies, she gains nourishment, and therefore power.

I made this discovery last week when I was on the computer and I was attacked, without provocation, with a thought to type something specific into my search window just to see if it would yield questionable images. Immediately, the rationalizations swiftly flowed in: "It's no big deal; your filter will catch anything inappropriate." "Nothing bad will happen." "Even if you do find an inappropriate image, it's not like you're going to continue searching stuff like this." "Just one look won't hurt."

I felt myself begin to mentally nod in agreement, as I have in the past. Yep. All that's true. I won't get caught up if I just take one look. And if I do, I won't go too far. Yep.

But, abruptly and mercifully, I recognized what I was doing. No, no, no! These are lies! Every one of them is a lie! It is a big deal. Something bad was likely to happen. I would have been likely to continue questionable searches. Just one look could have been the difference between abstinence and an ecclesiastical confession.

It's interesting because I get ideas like this- to look up something in the search window- probably daily, as I explained here. But, instead of challenging the rationalizations, I have simply ignored them in the past, which works for awhile. But the other day, I recognized, acknowledged, and defined the lies. The moment I did so, the lies became powerless against me. I could not, even for a moment, suspend disbelief in order to give credence to those lies, and therefore, I could not proceed to feed Marsha. How could I? How could I begin a questionable search while openly acknowledging to myself that it would lead to a slip, which would lead to misery, and a prolonged wait for the reinstatement of my temple attendance privileges? Indeed, I could not.

Additionally, the desire disappeared. Not only did acknowledging the lie render Marsha's goals powerless, it also added power to me. I didn't want to do what the addict in me wanted me to do. Seeing the lie of it made the behavior appear pointless.

Looking back, I now see how many lies I had to believe in order to sustain my addiction. For every single slip, for each relapse, I had to believe some or many of the following (not an all-inclusive list):

It wouldn't hurt
But if it did, I deserved to hurt anyway
I don't matter
I wasn't hurting anyone but myself
I'll never recover
This is my destiny
I'm worthless
I'm beyond the Atonement's power to save
I'm worse than everyone else
Even without this, I have too many faults to ever make it back to God
I'm already a bad mom
I have to recover myself, by my own power
I don't deserve peace
This is my nature
This isn't remotely my fault
This is completely my fault
I'm a freak of nature
This addiction is necessary to keep me humble (seriously?!)
I'm too broken to ever function or cope healthily
This is who I am

If I were to take each of these lies and tell the truth about them, and believe the truth about them, I know that I would gain power while denying Marsha that power. These lies, these excuses, sustain her. These lies are why she reigns. When I see each lie as such, and believe the Truth, she dies a little each time. I intend to destroy her with Truth.

New self-conversations might happen something like this:
"I don't matter."
"That's a lie. Yes I do. I matter."
Oh, well there goes that excuse.

"I'm worse than everyone else."
"That's a lie. No, I'm not. What a selfish way to think. I'm not worse. In fact, I'm doing pretty well."
Oh. Well there goes that excuse.

"This is my destiny."
"That's a lie. No, it's not. My destiny is immortality and eternal life."
Oh. Right. There goes that excuse.

Do you see how the lies that we believe are the power we give to our addictions? The lies we believe are the power we give to the natural (wo)man that is in us. Believing and embracing these lies gives our Ultimate Enemy power over us.

And, so, you see, in a very real and personal way, it is the Truth that will make me free.

John 8:32-

And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

The truth freed me the other night when I was tempted. This verse has a new and beautiful meaning to me. I can see so clearly that truth = freedom.

If Only For You

I was on my knees this morning, opening the day with prayer. I was talking to my Father about how wonderful it is that, even with the dark sins of my past, even with my addictions, that I can return to Him, all because and only because of His Son and my Savior. I talked to Him about how, when so many of His children repent- turn back to Him and away from sin- it must be worth it to have sent His Son to save us all, for the Father to have witnessed His inexplicable suffering. It must have been worth it to the Father to see the Son's pain when, because of His Son's pain, many will return, have returned, are returning. Because the Atonement has saved, is saving, and will save so many of us, it must have been worth it to the Father to allow His Son to suffer and carry such heavy burdens of all the world.

My point was, in that moment in prayer, to illustrate that because of the many who will live with the Father, the Atonement of Jesus was worthwhile to the Father.

As I said these words to Him, He interrupted, and before I could finish my sentence, my heart felt this message, as clearly as if it were spoken:

"But, Stephanie, it would be worth it if only for you. If you were the only one who repented and gained access into my Kingdom, all the suffering of my Son would have been worthwhile."

It is incomprehensible that I should mean so much to a God. But I believe it. A few years ago, I saw, on a local church's billboard, this message: "God loves each of us like there's only one of us." It's stuck with me all these years, and I believe it.

What an incredible tender mercy to have experienced this morning. Happy Sabbath.

