I know this is a strange description, but I feel like a balloon is inside my chest, and it has expanded my soul and lightened the burden of my heart. I am so grateful.
Tender mercies this week are many. God is in the details! I'm amazed as I look back and see how He has been at work with me, at home, everywhere I go.
But, mostly, I am grateful for the Hope he feeds me. The more I do to follow Him, the more hope he gives to me. He shows me that the path I am cautiously walking is a safe path. When I trust Him, He shows me that I CAN trust Him. He encourages me! He reminds me that He is there and will answer my prayers! The more I pray, the more I feel Him when I pray. He is here! He is my Father, and He is with me.
This is an enormous tender mercy. I love that He is so willing to be in my life as I allow Him in my life. I think this is what it feels like to have the Holy Spirit as a constant companion. I never really thought that promise could be so real. I hear whisperings all through the day, and not just "promptings" of service, but sweet, beautiful reminders, like "You are a daughter of God." "You can do this." "God is with you, you can conquer this temptation." "God knows your struggles, even seemingly insignificant ones like this." "Your Sunday is coming." "It will get better!" "Everything will be okay."
This is my new coping method. The Spirit. I would rather have the Spirit with me at all times than have a moment of empty "pleasure" which will NOT follow through with its promises. I don't need drugs if I'm coping with the Spirit. I don't need to run when I have the Spirit of God encouraging me and whispering that I can face this giant because God is my Father!
You know, I realize now that I am not recovering from addiction. I am recovering from a false set of beliefs. I'm recovering from a lifestyle of sin and despair. I'm recovering from a destructive way of being. I cannot only recover from pornography and masturbation, because they are inseparably connected to my former way of living. As I focus on recovery from my addictions, I learn that other behaviors that aren't in harmony with God's word are also becoming a thing of the past. It's all connected! I cannot ultimately correct my addict behavior without correcting a plethora of other false behaviors. And I think that's wonderful!
I received a prompting that was, specifically, "Don't watch Dr. Phil anymore." Okay. This is probably a tender mercy because perhaps down the road it would have triggered me. And so, I will trust His word, and stop recording the show.
I'm getting better at hearing that Voice-- a result of focused recovery from a natural man lifestyle.
Before I was actively engaged in recovery, I believed that life was painful/hard/sorrowful/dismal as a default, and that moments of joy and happiness were interspersed throughout. And when I was feeling good, I would tell myself that this period of joy would soon end, because life's default is pain and misery. That's how I saw it. Now, God has changed my perspective. He has helped me to see that life is beautiful/joyful/enjoyable as a default, with moments of trial, despair and sorrow interspersed. And now, when I'm experiencing a hardship of life, I tell myself that this period of sorrow will end soon, because life's default is joy and beauty. What a better way to live life! What a gift from God, my loving Father.
As I adapt to His timetable, He lightens my burdens.
You know, I still have a long way to go. I am not where I want to be, yet. But I am so much better off than I have been, and I owe every inch of my progression to my Father and to my Savior. I made the decision to turn to face Them, and then they propelled me forward. My every little effort is reward ten fold, and I am encircled in the arms of safety.
I don't know if I'll slip again. I could. I might. I don't want to. I don't want to lose this Spirit. I want to remain worthy of the Sacrament so I can remain worthy of this constant companion.
This has been a stressful week! By that, I mean it has been filled with situations that could be stressful. But, I am trusting God! I am believing those whispers that say, when I'm about to panic in my mind, "Shhh. Everything will be fine." And I calm down and stop worrying! BECAUSE I KNOW HEAVENLY FATHER KEEPS HIS PROMISES!
That is the tender mercy of most significance that I received this week- a reward for my trust. A testimony based on personal experience that giving Him the reigns is what gets me to my destination in safety. He knows the way.
Given that stress is a trigger, in and of itself, I am extremely grateful that God would send me a message of calm and peace just before my brain panics. It's okay. Everything will be okay.
I am so thankful for His love. I cherish this gift of the Holy Ghost.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Blessings!
It's time to list some of this past week's tender mercies!
I have discovered a new kind of tender mercy, and that is other people's tender mercies. When I hear about miracles in other people's lives, I feel blessed. I am then reminded that God looks out for all of us, and I am amazed that He takes the time to give us tender mercies. People around me have been sharing their blessings, and I have been lifted by that.
I'll tell you my favorite tender mercy of the week. I'm a music teacher at an elementary school. I have one 1st grade class that just seems to hate music. What 6/7 year old hates music??!?! This class has been a challenge for me all year. They can never seem to get into the songs we're learning for our fast approaching Spring Concert. They are not as enthusiastic as the other classes in music. They don't listen to me. They never seem to want to sing, and the class just has this stuffy, muggy, dark feeling. It's the strangest thing. Well, because of this, they're behind in learning the songs. I was wondering how I could help them learn and so I prayed. "Heavenly Father, it's a detail in my life that doesn't have eternal consequences, I know. But, Mrs. _____'s first grade class doesn't like music, and it's always a chore to get through. Wilt thou help me to find a way to teach them so they'll want to learn? Please bless that they will enjoy this week's class."
I decided to reward them with candy if they did a good job. I have done similar things in the past. Nothing has worked. Well, when they came to class, I was excited. I believed God would come through for me. But, I never imagined it would have been as amazing at it was.
Not only did they pay attention, but they tried, really tried to learn the music. They were invested. They were enthusiastic about singing, as 1st graders should be! They sang like I have never heard them sing before. They almost fully caught up with the other 1st grade classes in that one day. It was beautiful. As they were singing their sweet little hearts out, I was humbled, so humbled, knowing that God sees the little things. He cares about me enough to care about what is important to me, even when it won't matter in the Eternities. I almost wept as those sweet kids belted "Tomorrow" (from Annie) as though they loved the song. I know it wasn't just my bribe of a sweet reward. It was my faithful petition to God to help with a little first grade class in Small Town, Idaho. Why would He do that for me? Why would He care about that? Why else but that He loves me so much, and wants me to be happy? He keeps His promises. He answers prayers. It was amazing.
