Not Special Enough/My name is Stephanie

I believe this is a common self perception among addicts- that we're not special enough. Conversely, I believe many of us often also think that we're more special than others, that we deserve more slack, that we need more attention. I'm not writing about that today, though.

I have this feeling that I need to talk to my stake president. It seems so dumb to me! Why does he need to know? Is this all just me, trying to find another way to get attention? Or is it the Spirit? I have been feeling this way for several months now. I'm afraid that I'm ignoring the Spirit. But, seriously, the stake president? He's so busy! Why would he want to hear from me, when there are others in the stake with real issues? Why should I talk to him when I already have my wonderful bishop? Won't he think I'm strange to make an appointment with him? Won't I be interrupting his very busy schedule? What if he thinks I'm just wasting his time? What good could talking to him possibly do either of us? Besides, I'm not special enough to talk to the stake president.

I'm just me. Just the Relief Society pianist for one of his wards. Just a music teacher at an elementary school. I can't possibly be worth his time.

When I put it out in words like that, it hits me that I'm being ridiculous. Of course I'm worth his time! I'm worth God's time, right?

I've thought this way for many years. I find it an incredible honor whenever anyone expresses interest in spending time with me. I usually think they're lying or just trying to be nice. Just recently, a friend of mine knew that I was going to attend a musical in my area next month. She was going too, and said she wanted to know what day I was going so we could go together. This stuff just doesn't make sense to me, so I was about to believe that she was just trying to reach out and cross her daily service task off her list, but then I considered the possibility that she might actually want to be with me.

I don't know if this is as crazy and self-loathing as it sounds. I don't doubt that she likes me. I can understand that people like me. But it's very difficult for me to grasp when someone wants to hang out with me. This has caused issues with my best friend and me because I sometimes make myself scarce, thinking I'm doing her a favor, but she actually wants to spend time with me! Honestly, how could I be special enough to earn time with her?

Wow, this sounds like a major inferiority complex. Maybe it's worse than I think. I have a few theories why I'm this way. Many incidents of childhood taught me that the only thing I was good for to my peers was as an object to make fun of. I was also married to man who would rather do anything than spend a dedicated moment on me. Six years after the divorce, and that still hurts. I wanted to be special enough to my husband, and never was.

Another theory is maybe I'm not special enough to myself. Maybe I don't get why people want to be with me because I don't really want to be with myself. That would make more sense if it was true. I actually like my personality. I think I would hang out with me if I was someone else! I'm super fun! Anyway. Enough self-analysis.

I finally realized it's a lie. I am too special enough to talk to my stake president. It was so hard to for me to ask my bishop if I could see him regularly every two weeks to help me with recovery, because I didn't want to take his precious time. And I wasn't special enough to fill that time. But that's a lie. And it's pride. Who do I think I am?! I am a member of my bishop's ward, and therefore, I am entitled to his time and attention. In my sick mind, every other member of the ward is "special enough" to seek whatever help they need from him. Every member but me. Really? No. Stop being so selfish, Erin!

And if I was talking to a sister in my ward who said she felt like she needed to talk to the Stake President but didn't feel special enough, I would tell her something like this: "What do you mean, not special enough? Are you kidding me? Of course you are! If you feel like you need to talk to him, then set up that appointment. I'll help you. He's not going to send you away. He's not going to think you're stupid or annoying. He loves you simply because you're a member of his stake. What will it hurt? Just do it."

So why can't I tell me that?

I'm special enough for my bishop's time. I'm special enough for my stake president's time. I'm special enough for Jesus' Atonement.

That I'm not special enough is another lie of Satan that is very, very effective with me because it's so silent and subtle that I barely notice it's there. And it feels like I'm being humble, when really I'm being very prideful for letting something like that get in the way of accessing tools for my recovery. Jesus is my goal, and I will stop using "I'm not special enough" as an excuse to deviate slightly from my goal. I will consciously make an effort to stop those prideful, lying thoughts as soon as I notice them. I can't let that lie halt my recovery any further.

----------------

So now I'm on day 5. I really, really, really, really, really wish I hadn't slipped the other night. I didn't have to! It wasn't worth it. It wasn't anything I hoped it would be. It didn't fill the holes in my heart that it promised to fill. It wasn't very exciting. I wish I could appear to the March 2nd Me and beg her to go do something else. I wish I could tell her I would be really sad if I can't go to the temple this month. I wish I could tell her God can save her if she'd just call out to Him again!

---------------

I will tell you who I am. I'm not afraid anymore. My name isn't Erin. I chose the name Erin because Erin means "peace," and that's what I seek. When I first started this blog, it was called "Erin's Quest for Peace." Anyway. My name is Stephanie, and I'm recovering from sexual addictions. I live in Nampa, Idaho, which is about 25 miles or so from Boise (I honestly don't know which direction- I suck at directions! ha). This is my home, and I love it with all my heart. I grew up in Taylorsville, Utah, which is not my home, and which I do not love with all my heart. Haha. I have also lived in Tooele and Ephraim (both Utah), and Rexburg, Idaho. Oh, and Mt Vernon, Washington! You know, just in case any of you readers can relate. :)

I have two kids. My daughter is 9 and my son just turned 8. They are both geniuses, and they are both incredible. I've been single for six years this month and I'm happy with being single, but I really want to be married. I just turned 32 last month. I love to play the piano and sing, and I love to write.

I am a music teacher at a local elementary school. It's a most fulfilling job. I love my sweet students, and I love music, and I love my job. My Father blesses me so richly every day of my charmed life. I have a wonderful life and I can't wait till I'm able to enjoy it fully by getting this horrible addiction out of my life.

God bless. :)