You think you're back on track...

And then the other day happens. This is not good. I'm so sick of my dependence on this crap.

But. The efforts of the likes of Shelley Lubben and Crystal Renaud have proven fruitful even for me. I cannot, cannot watch a porn scene with real people in it. I've studied Lubben's story, read a bit of her book, and I literally, at this point anyway, can't look up the same kind of porn that I used to, that star humans. I can't, and I'm so grateful to these women and others like them who have shared the stories of their experiences behind the scenes of the porn industry. They have convinced me, for good I hope, that these women, and men too, are God's children, they're someone else's children, they're mothers, they're souls. Not things. And the other day when I was wanting so very much to look at a porn clip, I actually tried to look up some of the stuff I'm accustomed to I'm ashamed to say, and I couldn't. Victory! Not my victory, but God's. And Shelley Lubben's, and Crystal Renaud's.

However, there's still the animated garbage and the literature that I still justify participating in.

I always wonder if I feel bad enough. I don't think I do. I don't know how to feel sufficient sorrow for what I've done, what I'm doing.

I read a great article today. It was about Craig Blanchette, the wheelchair racer. Evidently, he had a porn addiction. If you want, you can read his story here. My favorite line, about his addiction to porn: "I had a pain that I was medicating, but the side effect of that medication was greater than the pain itself."

So true.

I want to feel bad enough but I don't want to feel so bad that I fall back into depression. I don't know how to find the balance.