Eating Elephants

You know that saying about the way you eat an elephant is one bite at a time? I have a problem with wanting to eat the elephant in one moment, and if I can't eat the whole elephant at one time, then I don't want to eat the elephant.

My therapist (the good one I had) helped me realize that I have a faulty black/white, all-or-nothing viewpoint. Basically, if I think I might fail, then I don't do it. Or, if I do, then I allow myself excuses to explain the failure. "Oh, I got a B on that test because I put off studying so long. If I'd studied, I'd have received an A of course." Incidentally, that's also one of the reasons I choose to procrastinate. I get to use procrastination as an excuse! It's an excuse that works for me, somehow.

I do miss seeing my therapist. I haven't been able to afford therapy for several months now.

Anyway, I still remember many of the things about me that she helped me to see. If I think I can't eat the whole elephant at once, then I'm going to pass, thanks. When I think of all the lost opportunities that this frame of mind has likely cost me, I am saddened! Well, this line of thinking has contributed to the continuation of my addiction. I can't change overnight, so I'm not going to try, because there's no point.

WRONG. One day at a time. One bite at at time. One step at a time. I cannot climb a staircase in one smooth leap! To reach the top, I must take the individual steps. Sure, I can take two steps at a time, but that actually takes more energy and wipes me out earlier and doesn't get me to the top much faster after all. I need to take the steps.

Furthermore, God doesn't expect me to reach the top of the staircase in one stride. He doesn't even want me to do that. He wants me to learn the lessons of each step. Maybe this staircase has 12 steps.... hehe.

The other day, I decided to clean. My whole house needed work. Every single room begged my attention. I couldn't do it in one day, and so I didn't want to do it at all. But, I decided that I would do what I could. And I did.

At the end of the day, my house really didn't look much better as a whole. But, I had worked very hard. I had given everything I could. I went to bed that night knowing that I had done enough. I allowed myself to feel like non-perfection was enough! Usually, I tell myself, "yeah, I cleaned my bedroom today, but so what? The rest of my house is horrible. Yeah, I clean my bedroom today, but so what? It's just an anomaly. What about all the other days I never cleaned at all? Yeah, I did a ton of laundry today, but so what? It wouldn't have been this bad if I'd done laundry like a normal person!" But I didn't allow those thoughts this time. No, my house wasn't spic and span. No, not every single chore had been completed. No, I didn't eat that whole elephant. But, I did what I could, and I felt fantastic! I didn't do everything, but I did enough.

I don't remember ever feeling like that before.

It was beautiful. It made me think about this addiction. I can't cure myself overnight. I can't cure myself at all! That's not my job; I'll leave that to Jesus. But, if I do everything I can, then guess what? That's enough.

Here's to 2013. Here's to eating elephants. I hope to eat more elephants this year because I'll be doing it the right way instead of trying to do it all at one time or not at all. I'm excited.

God bless you all.