Later last week, my sweet 9 year old, 3rd grade daughter cheated on her homework. Let me explain something about her: she is very intelligent. She is in the Gifted and Talented program, and just today scored at about a 9th grade level on a standardized state Language test. She didn't need to cheat. But she didn't finish her homework before it was due, so she decided she'd simply take the answers from her friend's completed homework sheets so she wouldn't have to do the work herself, or miss out on a grade. Needless to say, I was extremely disappointed, and a little surprised. We handled it and I am nearly certain she'll never do it again. Anyway, she was very upset when I found out. Crying and crying and crying, poor girl. I believe she was truly remorseful and does understand the gravity of her poor choice. On the way home from school (she is a student where I work), she continued to weep. I asked her if she knew that I loved her just the same as before. She said yes. I assured her that there is nothing she could ever do that would make me stop loving her.
When I told her that, the Spirit reminded me that my Father feels the same about me. I will never be separated from His love. And that was a tender and merciful reminder.
We had stake conference -- well, actually, it was a conference for all of Western Idaho and Robert D Hales was our main speaker, broadcasted from Salt Lake. It was pretty cool. I asked for God to reveal to me at stake conference an answer to a problem I faced. I chose to believe that He would. And He did.
He has been strengthening me daily. I have felt His presence all week; I know He's there. I look back and remember times when I didn't feel Him. Some of those times were because I was deep in sin, but not always. I'm so very grateful that now is not a time when I have to go without feeling the Spirit with me. I am learning to cherish that Spirit and I never want it to go again. I must do everything in my power to keep it with me!
Another tender mercy is I probably have one more piano student this week! I haven't worked out all the details with his mother, but it sounds like a go. GOD IS SO GOOD!
Another tender mercy is I was given strength to say no to Pepsi. For real. Right now, I'm at 17 days Pepsi-free! On Sunday, I found a bottle of Pepsi in my fridge, hiding under a bag of shredded cheese. When I saw it, I gasped! My first emotion was like "OH NO! Get this vile thing out my house!" but less than a second after, it was "OH YAY! I CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE THIS! I'll wait till the kids are in bed." It was just going to be one last time; one time couldn't hurt; I'm not hurting anyone anyway; it's just a Pepsi, not porn; this will be my last one for sure; I already bought it, I may as well not waste it; and etc. With the help of a tender mercy in the form of wise friends and a hard-working conscience, I dumped that sucker down the drain. I didn't drink a drop.
I know it's not the same thing, but that experience has honestly made me think that if I can say no to Pepsi that is in my fridge, I can do anything. I understand that porn and masturbation are bigger problems, but still.... it's an addiction. And I won a battle, which brought me a ton closer to winning the war.
I love how God is in the details of our lives. I love how He loves me and wants to bless me. I love you all! Thank you so much for reading.
I have discovered a new kind of tender mercy, and that is other people's tender mercies. When I hear about miracles in other people's lives, I feel blessed. I am then reminded that God looks out for all of us, and I am amazed that He takes the time to give us tender mercies. People around me have been sharing their blessings, and I have been lifted by that.
I'll tell you my favorite tender mercy of the week. I'm a music teacher at an elementary school. I have one 1st grade class that just seems to hate music. What 6/7 year old hates music??!?! This class has been a challenge for me all year. They can never seem to get into the songs we're learning for our fast approaching Spring Concert. They are not as enthusiastic as the other classes in music. They don't listen to me. They never seem to want to sing, and the class just has this stuffy, muggy, dark feeling. It's the strangest thing. Well, because of this, they're behind in learning the songs. I was wondering how I could help them learn and so I prayed. "Heavenly Father, it's a detail in my life that doesn't have eternal consequences, I know. But, Mrs. _____'s first grade class doesn't like music, and it's always a chore to get through. Wilt thou help me to find a way to teach them so they'll want to learn? Please bless that they will enjoy this week's class."
I decided to reward them with candy if they did a good job. I have done similar things in the past. Nothing has worked. Well, when they came to class, I was excited. I believed God would come through for me. But, I never imagined it would have been as amazing at it was.
Not only did they pay attention, but they tried, really tried to learn the music. They were invested. They were enthusiastic about singing, as 1st graders should be! They sang like I have never heard them sing before. They almost fully caught up with the other 1st grade classes in that one day. It was beautiful. As they were singing their sweet little hearts out, I was humbled, so humbled, knowing that God sees the little things. He cares about me enough to care about what is important to me, even when it won't matter in the Eternities. I almost wept as those sweet kids belted "Tomorrow" (from Annie) as though they loved the song. I know it wasn't just my bribe of a sweet reward. It was my faithful petition to God to help with a little first grade class in Small Town, Idaho. Why would He do that for me? Why would He care about that? Why else but that He loves me so much, and wants me to be happy? He keeps His promises. He answers prayers. It was amazing.
Later last week, my sweet 9 year old, 3rd grade daughter cheated on her homework. Let me explain something about her: she is very intelligent. She is in the Gifted and Talented program, and just today scored at about a 9th grade level on a standardized state Language test. She didn't need to cheat. But she didn't finish her homework before it was due, so she decided she'd simply take the answers from her friend's completed homework sheets so she wouldn't have to do the work herself, or miss out on a grade. Needless to say, I was extremely disappointed, and a little surprised. We handled it and I am nearly certain she'll never do it again. Anyway, she was very upset when I found out. Crying and crying and crying, poor girl. I believe she was truly remorseful and does understand the gravity of her poor choice. On the way home from school (she is a student where I work), she continued to weep. I asked her if she knew that I loved her just the same as before. She said yes. I assured her that there is nothing she could ever do that would make me stop loving her.
When I told her that, the Spirit reminded me that my Father feels the same about me. I will never be separated from His love. And that was a tender and merciful reminder.
