Charted Territories

Yesterday was day 78! I had been on new ground for nearly 20 days. I had never been clean that long since I started counting. I dare say I hadn't been clean that long in six years.

Today would have been day 79, another day in new territories.

Today is day 1. Ah. This is familiar terrain.

I have many mixed emotions, all of which I am going to try to capture. I want to remember everything about this. Forgive me if this is too detailed or too open. Forgive me if it's too anything. This is going to be more for me than for you, but in the event anyone can learn or relate, I publish it.

I'm afraid of judgment. I am afraid that you will judge me. But it doesn't matter if you do- not for me. It's not even my business what you do with your thoughts. I'm trying not to care what you'll think.

I'm angry that all those people who told me "if you slip...." were right, those statements that I wrote about here. I did slip. I wanted to prove them wrong. But they were right.

I wasn't going to write about it. I was going to maybe wait a few weeks before I mentioned it here. No one needs to know. I was going to be late to church today. I was going to mope all day because I deserve misery. I was going to isolate myself. I was going to tell myself that I am worthless and of course I slipped because that's what I'm good at. I was going to hide.

I'm not going to do that. God is still whispering. He's telling me not to do that. I don't have to make myself any extra consequences. I only have to take responsibility for the natural consequences and work past them and move forward. So I'm trying to be positive.

Here's the good:

-I MADE IT 78 DAYS!! That is nothing to sneeze at! That is amazing! For 78 days, I trusted God enough to allow Him to lead me through it. For 78 days, I said no to the countless temptations that flew at me. For 78 days, I chose freedom. I made it longer than I ever have before, carried by the grace of God. I am grateful to my God for that, and I refuse to look at the last 78 days as a waste. No. It was a miracle. It was a period of much learning and growth, and this one slip does not erase what I learned in that time.

-Because of what I learned in that period, I know that today doesn't have be the norm. I know that I don't have to have a full on relapse. In my past, a slip meant a relapse. It would be another few months before I found the strength to embark on another long-ish period of abstinence. That's not going to be the case this time. It doesn't have to be. Because I gave in yesterday, it will be so much easier to also give in today. And tomorrow. But I don't have to! I can make it through this day. Just one day. Just one day at a time, just like before. This slip isn't the end of my recovery; it's a part of it.

-Even though I was divulging last night, I strangely had limits. I mean, my limits should have been much, much tighter. But I didn't throw all my boundaries away. I confess that pornography was a big part of my slip, but I "limited" myself to written porn rather than images or videos for the most part. I'm not saying this is great, but I am saying it could have been worse. I didn't let myself go back to where I left off. I worry that this is hard to read or it's too detailed. It's also hard to write but I do want a record. Maybe I was just justifying it since I wasn't looking at actual human beings-- I mean, I most likely did use that as a justification, but I'm also really really glad I didn't seek out worse things because then I would have felt even worse today than I already do. I didn't allow myself to seek out worse things like I used to do, and that's a good thing. I'm counting it as a good thing. I could also count it as a bad thing because I know if I can limit myself to what porn I use, then I can limit myself to not using porn at all. But here's the thing: it is what it is and it could have been worse, and it's a good thing that it wasn't worse.

-Even though I can't go to the temple this month anymore, I know that that doesn't mean I can't ever go to the temple. Last time I had a temple goal and broke it, I totally gave up on the idea of ever making it to the temple! I'm not doing that this time. It's still a goal. And that's a good thing.

-I'm still here. I'm still in this. I'm still progressing in the big picture.


Here's the bad:

-Yesterday was a very special, spiritual day for my family. A family member was baptized. That's the day I chose to slip? I'm disgusted at myself. I should have been on a spiritual high. My thoughts should have been on things of the Spirit. I can't believe I let the Adversary in on such a great day.

-I can't take the Sacrament today. That fact alone brings sorrow unmeasured.

-It's day 1!

-I have to face my bishop today. He was so proud of me. He had such confidence in me.


