My Sacred Duty

I love to see the temple.
I'm going there someday
To feel the Holy Spirit,
To listen and to pray.
For the temple is a house of God,
A place of love and beauty.
I'll prepare myself while I am young;
This is my sacred duty.

I am not a primary child anymore. I am not "young," as the song talks about young. But, I do believe that preparing for the temple is my sacred duty.

I went there yesterday. It was bittersweet. I couldn't go beyond the reception desk to see my sister become her husband's wife for eternity. I waited in the waiting room with their four children.

I missed my sister's sealing. She's been married for a year (both were divorced and both had 2 kids from their previous marriages). They had to wait for First Presidency clearance and cancellation of my sister's first sealing before they could get sealed and it finally came and now they are eternal. And I missed my sister's sealing.

There's really no good excuse for that! Being unworthy to attend my sister's sealing was harrowing. And, if I hadn't slipped the past two times, I could have been there.

On the other hand, thank goodness I told my family about this. If I hadn't, what would I have said? Nothing would have been a good enough reason. You don't just skip out on your sister's sealing when it's in your nearest temple, you know? If you're sick, you go. If you're working, you get the day off. If you have plans, you cancel them. If your temple recommend is expired, you get it renewed. You don't just miss your sister's sealing. Unless, of course, you're unworthy because of choices you've insisted on making.

Because I wasn't going to the sealing, I was available to take care of their kids. I would have done anything for them to get them to the temple. If I can't go, then I'll help someone go. My sister dropped them off very early yesterday morning and dropped off her van and she and her husband took my little car (that wouldn't have fit all her kids) to the temple. As per my instructions, I and her children (mine are with their dad this weekend) left for the temple about an hour later. It's been so long since I have even parked in that lot. I was nervous, somehow.

The Boise temple was closed for a long time- a year I think- for remodeling recently. It opened again about six months ago, I think. Now, instead of gray, it's white. And it's beautiful. I haven't been since a while before it closed. That's such a long time.

As I walked with the four kids into its beautiful doors, I felt bold determination that I would never let this happen again. I will never miss a family temple event again. I will be there for every sealing from now on. I have three siblings left who haven't been married yet, and I will not miss their sealings. We sat a short while in the new waiting room. We got there just moments before my family came in after the sealing. Then we went outside and took pictures.

There were some friends there who doubtlessly wondered why I was in the waiting room and not the sealing room. But they were kind to me and didn't ask any questions. If they had, I had an answer or two prepared. I would have been honest. I'm sick of lying. I would have said something like "I'm temporarily unworthy, but I'm working on it." or "I've had some spiritual setbacks that I'm overcoming right now."

The temple is beautiful and sacred and home. I can't wait to go back. I'm going back. I wish I could have been there for my sister, but I'm grateful that I was still able to help her in some way. I'm grateful for the opportunity I had to go into the temple, even if it was just in the waiting room. Even there, the spirit lingers. Even there, peace abounds. It was a good reminder to me of why I love the temple so much.

It is my duty to prepare to again do work within its walls. That's what I'm doing now. Preparing. Repenting. Learning. I will go. I will do my part to save my family. God will give me strength to break these bands of addiction, as he gave Nephi strength to break the bands on the ship, if I ask in faith, as Nephi asked in faith.

Friends, here is what I have come to know in the past months:
I know the Atonement is for me. I know the Atonement is so encompassing that it permeates every part of my life. It is there, and I only have to use it. I know that Jesus' sacrifice can enable me to do things that I could never do alone. I know the Atonement redeems me. Not will redeem me, after I'm dead, but redeems me every day. Jesus is my rescuer, my shepherd who has come after me, the lost sheep, in the dark wolf-infested night. Finally, I am going back with Him, back to His fold. Finally, I am trusting His call. I know that with His grace, I can become free! And.... I know, that with His grace, I will become free.

How I love Him. How I love my God, my Father, who is good and kind and merciful. I know He is pleased with my efforts and I believe that He focuses more on my efforts than He does on my failures, and so should I. How I love the Holy Ghost, which inspires me to keep going, which reminds me that I am worth every saving grace, which helps me to think in positive terms so I don't get weighed down by the negative. I have God, I have my Jesus, I have the Holy Ghost-- how can I fail? They will help me with my sacred duty.

(I dunno why this image is so huge)