When I was 15, I wrote a non-rhyming for the first time. I wish I had it now but I remember part of it, and it's quite good considering my age.
The darkness envelopes me
Like a thick fog
Its fingers of evil grasp my hair
And hold me down so that I cannot move.
I feel so now. I feel so trapped in darkness and I cannot breathe and I cannot see and I cannot move. I think that if I freed myself, or rather, if I chose to be freed by Jesus, then I would be living a beautiful life at this moment. I have no significant outside trials right now. I have everything. I have a job. I have a home. I have wonderful children. I have food every day. I have generally good health, and I'm safe. I have everything right now! What a tragedy it is that I don't have self control. What a tragedy it is that I am swimming in a sea of filth, wasting away my very good fortune, not living this life in a time when it's going very well! Instead I'm choosing hell when I'm in heaven.
It is heavy now, this great burden of sin. It is dark now.
O, Jesus, thou son of God, have mercy on me!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Parents of Porn Stars
Most of my mom's side of the family are very active in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. She has a very big family, so that's saying a lot. Of course, we have a few who have chosen other paths. One of my very many cousins has chosen a lifestyle of parties, alcohol, late nights, clubs, etc., perhaps typical for an American young man his age. He's in his mid 20's I believe. I was looking through some new pictures on his Facebook page, which pictures depict just the lifestyle I described. He was partying and drinking, hanging out with a lot of people who were playing drinking games with him. I thought, it must break his parents' hearts to see these kinds of pictures, wherein their son, their beloved son, is partaking in activities and of substances that may well destroy his body and soul. How it must just kill them!
If my daughter, my sweet, beloved daughter, grew up and became a porn star of sorts, and had pictures of herself, which pictures demeaned her identity and destroyed others in the process, it would just kill me. It would just kill me. She is better than that, she is so much more than that. If she allowed herself to be an object, oh how it would hurt me! And do you know what else? Anyone who looked at her, and supposed her to be an object of their pleasure . . . . well, I would hope that I would never meet such an one. Because I would be so angry. How dare you, I would think, how dare you look at my daughter in that way! HOW DARE YOU SEE HER THAT WAY! How dare you! I would be infuriated at anyone who would hurt my baby like that.
Thankfully, my God is merciful to me. More merciful, I believe, than I would ever be to someone who intentionally hurt my princess. For I have done that to His precious, beloved daughters and sons, I have done that to them. And these women, and men, they all have mommies and daddies, many of whom, I'm sure, love them dearly as I love my sweet daughter. And I have chosen to watch these children of God make terrible choices, I have perpetuated this evil work, I have seen the daughters and sons of moms and dads, I watched them with a degree of pleasure as they ruin their lives. I have taken pleasure in their children's destruction. And now, since I would ask anyone who would take pleasure in my child's hell, I must ask myself "How dare you?"
I can't look at porn anymore. I hope it's permanent, I pray it's permanent. And what I mean to say is, like I mentioned before, that I can't look at real people porn anymore. I can't do that to moms and dads anymore, or to my God, my Father, the Father of these "porn stars."
And to the parents of all the people I've looked at over the past years, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry that I've done that to your children. I can't say I'm sorry enough but I can't be sorry enough.
God, forgive me.
If my daughter, my sweet, beloved daughter, grew up and became a porn star of sorts, and had pictures of herself, which pictures demeaned her identity and destroyed others in the process, it would just kill me. It would just kill me. She is better than that, she is so much more than that. If she allowed herself to be an object, oh how it would hurt me! And do you know what else? Anyone who looked at her, and supposed her to be an object of their pleasure . . . . well, I would hope that I would never meet such an one. Because I would be so angry. How dare you, I would think, how dare you look at my daughter in that way! HOW DARE YOU SEE HER THAT WAY! How dare you! I would be infuriated at anyone who would hurt my baby like that.