The biggest truth here is that this sucks. This is a bad day. I am not free. No one really knows me and I'm all alone. That's how it feels. That's how it's been feeling and that feeling contributed to my weakness. I look back to see where this started and I think it started weeks ago. Little lies here and there, planted into my subconscious where I can't even see them till it's too late. Satan doesn't play fair, you guys. He is not a graceful loser. He kicks his victims while they're down. He kills his victims while they're down. He's not a lighted match that will burn your hand if you touch it. He's a raging and endless massive forest fire that will devour your soul if you so much as look at it.

I woke this morning wishing I could cease to exist. But there's no such thing.

And God has granted me another day to live and to repent. He is merciful. I will turn to Him. I will move forward. I will strive to ensure that this slip will remain as such and not turn into a relapse. Will you pray for me? I know you have your own battles, but I could use all the help I can get.

Sigh. Yesterday I had access to help that I ignored. You know-- that reminds me of something else I was going to here note. I had forgotten how powerful that zone is. I can't think straight in it! It took almost no time at all from idea to thought to desire, and once I was in the desire mode, I couldn't get out! Not on my own. I was stuck- even before I typed the first inappropriate search term. It's this horrible zone of darkness and forgetfulness. I could remember that I wanted to go to the temple, but I couldn't remember why. I could remember that I didn't really want to do this, but I couldn't remember why. I couldn't see! If you're an addict, then I think you know this zone I'm referring to. Once I'm there, I'm gone. It's like I can't really choose anymore. I'm not just saying that as an excuse-- it's true! It's how it is. It's how addiction works. Nothing makes sense except getting that fix. The trick is to avoid that zone. I know how to do that. I have done it before. I will do it again. But, in that zone-- even before the actual sin-- it's almost hopeless. My brain stops working right. It's like the world disappears and there is only me and my drug and I have to get to it. It's bigger than me. It's bigger than my own power. That zone takes over my choices. My choices get me there, yes. It's like this- it's like a roller coaster. I buy my ticket- my choice. I get in line- my choice. I stay in line- my choice. As I get closer to the roller coaster car, my choices are to keep going with the line of people, or turn back and try to get away from the throng of excited roller coaster patrons. Turning back would be difficult. But it's still possible. But it doesn't make sense at this point to turn around. I get in the roller coaster- still my choice but it feels like I don't have another option at this point. Then the bars snap into place and I'm stuck. I haven't even begun the ride yet, but I'm stuck and I have no more power to choose-- even though the ride is still stopped and nothing has happened yet. That's what it's like. There's time before acting out that I have lost power to stop it from happening. Sometimes it's a long time. Sometimes it's not. Then the ride begins and the whole time I'm thinking, why am I doing this? I hate roller coasters! I'm going to be sick afterward. I wish I wasn't doing this. Why am I doing this? I don't want to do this! And then after the ride, I'm throwing up and crying and feeling horrible, knowing it wasn't worth it, cursing myself for buying that stupid ticket again. Buying the ticket was really my last choice. The rest was going with the flow.

Again I'm not making an excuse. I'm trying to make it make sense for the non-addict. I take full responsibility for making that decision- for buying that ticket. Sometimes it's so hard to think of the moment when I actually purchased the ticket. Sometimes I buy it while buying other tickets for rides that are good and worthy, and I hardly realize it, and I put it in my pocket thinking I won't be using it, and I walk around the park doing good things till I remember the ticket is there in my pocket. Oh yeah, I gotta throw that away. But I get distracted and forget the ticket and forget to throw it away. But I'm fine, you know. I'm doing great. Then I walk by the roller coaster and it looks so fun and I only remember the thrill of the descent and forget the illness after the ride. But then I shake my head and continue on my way. Sometimes it takes a long time from the moment I purchase the ticket to the moment I board the ride, and it's hard to remember when I actually got it.

I don't really think that life is like an amusement park, and I actually love roller coasters. But I don't remember the exact moment I bought this ticket. Again, I think it was a few weeks ago.

Today is the Sabbath. Today I am alive and healthy and have much to be grateful for. Today I will choose repentance.

Thanks for reading. Please don't judge. :)