More Than I Can Handle

You know that phrase that is popular in the church, something like "The Lord won't give you more than you can handle?" There are other variations- "The Lord won't give you heavier burdens than what you can bear." "We aren't given anything we can't bear." "The Lord won't give you more trials than you're able to handle." I don't know if this is from a scripture or not. I know the scripture about always being given a way out of a temptation, which is similar. You know, this one:

"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."
1 Corinthians 10:13

But that, while important, is different than the idiom of not having trials too big to bear. And I have taken issue with it. I have been in the midst of trials that seem much too big for me, and I have cried out "I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE! I cannot bear this burden. It is too heavy." and I really believed that at the time, and I tell you what, if anyone told me "Don't worry, God doesn't give you more than you can handle" in such moments, I would have had to resist urges of violence. It implies that every trial I encounter, I encounter because I am strong enough for it, so if I feel too weak, then there must be something terribly wrong with me.

After some thought, I have decided that I disagree. Before my ex left me for another woman, I did not have the strength to bear the pain of that betrayal. Before I was a single mom, I did not have the strength to be one. No, strength came through God's grace, and because of the circumstances at hand. For two years, sometime following my divorce, I faced extreme financial hardships. For two years straight. I also faced other extreme hardships in that timeframe, including a very expensive and exhausting custody battle of sorts. It was a most trying time and I did not endure it well, and I was not strong enough to endure it at all. I succumbed to a dark depression and it's possible that the antidepressants I finally surrendered to saved my life. Every morning, I woke to thoughts of ways to end my life. Like the thoughts were there, just waiting for me to wake up so I would think them. And I was not strong enough.

However. I did survive. I did make it through. Is that what it means, that if you make it through this trial alive, you're strong enough to bear it? So what people really mean is "If you don't die in this trial, it's because God kept His word and didn't give you more than you can handle?" So, does "more than you can handle" really mean "unto death?" Don't worry, God won't try you unto death. Yeah, that's comforting. And I don't think that's what people mean when they say it anyway. They mean that we're strong enough to hopefully bear all things that come our way. And even though I wasn't strong enough to bear some of my trials with cheer or any degree of relief or more than just a little bit of dim hope, I did make it through. The trials ended. And I now look back on them with great fondness. I cherish those horrible experiences!

I thank God now for those trials because of how they broke me down and humbled me and taught me that He will take care of me no matter what. They taught me that I can trust Him. But, though I am grateful for the trials, for all trials of my past and present, though I see reason and wisdom in them, I still think that I wasn't strong enough to bear them . . . alone. Indeed, without God, I would not have made it through them with my faith intact.

And so, I think the phrase begs for modification. The Lord will not permit any trial to overcome us that we cannot bear without Him.

Trust. Surrender. Faith and hope. That two year trial I had taught me to trust. I still have trust issues, particularly with my addiction! But now when a trial of circumstance comes upon me, I remind myself that God sees me, knows me, hears me, and will carry me through if I let Him. And so I hand over the controls and believe with all my heart that this trial won't last forever, that it, too, will pass, and that I needn't worry or fear, not even for a moment.

So, Stephanie, apply that to this addiction! This doesn't have to be a life sentence. I can trust God and conquer! I made some very specific promises to my Father today during the Sacrament and I intend to keep them. It's strange because I know I can't keep them without His help. I need Him to help me keep the promises I made Him! It doesn't seem very fair, but I know that He knows I need Him, and that He is standing by waiting for me to ask.

This addiction is too big for me. It is more than I can handle. Way more. I cannot bear it alone, but I don't have to.

D&C 58:4- For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.

"While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." Joseph B Wirthlin

"Every man and woman who serves the Lord, no matter how faithful they may be, have their dark hours; but if they have lived faithfully, light will burst upon them and relief will be furnished." Lorenzo Snow

****Update****

OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot believe what I just did! I copy-and-pasted this very post onto my personal non-addiction-life blog. I edited it so that it didn't say a word about my addiction. Then I published it. But it didn't publish. Wordpress was being really weird. So I went to find the post, and found it in my drafts, and then I published it. Only, it was the original copy-and-paste, and totally said exactly what this post says about my addiction and I didn't catch it till three people had already commented on it and now I kinda want to die especially since one of the people who read it is this guy I've had a crush on forever. Are you kidding me?!

I am laughing at myself because this is funny. I'm also crying. AAAAAaaagggghhhhahahahaha!