Not So Rosy

Today sucks.

Yesterday I was happy and on top of the world and sunshiny and excited and light and wonderful. Yesterday was incredible.

Today is the Hyde to yesterday's Jekyll.

I don't understand why. My circumstances are identical to yesterday's. My mood is drastically different. I woke up cheery enough. But, somehow, negative thought after negative thought slowly and methodically sneaked into my brain, and I let them stay. I didn't notice their arrival. But the time I noticed I was feeling awful about who I am, and thinking terrible things about myself, I had been doing it for HOURS, and the damage had been done.

I could have reversed it, I suppose, but I did not. I remained stressed and mopey and angry and fearful. And now I'm exhausted. I think negativity takes a lot of energy. I'm spent.

It's not fair. I'm mad that the negative thoughts took me by surprise. I am mad that I am believing them when I know they are lies. I'm mad that my life is awesome and my day is rotten.

I had to ask for help today. I hate asking for help. Not about this addiction- I'm okay asking for help about my addiction because it makes sense that I would need help about my addiction. I can accept that I need help to overcome this. It's okay. But there are other parts of my life that I should not need to ask for help about. And today I did because I felt like I had to because I had painted my own self into an impossible corner (remember that Mormonad? hehe) and I need help out of it but I SHOULD KNOW BETTER! I should NOT have this problem! I should NOT need the help I need because I should have known better.

I know, I know, I shouldn't say "should." I shouldn't say shouldn't either I guess. What am I supposed to say then.

I'm super upset but that's just today and I am hopeful that tomorrow will be sunnier.