Right now, it's like that biting itch you sometimes get, and you feel that you must scratch it immediately or you will surely die. It comes on suddenly, without warning, and then it's just there, powerful and strange and very, very needy. It MUST be stopped, and it must be stopped immediately, and the only way to stop it is to scratch the heck out of it. You know that itch I'm talking about.
It's like unto the itch of addiction, especially to the newby. At least it was for me. When abstinence was this new thing I had hope for, and this new thing I was trying out, denying myself of the coping methods I had grown accustomed -- addicted -- to, that itch was there. It was powerful. It was needy. It called for my immediate and full attention. It was physical, like an itch. After time, the itches became emotional. After time, the temptations to indulge in my addictions were due to emotional triggers. That crazy, intense physical need wasn't any longer a daily struggle. Occasionally, after a slip, I feel that intense physical need again. But it's easier to deny as abstinence becomes more than norm than indulgence, and after a few days, it's gone.
Except for the past two weeks. I feel like I'm just now starting to climb out of active addiction for the FIRST TIME. I am feeling those intense physical itches demand my immediate attention just like before. FOR TWO WEEKS. Oh my gosh. I can't believe I've survived, for real.
Hmmmm. On that note . . . I have survived. I have been receiving a physical beating from Satan for two consecutive weeks, and I haven't given in, not even a little. I haven't opened up a search window with sketchy intentions. I haven't entertained inappropriate thoughts. I haven't started up a questionable conversation with an old dude-friend. I haven't opened the door- haven't even reached to scratch that damn itch.
Well, what do you know. A victory I hadn't thought to acknowledge.
Do you know what this means?!?! It means Heavenly Father is helping me so much. It means that my regular scripture study and praying, following promptings, making myself available for service-- it means these things have paid off; are paying off. Satan is seeing my efforts and trying so hard to undermine them, but I am relying on my Savior more than I am on my flesh. This means progress. This means that doing more of the things I've been working so hard to do are even more important that I realized. And that I need to do them with more urgency to keep me continually safe.
I don't feel exhausted from Satan's buffetings, but I'm very annoyed by them. However, I'm also grateful for the strength God has mercifully granted me in this time. I have kept Him in the loop. As these itches, these temptations, vigorously seize me, I call out to Him.
I know I'm not immune. I know two victorious weeks does not mean I've won the war. I know I must still fight, and fight I will. I'm encouraged, now, because Satan can try his hardest, and as long as I'm keeping the commandments and holding tight to the Savior, I will not fall. Not after two weeks of constant buffetings. Not after a year of ceaseless enticings. Jesus is my Savior and my brother and my friend, and He is my rock, a foundation upon which if I build, I cannot fall.
At the beginning of last week, I kept getting this impression that I needed to ask for a blessing for help with my addiction. I didn't want to because it's sorta embarrassing. And I felt like I could handle it. (ha!) Well I finally decided that I didn't want to NOT ask and then find out consequences, so I asked my brother and he obliged. I think that the combination of the Priesthood blessing and my obedience to a prompting gave me enough power to make it through-- along with my trying to do those daily important spiritual boosts.
I'm grateful! I'm grateful I wrote this because by so doing I realized that by asking for it, I received the strength I needed from my Father in Heaven.
Tonight, I'll pray again for power to overcome. Because even now, I feel the buffetings of the Adversary. Even now, I feel him taunting, inviting, daring. In the words of the prince in one of my favorite movies, Ever After, "I will not yield!" Because I don't have to. Because Jesus is my Savior, and He can and will save me from this.
