A Bit Confused

Well, the good news is I made it 29 days without giving in!! That’s my record, since I’ve been counting. I think. Maybe last October I did better. The bad news is, 29 days is not today. It was before.

Now, this past month has been an incredible month for me. I have been blessed with so much grace. I have been blessed with so much temporally as well. I have been happy. I have been learning so much about the Atonement and how partnering with the Savior is how I’m going to be saved. I have increased my knowledge and my gratitude. I know my Savior better than I ever have before. I love Him better than I ever have before. I know how merciful and kind He is. I know how He wants to gather me in and to forgive me. I know He wants to forgive me. I know God can forgive me because of Jesus’ great Sacrifice. I know that as soon as I turn back to Him, that’s when the grace and mercy start pouring in.

I don’t feel as bad as I usually do. I don’t know if that’s good. I think, maybe, it’s because the level of my sorrow in committing the sin is outweighed by the joy of knowing I can be forgiven for it. This knowledge does not encourage more sinning, but it does encourage more repenting.

--I have a really bad memory. I just looked back right now to Oct/Nov and guess what. I’ve been here before. I have discovered these things before, these things I was so excited to write about today. Ugh how discouraging. How could I forget?
Whatever. It’s different this time. I’m going to do it this time. My next stumble will be MORE than 30 days from now, you mark my words, you mark them.
Jesus is there for me. I need to be more grateful for His suffering. I need to be more grateful that He didn’t choose to end His life until it was finished. As part god, He could have lived forever. He could have chosen not to take on the sins and sorrows of billions of souls. He could have chosen death sooner to avoid the pain He experienced. But He did none of those things. He completed what He was sent to do. He chose to keep on living until it was finished. I have been ransomed. Even what I did the other night. That, specifically, is covered, paid for, by the Atonement. And, I know that! I know that! How can I stay long in despair when I know that?

I am sorry, so sorry, for adding to His sufferings. He had enough to carry. How selfish I am to do that to my Brother. I wonder what it’s like to pay for a sin, just one sin. I will never have to know, unless I reject Truth.

Why couldn’t I just have made it one more day? ONE MORE DAY. 30 days. That would have been awesome. Next time. This time. I don’t want to lose this light that has been guiding me all month. I’ve got to keep it.

The other bad news is that while doing my Moral Inventory, I discovered an un-confessed sin. It’s a bad one. An old one, about 8 years old, but a very, very bad one. I didn’t really forget about it. I just didn’t think it was as bad as it really is. That’s a long story and I’m not getting into it, just know that I now have an old sin that I have to tell a bishop about and it just may cost me my membership. Yeah. That bad.

Not gonna let it discourage me, though. I can still grow closer to the Savior. And so I shall.