We had stake conference -- well, actually, it was a conference for all of Western Idaho and Robert D Hales was our main speaker, broadcasted from Salt Lake. It was pretty cool. I asked for God to reveal to me at stake conference an answer to a problem I faced. I chose to believe that He would. And He did.
He has been strengthening me daily. I have felt His presence all week; I know He's there. I look back and remember times when I didn't feel Him. Some of those times were because I was deep in sin, but not always. I'm so very grateful that now is not a time when I have to go without feeling the Spirit with me. I am learning to cherish that Spirit and I never want it to go again. I must do everything in my power to keep it with me!
Another tender mercy is I probably have one more piano student this week! I haven't worked out all the details with his mother, but it sounds like a go. GOD IS SO GOOD!
Another tender mercy is I was given strength to say no to Pepsi. For real. Right now, I'm at 17 days Pepsi-free! On Sunday, I found a bottle of Pepsi in my fridge, hiding under a bag of shredded cheese. When I saw it, I gasped! My first emotion was like "OH NO! Get this vile thing out my house!" but less than a second after, it was "OH YAY! I CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE THIS! I'll wait till the kids are in bed." It was just going to be one last time; one time couldn't hurt; I'm not hurting anyone anyway; it's just a Pepsi, not porn; this will be my last one for sure; I already bought it, I may as well not waste it; and etc. With the help of a tender mercy in the form of wise friends and a hard-working conscience, I dumped that sucker down the drain. I didn't drink a drop.
I know it's not the same thing, but that experience has honestly made me think that if I can say no to Pepsi that is in my fridge, I can do anything. I understand that porn and masturbation are bigger problems, but still.... it's an addiction. And I won a battle, which brought me a ton closer to winning the war.
I love how God is in the details of our lives. I love how He loves me and wants to bless me. I love you all! Thank you so much for reading.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Benefits of Recovery
In four months, I've had 2 "slips." That's pretty good. To me, it's a byproduct of recovery; not the sole indicator of recovery. I have been in some sort of recovery mode for many years. I have been honestly trying to overcome ever since I was 16. That was 16 years ago! It's been a rough 16 years, and I have learned so much.
My recovery sped when I felt more support around me. It was like I was stuck until I found someone who could understand. And now I know many someones who understand, and it's so empowering! I have been working harder all the time, and I'm very happy to report that it shows in my life.
~I'm happier. I mean, I'm happy. I'm happy!!
~I am a better mother. I have discovered that I'm more connected with my kids. I'm more willing to listen to them and play with them and parent them. I'm not constantly distracted by sexual thoughts and sins. I had no idea that it was taking me from my family so much!
~The fog is dissipating. My days aren't dark and murky anymore.
~When I have a rough day, I bounce back so much more quickly than I used to.
~I feel the Spirit! I feel the Spirit guide my thoughts and warn me and comfort me. It's wonderful!
~I am more faithful.
~I have more energy to do righteous things. One example (of many) is that scripture reading is no longer a chore to me. I still read mostly just to get through, but it's not something I do with dread anymore. I am almost to the point where I look forward to scripture time. I also hold FHE more regularly.
~I know I can overcome all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
~I forgive myself more readily and I am patient with myself.
~I am coming out of hiding. I have courage to answer phone calls from strange numbers!
~I have more friends, and I enjoy them more.
~I enjoy everything more!!
I always figured that somewhere in me was a naturally cheery, happy person. I am finding her. I am finding me. I love this journey. I love myself. I know that I have worth that is fixed and unalterable; I cannot change it by thought or deed. God loves me and He is taking all the time I need to rescue me.
Life is incredible, especially now that I'm living it rather than hiding from it! Well.... I still have a ways to go. But, I'm not hiding as much as before, and I'm living much more than before. Look at me! Look at what God can do to a wounded, deathly ill soul! Look what God can create with a broken heart and a contrite spirit! I can't wait to see who I become as I offer Him more and more of my heart.
My recovery sped when I felt more support around me. It was like I was stuck until I found someone who could understand. And now I know many someones who understand, and it's so empowering! I have been working harder all the time, and I'm very happy to report that it shows in my life.
~I'm happier. I mean, I'm happy. I'm happy!!
~I am a better mother. I have discovered that I'm more connected with my kids. I'm more willing to listen to them and play with them and parent them. I'm not constantly distracted by sexual thoughts and sins. I had no idea that it was taking me from my family so much!
~The fog is dissipating. My days aren't dark and murky anymore.
~When I have a rough day, I bounce back so much more quickly than I used to.
~I feel the Spirit! I feel the Spirit guide my thoughts and warn me and comfort me. It's wonderful!
~I am more faithful.
~I have more energy to do righteous things. One example (of many) is that scripture reading is no longer a chore to me. I still read mostly just to get through, but it's not something I do with dread anymore. I am almost to the point where I look forward to scripture time. I also hold FHE more regularly.
~I know I can overcome all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
~I forgive myself more readily and I am patient with myself.
~I am coming out of hiding. I have courage to answer phone calls from strange numbers!
~I have more friends, and I enjoy them more.
~I enjoy everything more!!
I always figured that somewhere in me was a naturally cheery, happy person. I am finding her. I am finding me. I love this journey. I love myself. I know that I have worth that is fixed and unalterable; I cannot change it by thought or deed. God loves me and He is taking all the time I need to rescue me.
Life is incredible, especially now that I'm living it rather than hiding from it! Well.... I still have a ways to go. But, I'm not hiding as much as before, and I'm living much more than before. Look at me! Look at what God can do to a wounded, deathly ill soul! Look what God can create with a broken heart and a contrite spirit! I can't wait to see who I become as I offer Him more and more of my heart.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
My Sacred Duty
I love to see the temple.
I'm going there someday
To feel the Holy Spirit,
To listen and to pray.
For the temple is a house of God,
A place of love and beauty.
I'll prepare myself while I am young;
This is my sacred duty.
I am not a primary child anymore. I am not "young," as the song talks about young. But, I do believe that preparing for the temple is my sacred duty.
