The idea angers me. It seems like everyone is expecting me to slip. I keep hearing "if you slip," sentences. They are well-meaning sentences, like "If you slip, don't give up on yourself." "If you slip, don't forget God still loves you." "If you slip, I'll still be your friend."
Here's the thing. I am very, painfully aware of the potential that I have to slip. Believe me. I know it's possible. But what's thinking about it going to do? I don't want to think about the possibilities of defeat! I know they're there. I know I am not perfect and that I am weak. I know that recovery generally includes slips. But I have had them and I am sick of them.
Right now, I want to go to the temple on March 15. Right now, I want to get myself a CTR ring for my birthday next month (I have told myself for a long time now that when I make it to 60 days, I'll buy myself a nice CTR ring. I've never had one and I want one.) Why can't I think about that?
The "if you slip" statements feel like "I'm expecting you to slip. But don't worry, everyone does. Don't worry, it'll be okay. God will still love you when it happens."
Maybe I will slip. But maybe I won't. I don't have to. I don't want to (as of this moment). And what I'd really like to focus on instead is the possibility of recovery.
I think I'm grumpy because I didn't have a Pepsi today. haha!
Ah! I kinda hate the feeling...the fear/anxiety of the next slip. I have to think of what i learn in SA...One day at a time. Just one moment at a time. We have to completely put the future/next day into God's hands. I pray you'll reach your goal Erin! the temple is so worth it.
ReplyDeleteit's so true- I only have to make it through one day, and that's it! I can do a day... thanks, Warrior.
DeleteYou ARE grumpy!:-)
ReplyDeleteI see both sides of the coin... ya, I'd get sick of hearing that too... but on the other hand, I'd lived so long feeling so crappy from slipping that I found relief in hearing that I wasn't the only one that did it, and that I'm not a horrible person if I do.
Another positive note... is slips don't have to be bad. I learned so much from my last slip. So much that I wouldn't give it back... I'm grateful for that slip because it taught me how to get back up again.
Believe me, I want you to be the exception to the norm. If you don't slip ---- AWESOME!! But if you do -- .... insert everything you've been hearing.
I love the rewards you have set up for yourself. Great way to keep focused on the prize!
:-)
thanks, Sidreis. I'm not so grumpy today. :)
DeleteI too have had this overwhelming feeling of that. BUT I agree that we do focus on recovery, one moment at a time. I had confessed most of my problems/sins to my husband and bishop early Spring with a determination that I wasn't worth keeping around anymore. A few months later deep deep deep in my addictions I couldn't take it anymore, I confessed again started going to addiction recovery and then quit going for a few weeks and fell hard again! Re-dedicated myself just before Thanksgiving and I haven't had a "slip" since. I know slips can be different for a lot of people and no you don't have to slip but you do have to have something to do instead. So work your steps, pray A LOT, study the scriptures and keep doing what the Lord asks (yup even no pepsi) and it will not bother you as much. Almost 10 weeks sober here, no slips, but lots of temptations but they are getting easier. Meet your goal and get that CTR ring. I know you can!
ReplyDeleteLOVE this, Jana! Thank you so much!
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