New Truths

I went to a girls night movie party the other night, with some women I know from church, and some women they know. It was an interesting experience. They watched a movie that is PG-13 that I have seen before, and I knew what was in it, and I didn't like the movie or the questionable scenes. I said, "that movie's kinda naughty," at which point another sister immediately piped up, "it's really not that bad."

Before I realized the power this addiction had in my life, I would watch these types of scenes and think nothing of them. I had become so desensitized by the media and entertainment! Now, I'm quite the opposite. In active and determined recovery, I feel I am extra sensitive to these scenes. I don't want anything to do with them, unless I'm in that zone I referred to earlier. I went to a movie at the theater the other night with my best friend, who isn't LDS, and I could tell a sex scene was coming up. I closed my eyes before any clothes were even removed and didn't open them till the music changed. I know the best thing to do would be to avoid these movies altogether, but I'm happy with my choice to close my eyes- it's not a choice I would have made in the recent past.

Anyway, back to movie night. I didn't close my eyes there. They were all faithful LDS women like me and some were saying the scene wasn't "that bad." If my best friend had looked over at me during that scene in the theater, I know she would have just attributed it to my weird Mormon beliefs. But if those faithful LDS women saw me closing my eyes, or leaving, what would they think? It's strange that it's so much more difficult to leave or look away when you're with people who share your standards. I did spend a lot of time looking at my phone rather than the TV, though. I really don't like that movie, at all. Anyway. I've seen the movie several times (it's my previously mentioned best friend's favorite movie) and before, the sex scenes didn't bother me. Now, I find them insulting, offensive, and highly distracting to my goals.

Except, I stayed. Next time will be different. I have run through scenarios in my head and I know how I'll handle them in the future.

Isn't it interesting how, while in active addiction, we become so desensitized, but then in active recovery, we become hypersensitive? Has anyone else experienced this?

That same night, one of the women there whom I didn't know found out I was divorced. She has been divorced only since a few months ago, and had been married for many years. I felt for her heart and how it must be breaking! We shared some experiences briefly and then she looked at me and said incredulously, "My ex husband is a sex and porn addict" and she may as well have said "My ex husband is a serial killer." Some of the other women present reacted audibly, one of them saying "are you serious?!" I was seriously tempted to respond, "Well so am I!" ha, but that would have been wildly inappropriate. I do not mean to imply that porn and sex addictions are not detrimental to a marriage. I know they are. I am so sorry she had to deal with that as a wife. That level of betrayal is real and so painful, I know. But it made me feel hated, kinda, because so am I. So am I. And that reaction from the other women upset me because I know that in their eyes, my sins are quite nearly on the same plane as murder. And, well, in the scriptures we do, in fact, read that sexual sins are second in seriousness to murder. So there's that.

I don't know what I'm trying to get at. It was just a strange experience. I felt like fingers were pointed at me somehow.
______________________

As I mentioned before, I want to tell the world that I have this addiction, once I get further along in recovery. But, I've been thinking about it, and I realize this will be no small sacrifice. It's highly likely that I will lose friends over this. Some people will lose respect for me. Some will gain respect for me. Some will think I'm stupid for sharing. Some will gossip about me. Some will judge. People I love and admire will react in these ways, I imagine. People I wouldn't expect it from. And that's a risk I need to weigh. I don't need to now, since this is a ways in the future, but it's been on my mind. I believe most will be receptive and gracious. But some will simply be judgmental. And I'll have to be ready to accept that. And I will accept it because I know that if I can help just one sister, it will all be worth it.
_____________________

Lately, I have been mentally focusing on how my addiction affects my family. It's interesting how things have come into my life to probe me to consider this. My kids don't know about it, to my knowledge. My kids have never "caught" me, to my knowledge. But... This last week, I've been really thinking that it must affect my family in ways I can't see.

A fellow blogger invited me to read her blog. She's not an addict, but a spouse of an addict. I have never read those blogs because I have felt they don't apply to me. I am not married. I am not hurting a spouse. But her blog humbled me so much. I saw how someone's actions, similar to the actions of my past, affect so deeply another human being.

Then, it all came to a head tonight. I saw, first hand, directly, how my addiction is affecting my children. It broke my heart. I spent hours in sorrowful study of things of the Spirit. I needed the Spirit in this home. My wise sponsor told me, after I texted and explained to her the experience, ". . . . remember that when you view or act out you are inviting those types of spirits into your home. They will whisper to your kids the same messages they whisper to you."

When I read that, I may has well have been knocked over by moving vehicle. It hit me. I am hurting my children. I am inviting harm upon them when I engage in this stupid addiction. I am responsible for their spiritual well being, and when I am engaged in sin, I put up blocks for their spiritual progression. How dare I? This is legitimate. This is not me beating myself up. This is what it is and it is awful. Repentance is my best friend here, but what about the damage I've already done?

When I'm acting out, the Spirit flees. I am the head of this household. I am in charge of what comes in and what doesn't. When I invite evil in, the evil doesn't come and rest in my heart and leave my children alone. No. It comes into my home, where my children live.

I'm so glad she told me that. I am realizing a new level of responsibility. Maybe I should have seen it before, but I didn't. Maybe I wasn't ready to. Oh, my sweet babies, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

God, help me protect them.