From Weakness to Strength

**this is a quite informal post as it began as a Facebook post.**

The scriptures, both Bible and Book of Mormon, contain promises that God can/will turn our weaknesses into strengths if we turn to Him in humility and faith.

I decided to test God. I figured this was okay, since in Malachi chapter 3 He basically says "Try me and see...."

As my friends and family and anyone who has ever been in my presence know, I have a larger-than-life weakness of disorganization. I hate it. My brain is not organized and therefore my life is not organized. I have ADD as well as a sorta-phobia of schedules and lists (like the idea of them makes me almost hyperventilate), and organization is just not my BFF. It's basically my worst enemy. I have tried MANY things to combat this weakness on my own. I have tried lists and schedules- both electronic and paper, reminders in my phones, self reward systems, therapy, medication, etc. Nothing helped, ever. I figured I will always be this way, and my life will always be extremely difficult because of it. But, as I said, I recently decided to test God on His promise.

I approached Him in faith and willingness to accept His will. If He wants me to suffer this weakness till I die, fine. I will. I went to Him with my weakness and basically said, "Father, this disorganization weakness is a real life-detractor. I disappoint people by forgetting. My house is a mess. I lose things all the time. It affects my parenting because my weakness prevents me from being consistent. You promised to turn weaknesses into strengths if we come to You in faith. Here I am. Please help me. If it's Thy will, turn this weakness into a strength." And I have been so praying for the past few months.

And, well, over the past few months, I have NOT become organized. But I can testify that I AM *becoming* organized. And it is blowing my mind, my friends, it is blowing my mind. I have made charts and calendars and goals. I fail them daily but I succeed daily also.

The biggest, hugest, most remarkable change is that charts and schedules and lists don't scare me anymore. As I write that, I become a little weepy because it's a HUGE change! Our good Father, who is a God of miracles and a God of consistency who keeps His word, has shown me, little by little, that I have the ability to create and maintain structure. He has shown me, little by little, that I can try and fail and try again, and every time I try again, I get a little closer to my ultimate goal of organization. Things that seemed so impossible and terrifying before, now actually seem doable to me. I feel like I can. I can become an organized person. I would have never said that 3 months ago, but I can say it now because I truly, deeply believe it. I can become organized, because God can turn this weakness into a strength. And I think He will, because I know He is.

I am not organized. Compared to mankind's normal capacity for organization, I am not even close. But compared to 3 months ago, I'm basically Martha Stewart! God is giving me the motivation I need to maintain the schedules and ideas He is helping me create and begin. This is such an enormous miracle. Maybe it's one that only I can understand and appreciate, because at this point, my new-found organization skills are not really visible to anyone but myself. However, keep watching, friends. Keep watching, and you will see me become organized. And you will be amazed.

What does this have to do with addiction, you may ask? Well, what doesn't it have to do with addiction? Is not addiction weakness? I know we may have some of our weaknesses till we die. Elder Jorg Klebingat said “Acknowledge and face your weaknesses, but don't be immobilized by them, because some of them will be your companions until you depart this earth life.” But that doesn't mean that God won't help us with even those. I don't know if I'm going to be an addict for the rest of my life, I really don't. I wish I could say that I know God will heal me of this weakness. And-- I really do know that He will-- eventually. In this life? Maybe. But if I am not healed of addiction before I die, I am promised, as are you, that we will be provided a way to make it through. Jesus bore already the weight of our burdens, and when we let Him carry it, when we yoke with Him, we can make it through anything.

Some of my favorite verses of scripture are found in Mosiah 24:

 13 And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

 14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

 15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens
with ease,and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

I love it because it's a dose of reality. It's like, hey, you know what, you may still have these rotten circumstances to live in (the people referred to in the above verses are essentially slaves), but as a result of your gratitude and faith, I'll make your circumstances feel less burdensome. They're still there, and it's still rough, but I'll make it so easy you can bear up your burdens with ease. Trust me. I don't always take the circumstance away, but I will always reward your faith and prayers. 

And so I go. I go forward knowing that if I'm an addict till I die, God will help me as carry the weight of addiction as long as I trust Him. I go forward knowing that if it's His will for me to become organized (and I feel that it is), then, according to my faith and work, I will become organized. 

It's a beautiful thing to have so much access to so much Truth.

(you guys, I don't know how this font changed color and size, and I don't know how to fix it.)

Super Power of Choice

It was a long day in a long week, yesterday. This week has really lagged. The other weeks in this year have zoomed by, but this week- it feels like it should have been over a while ago.

Yesterday, I was tired. I was also exhausted. Marsha had been tapping my shoulder relentlessly all week long. How do you react when someone taps you 8 or 9 times consecutively? It seriously gets annoying real fast. But Marsha- she had been tapping and tapping and tapping. I would walk away, and she'd follow. Tap, tap, tap. I'd tell her to go away, and she would for a moment, but then the next moment- tap, tap, tap. I'd punch her in the throat and she would fall to the ground, but just when I'd forgotten about that- tap, tap, tap.