I went there yesterday. It was bittersweet. I couldn't go beyond the reception desk to see my sister become her husband's wife for eternity. I waited in the waiting room with their four children.
I missed my sister's sealing. She's been married for a year (both were divorced and both had 2 kids from their previous marriages). They had to wait for First Presidency clearance and cancellation of my sister's first sealing before they could get sealed and it finally came and now they are eternal. And I missed my sister's sealing.
There's really no good excuse for that! Being unworthy to attend my sister's sealing was harrowing. And, if I hadn't slipped the past two times, I could have been there.
On the other hand, thank goodness I told my family about this. If I hadn't, what would I have said? Nothing would have been a good enough reason. You don't just skip out on your sister's sealing when it's in your nearest temple, you know? If you're sick, you go. If you're working, you get the day off. If you have plans, you cancel them. If your temple recommend is expired, you get it renewed. You don't just miss your sister's sealing. Unless, of course, you're unworthy because of choices you've insisted on making.
Because I wasn't going to the sealing, I was available to take care of their kids. I would have done anything for them to get them to the temple. If I can't go, then I'll help someone go. My sister dropped them off very early yesterday morning and dropped off her van and she and her husband took my little car (that wouldn't have fit all her kids) to the temple. As per my instructions, I and her children (mine are with their dad this weekend) left for the temple about an hour later. It's been so long since I have even parked in that lot. I was nervous, somehow.
The Boise temple was closed for a long time- a year I think- for remodeling recently. It opened again about six months ago, I think. Now, instead of gray, it's white. And it's beautiful. I haven't been since a while before it closed. That's such a long time.
As I walked with the four kids into its beautiful doors, I felt bold determination that I would never let this happen again. I will never miss a family temple event again. I will be there for every sealing from now on. I have three siblings left who haven't been married yet, and I will not miss their sealings. We sat a short while in the new waiting room. We got there just moments before my family came in after the sealing. Then we went outside and took pictures.
There were some friends there who doubtlessly wondered why I was in the waiting room and not the sealing room. But they were kind to me and didn't ask any questions. If they had, I had an answer or two prepared. I would have been honest. I'm sick of lying. I would have said something like "I'm temporarily unworthy, but I'm working on it." or "I've had some spiritual setbacks that I'm overcoming right now."
The temple is beautiful and sacred and home. I can't wait to go back. I'm going back. I wish I could have been there for my sister, but I'm grateful that I was still able to help her in some way. I'm grateful for the opportunity I had to go into the temple, even if it was just in the waiting room. Even there, the spirit lingers. Even there, peace abounds. It was a good reminder to me of why I love the temple so much.
It is my duty to prepare to again do work within its walls. That's what I'm doing now. Preparing. Repenting. Learning. I will go. I will do my part to save my family. God will give me strength to break these bands of addiction, as he gave Nephi strength to break the bands on the ship, if I ask in faith, as Nephi asked in faith.
Friends, here is what I have come to know in the past months:
I know the Atonement is for me. I know the Atonement is so encompassing that it permeates every part of my life. It is there, and I only have to use it. I know that Jesus' sacrifice can enable me to do things that I could never do alone. I know the Atonement redeems me. Not will redeem me, after I'm dead, but redeems me every day. Jesus is my rescuer, my shepherd who has come after me, the lost sheep, in the dark wolf-infested night. Finally, I am going back with Him, back to His fold. Finally, I am trusting His call. I know that with His grace, I can become free! And.... I know, that with His grace, I will become free.
How I love Him. How I love my God, my Father, who is good and kind and merciful. I know He is pleased with my efforts and I believe that He focuses more on my efforts than He does on my failures, and so should I. How I love the Holy Ghost, which inspires me to keep going, which reminds me that I am worth every saving grace, which helps me to think in positive terms so I don't get weighed down by the negative. I have God, I have my Jesus, I have the Holy Ghost-- how can I fail? They will help me with my sacred duty.
(I dunno why this image is so huge)
I'm going there someday
To feel the Holy Spirit,
To listen and to pray.
For the temple is a house of God,
A place of love and beauty.
I'll prepare myself while I am young;
This is my sacred duty.
I am not a primary child anymore. I am not "young," as the song talks about young. But, I do believe that preparing for the temple is my sacred duty.
I went there yesterday. It was bittersweet. I couldn't go beyond the reception desk to see my sister become her husband's wife for eternity. I waited in the waiting room with their four children.
I missed my sister's sealing. She's been married for a year (both were divorced and both had 2 kids from their previous marriages). They had to wait for First Presidency clearance and cancellation of my sister's first sealing before they could get sealed and it finally came and now they are eternal. And I missed my sister's sealing.
There's really no good excuse for that! Being unworthy to attend my sister's sealing was harrowing. And, if I hadn't slipped the past two times, I could have been there.
On the other hand, thank goodness I told my family about this. If I hadn't, what would I have said? Nothing would have been a good enough reason. You don't just skip out on your sister's sealing when it's in your nearest temple, you know? If you're sick, you go. If you're working, you get the day off. If you have plans, you cancel them. If your temple recommend is expired, you get it renewed. You don't just miss your sister's sealing. Unless, of course, you're unworthy because of choices you've insisted on making.
Because I wasn't going to the sealing, I was available to take care of their kids. I would have done anything for them to get them to the temple. If I can't go, then I'll help someone go. My sister dropped them off very early yesterday morning and dropped off her van and she and her husband took my little car (that wouldn't have fit all her kids) to the temple. As per my instructions, I and her children (mine are with their dad this weekend) left for the temple about an hour later. It's been so long since I have even parked in that lot. I was nervous, somehow.
The Boise temple was closed for a long time- a year I think- for remodeling recently. It opened again about six months ago, I think. Now, instead of gray, it's white. And it's beautiful. I haven't been since a while before it closed. That's such a long time.
As I walked with the four kids into its beautiful doors, I felt bold determination that I would never let this happen again. I will never miss a family temple event again. I will be there for every sealing from now on. I have three siblings left who haven't been married yet, and I will not miss their sealings. We sat a short while in the new waiting room. We got there just moments before my family came in after the sealing. Then we went outside and took pictures.