Thankfully, my God is merciful to me. More merciful, I believe, than I would ever be to someone who intentionally hurt my princess. For I have done that to His precious, beloved daughters and sons, I have done that to them. And these women, and men, they all have mommies and daddies, many of whom, I'm sure, love them dearly as I love my sweet daughter. And I have chosen to watch these children of God make terrible choices, I have perpetuated this evil work, I have seen the daughters and sons of moms and dads, I watched them with a degree of pleasure as they ruin their lives. I have taken pleasure in their children's destruction. And now, since I would ask anyone who would take pleasure in my child's hell, I must ask myself "How dare you?"
I can't look at porn anymore. I hope it's permanent, I pray it's permanent. And what I mean to say is, like I mentioned before, that I can't look at real people porn anymore. I can't do that to moms and dads anymore, or to my God, my Father, the Father of these "porn stars."
And to the parents of all the people I've looked at over the past years, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry that I've done that to your children. I can't say I'm sorry enough but I can't be sorry enough.
God, forgive me.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
You think you're back on track...
And then the other day happens. This is not good. I'm so sick of my dependence on this crap.
But. The efforts of the likes of Shelley Lubben and Crystal Renaud have proven fruitful even for me. I cannot, cannot watch a porn scene with real people in it. I've studied Lubben's story, read a bit of her book, and I literally, at this point anyway, can't look up the same kind of porn that I used to, that star humans. I can't, and I'm so grateful to these women and others like them who have shared the stories of their experiences behind the scenes of the porn industry. They have convinced me, for good I hope, that these women, and men too, are God's children, they're someone else's children, they're mothers, they're souls. Not things. And the other day when I was wanting so very much to look at a porn clip, I actually tried to look up some of the stuff I'm accustomed to I'm ashamed to say, and I couldn't. Victory! Not my victory, but God's. And Shelley Lubben's, and Crystal Renaud's.
However, there's still the animated garbage and the literature that I still justify participating in.
I always wonder if I feel bad enough. I don't think I do. I don't know how to feel sufficient sorrow for what I've done, what I'm doing.
I read a great article today. It was about Craig Blanchette, the wheelchair racer. Evidently, he had a porn addiction. If you want, you can read his story here. My favorite line, about his addiction to porn: "I had a pain that I was medicating, but the side effect of that medication was greater than the pain itself."
So true.
I want to feel bad enough but I don't want to feel so bad that I fall back into depression. I don't know how to find the balance.
But. The efforts of the likes of Shelley Lubben and Crystal Renaud have proven fruitful even for me. I cannot, cannot watch a porn scene with real people in it. I've studied Lubben's story, read a bit of her book, and I literally, at this point anyway, can't look up the same kind of porn that I used to, that star humans. I can't, and I'm so grateful to these women and others like them who have shared the stories of their experiences behind the scenes of the porn industry. They have convinced me, for good I hope, that these women, and men too, are God's children, they're someone else's children, they're mothers, they're souls. Not things. And the other day when I was wanting so very much to look at a porn clip, I actually tried to look up some of the stuff I'm accustomed to I'm ashamed to say, and I couldn't. Victory! Not my victory, but God's. And Shelley Lubben's, and Crystal Renaud's.
However, there's still the animated garbage and the literature that I still justify participating in.
I always wonder if I feel bad enough. I don't think I do. I don't know how to feel sufficient sorrow for what I've done, what I'm doing.
I read a great article today. It was about Craig Blanchette, the wheelchair racer. Evidently, he had a porn addiction. If you want, you can read his story here. My favorite line, about his addiction to porn: "I had a pain that I was medicating, but the side effect of that medication was greater than the pain itself."
So true.
I want to feel bad enough but I don't want to feel so bad that I fall back into depression. I don't know how to find the balance.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Look to God and Live
My brain is without order. I don't know how to establish order in my brain. I think that's something I will ask my new therapist.
I asked God today what I need to do differently to expedite recovery. The only thing I can think of is study my scriptures. I have a few problems with this.
1. I don't know if it's my idea or God's.
2. I've BEEN reading and I STILL fall.
3. I doubt that it can really be that simple
4. I doubt that it can really be that permanently effective.
Here's the thing. This is interesting. I DO doubt that it will be all that effective, BUT, I have been a personal witness to how helpful it is. Why do I doubt what I already know? Another thing is, reading the scriptures- that's so easy. Anyone can do that. I don't necessarily want freedom to be more difficult, but it doesn't make sense that it wouldn't be very difficult.