Daily Assault

I don't know how many times a day I am attacked, ambushed, and/or assaulted by the Adversary, but maybe one day I'll count. I'd wager it's dozens. Dozens of suggestions, dozens of temptations, dozens of memories, every day. "Stephanie, do this." "Stephanie, click on this link. It's probably nothing bad." "Stephanie, type ____ into the search bar just to make sure your filter is working." "Stephanie, check out that woman's cleavage." "Stephanie, check out how those pants fit that attractive man." "Stephanie, stare at that billboard/magazine/shirtless man that your friend shared on Facebook." "It's not a big deal." "One look won't hurt." "It's just for a second, and then you can go back to your day."

ALL. DAY. LONG.

And I want to shout, Shut up! Leave me alone for just five minutes! I sweep the thoughts away instead and focus on something else. Then I go to the store and see pornography in the check out aisle, and I have to resist the ceaseless urge to pick up the magazine and read about how to give my man the best time. But, I look elsewhere and sweep that thought away. Then I drive home and see a sexually vulgar bumper sticker, and I have to resist the ceaseless urge to wonder about the precise meaning of the sticker, but I sweep that thought away. Then I watch an innocent show, like Biggest Loser, and see a suggestive commercial, and have to resist the ceaseless urge to think about using my body inappropriately. I sweep that thought away, too. It's everywhere. Inappropriate sex is everywhere. It's in the conversations of strangers at the gas station. Heck, it's in the posters at the gas station. It's in the comments of a commercial Facebook post, even if the post was about which light bulbs are best for the hallway. It's in our kids' movies. It's everywhere. And even if it wasn't, I'm dang sure Satan and his army would put it in my head every day anyway.

It's interesting that as time goes, the temptations don't. I'm not quite as sensitive as I used to be. Certain common words no longer trigger me instantly. Sometimes, I can even go to buy groceries without even noticing the magazines. It takes a bit longer, now, for suggestion to become desire. Before, one stray thought would explode almost immediately into an uncontrollable, unstoppable itch that could only be satisfied by one thing. And then I would go from idea to itch to sin in about 60 seconds. I don't do that anymore! I rejoice that I am stronger, now! And, so, even though I feel the attack almost all day still, I know that wearing the armor of God gives me strength to sweep the thoughts away, time after time after time. As I walk in the path of Jesus, He carries me through it, and whispers to me that I have great worth even while Satan is telling me I don't. God whispers to me to look away even while Satan tells me to stare. I am getting better at heeding the voice of the Shepherd! Time and practice and faith have led me here. And I know how much easier it is now than it was, say, a year ago, and that gives me so much hope. What's a year from now going to look like? Even easier, I think. I'll be even stronger. I maybe won't even hear the whisperings of "just this once," anymore.

A Mark of Progress

Numbers:
58 days since my last slip
298 days since I first began enjoying abstinence with recovery
About 21 days (estimate) till I can get my temple recommend back

Whoa! 298 days ago was when I began climbing out of active addiction. I haven't been active in addiction since! I have had three slips since then and one mini-relapse. That's what I call it. It was a series of slips (like four maybe) over a period of about 2 weeks. That was my last one. That was a horrible one. Anyway, notwithstanding the minor setbacks, this is remarkable progress!! Before 298 days ago, making it two weeks without indulging was a miracle. Now, I've had only a few slips in 298 days. And that is a miracle!

This has been a joint effort between me and Heavenly Father. I walk a step, He carries me fifty steps. I step, He carries. And so it goes. And so I know that as long as I keep moving forward, walking toward my Savior, I will keep finding this success.

The past two months have been exceedingly challenging. I'll spare you the details (you're welcome), but just know that challenges have been piling on top of me, one after another, week after week. And they're not petty challenges, either, but big ones.

It's hard.

I have been tempted on many occasions to give up hope. I've been tempted to give up trying to get out of this circumstantial mess. I've been tempted to rush back to my old comfort, my Marsha, and escape for a moment in the secret delight of counterfeit pleasures. Daily, I think about Marsha. Daily, I think about giving up. Daily, something tries to convince me that it's too hard, that I can't do it, that I must rely on my addictions.

But, daily, I turn to the True Source of my comfort. Daily, I reject lies that I am worthless. Daily, I am reminded that I am not in this alone. My God hath been my support! He hath filled me with his love unto the consuming of my flesh! I know in whom I have trusted. Oh, Lord, I will trust in Thee forever.

My point is, with all these trials happening, with varying challenges every single day, I have not given up. I have not given in. God has granted me grace according to my faith and efforts, and daily, He is saving me. He is keeping me afloat in this sea of burdens. A year ago, these circumstances would have sent me into a spiraling, lasting relapse. I know that. I know that a year ago, I couldn't have handled these happenings the way I am now. It's a beautiful and inspiring mark of progress. I know that I have come a long way, and so I know I that I can go a long way still.

With God as my Father, and Jesus as my guide, I will not fail when I trust in Them.

I am ever-grateful for the ongoing rescue on my behalf. My eternal life and immortality are God's work and glory-- and that is incredible! I mean so much to Him. And so, to Him, I return.