There were some friends there who doubtlessly wondered why I was in the waiting room and not the sealing room. But they were kind to me and didn't ask any questions. If they had, I had an answer or two prepared. I would have been honest. I'm sick of lying. I would have said something like "I'm temporarily unworthy, but I'm working on it." or "I've had some spiritual setbacks that I'm overcoming right now."
The temple is beautiful and sacred and home. I can't wait to go back. I'm going back. I wish I could have been there for my sister, but I'm grateful that I was still able to help her in some way. I'm grateful for the opportunity I had to go into the temple, even if it was just in the waiting room. Even there, the spirit lingers. Even there, peace abounds. It was a good reminder to me of why I love the temple so much.
It is my duty to prepare to again do work within its walls. That's what I'm doing now. Preparing. Repenting. Learning. I will go. I will do my part to save my family. God will give me strength to break these bands of addiction, as he gave Nephi strength to break the bands on the ship, if I ask in faith, as Nephi asked in faith.
Friends, here is what I have come to know in the past months:
I know the Atonement is for me. I know the Atonement is so encompassing that it permeates every part of my life. It is there, and I only have to use it. I know that Jesus' sacrifice can enable me to do things that I could never do alone. I know the Atonement redeems me. Not will redeem me, after I'm dead, but redeems me every day. Jesus is my rescuer, my shepherd who has come after me, the lost sheep, in the dark wolf-infested night. Finally, I am going back with Him, back to His fold. Finally, I am trusting His call. I know that with His grace, I can become free! And.... I know, that with His grace, I will become free.
How I love Him. How I love my God, my Father, who is good and kind and merciful. I know He is pleased with my efforts and I believe that He focuses more on my efforts than He does on my failures, and so should I. How I love the Holy Ghost, which inspires me to keep going, which reminds me that I am worth every saving grace, which helps me to think in positive terms so I don't get weighed down by the negative. I have God, I have my Jesus, I have the Holy Ghost-- how can I fail? They will help me with my sacred duty.
(I dunno why this image is so huge)
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Tender Mercies Tuesday
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Proverbs 3:5
Today at my ARP meeting, I had this idea to begin a Tender Mercies Tuesday theme on my blog, wherein I would write about the tender mercies of my life in from the past week. It was a very specific idea, and since it might be a prompting, Ima do it. Besides, it's not a bad idea.
The verse above promises that if we acknowledge Him, He'll direct our paths. If anyone needs direction, I do, so I am hopeful and faithful that by taking the time to acknowledge His hand in my life, He will direct my paths.
I'm starting now. I imagine that going forward, I will take notes of tender mercies as they come, and that I'll see more and more of them as I seek them. However, for today, I haven't had the benefit of a week to plan, so we'll see how far I can get.
Well, let's see... PASG meeting! Total tender mercy in and of itself. What a blessing it is to have these meetings as a tool in my life to help me heal and come closer to my Savior. Also, tonight we had three women (including me) at the meeting! It's an answer to my prayers that more women will find the meeting. It was so wonderful.
Um, what else. Well last week I had strep throat. I never get sick, so it was a shock. My home teacher knocked on my door a few hours after the strep test at the clinic showed positive. "I heard you weren't feeling well," he said. I don't know who told him. I had complained about it on Facebook but I'm not a FB friend with him. Anyway, what matters is that once he found out, he stopped by. What a tender mercy! He offered to come back with another Priesthood holder the next day and give me a blessing. And he followed through with that. With the help of the Priesthood, prayer, and antibiotics, I recovered very quickly.
What else has God done for me over the past week....?
Oh! I got two new piano students!! I am just getting back into teaching piano lessons, and right now it's a financial need. My wages are pathetic and simply not enough to support a family on. In fact, I don't think I make enough to support one person, let alone three. I have been blessed through tax returns, but before that, I was drowning in bills. Well, tax returns are running out. I needed an intervention. I had one piano student-- yep, one-- and I needed more. I've been advertising for months, and praying for more students. And, out of the blue, a woman I knew over a decade ago, when we were Laurels, contacted me and said she heard I taught piano. I met with her and her two kids today, and they'll start next week.
Oh, and speaking of financial tender mercies-- I got a letter from my previous employer telling me that additional money had been added to my 401k. What? Why does that happen? Well, it's not a whole lot, but after I cash it out, it'll be just enough for a mortgage payment.
All week, God has given me strength to say no to Pepsi. In fact, if last week hadn't started out with Strep, I probably would have been drinking Pepsi all week again. I had no desire for sugar down my throat when I was sick, though, and those two days of misery were enough to jump start me to a Pepsi-free week. Nine days now..... phew....! So... Strep was a tender mercy? Maybe!
My daily health is a tender mercy. How grateful I am for it.
Today I realized with great panic that my son's Humpty Dumpty Derby is Thursday. It's like the Pinewood Derby, and is in place of the Pinewood Derby. It's my boy's first derby ever and of course I want him to participate. But... I don't know the first thing about making a car!! I am sure I don't have the tools either. I don't even have paint. I was feeling all shades of upset, including resentful to a father figure that doesn't exist in my son's life-- at least not for this kind of thing. I was feeling resentful to the Cub Scout Program for giving me a block of wood and letting me go free w/o vast instruction and help! haha. I was feeling resentful to myself for not knowing how and for now wanting to. I mentioned something on FB (I love Facebook! What a tool for service it can be!) and my dear, dear friend, who is a brother to me, offered, just offered to help. And he offered in a way that made me feel like I wasn't a burden, like he was genuinely happy to help my son build his car. And I think he is. And I feel like God led me to wonderful people like this so that I wouldn't be overwhelmed all the time trying to raise my sweet kids alone. I love Him for it.
I have to go to bed now. I know I was blessed more than this but this is a pretty good week. Wow. I am loved. I am loved by an all powerful, all knowing GOD, who is my Father.
