we all fall down

I scramble for excuses, but I haven't any. Not any real ones, anyway.

I've been working on Step 4 again. I feel like I haven't really done it. But, it triggers me. Maybe I'm doing it wrong.

That's an attempt at making an excuse. "I fell because I was doing my moral inventory and it triggered me. Not my fault. I was just doing what the Program says I should do."

"I'm broke and I'm stressed."

"It's because I didn't read the scriptures."

"It's because I didn't get enough sleep."

But, it's not any of that. It's because I chose to sin. I made a deliberate choice. I don't know when the choice was made; I can't quite pinpoint it. It wasn't necessarily a conscious choice. I don't know if I made it when I was on the computer looking at pornographic thumbnails because my filter won't allow me to go to pornographic websites, or if I made it earlier in the day.

Honestly, I'm very tempted to return to the sin tonight. I was nearly sixty days strong! I was so far! I was doing so well.

I'm not letting myself think mean things about myself. I'm trying to nurture myself back to health. Nourishment is how we get healthy. Nourishment and sometimes medicine.

The "reasons" I listed above are certainly contributors, but they're not excuses. If I'd been reading my scriptures like I should, I may have been spiritually stronger. If I'd gotten enough sleep, I may have been spiritually stronger. If I wasn't in the red, I may have been less stressed and less inclined to turn to a faulty coping mechanism. But, I can't blame my choice on any other choices, or any other circumstances.

I have to start my count all over, but I'm not starting from the beginning. Lessons haven't been erased by my choices. Growth hasn't been reversed. I'm still in a better place than I was two months ago. And I'm grateful to God for His grace and mercy that carried me the past two months.

It's just that my growth is so slow!!! How do I speed it up?