Progress

Dear Reader,

I made it one month. Almost exactly one month.

It's not long enough.

The thing is, the past month has been the most empowering, humbling, peaceful month I've had in years.

I told you of my new resolve of studying the scriptures. I have also begun family scriptures, and I and my children love that time together. We don't spend much time on it because we're new at it and they're young, and sometimes there are fits and uncooperative attitudes, but usually, there is humility, there is warmth, there is unity. And I love it. And my children love it.

God is so merciful. As I resolve to choose right, He gives me the things I need to make those choices.

Except, last week, I got a little depressed and a little discouraged and a little lonely and I let it get to me. And I participated in those sins that I was sure I'd forsaken. I stepped out back onto that cliff again, and shut the door on my Savior.

I was, and I am sick with disappointment.

But, as my bishop enthusiastically reminded me, I haven't lost the war. What I do here is get up and try again. And do again. And make it further this time.

I'm now willing to give it up. The onward, upward hill no longer scares me. The difficulty of the path of righteousness no longer discourages me. I know that it is while I am on that path that I will be at peace. The Lord has promised rest for those who never weary in doing good. And so, I know that no matter how hard the climb, no matter how lonely the path, I will be filled with all that I need to conquer the flesh.

I'm so excited for who I am becoming. I am so excited to BE who I really AM. A daughter of God, a Queen in the kingdom of Christ, a humble servant.

And so, Friend, I stand. I wipe the dirt and dust down. I repent. I take a deep breath, smile, and go back, back to that path that brings safety, warmth and peace.

I love the Truth. I love my Savior, Jesus Christ, my brother. I love my God. And so, to Them, I return.

Humble Yourself

Continuing: So I read stories of deliverance. Perhaps my favorite was when Aaron and Muloki and Ammah were imprisoned, starved, bound. They were patient in their afflictions. How can you be patient when you're in prison for doing the Lord's work? If they can be patient with that, and starvation, then I can be patient in my warm home, sleeping each night in a comfortable bed with a filled belly. I get to be comfortable in my afflictions; the least I can do is be patient. I have that HUGE advantage over these sufferers.

So, while they're patiently suffering, and faithfully, no doubt, Ammon is preaching and converting a king and queen. Then, the Lord tells Ammon to go get his brethren out of prison in a different land. And he does. And he frees them. And they're delivered.

God is always aware of us. He needed Ammon to convert several people before he sent him to deliver the prisoners. "Hey guys, sorry I didn't come earlier, I was converting a ton of people." "no problem! I'd be glad to be tied up and starved for our fellow men to be saved! We're free now, no big deal."

Deliverance will always come to the faithful. I really believe that.

Then, the great deliverance of thousands of Lamanites. They were converted, and delivered from sin and hell.

Jesus has come to deliver me from the chains of sin. He has been after me all these years, trying to get me to come back.

After the very inspiring General Conference, I had a long talk with God. I think I'm really giving it up. I'm giving up my sins to know Him. I'm tired of the depression. I'm tired of not having the Spirit with me always. I'm so tired of my laziness. And I'm not afraid of the responsibility I have anymore.

Remember that door I wrote of earlier, the door I envision, the door that leads to happiness? That one that I can't seem to enter with my whole self? I have imagined myself at this door many times. Just at it. There's the door on one side, just in front of me, and a cliff behind me. The cliff was getting closer and closer, eroding away with my rebellion. Well, during my prayer, I envisioned myself entering the door, with both feet. And there was the Savior, and he pulled me to Him, and we closed the door.

I'm not opening it. Ever.

Now I'm on the side of the Savior. I'm with Him now. Satan is attacking all the time. I think, actually, right now, he's stopped his attacks, but I know he's trying to trick me. He's planning another attack. But I'll be ready. Bring it on, Satan, I have God with me, I have my Savior with me, I have my bishop on my side, and we are stronger than you. He was there, so strong, after I made some commitments to God. I could feel him trying to change my mind and weaken my resolve, so I called my bishop. :D

I've known for some time that I need to humble myself. But how? How does one humble oneself?

I'm still learning, but I know that faithful study of the scriptures each day is one way.

The road before me is hard and rocky and thorny and steep. But, I now realize, HELLO, I can handle rocks and thorns and hills. So what if it's hard? I can do hard things. I know the way.

I'm sorry that I've refused to see until now. I'm sorry that I've chosen death and misery before now. I wish that I'd made this decision earlier, but I'm grateful that I'm making it. I'm grateful to my Savior for coming to rescue me out of the dark that I created for my own self. I'm going back with Him.

I mentioned before that when I'm in the thick of it, it's just too hard to get out. And it IS. I can't handle it at that point, for the most part. Which is why it's never gonna get to that point again. I have the tools of Salvation at my side, all the time. Now I shall implement them.

I'm happy.

I choose Jesus. I choose Life. I'm going Home.

Deliverance

Finally, on September 27, I decided to dedicate, faithfully, 15 minutes each day to scripture study. The key word here is "decided." It was a full choice, a determined choice, one that I meant to employ 100%. I 100% meant it.

I've kept a reading journal since then, as my bishop instructed me to do so many moons ago.

I've been humbled.

My friends, remember Naaman? He was a leper. He was a prominent citizen, well-liked, respected. But a leper. It was suggested to him that the prophet could heal him. So he went to the prophet's house and the prophet's servant came out and told him to bathe in the river 7 times, then he'd be healed.

Can you imagine? How absurd, how simple! "Lord, how shall I be healed?" "go dip in the river seven times." What? What does that have to do with leprosy? What does that have to do with a great powerful healing from a prophet? Naaman kinda threw a fit about it, and I can't be sure that I would have behaved differently. Then his friend told him that even though it was the prophet's messenger, and even though it was simple, he should still try it. He did, and of course he was healed.

I have been told to read my scriptures. And I have been. But, it's been sans commitment. Sans faith. Sans determination. Sans consistency.

Finally, on September 27th, I dove in. I rushed to the waters of Jordan and bathed, with faith, with surrender.

The experience, reader, has been a healing one. Fifteen minutes a day is rarely long enough. I can't get enough of the sweet words in the Book of Mormon. I can't get enough of the parallels to my own life. I can't get enough of the sweet, sweet love of the Savior.

I began my purposeful reading in the book of Alma, and every day for about a week, I studied stories of deliverance. God delivers the faithful. Time after time after time, He delivers His people. From all kinds of bondage. Alma and Amulek suffered prison, starvation, isolation, mockery from the people they loved and wanted to save. They suffered so much more than I have in my lifetime, and they were so much more righteous than I. God doesn't withhold life's bitter experiences from anyone. But, He has/does/will deliver His faithful children. Alma and Amulek knew that. They knew their sufferings would be temporary, and that God would deliver them. Which He did. I am inspired by the faith of these great missionaries.

As I read about the great conversion of King Lamoni and his queen and so very many others, I wondered why won't God give me an experience like that to change my heart immediately? Lamoni basically went from sinner to saint in just longer than a moment. Why not me? Why not send me this great miracle, knock me out for a few hours, change my heart and free me from these chains of sin forever?

Then I realized, I have all the knowledge and the tools I need to humble my own self, and to submit my own heart for cleansing.

I have so much to say! This is so long already! More is coming.