Proverbs 3:5
Today at my ARP meeting, I had this idea to begin a Tender Mercies Tuesday theme on my blog, wherein I would write about the tender mercies of my life in from the past week. It was a very specific idea, and since it might be a prompting, Ima do it. Besides, it's not a bad idea.
The verse above promises that if we acknowledge Him, He'll direct our paths. If anyone needs direction, I do, so I am hopeful and faithful that by taking the time to acknowledge His hand in my life, He will direct my paths.
I'm starting now. I imagine that going forward, I will take notes of tender mercies as they come, and that I'll see more and more of them as I seek them. However, for today, I haven't had the benefit of a week to plan, so we'll see how far I can get.
Well, let's see... PASG meeting! Total tender mercy in and of itself. What a blessing it is to have these meetings as a tool in my life to help me heal and come closer to my Savior. Also, tonight we had three women (including me) at the meeting! It's an answer to my prayers that more women will find the meeting. It was so wonderful.
Um, what else. Well last week I had strep throat. I never get sick, so it was a shock. My home teacher knocked on my door a few hours after the strep test at the clinic showed positive. "I heard you weren't feeling well," he said. I don't know who told him. I had complained about it on Facebook but I'm not a FB friend with him. Anyway, what matters is that once he found out, he stopped by. What a tender mercy! He offered to come back with another Priesthood holder the next day and give me a blessing. And he followed through with that. With the help of the Priesthood, prayer, and antibiotics, I recovered very quickly.
What else has God done for me over the past week....?
Oh! I got two new piano students!! I am just getting back into teaching piano lessons, and right now it's a financial need. My wages are pathetic and simply not enough to support a family on. In fact, I don't think I make enough to support one person, let alone three. I have been blessed through tax returns, but before that, I was drowning in bills. Well, tax returns are running out. I needed an intervention. I had one piano student-- yep, one-- and I needed more. I've been advertising for months, and praying for more students. And, out of the blue, a woman I knew over a decade ago, when we were Laurels, contacted me and said she heard I taught piano. I met with her and her two kids today, and they'll start next week.
Oh, and speaking of financial tender mercies-- I got a letter from my previous employer telling me that additional money had been added to my 401k. What? Why does that happen? Well, it's not a whole lot, but after I cash it out, it'll be just enough for a mortgage payment.
All week, God has given me strength to say no to Pepsi. In fact, if last week hadn't started out with Strep, I probably would have been drinking Pepsi all week again. I had no desire for sugar down my throat when I was sick, though, and those two days of misery were enough to jump start me to a Pepsi-free week. Nine days now..... phew....! So... Strep was a tender mercy? Maybe!
My daily health is a tender mercy. How grateful I am for it.
Today I realized with great panic that my son's Humpty Dumpty Derby is Thursday. It's like the Pinewood Derby, and is in place of the Pinewood Derby. It's my boy's first derby ever and of course I want him to participate. But... I don't know the first thing about making a car!! I am sure I don't have the tools either. I don't even have paint. I was feeling all shades of upset, including resentful to a father figure that doesn't exist in my son's life-- at least not for this kind of thing. I was feeling resentful to the Cub Scout Program for giving me a block of wood and letting me go free w/o vast instruction and help! haha. I was feeling resentful to myself for not knowing how and for now wanting to. I mentioned something on FB (I love Facebook! What a tool for service it can be!) and my dear, dear friend, who is a brother to me, offered, just offered to help. And he offered in a way that made me feel like I wasn't a burden, like he was genuinely happy to help my son build his car. And I think he is. And I feel like God led me to wonderful people like this so that I wouldn't be overwhelmed all the time trying to raise my sweet kids alone. I love Him for it.
I have to go to bed now. I know I was blessed more than this but this is a pretty good week. Wow. I am loved. I am loved by an all powerful, all knowing GOD, who is my Father.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
More Than I Can Handle
You know that phrase that is popular in the church, something like "The Lord won't give you more than you can handle?" There are other variations- "The Lord won't give you heavier burdens than what you can bear." "We aren't given anything we can't bear." "The Lord won't give you more trials than you're able to handle." I don't know if this is from a scripture or not. I know the scripture about always being given a way out of a temptation, which is similar. You know, this one:
"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."
1 Corinthians 10:13
But that, while important, is different than the idiom of not having trials too big to bear. And I have taken issue with it. I have been in the midst of trials that seem much too big for me, and I have cried out "I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE! I cannot bear this burden. It is too heavy." and I really believed that at the time, and I tell you what, if anyone told me "Don't worry, God doesn't give you more than you can handle" in such moments, I would have had to resist urges of violence. It implies that every trial I encounter, I encounter because I am strong enough for it, so if I feel too weak, then there must be something terribly wrong with me.
After some thought, I have decided that I disagree. Before my ex left me for another woman, I did not have the strength to bear the pain of that betrayal. Before I was a single mom, I did not have the strength to be one. No, strength came through God's grace, and because of the circumstances at hand. For two years, sometime following my divorce, I faced extreme financial hardships. For two years straight. I also faced other extreme hardships in that timeframe, including a very expensive and exhausting custody battle of sorts. It was a most trying time and I did not endure it well, and I was not strong enough to endure it at all. I succumbed to a dark depression and it's possible that the antidepressants I finally surrendered to saved my life. Every morning, I woke to thoughts of ways to end my life. Like the thoughts were there, just waiting for me to wake up so I would think them. And I was not strong enough.
However. I did survive. I did make it through. Is that what it means, that if you make it through this trial alive, you're strong enough to bear it? So what people really mean is "If you don't die in this trial, it's because God kept His word and didn't give you more than you can handle?" So, does "more than you can handle" really mean "unto death?" Don't worry, God won't try you unto death. Yeah, that's comforting. And I don't think that's what people mean when they say it anyway. They mean that we're strong enough to hopefully bear all things that come our way. And even though I wasn't strong enough to bear some of my trials with cheer or any degree of relief or more than just a little bit of dim hope, I did make it through. The trials ended. And I now look back on them with great fondness. I cherish those horrible experiences!
