Fighting with Friends, and Other Thoughts

Well. I told my family. From what I gather, everything is okay!

I do worry about my mother. I hope she isn't too upset. I've caused so many tears for her in the past. She is so wonderful.

I attended my PASG meeting tonight. The holiday kept most away; there were only three of us, plus the missionaries. But it was a great meeting anyway. I'm always so glad when I go to those. I was feeling anxiety about it because it usually ends at 8:30 and my kids need to be in bed by 7:30 or they don't get enough rest (we wake super early). I don't have money for a sitter, and I felt like I would either have to bring them with me (which I do often, and they play in the foyer of the seminary building), or not go. I wasn't going to bring them with me because they needed to sleep, but every time I thought of not going, I felt awful.

With very little effort, I was able to find a sitter on about a 30 minute notice. I promised payment later in the month.

At the meeting, I reflected on my first meeting, and on my addiction fighting friends, and on my family. I have such a great support network now! I love it. I feel buoyed and strengthened and lifted and supported. Let's be honest- I need support. I can't do this alone. Maybe others can. Maybe other people can work alone with God and themselves and come out of the trap. But not me. I didn't know that until maybe this week. I need other people helping me along.

Have I ever written about the miracle of my first ARP meeting? I think I may have shared some details, but allow me to recap.

I was the only LDS woman in all the world who had this issue. Logically, I knew that probably wasn't true. But I had no anecdotal evidence to suggest otherwise. As far as I knew, I was the only one. As far as I knew, I was the only LDS woman with a serious addiction of any kind. If there were other LDS women struggling this way, then they probably were inactive. I was the only one who was trying, and who was addicted.

One Sunday, our Relief Society lesson was about the ARP. I had heard of it before. A bishop somewhere along the line had mentioned it in passing. I look back and I wonder why none of my bishops suggested that I attend? One bishop told me of its existence once. But none of them said it's something I could benefit from. I don't blame them. I don't think ill of any of them for it. I just wonder why it wasn't something they highly encouraged me to do. Anyway, that Sunday, I resolved that I would attend the next meeting. Many obstacles presented themselves, but I overcame them all, and attended the meeting.

I wore a hat. I didn't think I did that on purpose-- but now I think I did. I wanted something to hide behind. And I walked in, so embarrassed. I avoided eye contact, found a desk, slumped in it, put my head down, and covered my face with my bill. The meeting began. I thought it was so weird, especially when everyone chanted "Here here!" and said "Hi" to everyone in unison. It was packed. I have never seen a Friday meeting that full since that date. I needed to be there on that day, and God brought me there. There were about five women there! Three people from my ward were there. I was shocked. These were people I looked up to! One had just given an outstanding talk about the Atonement the Sunday before! One was an older woman whom I had admired. It didn't make sense that good people were there. I thought maybe they were there to support someone else. But, as they shared their stories and struggles with addiction, it occurred to me that you don't have to be bad to be an addict. Because these people weren't bad. I knew them. They were wonderful.

As others shared their stories, I heard my own self.

Suddenly, I wasn't as alone as I had previously thought, and that knowledge did wonders for my self-perception, and for my heart. I didn't share that night. I kept hiding behind my hat, just listening, pretending not to need to be there.

The following meeting was not so well attended, and they never have been since. No women were there the next time. If my first meeting had been the following meeting, I may not have returned. But a miracle operated on my heart that first night.

BUT, I was still alone in some regards. I wasn't the only addict in the world anymore, but I was still the only woman LDS sex addict in the world. Until recently. I had no idea how much I needed other human beings! I had no idea how sweet it is to not feel so alone. I didn't realize just how sad I was.

Human connection is so very, very important. It's so much better to fight these bloody battles with friends who are fighting the same bloody battles. I needed people, and God gave me people.

And now my family is fighting with me. It's starting to seem like, with all this help, I can win.