Before my last slip, earlier in that same day, someone said something to me about "always" or "never." I can't remember what, exactly. It was about my addiction, and she said something to the effect that I'll "always" have to fight it. It made me so mad! I wasn't mad at her, necessarily, but at the idea that anything can "always" be a problem. I have refused to believe it all this time.
I'm an incurable optimist. I like this about myself. I'm not always in a state of optimism, but I usually don't stay away from optimism long. And, so, statements like "once an addict, always an addict," and "this will always be a problem for you," and "you'll never be totally free of this addiction," upset me because they couldn't be true, to me. I couldn't handle the idea of always being in some way a slave to this addiction my whole life. If that's true, then why even try to get out of it? I refused to believe such statements. No, I will NOT always be an addict, thank you very much! And I didn't appreciate people implying that I will be. Even at APR meetings, when people would say something to that effect, I would mentally roll my eyes and know that they were wrong.
I don't like never/always statements at all. Especially in regards to me and my addiction.
So I kinda carried around that always statement and my irritation with it over the next few days. Then, I listened to the Les Mis soundtrack. As I listened, I found more and more elements of Jean Valjean's story that fit so well with mine. Please allow me to tell you the story from this addict's perspective.
First, he's in prison for 19 years. Nineteen years ago is when I first began participating in the sins that would lead me into addiction. I don't know any addict who would say that addiction is not like prison. So, I have been in prison for 19 years, also. Valjean stole a loaf of bread for a starving child. I, as a mostly innocent child, experimented with behaviors that I didn't even realize were wrong. Neither of our initial "crimes" were enough to warrant a 19-year sentence. Valjean tried to escape several times and by so doing added time to his original sentence. I tried to escape the normal hardships of life, and by so doing strengthened my addiction. Valjean is finally released from prison. Javert is the merciless investigator who resolves to catch Valjean in a crime and bring him back to prison as a slave. Javert is like Satan. Javert sees Valjean as a prisoner number, 24601, not as a human being. And that's all we are to Satan. He doesn't care about us. His one goal is to make us miserable, eternally miserable.
Very, very shortly after Valjean is freed, he steals again! How many times have I returned to my sins after being forgiven? He is caught and returned to the owner of the stolen silver, which owner tells the police that, actually, he gave Valjean the silver. And he even gives him some more silver. By telling the police Valjean did not steal the silver, he saves Valjean from returning to prison.
This incredible act of love and mercy is so very like how my Jesus has delivered me from darkness, and healed me.
Valjean chooses to be healed by this love, and totally changes his life and does good. This is what I am in the process of doing now. How difficult it must have been for him to change!
Here's where the soundtrack really taught me something. Javert never, and I mean never, stops hunting Valjean, not until the day he dies. Valjean has moments of peace and joy in his life, but it is always ever so slightly tainted by Javert being after him, except when his life was hugely impacted by Javert finding him again. And again, and again.
Valjean, though he repented and chose a life of service and love, never escaped his past. Never. Javert was always in his mind. Valjean never gave up on pursuing his own freedom, but Javert never gave up on ending Valjean's freedom. And so it hit me that Satan will never give up. This addiction has been a part of my life for nearly 20 years-- 2/3 of my life! Of course it's how he'll try to get me back to prison as his slave! It has worked for 20 years! I will always have to deal with this. And not because I'm being a pessimist, but because Satan is powerful. He wants prisoner number 24601 in his custody, simply to make me miserable. He will never give up, and so I will always have to work at keeping this addiction out of my life.
There is a fine line between optimism and denial...
Coming to accept this has been a long road. But it's liberating! I will always be an addict, and that's okay. I can be okay with that. I hope I will always be an addict in active recovery.
I thank God for teaching me through inspired music and literature. I thank Victor Hugo for being a literary genius.
How do you like my blog's facelift, eh? I'm particularly fond of the new title. Offering my heart is how I will remain in recovery. And in this blog, I share with you pieces of my heart. So there you go.
Offerings!
ReplyDeleteHa ha. I remember when my sponsor first told me that addiction was like diabetes and I would always have to deal with it. I was so mad! Because I wanted to be fixed! No more addiction!
And now I can see that I am fixed, in a way! Yes, I have to watch my actions and monitor myself, but I can be free of this addiction! And the things I gave up, well, they're nothing! That's how I see Valjean. I don't think he thought much of Javert at all, except when he showed up. Valjean had given up the things that made him unhappy, the aspects of addiction in my case, and while Javert did keep popping up, Valjean never wavered because he knew the better way. He had put his trust in God and had faith. He was not afraid.
That's such a beautiful concept to me.
Thanks for this post! ~Stacey
Stacey, that is perfect! Thank you SO much for that additional perspective! Love to you!
ReplyDeleteWoman!!! Thank you. I personally dislike the same statement "once an addict always an addict" quite a lot as well. I also don't love the statement "my name is so-and-so and I'm an addict." Why are we defining who we are by our addiction? We are children of God who currently struggle with addiction. I have every intention of blowing past all this one day and moving on to greener pastures where I can simply focus on beautiful things of life. Missionary work. People and projects. A family and teaching them all kinds of cool stuff. I'll always always have to make an effort to be healthy, yes. I'll always practice the tools I gained from this process to be able to appreciate and focus on those beautiful things, of course. But I don't plan to always struggle with addiction or codependency.
ReplyDeleteWow thanks for this post. Loved it.
And keep your eye on the prize. In the end valjean becomes a complete man. Far better than he would've been without his trials.
ReplyDeleteAnd really, aren't we all addicts? Isn't that what this life is about? We are here to overcome the natural man. And so it could be said once an addict always an addict and be true, but it doesn't mean we are always a slave to addiction. We are continuously on our path, moving forward taking baby steps, line upon line. We are always overcoming. And though it will always be something satan tries to use against you, soon his tactics won't work. You are developing weapons to use against him, you know how to counter his attacks. And soon though the nature of his attacks haven't changed they will be so ready to avoid, not because it is any less hard, but because through experience you have learned how to be strong.
dust... thank you for your comment! You're so right- we will always have to work to be happy and healthy. I like that better than saying I'll always be an addict. :)
ReplyDeleteChris-you're also right. Thank you for reading and for your invaluable support.