Bring back the Said

So, last week at my ARP meeting, I made a stupid choice.

I've been attending for 13 weeks now. I've come full circle! Completed the 12 steps in the group (but personally still, admittedly, on step 4). Ha, my best friend was just asking me how close I am to finishing. Finishing? I never thought about this program having a finish line. I think it doesn't. I think I'll attend meetings the rest of my life. Maybe not every week, but often. I love when the long-time-sober addicts attend. I love the ones who have been free for 26 years, or 13 years, or 1 year. I love when they come and tell their story. I find it so inspiring. If I can inspire others like they've inspired me, then I'll attend these meetings long after I've established a path in recovery.

Anyway. All these weeks, I've said, when it's my turn to share, "I'm Erin. I'm an addict." and then I would share my experiences through the week or whatever, always without revealing the nature of my addictions. I never said what I was addicted to, because it's so embarrassing. I'm addicted to sex. I'm a woman, an LDS woman, addicted to sex. Most of the attendees at the meetings I go to are men. That's even more embarrassing. Some of them are addicted to sex. But it's acceptable and even expected for a man to be addicted to sex. So no one bats an eye when they say "I'm so-and-so and I'm addicted to sex" or "I'm addicted to porn" or "I'm addicted to self-gratification." The men say these things and it's just part of the program. It's just as normal as hearing drugs or alcohol as the addiction. But from a woman? From me?

I decided I was going to make myself tell the group what my addiction is. And I did tell them. If I could recall those words, I would in an instant. I hate that I said it. I hate that these folks, who have become my friends, know that I'm addicted to sex. I expect and hope they don't think it means that I sleep around. But it's awful. Awful. I feel awful. I don't want to go back! Now they all know! I don't want to see them anymore.

But I will return. The program has restored me and given me hope. I will return. It may be with my tail between my legs, but return, I will.

And I shouldn't be afraid. Addiction is addiction. My group gets addiction. I'm sure they don't think less of me. I'm being a wimp. I just wish I'd kept my addiction a secret. I really, really, really do. I thought it would help me somehow. I thought it would be good for me somehow. All it did was mortify me. I am no better for the confession, no stronger.

It was ugly. I am filled with chagrin. I want to take back what I said. Everything was fine when my addiction was a mystery.

Guess what? 28 days today. Yeah! I'm so grateful to God for fetching me from the darkness. How blessed I am.