Yet, I can envision great things happening from my honest and consistent study of God's word. I can see myself becoming more focused, more dedicated, more organized, as a result of scripture study. And if it's going to help me become a better person, what's the problem? What's the holdup? Why do I dread opening up my scriptures, which words I truly love? Why am I so easily distracted by the things of the world that I'd rather be doing?
And you know, maybe it won't fix my addiction. But I can't say that I don't believe it will help me don the armor of God, and protect me from temptation. I believe it will. I already have a testimony of the scriptures. Of what am I afraid? It's not hard. It's not hard! I mean, reading scriptures, studying the word of God- not hard. It's easy.
Like the Egyptians when they only had to look at the serpent on the staff to live, the only had to look to be healed. I wonder.... Will the scriptures heal me? Well, no, and it wasn't the staff that would heal the Egyptians, it was Jesus who would respond to obedience and faith. And if they looked, He healed them! The snakes came, bit the Egyptians, made them sick and/or dead. Porn presented itself, I partook, and became addicted. If they looked, they would be free. If I look, look inside the Holy Scriptures and find the word of God, I suppose that I can there find freedom.
Addiction is a consequence of sin. Sometimes it's a consequence of terrible misfortune. Addiction itself isn't sin.
Minor detour, there.
I don't want to be one who perishes because of the "Simpleness of the way." I don't want to keep dying here when the path before me is easy. Richard G Scott said "the way back is not as hard as it seems to you now." Maybe I'm making it too difficult. Maybe I'm thinking about it in the wrong way. Maybe this isn't a mountain, maybe I don't have to climb, maybe Jesus already did that and He just wants to heal me. Maybe, just maybe, all I have to do is look to live.
It's worth a try, isn't it?
I asked God today what I need to do differently to expedite recovery. The only thing I can think of is study my scriptures. I have a few problems with this.
1. I don't know if it's my idea or God's.
2. I've BEEN reading and I STILL fall.
3. I doubt that it can really be that simple
4. I doubt that it can really be that permanently effective.
Here's the thing. This is interesting. I DO doubt that it will be all that effective, BUT, I have been a personal witness to how helpful it is. Why do I doubt what I already know? Another thing is, reading the scriptures- that's so easy. Anyone can do that. I don't necessarily want freedom to be more difficult, but it doesn't make sense that it wouldn't be very difficult.
Yet, I can envision great things happening from my honest and consistent study of God's word. I can see myself becoming more focused, more dedicated, more organized, as a result of scripture study. And if it's going to help me become a better person, what's the problem? What's the holdup? Why do I dread opening up my scriptures, which words I truly love? Why am I so easily distracted by the things of the world that I'd rather be doing?
And you know, maybe it won't fix my addiction. But I can't say that I don't believe it will help me don the armor of God, and protect me from temptation. I believe it will. I already have a testimony of the scriptures. Of what am I afraid? It's not hard. It's not hard! I mean, reading scriptures, studying the word of God- not hard. It's easy.
Like the Egyptians when they only had to look at the serpent on the staff to live, the only had to look to be healed. I wonder.... Will the scriptures heal me? Well, no, and it wasn't the staff that would heal the Egyptians, it was Jesus who would respond to obedience and faith. And if they looked, He healed them! The snakes came, bit the Egyptians, made them sick and/or dead. Porn presented itself, I partook, and became addicted. If they looked, they would be free. If I look, look inside the Holy Scriptures and find the word of God, I suppose that I can there find freedom.
Addiction is a consequence of sin. Sometimes it's a consequence of terrible misfortune. Addiction itself isn't sin.
Minor detour, there.
I don't want to be one who perishes because of the "Simpleness of the way." I don't want to keep dying here when the path before me is easy. Richard G Scott said "the way back is not as hard as it seems to you now." Maybe I'm making it too difficult. Maybe I'm thinking about it in the wrong way. Maybe this isn't a mountain, maybe I don't have to climb, maybe Jesus already did that and He just wants to heal me. Maybe, just maybe, all I have to do is look to live.
