I've been hiding from God. From my sponsor. From you all. From life. Life is rough. Total newsflash, right? It's hard and I should know that by now and I should expect that by now and I should know that running from it when it gets hard is stupid. And just makes it harder.
But it's what I do. I run. And when I run from one thing, suddenly I have to run from everything else. I shut down. I can't do anything because I can't do the one thing I'm hiding from. Because, I can't clean my house till I do that thing. I can't cook till my house is clean. I can't eat healthy if I can't cook. I can't save money if I have to eat out because I can't cook because I can't clean because I can't do that one thing. I can't write my novel because I need to pay my bills first but before that, I have to clean my computer desk, but really I should clean out my car first so I can get my oil changed so my car doesn't break down in the blasted middle of nowhere. Then how will I get to work? I can't get my oil changed till I go grocery shopping which I can't do because my kitchen is a mess because if I have time to clean my kitchen then I have time to face the thing I don't want to do. But I won't do that.
Do you see how crazy this is? I think this is the craziest thing about me. Maybe someone out there relates. Maybe.
Well I wasted this week doing nothing because I was all up in anxiety over not doing the thing I needed to do. It's been a very difficult week. I want to hide from all my responsibilities. I want to freaking disappear.
All I gotta do is face it. That's it.
This is a huge trigger!! This is what I've done before falling! Hide, isolate, fear and tremble, despair. This is what I do. So I must stop doing it. I must snap out of it.
Well, tonight, I talked to the person I was avoiding, so I hope tomorrow I can make up some lost time. I hope I can shut up this screaming anxiety and be happy and peaceful with myself again. Such is my goal.
Sorry for this totally crazy post. I needed to get it out there. Carry on.
Oh boy I was laughing so hard reading this because I DO relate. So much in fact that it's scarey. I do the same "crazy" talk and cycling in my head. I am working with my therapist about breaking this and doing simple dailies because it is what has caused me to slip and act out in the past too. It's tough but slowly, ever so slowly I am learning and making it work.
ReplyDeleteSorry you were feeling that way. Wish we were closer I'd come help ya out! :)
>>. I can't do anything because I can't do the one thing I'm hiding from. Because, I can't clean my house till I do that thing. I can't cook till my house is clean.<<
ReplyDeleteOH MY, YES! Sooo me!! So me! I'm glad I'm not alone! (Perfectionism rears its ugly head, in my case ... if I can't do it perfect, why do it!?)
Chin up and we can do this!