MARSHA/ADDICTION/TEMPTATION, LEAVE ME ALONE! What do I have to do to get rid of you?!

I was starting to give notice her whispers:
I can take you to freedom and bliss. 
You have been so stressed out; you deserve a break.
It's not fair that you have to keep being single.
Just once more won't hurt.
You've already made it 10 weeks; longer than ever this whole year. Your bishop will still see this as progress.
It is progress, even if you give in tonight.
You know you want to.
You can repent later.
You're an addict. This is what addicts do.

On and on she went. I got so tired of ignoring her and fighting her. So I listened. I agreed with some of the lies. Some, I rejected right off. I listened as I typed in something into my search bar that I figured the filter would miss. I listened as I found something that looked like what I might be interested in. I listened as I clicked "play." I listened as I skipped past the boring parts. I listened as I shook my head at myself in disbelief and disappointment. But, I wasn't really listening at all. I was ignoring the truths that were also being whispered to me.

You don't need this.
This is terrible.
This isn't you.
I hate this stuff. Why am I doing this?
You can choose. You are choosing.
This is your choice.

But then I perked up. My choice? If I had the power to choose here, then why was I choosing destruction? Why was I choosing to step away from my safe place, from my God? If the power to choose was mine, why was I choosing this?

So I shut the computer, got off the couch, and walked out of the room. Even as I walked away, I scrambled for excuses, just barely subconsciously. Why? Why had I made this choice?!
It's the addiction
I was just so tired.
It's been such a long time!
I've been under a lot of stress. 
It's not fair.
But every excuse was unsatisfying. I couldn't buy any of them, so I'd scramble for one I could buy. But the next one was just as hollow, so I searched for a better one. Nothing was working. Nothing was justifying my choices. Nothing I could think of was going to save me from my decisions, or erase them. And I was sorta hunched over as I was searching for a justifiable reason, but I suddenly stood straight and said to myself, Some time, I have got to accept that it was my choice. It wasn't the addiction, or my exhaustion, or my circumstances. It was the choice I deliberately made.

Instantly, my mind relaxed. I had released it from its fruitless mission of finding an acceptable excuse. And I realized that I have the power, here. The power I have is in the choices I have. I have the power to choose, at any given moment, and that is a power that is an inalienable gift from God. There was no external force pressing down the letters on my keyboard; no, that was me. I did that. I chose that. My judgement was clouded- yes. My judgement was worsened by exhaustion and addiction and circumstance- yes. But, never, at any time in my entire life, have I lost total ability to choose, and last night was no exception.

This recovery business is a hard lot. It is so hard to be bombarded every day all the dang time with pictures and phrases and images and Marsha tapping all day long, everywhere I look! Reminders all over the place, from a pornographic truck window decal to something as innocent as a couple holding hands. Triggers are practically the air I breathe. But even that's not an excuse, and even then, I always have a choice.

Oh, how easy it would be to yield to the enticings of my flesh! Oh, how desirable it appears to rush back to my former ways of so easily bending to Addiction's demands! And, sometimes, oh, what I would give to be able to truly justify the sins I occasionally miss. Sometimes, I would really like to have my cake and devour it, too, at will. Sometimes, honestly, I would like to change the rules, or my commitment to them, so I could dabble in the darkness that compels me to enter. How easy, my friend, how easy it would be to press "play" a hundred more times, shut out the world, and tune in to the pleasure that Marsha tells me will heal my heart.

But, I cannot, for I know that Marsha is a liar.

My choices last night have not weighed me down in shame. I feel like I should maybe clarify (though it's nunya biznez) that what I chose to watch was a television show that some in this world would quickly define as non-pornography. And it wasn't a "porn video," as far as what we think of those as. And I'm not even calling it a slip. But it was a rotten choice, and it was my choice. a choice that I made. And it was crap. Trash. Despicable, A terrible choice, to be sure. I'm going to tell you that owning it as a choice - MY choice - has been liberating. Identifying it as a choice means that I take accountability (which feels really good!!) and it also means that I separate it from my worth. It was a choice, not a whole-character definition. Also, it means that in the future, I can make better choices- because I have that power.

While I am not shaming myself, I am disappointed in myself on a grand scale. How could I make a choice that I know separates me from Jesus? I know better than this; I really do. I was swept up in a moment of weakness, and I made a mistake. I regret the mistake. But I will not dwell in it. Forsaking a sin means leaving it alone. I'm going to leave this one alone. I'm going to repent and come out of it, and leave it there. I don't want to carry it with me. I don't want to hold it over my head. I just want to leave it there and take God's hand instead. I'm sorry I made this mistake, and I wish I hadn't. I'm also so grateful that because of the Atonement, I can make another choice. I can choose to be made new, and to progress. I can choose to learn from this and rise as quickly as I can. And that is my choice, now. My choices last night were very bad choices, but I don't have to let that propel me into a series of further poor choices like I would have in the recent past. I can make the good choice and turn back to God.

What a gift it is to choose! I choose repentance. I choose eternity. I choose hope, forgiveness, and accepting the grace of my Jesus.