It's worth a try, isn't it?
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Six Days
Well, here we go again.
I have hired a new therapist. I start again in January. I hope it works out. I mean, I hope it helps. It'll be a woman this time, thank goodness. I think it'll be better. I hope something clicks enough to really get this addiction under my control. It's been controlling me, in some extent, for 16 years!! MOST OF MY LIFE. I started before I even had any idea what I was doing, or that it was wrong. Having entered my life before my brain was developed fully, no wonder it's so hard.
That's not an excuse. I want this out of my life and I'll get it out of my life.
I'm blessed with a great job. I have a high deductible health insurance plan which allows me a health savings account. I put so much into it a month, and so does my employer. I used very little of it this year and have nearly $1000 left. I recently discovered that I can use it to pay for counseling. If I have another great year medically, and blessedly avoid medical emergencies, I'll be good for several sessions. I'm so grateful for my job. I'm excited to try therapy again.
Christmas is on a Sunday and it's in two weeks. My goal is here written, and is that I'll be able to take the Sacrament on Christmas day. That means I need to be clean until then.
God is teaching me, little by little, line upon line. I can't wait to be free.
I just realized- this is my 100th post! Too bad it's not exciting. Sad that I've posted about this addiction 100 times and I'm still so deep in it!
I have hired a new therapist. I start again in January. I hope it works out. I mean, I hope it helps. It'll be a woman this time, thank goodness. I think it'll be better. I hope something clicks enough to really get this addiction under my control. It's been controlling me, in some extent, for 16 years!! MOST OF MY LIFE. I started before I even had any idea what I was doing, or that it was wrong. Having entered my life before my brain was developed fully, no wonder it's so hard.
That's not an excuse. I want this out of my life and I'll get it out of my life.
I'm blessed with a great job. I have a high deductible health insurance plan which allows me a health savings account. I put so much into it a month, and so does my employer. I used very little of it this year and have nearly $1000 left. I recently discovered that I can use it to pay for counseling. If I have another great year medically, and blessedly avoid medical emergencies, I'll be good for several sessions. I'm so grateful for my job. I'm excited to try therapy again.
Christmas is on a Sunday and it's in two weeks. My goal is here written, and is that I'll be able to take the Sacrament on Christmas day. That means I need to be clean until then.
God is teaching me, little by little, line upon line. I can't wait to be free.
I just realized- this is my 100th post! Too bad it's not exciting. Sad that I've posted about this addiction 100 times and I'm still so deep in it!
Friday, December 2, 2011
Grateful for my Addiction
Yes, it's true. I am grateful for my addictions.
I want to make it clear that I don't believe my addiction is a gift. I don't believe God made me addicted. However, I do believe that I have a personality, I have tendencies with which I was born. We're all born with weaknesses. One of my many areas of weakness is sex. Also, addiction. I believe that I was born with a tendency to this kind of thing. I believe that I made the choice to give in, and so became addicted, but I think that the only way I could have avoided addiction would have been to avoid the sin. And, since I started the sin before I even knew what it was....
My point here is, we are given -- or perhaps "allowed" is a better word -- we are allowed weaknesses so that we can be made humble. Some of us could look at porn once, twice, 10 times, and not be addicted. Some of us could handle a drink a week, a day, and not be an alcoholic. What's the difference? Why do some of us become addicted while others remain free of it? I think it's part of what we're born with, part of our personalities, part of the package that makes us who we are. So while I wasn't GIVEN an addiction, I do believe this is my weakness. Sex is my weakness (one of them). My weakness is part of who I am. I gave in. I sinned. I became an addict.
I am grateful. I wish that I could say that I would be sufficiently humble without this addiction. I wish I could say that I would learn how much Jesus loves me without this addiction. I wish that it wouldn't take addiction for me to depend on the Father. I wish, truly, deeply, that I could enjoy peace and freedom without first having to wade through chaos and prison.
But I can't.
In a sad, strange, maybe sick way, I need this addiction to bring me Home to my God.
