I scramble for excuses, but I haven't any. Not any real ones, anyway.
I've been working on Step 4 again. I feel like I haven't really done it. But, it triggers me. Maybe I'm doing it wrong.
That's an attempt at making an excuse. "I fell because I was doing my moral inventory and it triggered me. Not my fault. I was just doing what the Program says I should do."
"I'm broke and I'm stressed."
"It's because I didn't read the scriptures."
"It's because I didn't get enough sleep."
But, it's not any of that. It's because I chose to sin. I made a deliberate choice. I don't know when the choice was made; I can't quite pinpoint it. It wasn't necessarily a conscious choice. I don't know if I made it when I was on the computer looking at pornographic thumbnails because my filter won't allow me to go to pornographic websites, or if I made it earlier in the day.
Honestly, I'm very tempted to return to the sin tonight. I was nearly sixty days strong! I was so far! I was doing so well.
I'm not letting myself think mean things about myself. I'm trying to nurture myself back to health. Nourishment is how we get healthy. Nourishment and sometimes medicine.
The "reasons" I listed above are certainly contributors, but they're not excuses. If I'd been reading my scriptures like I should, I may have been spiritually stronger. If I'd gotten enough sleep, I may have been spiritually stronger. If I wasn't in the red, I may have been less stressed and less inclined to turn to a faulty coping mechanism. But, I can't blame my choice on any other choices, or any other circumstances.
I have to start my count all over, but I'm not starting from the beginning. Lessons haven't been erased by my choices. Growth hasn't been reversed. I'm still in a better place than I was two months ago. And I'm grateful to God for His grace and mercy that carried me the past two months.
It's just that my growth is so slow!!! How do I speed it up?
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
60 DAYS!
I'm not there yet, but I'm close, so close! I always told myself that when I make it 60 days, I'm going to buy myself a nice CTR ring. I've never had a nice one, and it would serve as a pretty reminder that I CAN choose the right because I HAVE chosen the right. And it would be a milestone marker that I could have forever.
I don't remember the exact date of my last incident. But on August 30th, if I'm still clean, I'll be beyond 60 days clean, and I will make that purchase.
I'm so grateful to my Father for standing by me, guiding me to Him, forgiving me, and ever, ever loving me. I haven't done a step of this alone.
I'm proud of my efforts, though, and grateful for God's constant grace, which far exceeds my efforts.
I still feel vulnerable. I still feel as though at any moment, I could throw this all away. I still feel like I'm IN it, in the middle of it, still an addict through and through.
But I'm a recovering addict.
I will continue to beg for God's guiding grace, and His mercy. I need Him, now more than ever, for I am in a crucial point of my recovery.
I don't remember the exact date of my last incident. But on August 30th, if I'm still clean, I'll be beyond 60 days clean, and I will make that purchase.
I'm so grateful to my Father for standing by me, guiding me to Him, forgiving me, and ever, ever loving me. I haven't done a step of this alone.
I'm proud of my efforts, though, and grateful for God's constant grace, which far exceeds my efforts.
I still feel vulnerable. I still feel as though at any moment, I could throw this all away. I still feel like I'm IN it, in the middle of it, still an addict through and through.
But I'm a recovering addict.
I will continue to beg for God's guiding grace, and His mercy. I need Him, now more than ever, for I am in a crucial point of my recovery.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
The Road Not Taken
I shouldn't reference a poem I dislike. Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken" bothers me because the narrator did not make a good choice, nor a bad choice. The two paths before him were the same. The same. "And both that morning equally lay/ In leaves no step had trodden black." See? The same. The poem wouldn't bother me in the least if so many people didn't think it was a poem about making the right and difficult choice. Anyway. I digress.
Unlike the speaker of Frost's poem, I am taking, right now, a new road. I should say "The Road Not Previously Taken." I haven't been counting how many days I've been clean because I don't want to pressure myself. But, dear Reader, I know I've made it farther than I have in years. The last time I indulged in my favorite sins was in the middle of June. Therefore, it has been more than 38 days, my previous record.
