Grateful for my Addiction

Yes, it's true. I am grateful for my addictions.

I want to make it clear that I don't believe my addiction is a gift. I don't believe God made me addicted. However, I do believe that I have a personality, I have tendencies with which I was born. We're all born with weaknesses. One of my many areas of weakness is sex. Also, addiction. I believe that I was born with a tendency to this kind of thing. I believe that I made the choice to give in, and so became addicted, but I think that the only way I could have avoided addiction would have been to avoid the sin. And, since I started the sin before I even knew what it was....

My point here is, we are given -- or perhaps "allowed" is a better word -- we are allowed weaknesses so that we can be made humble. Some of us could look at porn once, twice, 10 times, and not be addicted. Some of us could handle a drink a week, a day, and not be an alcoholic. What's the difference? Why do some of us become addicted while others remain free of it? I think it's part of what we're born with, part of our personalities, part of the package that makes us who we are. So while I wasn't GIVEN an addiction, I do believe this is my weakness. Sex is my weakness (one of them). My weakness is part of who I am. I gave in. I sinned. I became an addict.

I am grateful. I wish that I could say that I would be sufficiently humble without this addiction. I wish I could say that I would learn how much Jesus loves me without this addiction. I wish that it wouldn't take addiction for me to depend on the Father. I wish, truly, deeply, that I could enjoy peace and freedom without first having to wade through chaos and prison.

But I can't.

In a sad, strange, maybe sick way, I need this addiction to bring me Home to my God.

Isn't it a paradox? For my sins are what keep me out of His arms! But I would sin anyway. If I had another weakness, maybe not addiction, I would sin. And perhaps I wouldn't understand the Atonement as well as I do (which, by the way, isn't all that well). And perhaps, if I wasn't an addict, I wouldn't learn to depend on God. I would perhaps -- likely, even -- be satisfied with where I was. I would be proud, so proud. And I wouldn't even know it.

This addiction brings me to my knees in humility. I know that I am nothing. Without God, I am nothing! Literally. I regret it, but I honestly believe that addiction is the thing that breaks my heart, my stone heart, and opens it to God.

It is my sin, my addiction, that tear me away from my Father, and from my Jesus. But it is my repentance that turns me back to Them, where I learn that I am loved, that I am important, that I have place in the Kingdom. It is sad, to me, that deep sin is what it takes me to return to Him. But do you know what that means? It means that God KNOWS me! It means He would do anything, including hurt me, including allowing His Son to hurt for me and bleed at every pore, in order to get me back Home with Him. As sad as it is that I need something so sinful, so deeply and repetitively against God's law in order to sufficiently humble me, it is also so deeply humbling that God would allow me this great weakness, even at the cost of His Son's blood and exquisite suffering.

I am stubborn and proud. I need something big to break me down and entice me to turn to God. And He gave it to me. This addiction, as much as I hate it, is what I needed. I thank my God for this weakness.