"I don't do this because I enjoy it, I do this because I'm addicted to it." -- A Letter To Marsha

Here's what I know for sure doesn't work:
sex
making out
pornography
masturbation
drinking
cutting
hiding
lying
running away
eating
spending obscene amounts of money
Facebook

I know all this from experience. I experienced almost all of these over the past six days. None of this stuff works but man do I want it to. I keep believing the lie that tells me "masturbation will make this all go away today."

Have you seen the movie Mr. Brooks? It's a crazy movie about a man who is addicted to killing. He has this "imaginary friend" called Marshall. Marshall convinces him to kill. Marshall is the addict in him. In the movie, Mr Brooks says, "I don't do this because I enjoy it; I do this because I'm addicted to it." So.... I named my addict Marsha. We all know Marsha is me but it's interesting and sometimes enlightening when I separate me from my addict-self.

And today, I dumped Marsha in a letter. Here it is:

Hello Marsha,

I would like you to leave me now. You do me no good. When I oblige you, I want to die. You're not allowed in my house anymore; you're not allowed in my life. I never want to see you again. I never want to think about you again. I would beg you to leave but I think you would mock my desperation. And you'd use it against me.

The reason I've kept you around this long is because without you, I am lonely and anxious, and you always convince me that you will cure my loneliness, you will cure my anxiety! You lie to me! How do you always convince me that this time you're telling the truth, that this time you will take away all my troubles?

Instead of curing my loneliness, you intensify it. Instead of alleviating my anxiety, you exponentially multiply it. My life has nothing bad in it that you don't make worse; nothing beautiful that you don't taint.

But I don't know how to live without you. Maybe I can't handle freedom. Maybe I can't handle peace. Maybe I can't handle life without you. You came into my life without my notice, but I do remember a time without you, a very long time ago. And maybe I can't function anymore if you're not with me.

But I'd sure like to try. I'm tired of you; you make me sick. We are so close that it seems like the only way to eliminate you is to eliminate me. But there must be another way.

You will leave me now.I can't figure this out if you're here with me, lying to me about everything, tricking me, enticing me, harassing me, seducing me, destroying me. Leave me now. Go.

Sincerely,
~Erin

I don't think this will do any good but I enjoyed writing it.

This weekend (well, last Wednesday onward), I made more bad choices than I did in my entire adolescence. I'm trying to get God to punish me. I'm trying to find my rock bottom. I'm trying to pay the consequences for my behavior. I'm trying to be my own God. I'm in a very bad place.