I thank God now for those trials because of how they broke me down and humbled me and taught me that He will take care of me no matter what. They taught me that I can trust Him. But, though I am grateful for the trials, for all trials of my past and present, though I see reason and wisdom in them, I still think that I wasn't strong enough to bear them . . . alone. Indeed, without God, I would not have made it through them with my faith intact.
And so, I think the phrase begs for modification. The Lord will not permit any trial to overcome us that we cannot bear without Him.
Trust. Surrender. Faith and hope. That two year trial I had taught me to trust. I still have trust issues, particularly with my addiction! But now when a trial of circumstance comes upon me, I remind myself that God sees me, knows me, hears me, and will carry me through if I let Him. And so I hand over the controls and believe with all my heart that this trial won't last forever, that it, too, will pass, and that I needn't worry or fear, not even for a moment.
So, Stephanie, apply that to this addiction! This doesn't have to be a life sentence. I can trust God and conquer! I made some very specific promises to my Father today during the Sacrament and I intend to keep them. It's strange because I know I can't keep them without His help. I need Him to help me keep the promises I made Him! It doesn't seem very fair, but I know that He knows I need Him, and that He is standing by waiting for me to ask.
This addiction is too big for me. It is more than I can handle. Way more. I cannot bear it alone, but I don't have to.
D&C 58:4- For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.
"While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." Joseph B Wirthlin
"Every man and woman who serves the Lord, no matter how faithful they may be, have their dark hours; but if they have lived faithfully, light will burst upon them and relief will be furnished." Lorenzo Snow
****Update****
OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot believe what I just did! I copy-and-pasted this very post onto my personal non-addiction-life blog. I edited it so that it didn't say a word about my addiction. Then I published it. But it didn't publish. Wordpress was being really weird. So I went to find the post, and found it in my drafts, and then I published it. Only, it was the original copy-and-paste, and totally said exactly what this post says about my addiction and I didn't catch it till three people had already commented on it and now I kinda want to die especially since one of the people who read it is this guy I've had a crush on forever. Are you kidding me?!
I am laughing at myself because this is funny. I'm also crying. AAAAAaaagggghhhhahahahaha!
"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."
1 Corinthians 10:13
But that, while important, is different than the idiom of not having trials too big to bear. And I have taken issue with it. I have been in the midst of trials that seem much too big for me, and I have cried out "I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE! I cannot bear this burden. It is too heavy." and I really believed that at the time, and I tell you what, if anyone told me "Don't worry, God doesn't give you more than you can handle" in such moments, I would have had to resist urges of violence. It implies that every trial I encounter, I encounter because I am strong enough for it, so if I feel too weak, then there must be something terribly wrong with me.
After some thought, I have decided that I disagree. Before my ex left me for another woman, I did not have the strength to bear the pain of that betrayal. Before I was a single mom, I did not have the strength to be one. No, strength came through God's grace, and because of the circumstances at hand. For two years, sometime following my divorce, I faced extreme financial hardships. For two years straight. I also faced other extreme hardships in that timeframe, including a very expensive and exhausting custody battle of sorts. It was a most trying time and I did not endure it well, and I was not strong enough to endure it at all. I succumbed to a dark depression and it's possible that the antidepressants I finally surrendered to saved my life. Every morning, I woke to thoughts of ways to end my life. Like the thoughts were there, just waiting for me to wake up so I would think them. And I was not strong enough.
However. I did survive. I did make it through. Is that what it means, that if you make it through this trial alive, you're strong enough to bear it? So what people really mean is "If you don't die in this trial, it's because God kept His word and didn't give you more than you can handle?" So, does "more than you can handle" really mean "unto death?" Don't worry, God won't try you unto death. Yeah, that's comforting. And I don't think that's what people mean when they say it anyway. They mean that we're strong enough to hopefully bear all things that come our way. And even though I wasn't strong enough to bear some of my trials with cheer or any degree of relief or more than just a little bit of dim hope, I did make it through. The trials ended. And I now look back on them with great fondness. I cherish those horrible experiences!
I thank God now for those trials because of how they broke me down and humbled me and taught me that He will take care of me no matter what. They taught me that I can trust Him. But, though I am grateful for the trials, for all trials of my past and present, though I see reason and wisdom in them, I still think that I wasn't strong enough to bear them . . . alone. Indeed, without God, I would not have made it through them with my faith intact.
And so, I think the phrase begs for modification. The Lord will not permit any trial to overcome us that we cannot bear without Him.
Trust. Surrender. Faith and hope. That two year trial I had taught me to trust. I still have trust issues, particularly with my addiction! But now when a trial of circumstance comes upon me, I remind myself that God sees me, knows me, hears me, and will carry me through if I let Him. And so I hand over the controls and believe with all my heart that this trial won't last forever, that it, too, will pass, and that I needn't worry or fear, not even for a moment.
So, Stephanie, apply that to this addiction! This doesn't have to be a life sentence. I can trust God and conquer! I made some very specific promises to my Father today during the Sacrament and I intend to keep them. It's strange because I know I can't keep them without His help. I need Him to help me keep the promises I made Him! It doesn't seem very fair, but I know that He knows I need Him, and that He is standing by waiting for me to ask.
This addiction is too big for me. It is more than I can handle. Way more. I cannot bear it alone, but I don't have to.
D&C 58:4- For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.
"While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." Joseph B Wirthlin
"Every man and woman who serves the Lord, no matter how faithful they may be, have their dark hours; but if they have lived faithfully, light will burst upon them and relief will be furnished." Lorenzo Snow
****Update****
OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot believe what I just did! I copy-and-pasted this very post onto my personal non-addiction-life blog. I edited it so that it didn't say a word about my addiction. Then I published it. But it didn't publish. Wordpress was being really weird. So I went to find the post, and found it in my drafts, and then I published it. Only, it was the original copy-and-paste, and totally said exactly what this post says about my addiction and I didn't catch it till three people had already commented on it and now I kinda want to die especially since one of the people who read it is this guy I've had a crush on forever. Are you kidding me?!
