The Past Few Weeks

I haven't engaged much in pornography the past several weeks. In fact, I haven't gone this long without viewing a pornographic image in a very long time. But for that, I don't feel to rejoice. I don't feel a need for self congratulations. And that is because, even without the porn, I have yielded to the devil.

I don't even need Satan anymore. I create my own temptations. I'm so deep in it, that so many things that are innocent become a temptation. The past few weeks have been dark and dreary and miserable. Two and three weeks ago, I was just powerless. I was running to the comfort of sin. I was saturated in thoughts and desires of the flesh. I couldn't escape it. My mind was a construction site which was being hammered and drilled and the hammers and drills were ideas and temptations and I would think about it all day long, despite efforts to expel such thoughts. And after fighting for hours upon hours, I felt I had no choice but to give in. It wouldn't go away! It was overwhelming. Everything made me think of sex, basically. Everything.

Now it's been 11 days. What are my 11 days clean compared to my 11 years filthy?

For a while there, it was almost an every day thing. I was needing it more and more and I was doing it more and more! I was back in a hopeless state. Even in my hopelessness, I always want out. I always want this out of my life. I hate it. Anyway, I don't know why I was giving into it so much more than usual. That's a question for my moral inventory journal.

This week is a different story. I already mentioned 11 days. I have been running on grace. Last Sunday my bishop gave me a wonderful blessing that filled me with power. And, evidently, grace. I am so grateful. I feel amazing right now. I have to remember that I'm still in it! I'm still in sin! I'm still recovering. I have such a long way to go, but I can enjoy the journey out of this dark, dark place. I want to be free. If God's grace can carry me through a week, then why not a year? I hope He'll continue to bestow it upon me. The thoughts have been weaker. The ideas have been fewer. I can think about normal things throughout the day. What a relief this week has been.

Friends, I know God loves me. And I know He loves you. He wouldn't love you any more if you were His only child. I can't wait to be wrapped in His arms and feel His pure love saturate my every particle.

This is my year. This is the year I give up my addictions.