The Past Few Weeks

I haven't engaged much in pornography the past several weeks. In fact, I haven't gone this long without viewing a pornographic image in a very long time. But for that, I don't feel to rejoice. I don't feel a need for self congratulations. And that is because, even without the porn, I have yielded to the devil.

I don't even need Satan anymore. I create my own temptations. I'm so deep in it, that so many things that are innocent become a temptation. The past few weeks have been dark and dreary and miserable. Two and three weeks ago, I was just powerless. I was running to the comfort of sin. I was saturated in thoughts and desires of the flesh. I couldn't escape it. My mind was a construction site which was being hammered and drilled and the hammers and drills were ideas and temptations and I would think about it all day long, despite efforts to expel such thoughts. And after fighting for hours upon hours, I felt I had no choice but to give in. It wouldn't go away! It was overwhelming. Everything made me think of sex, basically. Everything.

Now it's been 11 days. What are my 11 days clean compared to my 11 years filthy?

For a while there, it was almost an every day thing. I was needing it more and more and I was doing it more and more! I was back in a hopeless state. Even in my hopelessness, I always want out. I always want this out of my life. I hate it. Anyway, I don't know why I was giving into it so much more than usual. That's a question for my moral inventory journal.

This week is a different story. I already mentioned 11 days. I have been running on grace. Last Sunday my bishop gave me a wonderful blessing that filled me with power. And, evidently, grace. I am so grateful. I feel amazing right now. I have to remember that I'm still in it! I'm still in sin! I'm still recovering. I have such a long way to go, but I can enjoy the journey out of this dark, dark place. I want to be free. If God's grace can carry me through a week, then why not a year? I hope He'll continue to bestow it upon me. The thoughts have been weaker. The ideas have been fewer. I can think about normal things throughout the day. What a relief this week has been.

Friends, I know God loves me. And I know He loves you. He wouldn't love you any more if you were His only child. I can't wait to be wrapped in His arms and feel His pure love saturate my every particle.

This is my year. This is the year I give up my addictions.

Step 4

I love to write. So, you would think that Step Four of the Church's Addiction Recovery Program, which is about writing a personal moral inventory, might be my favorite step. But, here I am stuck.

Allow me to momentarily digress. I have attended every ARP meeting but one, when I went out of town, since I began seven weeks ago. I have not recovered. I am not healed. As recently as two and three weeks ago, I failed over and over and over again. More on that later. My point is, though the meetings haven't been a magic button, this program is going to save my life. I love it, with all my heart I love it. I'm so sad I didn't attend earlier. This program is inspired. I can feel God's hand in it at every meeting. I know He wants me there. I want to go for the rest of my life, and I'm not just saying that. I'm not saying that becuase I think I'll NEED it for the rest of my life. I don't believe that I will carry on this addiction forever. I believe this program will help me overcome it. But even then, I still want to attend the meetings. Because I am so grateful for everyone who attends and shares, especially for those who haven't yielded to their addiction's call in many years. And I want to be that person for others. There are people in my group who haven't had a drop of alcohol or a bit of drugs in many, many years, and they go and they share their experiences, and it inspires me. And if I can give that to someone else, even long after I have forsaken this, my favorite sin, that's a big deal. And I wanna go. All the time.

Back to the topic. I have attended for seven weeks. The group is on step 7. I'm on step 4. At first, step four was terrifying. Maybe it's because I love to write that I was afraid of this step. I know the power of writing. I was so afraid to start writing honestly about myself. I was afraid I would do it wrong. I was afraid it wouldn't make a bit of difference. I was afraid it would make me more accountable. I was afraid it WOULD help. I was terrified that I would remember something I didn't want to remember. Finally, I sat down, pen and notebook at the table, forgot about rules I might be breaking, and just wrote. I just wrote. I prayed first, and then I wrote and wrote and wrote. And I don't think I'm doing it like the book suggests. But I'm doing it right for me. And that's the only thing that matters! I can't tell you how valuable this step has been for me! I have learned truths about God, and about my own personality. I have come to accept and internally resolve some things in my past that have haunted me for nearly 20 years. And you know what? I'm okay. I'm a relatively normal person who has problems and issues and who needs the Savior to fill in where I fall short. Just exactly like everyone else. All fall short! We have customized paths back to our Father and He will guide us. And He guides me. That's why He yanked me to the meetings.

I'm still stuck, though, on step 4. I never finished it. I don't want to because step 5 is confessing. You're supposed to share the contents of your inventory with someone else! I don't think so! Huh uh.

I will, though. I will because I have faith in this program. If I want it to heal me, I have to follow it exactly. So I will.