I am not as interested in breaking records as I am in being clean.
I love this road. I love this path. I am lighter, happier, braver and much, much stronger. I don't know why, precisely, but I have been doing things a little differently ever since I changed my mind. I wonder if, in order to change your heart, you must first change your mind? I had been working diligently on Step 3 from the Church's recovery program, which is "the decision step." It says "Decide to turn you will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ." It just sounds like words when I type it out that way. But this step, when I finally actually took it, was a turning point. I studied the words in the booklet carefully, and as I did, my fear began to break. I began to see, really see, that it was okay for me to struggle. And of course I would struggle! I began to see myself as a member of the human race. I began to truly understand that maybe it was okay to try and then fail; that trying and failing was better than not trying. I began to stop lying to myself. I began to see that gradual change is okay. Eventual forsaking of this addiction is okay! I can't do it all now and I stopped expecting myself to do it all now.
So, I fearlessly decided that I would give my life and my will to God. My decision happened maybe only a few days before this post. I accepted that even so, I would fall. But He knows that. He doesn't need perfection this instant. He needs our will to line up with His, and He needs our efforts.
I now believe that effort is more important than follow-through. Previously, I feared committing because I knew I might break my commitments. But that's not the most important thing. The most important thing is that I'm willing to give my will to God, and that I honestly try to do that every day.
Besides, my ultimate commitment is to live my life in such a way that I will return to my Father's Kingdom, that I will fill the place that is prepared for me there. Because of the Atonement, failing to keep my commitments 24/7 will not permanently break my ultimate commitment.
My therapist helped me realize that I am black and white, all or nothing. I never saw it before, but she's right. It's a false way of perceiving life, and it's a dangerous way to live. I'm breaking free of that as well.
Instead of wanting God to walk with me, I've been seeking and trying to walk with Him. Instead of trying to get God to do things my way, I've been trying to do things His way. I have been repeating the Sacrament Prayers aloud every day. Finally, I have been taking the Sacrament! I feel its cleansing power every time I partake. Instead of praying for God to remove this addiction, I pray for Him to help me through it. I am willing, now, to change. I'm willing to give up my will.
When I look back on the past five or six weeks, I see that my changes have been very small. And I also see that my Father matches my efforts, and doubles my return! As I give a little, He gives a lot. The effort is worth it. I wish I could go back and tell the old me that the effort is worth it. Why did I fear?
I must keep learning and keep changing. I now believe that I will one day look back at this time and see these sins as something I used to do.
Do not misunderstand. This road has not been easy. It never will be easy. But I'm not so scared of work anymore. I know that I can do hard things! I know that the Lord will sustain me! He has shown me that He will reward my efforts ten-fold! One day I will be free. I can't wait to return to the temple. Soon. Soon.
I have been focusing on the solutions, not the problem. I have been getting porn out of my view. There are some Facebook groups that are anti-porn that I used to be a part of, but I don't even want to see the suggestion of porn, regardless of the intentions of the source. I've taken myself out of those groups. When temptations come, as they do, I'm able to see them for what they are and I kick the ideas out usually immediately. If the temptation keeps returning, then I pray, and then I listen, and then I act. Recently, I was so strongly tempted that I thought I would give in, but I prayed instead, and the idea came to repeat the Sacrament prayers that I'd been reciting morningly. And I did just that. I said those words over and over and over again and I didn't stop till I felt strong, till the Spirit was restored in my heart, and I was able to think of other things.
It saved me. My Father saved me! Jesus saved me.
I don't know if I'm done with this sin. I don't know if I'll slip again or not. Maybe I will . . . but maybe I won't! I hope I won't. But if I do, I will accept it and move forward.
Here's to moving forward.