I am laughing at myself because this is funny. I'm also crying. AAAAAaaagggghhhhahahahaha!
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Beautiful Guilt
How about them Conference talks, eh? I am enlightened and encouraged! How I love General Conference!
Last Sunday in Gospel Doctrine, the teacher played a video. Try as I might, I can't find the video online, though I'm sure it's around. It was a video of some women LDS general leaders (can't remember which ones) talking to other women of the Church about mothering. This is the type of video I would expect to see in Relief Society, but it was in our 5th Sunday combined lesson.
Anyway, one of the women was a single mom. They were talking about fathers and the Priesthood, and the single mom asked how she can teach her children and raise them up with the Priesthood without a father in the home (she was a widow, not a divorcee). These kinds of conversations are often difficult for me because I do desperately want my children to see what a happy marriage looks like, and I do so desperately want them to know what it's like to have the Priesthood power in the home constantly. And these kinds of discussions often remind me of my loneliness. But they also give me hope, so much hope. So I can handle lessons like this. However. When the single mom asked that question, one of the Church Leader women reached over and touched the single mom's arm and said, "You're already doing it! You're keeping your covenants!"
A thousand tiny, sharp needles impaled my heart at that very moment. I'm not one to shed tears in public settings, but they were instant. I bent over, hoping to hide my suddenly wet face from people near me. Oh, the guilt! I was not keeping my covenants! My children, therefore, were suffering. Because of me. Because I wasn't keeping my covenants, I was depriving them of valuable lessons, of best example, of peace in the home. I am a single mom and I cannot afford to expose my children to evil by failing to keep my covenants. They already have a significant challenge, having a father who was unfaithful to his Priesthood, who now is against the church, and who now follows the traditions of the world. They already have a significant challenge living in a home without a Priesthood leader. The last thing they need is a mother who doesn't keep her covenants.
I couldn't stop weeping. Luckily, I am a very quiet weeper. My children need me to save them. My children need me to keep my covenants. My children need me to stop being so selfish. The guilt I felt was heavy and anxious.
But, there was something beautiful about that guilt. It wasn't shame-laden. It was almost encouraging. It prompted me to action, and to repentance. I could feel a huge difference from other types of guilt! It was a clean guilt. I knew it was from God. I knew He was speaking to me. It wasn't a dark, hopeless guilt. In fact, it occurred to me, that even though I am not currently a temple-recommend holder, I can still keep my covenants. That thought was also from God. Even if I cannot attend the temple today, I can keep my covenants today!
I can be a Covenant Keeper now. And even though I cannot enter the beautiful temple doors today, I still have the power to call blessings upon this home by keeping my covenants today.
See? That was a hopeful and lovely thought. Guilt that the adversary prescribes causes doubt and hopelessness. Sacred guilt gives solutions.
Even with the guilt that accosted me seemed to be an invitation to Come unto Him.
I am so grateful to a God who still sees me as worthy of redemption. Look how He still speaks to my soul and opens His arms in eager invitation!
Lord, I will follow Thee. I am coming.
Last Sunday in Gospel Doctrine, the teacher played a video. Try as I might, I can't find the video online, though I'm sure it's around. It was a video of some women LDS general leaders (can't remember which ones) talking to other women of the Church about mothering. This is the type of video I would expect to see in Relief Society, but it was in our 5th Sunday combined lesson.
Anyway, one of the women was a single mom. They were talking about fathers and the Priesthood, and the single mom asked how she can teach her children and raise them up with the Priesthood without a father in the home (she was a widow, not a divorcee). These kinds of conversations are often difficult for me because I do desperately want my children to see what a happy marriage looks like, and I do so desperately want them to know what it's like to have the Priesthood power in the home constantly. And these kinds of discussions often remind me of my loneliness. But they also give me hope, so much hope. So I can handle lessons like this. However. When the single mom asked that question, one of the Church Leader women reached over and touched the single mom's arm and said, "You're already doing it! You're keeping your covenants!"
A thousand tiny, sharp needles impaled my heart at that very moment. I'm not one to shed tears in public settings, but they were instant. I bent over, hoping to hide my suddenly wet face from people near me. Oh, the guilt! I was not keeping my covenants! My children, therefore, were suffering. Because of me. Because I wasn't keeping my covenants, I was depriving them of valuable lessons, of best example, of peace in the home. I am a single mom and I cannot afford to expose my children to evil by failing to keep my covenants. They already have a significant challenge, having a father who was unfaithful to his Priesthood, who now is against the church, and who now follows the traditions of the world. They already have a significant challenge living in a home without a Priesthood leader. The last thing they need is a mother who doesn't keep her covenants.
I couldn't stop weeping. Luckily, I am a very quiet weeper. My children need me to save them. My children need me to keep my covenants. My children need me to stop being so selfish. The guilt I felt was heavy and anxious.
But, there was something beautiful about that guilt. It wasn't shame-laden. It was almost encouraging. It prompted me to action, and to repentance. I could feel a huge difference from other types of guilt! It was a clean guilt. I knew it was from God. I knew He was speaking to me. It wasn't a dark, hopeless guilt. In fact, it occurred to me, that even though I am not currently a temple-recommend holder, I can still keep my covenants. That thought was also from God. Even if I cannot attend the temple today, I can keep my covenants today!
I can be a Covenant Keeper now. And even though I cannot enter the beautiful temple doors today, I still have the power to call blessings upon this home by keeping my covenants today.
See? That was a hopeful and lovely thought. Guilt that the adversary prescribes causes doubt and hopelessness. Sacred guilt gives solutions.
Even with the guilt that accosted me seemed to be an invitation to Come unto Him.
I am so grateful to a God who still sees me as worthy of redemption. Look how He still speaks to my soul and opens His arms in eager invitation!
Lord, I will follow Thee. I am coming.
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