Prevention

Does honesty prevent slips/relapse?
No.
Does scripture study prevent slips/relapse?
No.
Does prayer prevent slips/relapse?
Yes, but only in the moment of praying.
Do meetings prevent slips/relapse?
No.
Does telling your family prevent relapse?
No.
Does getting a sponsor prevent relapse?
No.
Does communicating with a sponsor prevent relapse?
No.
Do ARP meetings prevent relapse?
No.

Nothing. Nothing does. All these things help, I suppose. Sometimes I'm just so certain that recovery is not in my stars. Sometimes I'm very sure that this is who I am, who I've always been, and who I'll always be.

I was thinking the other day about when this all really started. I thought it was when I was about 13 or 14. But I can go back further than that and I remember being very curious from a very very early age. Before I even knew what sex was. I remember playing with my barbie dolls in ways that would have alarmed my parents. I remember drawing pictures and then ripping them up so they'd never be found. I remember having nightmares... And I was very young.

And so I think this isn't fair. Why would God give me this weakness? Certainly I was born with an inclination to sexual sins, otherwise why would it have manifested so early in my life? I'm like that drinker who has alcoholism when her friends drank as much as she did but are not alcoholics. It's not fair. It's not fair that this stuck with me, despite my valiant decades-long efforts to uproot it. It's not fair that I have to try harder than anyone else just to get and maintain a temple recommend. It's not fair that even though I'm a good person who loves much and tries to serve my neighbors and be kind all the time, I don't get to take the sacrament. It's like a label. It says, "I'm worse than everyone here who gets to take the Sacrament or go to the temple." I may be trying harder than half the people there, but they get all the blessings. All because my weakness is bigger than theirs. "I give unto men weakness that they may be humble." It makes sense to me that I would need a bigger weakness because it definitely takes a lot to humble me. I wish I was someone who had a weakness that didn't keep them from the temple. Something like anger or unkindness or unable to forgive or something like that. Those people get to go to the temple. Their weaknesses are easily managed or just not big enough.

Maybe they really are better, though. Maybe they have worked harder than I ever have and that's why their anger hasn't turned to homicide or their inability to forgive hasn't turned to violent vengeance. My inclinations to sexual sin has turned into a powerful, powerful addiction. I did that. Me.

This has been a very difficult week and it's not getting better. I have made it so. I watched a Dr. Phil episode about a woman who tossed acid on her own face because she wanted to feel and because she felt so ugly. It was totally crazy but I found myself relating to her as I listened to her story. She's healthier now, though.

I have everything I need. I have the scriptures, the Atonement, a sponsor, the ARP meetings, my family, prayer, church, good music-- I have everything I need to recover.

Yet.... I'm not recovering.

I'm not done yet. I'm not healed yet. I haven't learned everything I need to learn yet. You know what? God will be here however long it takes. I have got to be patient with myself because He is so patient with me.

I think it's true that there isn't any behavior or thought that will prevent slips or relapse. There's no magic button. But that doesn't have to mean it's impossible altogether. I can only do this if I believe I can do it. I forgot that I believe that, for a minute. And that was too long. But I remember now that I believe that.

Getting up after a fall isn't almost as good as not falling, but it's infinitely better than staying down. Again I rise.