Two Weeks Later

Two weeks ago, I had my last slip.

I truly hope it was my last slip.

I am trying to not get cocky. I can see that I have grown because I am not sure if I've ever slipped once, and only once, and then made it more than a few days without falling again. And again and again. I am really quite excited about it! It's proof that the preceding 78 days were worthwhile. It's proof that I didn't start from the beginning again. It's proof that even though I slipped, I'm healthier now than I was two months ago! I'm so happy to see this in a way that is indisputable to me! God is so good. He wants us to be happy. He doesn't want us to dwell in constant misery, and that's exactly why He gave us His Son. We don't have to dwell in misery! I get to be happy if I so choose.

Anyway, it's certainly refreshing to see my new strength. It's like muscle training. If you work for three months on lifting weights and training your muscles, skipping out on a week won't put you back to day 1 two months ago. It'll be bad for you, sure, but it won't undo all the muscle growth you already have. Not all of it. Not even most of it, I should think.

I'm so thankful!

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to write tonight. I know I'm supposed to write something. I keep thinking it's time to post the song I wrote, but I don't know why. It has little to do with recovery. Well.... I'll consider it.

Tomorrow is my appointment with the Stake President. I don't even know what I'll tell him. I have nothing prepared. Nothing seems right. I'm so scared he'll think I'm wasting his time. I keep trying to comfort myself with the probability that in five or so years, he'll forget about meeting me and it just won't matter anymore. Okay. Deep breaths. Why did I do this?! What if it wasn't the Spirit telling me I need to meet with him, but just my own craziness?!

Okay, let's explore that possibility for a minute. What if it wasn't the Spirit? What if it was me? Um, so what? The worst thing that can happen is he'll be annoyed (which is highly improbable, I think, since I'm a member of his stake). If it was me and not the Spirit, then he'll forget about it in time. I can let it go. It will be awkward and embarrassing, but my life won't end, the Church will not cease to be true, God will not cease to be God. Everything will be just fine, even if it wasn't the Spirit. But, if it was the Spirit and I don't do it... Well, I'd rather do it just in case it's the Spirit than not do it just in case it isn't. And so, I will go.

I feel like this post is pointless. I hope it touches someone! It feels so empty to me! Oh well. I don't know what else to say.

Oh, I guess I'll post the video of the song I wrote. It's called Carry Me, Lord. I wrote it last April. Since then, I have written several beginnings to more songs, but few are completed. It's tragic. Anyway. Here it is. Please forgive the buzzing noises near the beginning- I had forgotten to turn my phone to silent from vibrate. Oh, and I really don't have a solo voice. So there's my disclaimer. :) OH. And I'm going to find the doc that has all the image credits and post it also. I found everything on Google Images though so from what I understand, I'm okay to post it.



Lyrics:
Carry me to bed, O Lord
I'm weak and afraid of the storm
I'm all grown up now, but if you would somehow
Lift me up, I won't fight
Hold me close, make me alright
Just this once, Lord, carry me tonight

Tuck me into bed, O Lord
Gently kiss my forehead before
This torrent overtakes, and again my heart breaks
But if You're here in my sight
And hold me close I'll be alright
Tuck me in and cover me tonight

And the storm is now conspiring against me
And it's me, only me, versus this night
The very gates of hell must be gaped open after me
And there's no sleep, no I can't sleep, but I will sleep if You

Sing me to sleep, O Lord
Your lullaby chases the storm
And Your voice, though I weep, at last leads me to sleep
Oh carry me to my bed
Tuck me in and kiss my head
Leave me Your peace and sing to me tonight
Just this once, Lord, carry me tonight