Codependency

The term "codependent" used to refer to spouses of alcoholics. As I understand, the term was first introduced in the AA book. Now, it encompasses much more. I feel that this article does a great job explaining it. Read it and see if YOU'RE codependent.

When I was married, and before, I was completely codependent. I needed to be liked in order to feel like I was worth anything. I needed to be liked by my husband, or I wasn't worth anything. I sacrificed my own happiness, my morals, and my beliefs to make and keep him happy. He is a sociopath, and he seeks out relationships with people like me. I fed his ego, willingly, and he expected that and made sure I felt like crap if and when I acted as if my feelings mattered also. When that happened, I would end up being the one to apologize just to get him to calm down.

After four years of emotional abuse, I couldn't handle it anymore and began calling him out on his lies. I stopped pretending to believe them. I demanded respect. So he found someone else (and thank goodness).

Now, six years later, I am stronger. I believed that I had completely shed my codependent traits. I have healthy relationships now, equal relationships, which I don't have to sacrifice who I am in order to maintain. But, making friends has always been difficult for me in adulthood. And I just realized why.

It's because I'm still a freaking codependent, in many ways! It's because I know subconsciously that if I get close to someone, I will need them to validate me and assure me and STAY MY FRIEND BY MY TERMS or I will FREAK OUT!

So. It's much, much easier to NOT have friends. Because then I won't go all psycho on them and put these ridiculous expectations on the relationship.

I have been getting closer to a new friend and I thought I was doing everything right and that it was a healthy relationship. He's a wonderful person (and wouldn't ever be a romantic interest, fyi) and a wonderful father and a wonderful friend. I have been keeping him at a safe distance, not really letting him in fully because my subconscious mind was smarter than me. But then I let him in just a little further and now I'm all freaked out that he won't like me anymore, that he will think I'm nuts, that he will judge me, etc. It's stupid because A. he's not like that and I know that, and B. So what if he does? I don't NEED him to like me. I don't NEED his approval. He isn't my ticket to happiness. What's the big deal?

I'm very sad to learn this about myself. I thought I was over this, but I have just been keeping it at bay by not letting people in.

Now I'm all depressed and thinking there's no way I'll ever be married as long as I'm like this, and discouraged about how many issues I have to work through in order to be a whole person.

Hey, you know what? Oh well! This doesn't make me less human. This isn't insurmountable! I can overcome this, too. Tomorrow's a new day.