Beautiful Guilt

How about them Conference talks, eh? I am enlightened and encouraged! How I love General Conference!

Last Sunday in Gospel Doctrine, the teacher played a video. Try as I might, I can't find the video online, though I'm sure it's around. It was a video of some women LDS general leaders (can't remember which ones) talking to other women of the Church about mothering. This is the type of video I would expect to see in Relief Society, but it was in our 5th Sunday combined lesson.

Anyway, one of the women was a single mom. They were talking about fathers and the Priesthood, and the single mom asked how she can teach her children and raise them up with the Priesthood without a father in the home (she was a widow, not a divorcee). These kinds of conversations are often difficult for me because I do desperately want my children to see what a happy marriage looks like, and I do so desperately want them to know what it's like to have the Priesthood power in the home constantly. And these kinds of discussions often remind me of my loneliness. But they also give me hope, so much hope. So I can handle lessons like this. However. When the single mom asked that question, one of the Church Leader women reached over and touched the single mom's arm and said, "You're already doing it! You're keeping your covenants!"

A thousand tiny, sharp needles impaled my heart at that very moment. I'm not one to shed tears in public settings, but they were instant. I bent over, hoping to hide my suddenly wet face from people near me. Oh, the guilt! I was not keeping my covenants! My children, therefore, were suffering. Because of me. Because I wasn't keeping my covenants, I was depriving them of valuable lessons, of best example, of peace in the home. I am a single mom and I cannot afford to expose my children to evil by failing to keep my covenants. They already have a significant challenge, having a father who was unfaithful to his Priesthood, who now is against the church, and who now follows the traditions of the world. They already have a significant challenge living in a home without a Priesthood leader. The last thing they need is a mother who doesn't keep her covenants.

I couldn't stop weeping. Luckily, I am a very quiet weeper. My children need me to save them. My children need me to keep my covenants. My children need me to stop being so selfish. The guilt I felt was heavy and anxious.

But, there was something beautiful about that guilt. It wasn't shame-laden. It was almost encouraging. It prompted me to action, and to repentance. I could feel a huge difference from other types of guilt! It was a clean guilt. I knew it was from God. I knew He was speaking to me. It wasn't a dark, hopeless guilt. In fact, it occurred to me, that even though I am not currently a temple-recommend holder, I can still keep my covenants. That thought was also from God. Even if I cannot attend the temple today, I can keep my covenants today!

I can be a Covenant Keeper now. And even though I cannot enter the beautiful temple doors today, I still have the power to call blessings upon this home by keeping my covenants today.

See? That was a hopeful and lovely thought. Guilt that the adversary prescribes causes doubt and hopelessness. Sacred guilt gives solutions.

Even with the guilt that accosted me seemed to be an invitation to Come unto Him.

I am so grateful to a God who still sees me as worthy of redemption. Look how He still speaks to my soul and opens His arms in eager invitation!

Lord, I will follow Thee. I am coming.