Unlike the speaker of Frost's poem, I am taking, right now, a new road. I should say "The Road Not Previously Taken." I haven't been counting how many days I've been clean because I don't want to pressure myself. But, dear Reader, I know I've made it farther than I have in years. The last time I indulged in my favorite sins was in the middle of June. Therefore, it has been more than 38 days, my previous record.
I am not as interested in breaking records as I am in being clean.
I love this road. I love this path. I am lighter, happier, braver and much, much stronger. I don't know why, precisely, but I have been doing things a little differently ever since I changed my mind. I wonder if, in order to change your heart, you must first change your mind? I had been working diligently on Step 3 from the Church's recovery program, which is "the decision step." It says "Decide to turn you will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ." It just sounds like words when I type it out that way. But this step, when I finally actually took it, was a turning point. I studied the words in the booklet carefully, and as I did, my fear began to break. I began to see, really see, that it was okay for me to struggle. And of course I would struggle! I began to see myself as a member of the human race. I began to truly understand that maybe it was okay to try and then fail; that trying and failing was better than not trying. I began to stop lying to myself. I began to see that gradual change is okay. Eventual forsaking of this addiction is okay! I can't do it all now and I stopped expecting myself to do it all now.
So, I fearlessly decided that I would give my life and my will to God. My decision happened maybe only a few days before this post. I accepted that even so, I would fall. But He knows that. He doesn't need perfection this instant. He needs our will to line up with His, and He needs our efforts.
I now believe that effort is more important than follow-through. Previously, I feared committing because I knew I might break my commitments. But that's not the most important thing. The most important thing is that I'm willing to give my will to God, and that I honestly try to do that every day.
Besides, my ultimate commitment is to live my life in such a way that I will return to my Father's Kingdom, that I will fill the place that is prepared for me there. Because of the Atonement, failing to keep my commitments 24/7 will not permanently break my ultimate commitment.
My therapist helped me realize that I am black and white, all or nothing. I never saw it before, but she's right. It's a false way of perceiving life, and it's a dangerous way to live. I'm breaking free of that as well.
Instead of wanting God to walk with me, I've been seeking and trying to walk with Him. Instead of trying to get God to do things my way, I've been trying to do things His way. I have been repeating the Sacrament Prayers aloud every day. Finally, I have been taking the Sacrament! I feel its cleansing power every time I partake. Instead of praying for God to remove this addiction, I pray for Him to help me through it. I am willing, now, to change. I'm willing to give up my will.
When I look back on the past five or six weeks, I see that my changes have been very small. And I also see that my Father matches my efforts, and doubles my return! As I give a little, He gives a lot. The effort is worth it. I wish I could go back and tell the old me that the effort is worth it. Why did I fear?
I must keep learning and keep changing. I now believe that I will one day look back at this time and see these sins as something I used to do.
Do not misunderstand. This road has not been easy. It never will be easy. But I'm not so scared of work anymore. I know that I can do hard things! I know that the Lord will sustain me! He has shown me that He will reward my efforts ten-fold! One day I will be free. I can't wait to return to the temple. Soon. Soon.
I have been focusing on the solutions, not the problem. I have been getting porn out of my view. There are some Facebook groups that are anti-porn that I used to be a part of, but I don't even want to see the suggestion of porn, regardless of the intentions of the source. I've taken myself out of those groups. When temptations come, as they do, I'm able to see them for what they are and I kick the ideas out usually immediately. If the temptation keeps returning, then I pray, and then I listen, and then I act. Recently, I was so strongly tempted that I thought I would give in, but I prayed instead, and the idea came to repeat the Sacrament prayers that I'd been reciting morningly. And I did just that. I said those words over and over and over again and I didn't stop till I felt strong, till the Spirit was restored in my heart, and I was able to think of other things.
It saved me. My Father saved me! Jesus saved me.
I don't know if I'm done with this sin. I don't know if I'll slip again or not. Maybe I will . . . but maybe I won't! I hope I won't. But if I do, I will accept it and move forward.
Here's to moving forward.
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