Isn't it a paradox? For my sins are what keep me out of His arms! But I would sin anyway. If I had another weakness, maybe not addiction, I would sin. And perhaps I wouldn't understand the Atonement as well as I do (which, by the way, isn't all that well). And perhaps, if I wasn't an addict, I wouldn't learn to depend on God. I would perhaps -- likely, even -- be satisfied with where I was. I would be proud, so proud. And I wouldn't even know it.
This addiction brings me to my knees in humility. I know that I am nothing. Without God, I am nothing! Literally. I regret it, but I honestly believe that addiction is the thing that breaks my heart, my stone heart, and opens it to God.
It is my sin, my addiction, that tear me away from my Father, and from my Jesus. But it is my repentance that turns me back to Them, where I learn that I am loved, that I am important, that I have place in the Kingdom. It is sad, to me, that deep sin is what it takes me to return to Him. But do you know what that means? It means that God KNOWS me! It means He would do anything, including hurt me, including allowing His Son to hurt for me and bleed at every pore, in order to get me back Home with Him. As sad as it is that I need something so sinful, so deeply and repetitively against God's law in order to sufficiently humble me, it is also so deeply humbling that God would allow me this great weakness, even at the cost of His Son's blood and exquisite suffering.
I am stubborn and proud. I need something big to break me down and entice me to turn to God. And He gave it to me. This addiction, as much as I hate it, is what I needed. I thank my God for this weakness.
I want to make it clear that I don't believe my addiction is a gift. I don't believe God made me addicted. However, I do believe that I have a personality, I have tendencies with which I was born. We're all born with weaknesses. One of my many areas of weakness is sex. Also, addiction. I believe that I was born with a tendency to this kind of thing. I believe that I made the choice to give in, and so became addicted, but I think that the only way I could have avoided addiction would have been to avoid the sin. And, since I started the sin before I even knew what it was....
My point here is, we are given -- or perhaps "allowed" is a better word -- we are allowed weaknesses so that we can be made humble. Some of us could look at porn once, twice, 10 times, and not be addicted. Some of us could handle a drink a week, a day, and not be an alcoholic. What's the difference? Why do some of us become addicted while others remain free of it? I think it's part of what we're born with, part of our personalities, part of the package that makes us who we are. So while I wasn't GIVEN an addiction, I do believe this is my weakness. Sex is my weakness (one of them). My weakness is part of who I am. I gave in. I sinned. I became an addict.
I am grateful. I wish that I could say that I would be sufficiently humble without this addiction. I wish I could say that I would learn how much Jesus loves me without this addiction. I wish that it wouldn't take addiction for me to depend on the Father. I wish, truly, deeply, that I could enjoy peace and freedom without first having to wade through chaos and prison.
But I can't.
In a sad, strange, maybe sick way, I need this addiction to bring me Home to my God.
Isn't it a paradox? For my sins are what keep me out of His arms! But I would sin anyway. If I had another weakness, maybe not addiction, I would sin. And perhaps I wouldn't understand the Atonement as well as I do (which, by the way, isn't all that well). And perhaps, if I wasn't an addict, I wouldn't learn to depend on God. I would perhaps -- likely, even -- be satisfied with where I was. I would be proud, so proud. And I wouldn't even know it.
This addiction brings me to my knees in humility. I know that I am nothing. Without God, I am nothing! Literally. I regret it, but I honestly believe that addiction is the thing that breaks my heart, my stone heart, and opens it to God.
It is my sin, my addiction, that tear me away from my Father, and from my Jesus. But it is my repentance that turns me back to Them, where I learn that I am loved, that I am important, that I have place in the Kingdom. It is sad, to me, that deep sin is what it takes me to return to Him. But do you know what that means? It means that God KNOWS me! It means He would do anything, including hurt me, including allowing His Son to hurt for me and bleed at every pore, in order to get me back Home with Him. As sad as it is that I need something so sinful, so deeply and repetitively against God's law in order to sufficiently humble me, it is also so deeply humbling that God would allow me this great weakness, even at the cost of His Son's blood and exquisite suffering.
I am stubborn and proud. I need something big to break me down and entice me to turn to God. And He gave it to me. This addiction, as much as I hate it, is what I needed. I thank my God for this weakness.
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